Do Kids NEED Their Grandparents?

We are in the same situation. My parents have not liked my husband for many years and we've been together for 15 yrs. my husband knows that they don't like him and he doesn't like it when they want to come over or we go visit them. My parents tell me they are use to him and they see how well he treats me and my girls. I was so glad that when we moved back to Texas my father was working in Kuwait and my mother was soon to follow cause that would less stress on us. My kids hardly see my parents so to my kids it is not a big deal yet at least they haven't mentioned anything about it.
Also his parents do not like me either so I know how he feels. If they decide to drive through on their way to see their nicer son and wonderful daughter in law in San Antonio I often leave the house so they can see the girls. I don't like leaving my house so they can see the kids but that is only way to "make everyone happy" as my husband tells me. It doesn't make me happy leaving my girls even though they are with their dad. It makes me mad and my oldest starting to question why I have to leave. I have tried staying but they end up calling me names and saying horrible stuff about me that it always ends up in a fight.
So no I don't think granparents are needed in childrens lives, but it would be nice if they all got along to make life easier for everyone.

Becky,
I think the answer would be pretty clear if you thought about it this way. What if it was his parents that disliked you and couldn't stand to be in your presense and made it clear that he could come but not you. You would probably be devastated that your husband would even consider leaving you behind to go and play nice with his family. Therefore, I see the only decision to be firmly united with your husband until your parents can see the clear error of their thinking. I think it's very important for your parents to realize that half of these children are made up of you and the other half are made up of your husband. By denying their father your parents are telling your children, their precious grandchildren, that half of their being is a piece of garbage that's not even worthy of their presence. You need to protect them from that kind of shameful treatment. If it's easier in a letter, I concur that you need to let them know, that your family is one unit, either all are wecomed or none. As far as needing granparents. They can certainly enrich a child's life greatly but children NEED loving parents that take care of them and teach them to honor themselves and others. You can't blame yourself if the kids don't grow up terribly close to their grandparents, this is completely within their control to make this a good situation and they are choosing not to. This makes me think of one of Dr. Phil's sayings, "You teach people how to treat you." Your parents are treating you and your husband this way because you allow it. When you stand up and let them know how the "new" way will be, they'll either respond with good actions towards you or they'll just enjoy thier older years without the joy of their grandchildren. It's a gamble, but you could teach them alot about maturity through all this. Remember what the bible said about marriage. We leave our mother and father and join with our husbands to become one, it is no longer your duty to meet the demands of your parents, but to do what is right for the benefit of your relationship with your husband. Best wishes to you, I hope in the long run everything will work out for you.

Well, that's tough.

Personally, I wouldn't take the trouble to visit them. By doing that, it only shows that you are willing to seperate from your husband for a while in order to please them. It's more important that you stand united with him, in my opinion.

If they want a relationship with your children, then they can come on a plane and get a hotel and spend time then. They can plan outings and take them to the zoo, or whatever without your husband present, but at least you are able to take a stand.

If they aren't willing to do that, than they don't really want a relationship with their grandchildren, because someone who does, would be willing to do anything to see their grandchildren. Sounds like what they really want is to win a power struggle.

First of all, have you asked your parents the reason why they dislike your husband? Maybe you all need to talk about it just so you all can have some sort of harmonious relationship for the kids.

Second, I think what I would do, putting aside the indifference your parents feel towards your husband, is to tell them to take the trip to you intead of you to them- they can stay in a hotel where they wouldn't have to deal with your husband. Explain to them that since they don't want your husband to come along, that it will too hard for you to travel with two small children alone. If they refuse, then, they will have to miss seeing their grand kids until your little one is bigger and more age appropriate or more manageable for you to get on a plane.

Good luck!!

I am sort of in the same situation. My father doesn't like my husband, although he's never met him. So, We decided that he will not see the kids. And when the kids are older if they ask I will tell them the truth. You have to remember you, your husband, and kids are a united family. Everyone else is now "extended". Until your parents are willing to get passed their issue and apologize I wouldn't give them satisfaction of seeing the grandkids and knowing he is home upset about it.

In our family I am the one not accepted by his family (mostly his mother). So we do not have much of a relationship with that side of the family. However, I will invite them to any and all activities for the kids like birthday parties, school programs, special events, sports games, and dance programs. They are also invited to all events/holidays at our house. I figure on my own turf it is easier for me to deal with them. And my house equals my rules! Also at all of these events my side of the family is there too with will usually thin out most tensions. So my advice would be to not go to their house, but always counteroffer with an invite to yours!

Becky, It sounds like you are in a very tough situation, but it's time to stand up for yourself and YOUR family. It may sound tough but you need to sit down with your parents and explain that this is the man you have choosen to start your family with, it is one thing to not accept him but now that you have childeren it is time to put their past thoughts and beliefs behind them for the childerens sake, they also need to realize that as much love as they have for your childeren that they are part of your husband and would not be here without him. My family is far from perfect and live in KC but I still feel the need for them to know my side also, I finally had to stand up to my mother and tell her how things would be from this point forward and kind of treat her like the child while I took on the parent role, I was scared at first but now we have boundries and she respects them, she knows what she can do or say around myself and my family and there is not a fight everytime the subject of a visit comes up. It may not be the way to handle it for every family and may or may not work for you but it's worth a shot to keep the peace, and you have to keep in my if you do come to an agreement and they do cross your boundries you have set you need to leave right away, go to a hotel or come on home after one time of doing this they will realize that you are serious and if they want a relationship with their daughter and grandchilderen they will have to respect you, your husband and your childeren all the same. I hope this helps, good luck and keep us posted

Unless he's done something to genuinely cause this kind of rejection (abused you or the children, for example), this behavior from your parents is totally unacceptable.

My parents didn't like my ex-husband (and for good reason!), but they always welcomed him and tried to help him, just as I did.

If, indeed, your husband is blameless, you really need to stand by him and tell your parents to grow up or get out.

Lots of kids have grown up perfectly healthy without grandparents.

I'm sorry you and your family have to go through this...

One other thought: growing up, we got to be close with the little old couple next door, and she became my Nana. My 'real' grandparents were far away, so in a lot of ways I'm closer to my Nana than I am to my bio family. She was always there with hugs and Oreos. LOL. Maybe you can make your own grandparents....

I am wondering if there is more to this story? Are you interratio? Were you living together before marriage? Did you get pg not married. These are the hard things us older people have had to deal with in our children. Even so, I would tell them they have a choice all of us or non of us. I would get a Hotel or Motel and stay there so there is space. I was disowned for 6 years because I had a man move in with me. My parents were right but at the time I did not know. So I was not allowed to go there. My kids did. One Christmas I was engaged to a man after years went by, and no longer with this man. My mom invited me to Christmas but said it was probably not a good idea to bring the boyfriend. So I went and they all hid me. My dad was in a wheelchair and stayed out of the one room. I ate in there and everything. I was so mad I felt like I had leprocy. So I would never do it again. What hurt was he finally wanted to make up on his death bed and told all of his children he loved us, one at a time, which he had never done before. We were forgiven, but I lost 6 years not being able to interact with him and my children. I will always regret it, but I think you are married and your family comes first. They need to be sivel and polite. God told us to love our enemies, be forgiving and love all. So they have a problem. I would not want my children anywhere near family that do not mentor the children with kindness. They are part of your husband and they need to love all the kids not just part of them. We are who we hang with. We become who we look up too. If they are so mad then something will come out that they do not like daddy. Well, we all resent people who love someone we do not. Say for example. We divorce and still love that man. We love him and we hate the person he now loves. We do not want a cheating man any more, but we recent the one who has him. They own the problems here. They need to step up to the ownership as adults. If this man is good to you and your children, then I would walk away from people who hate because they are also capable of hurt. I could not leave my husband knowing they are hurting him.I would however send cards and caring always letting them know the door is open not shut but they do not have access until they honor your loving husband and family. It is a respect any man who works hard to provide and care for his family deserves. Maybe he does not have the job they want or feel you could have married someone more this or that but it was your choice and what you needed at the time and we all grow and change. Divorce happens more often then not. They are getting older and you have a long life to live. Live it with those who encourage and love you and your family. God Bless G. W My opinion take it or leave it.

Hi Becky!

I was in the same situation, except that my parents were across town. They disliked him to the point that they gave me an ultimatum, it was either them or my husband. My husband, being the sweetest ever, told me he understood if I chose my parents. That only reinforced the fact that he wanted me to be happy. It was hard and I did cry for days, but I chose my husband. We were nmarried with a baby on the way. Eventually, my parents saw my husband as a blessing that was there for me in the good and the bad, and our child is half his. They saw all the support he gave me, and while they still dont like him, they have accepted the fact that we are a family. They do try hard to like him, but its not there. And they try just for their Grand daughter.

Dont cave in to your parents. Like another response said, if they really want to see your children, THEY will make the effort and while they may never like your husband, you stood your ground for your family and set a great example for your children.

Out of respect for your husband, I would tell your parents that if your family is to come visit they need to accept everybody. I know that is hard for you, but your parents need to know that they cannot treat your husband that way and get your support. It's not just about traveling by yourself with two little ones, but about accepting your whole family. If they choose to not include your husband in their family then that is their choice and none of it is your fault. I'm sorry you are caught in this situation. I hope it's gets better.

Your husband and children are your primary family now. You have to treat them as they are the most important thing to you. By honoring your parents wish, you are sending a terrible message to your husband and also sending a message to your parents that they are still in control. Be strong and stand up to them. Do it respectfully, but be firm. This situation sucks, but you'll get through it.

Usually it is beneficial for children to have their grandparents in their lives. You state that your husband has done nothing to make your parents dislike him. Have you asked your parents why they dislike him so much that they would not allow him to come with you? People don't usually deny someone that privilege unless they think they have done something pretty major. My parents didn't like my husband, because of some of the stupid things he did when we were first going together. They thought he would never grow up and that he would always be ruled by his parents. They told me that if I married him, then he would not be welcome in their home. It didn't seem that serious of a matter to me at the time, but to them it was. We didn't resolve the issue till I had been married a year and my father had died. In a way their issues were valid at the time. Had my husband not changed, his lack of maturity could have made bigger problems in our marriage down the road. Fortuanetly, my husband matured and was able to be his own man. So when I now look back, I know they were just looking out for my best interest. My one major concern is, if your parents have that strong of feelings against him, then how will they talk about your husband to your children? Can they keep their feelings for him from showing to the children? I am not saying you should keep the children from them. I think you need to confront the issue and try to resolve it for the sake of your children. If your parents can not keep their feelings for him from showing to the kids, then it might be best to severe ties.

L.

~Becky~

I'm a grandmother and love to think that my grandkids NEED ME..but one thing I know for sure is that I NEED THEM. I love both of my grandchildren more than I ever dreamed possible and can't imagine doing anything at all that would hurt them in any way. Showing dislike (although that is NOT the case) for my grandson's father or my granddaughter's mother would surely hurt them. That is unthinkable to me. I also adore my children and my role as their parent is to encourage, support and love them unconditionally. I would never put my children in such a position as to feel that they had to choose between my husband and myself and their partner. As parents WE are the role models for our families. We should be teaching them by example. I just don't see where showing blatant disregard for your husband and your feelings falls under that. I honestly think you need to talk to your parents and tell them how this hurts you. I can't imagine that they would continue their behavior knowing how you feel. And if they do, then I say sever the ties. Negativity begets negativity..you don't want your children around that. I wish you well!

Becky, I'm so sorry for your dilema. That's horrible. I am not sure I have any words of comfort for you as either way you go is going to be a tough decision. I would like to say that it would be hard for me to accept that my parents want to see kids that are 1/2 mine and 1/2 a person that they can not stand. If it were me, I would say you accept all of us or none of us, but I can only imagine how difficult that would be. I wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out for the best.

You need to be firm and tell your parents that if your husband isn't welcome -then you and your children aren't coming either. Stand by your husband and make sure that your parents know that you won't tolerate their disrespecting him. Also, make a point that you do not want their feelings toward your husband to IN ANY WAY be communicated to your children-because that is their father and he is a good father. It is wonderful thing for children to have grandparents, but not at the expense of excluding their father. How are they going to feel about your parents when they find out the way they are treating your husband. It would cause a lot of confusion and could even cause damage to your children-especially if your husband has never done anything to them. More important than grandparents are parents that stand together and respect each other enough to not allow someone to disrespect their partner. You (parents) are the most important thing in your kids life.

I'm curious, why in the world do they dislike him so much?

Becky,

I am sorry and don't mean to be rude, but seriously tell your parents to GROW UP. Tell them until they grow up and accept the man you have children with that you will not let them see their grandchildren. My goodness they need to realize you are a grown woman with a family and that you arent going to leave your husband behind for them being immature. Of course your husband wont be happy if you went....you need him, and how would you feel if you were in his shoes. If you just have to go make sure your husband goes too to help on plane etc...., and then he can stay in motel, but it shouldnt be like that, after all the kids are half his and if they can love them they need to learn to love their daddy too bottom line. Good Luck!!!

J.

It's funny you should ask this question because I'm experiencing something similar. I think your kids should definitely know your side of the family. Just how much depends on you. You mentioned your family's hatefulness. I'm guessing this is something you wouldn't your kids to know about. Is this conversation or attitudes that you can control your family to not exhibit in front of the kids? The other thing that might help is deciding the value of what your kids can gain by knowing your side of the family. That may determine the effort put into finding a solution. Is it possible for you to visit your family but you stay in a hotel so that your husband has somewhere to stay? Or does your family live in a city where your husband can visit friends while you visit your family? That way you still have family time in the evening and first thing in the morning. The other thing is asking your family to visit you in your hometown. I know this situation must be awful for you. My situation is reversed and is hindered mostly by different family upbringings and culture but being stuck in the middle is not pretty. I hope things work out for you.

That is very hard. The only thing you didn't mention was why your parents don't like or accept you husband? What is their deep rooted problem with him? I have a family situation very similar to this but we do see each other from time to time and we do just fine even though there is tension. We try. Then my second thought is that if they love you shouldn't they try to at the very least be kind to your husband, and to trust your judgement... Forgiveness and kindness are great things to teach your kids and it doesn't seem that your parents are teaching this right now.... I am so sorry that you are in that situation... And I know that it takes effort and sacrifice and true soul searching by all parties to mend a relationship that is so hurt. Prayer would be my advice. I wish I had the answer trust me>

Becky I am so sorry you are in this predicament. I was young when I found out I was pregnent. My mother blamed my hubby and never liked him. And ofcourse for that reason my hubby never really took to my mother either. Obviously we married, and my mother knew the only way she could see her grandchildren was if she could accept my husband. So, in short we all get along for the grandkids. I hope your parents will come around one day SOON. Stand by your man!

I am with everyone else. I wouldn't take the children to them knowing your husband isn't welcome. You need to be loyal to him. I would just tell them that they accept your entire family or they don't get any of you. Tell them that whenever they are ready to make nice, they are welcome to come and visit you anytime, but they must be accepting and polite to your husband. I am so sorry you have to go through this. My grandmother had a problem with my adoptive father for many years, but eventually she came around and now she loves him. It just took a lot of years with my mom telling her that is how it is, like it or leave it!

Hi Becky, I am almost in the same position you are, except both my parents love my husband it's just the rest of the family that has a problem. They all live far away and I have not seen any of them since I was 17(that was 20 years ago). My parents come to visit us, but I have never gone to visit them because of the rest of the family.
We have my husband's side of the family for our children to visit with although they do live in San Antonio. We have no family here in Dallas. My children don't even realize they are missing my side of the family. My mother-in-law is one of 12 children, so there are lots of relatives in San Antonio.
You don't say anything about your husband's parents, siblings, Aunts, Uncles, cousins. They can be your children's grandparents and family.

I do believe they need their Grandparents, but they need their parents to be united more. You're right in sticking up for your hubby. And I agree, if your parents want to see them, they will make the effort to do that, if they are avoiding your husband.

I know it will break your heart, but it is the right thing. I am sure that your support for your husband means more to him than you might ever truly know. He sounds like a sweetheart to you and your children, and that is more important for your kids to see your marriage and family united and happy. Your example of what marriage should be and can be will carry on into your children's marriages. Just be faithful, and hopefully, sooner than later, your parents will see him as you do.

I have one suggestion. You may want to write a letter to your parents explaining your decision. I would also add some personal thoughts or feelings about your relationship with them. It sounds as though they raised you well enough to find a wonderful man who loves you and is good to you and your children. Why not thank them for teaching you these things- how to be a good wife, mom, etc.? Perhaps, their marriage was a model for you (unity, love, support, etc.), and you are just passing that on to your children. This is something they SHOULD feel proud of and may help soften their outlook on things. Thank them for anything they've taught you that has helped you make this decision and just reassure them that you do love them, but that accepting you and your children means accepting ALL of you, as was stated in the other posts.

I wish you the best in this. It is not an easy decision to make but one that will definitely bring you closer together as husband and wife and as a family.

I don't think parents need their grandparents if their grandparents do not accept their dad. If I were in that situation, which I almost was, I would not visit my parents unless my husband was welcome. These children that you have created have half of his blood, his traits, etc., and if they insist on disrespecting their dad, they are basically disrespecting them. My father and sister were very against me marrying my husband, and they contemplated not coming to our wedding. I made it very clear that if they made that decision, the consequences would be that they would not have a relationship with me. Since taking that stand for my husband and our marriage, they have both come around and we have a pretty good relationship with them. I think they respected me for standing up to them and for letting them know that that kind of response to my husband would not be tolerated. I would never allow people in my children's lives that showed blatant disrespect for their father. Good luck - I know these family issues can be extremely difficult and hurtful.

Yeah, I wouldn't take them to visit. It's just showing your parents that you are accepting their dislike for your DH. You're doing a good job sticking up for your hubby. Tell your parents that they need to either accept your DH or not accept your whole family.

Good luck!

Hi. My advice would be to tell my parents exactly how they make me feel and that they are being hurtful. And what will the kids think when they are older?
I would tell them that either my husband comes along on the trip with us, or they can be the ones that come to visit us. Your husband is part of your family too, and the father of your children.
If they won't accept him, then it's their problem and their loss. If they want to see their granchildren, then they need to just put their feelings for him aside for the time being for the sake of you and your kids.

I honestly cant believe that you would consider going and visiting without your husband. You may not like this but if I was you I would tell them that everyone comes or no one. Yes you love your parents and they love you and the kids. You have your husband and kids now and that is your family. If your oarents cant except it them bye bye. My family is number one. My husband and kids that is. That will be here with me no matter what. I know that. Everyone else has their own life and you should move on with yours if they cant accept who you love. To me, if they dont accept you husband then they dont really accept your kids. Good Luck!!!

Do you want your children to grow up and treat others the way your parents treat your husband? I feel bad for your husband! I think traveling with 2 children is the least of your problems here! Good Luck!

Your children are his children!! If they can not accept that then that is too bad. You need to explain to your parents that you are a package deal like them all or nothing. Besides how do you know what they are saying to your children. I've had the similar problem with my father-in-law. He hated me and said bad things to my son. When we found out what was going on we pulled the plug on their relationship. He made a choice later on that he was going to try a build a relationship with me for our kids. That is what people should do for the sake of children. Now we all get along thank god and my boys love their papa.. But it took us putting our foot down for a change to happen.

p.s. You should never force your husband to accept a childish situation. Your parents should do what ever it takes to see there ONLY grand babys!!

Becky~
I feel your pain girl!! My mother in law told me(within hours of my husband proposing marriage to me and giving me an engagement ring) that there was no one on this earth that would ever be good enough for her son and that I should just know that going into the marriage!! We have managed to maintain a nice relationship through our 10 years of marriage, but believe me that is always at the forefront of my mind.

My own mother politely accepts my husband, but I know she doesn't love him, because of faith-based reasons(another story entirely)........

With all that said, my advice is to do the following-
Tell your family that this hatred of theirs is simply not going to improve their relationship with YOU or the grandkids, and that in fact it is pushing you away from them. Afterall, when you marry, you are in essence leaving your family and joining your husband to become one with him. If they choose to abandon him, then they are abandoning YOU too!

I know this is a very emotional and difficult thing for you...I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts. Take care,
T.

Just my thoughts, since my folks aren't very kind towards my husband.
When we had our son we made it quite clear we came as a family and if their behavior was against one of us or our beliefs, in any way, they would lose contact with their only grandchild. I know it sounds harsh and like we are using our son against my folks, but we believe we are just being cautious parents.
I know grandparents are important (I had both sets growing up and loved every minute of it!) but you don't want them to influence your kids negatively, they pick up on those things. And it would hurt them to see their father shunned.
Personally, my parents have a lot of growing up and accepting to do and it sounds like yours do too. I am truly sorry about that for us and your family. Good luck and God bless all of you.

I would definitely set a bottom line. Like you want to see your grandchildren - you will then have to figure out how to accept and LIKE & RESPECT my hubby. Is there some reason they don't like him? Did they get off to a bad start? If you are christian - and your parents are religious- you could point out a couple of things - Like how Joseph still married an already impregnated woman (which never happened in those times) and other things like "judge not lest ye be judged". The new testament is full of good stuff about the power of forgiveness. Good Luck! I hope that you can reconcile your entire family. As family can be very important, both the one you came from and the one you are creating!

LP

If it were me...I would not go unless they could learn to except my husband. How can they love your children so much when they are half his? I don't quite understand why they won't except your husband. If they have never given you a reason, then they need to grow up. I, too, think it would send a bad message to your children when you have to explain why their dad can't come visit grandma and grandpa. However, I do think grandparents are beneficial to a child.

I am sorry you have to deal with this. I dont have the same situation but I know how you feel. I have been told and learned that being a grandparent is a privlage not a right!! Your responsibility as a mom and a parent is to protect your children from all kinds of danger and things that can do harm to them. Even if its emotional, or Mental. When they get older you never know what they might tell your children about there dad, if this problem isnt taken care of. I know I get the feeling my mom is doing the same thing about my husband to my daughter. You are going to have to remind your family that the Bible says that "two become one" the day your married, and though we are told to honor our father and mother, its tough when they do things like this. You are just going to have to tell them that unless they accept your husband, you wont have anything elese to do with them, or the grandkids. Now I would still send them letters letting them know how they are doing and send pics every now and then. But if the role was reversed and it was you his parents didnt like. How would you feel and how would you want him to handle his family?? Good Luck, and I hope things get better for you. I wouldnt go visit with out him.

Hi Becky,

I just got your post and see you have already received some great guidance and, IMO, made the right decision.

I wanted to write you not as a mother, but as a child who did not have a good relationship with either of her grandparents for the reasons you are currently experiencing (plus they are/were domineering and possessive of me, the only grand daughter for a long time). As a child I knew I had grandparents in New England (we were in TX) and I would see them every few years, maybe. Our immediate family was close, and I never even realized I was missing those relationships with extended family. When I got older and I saw how my grandparents interreacted with my parents, I not only understood why we moved so far away and never saw them much, I appreciated it. I think it would have been very confusing for me as a child to be around such disrespect toward my parents and torn.

I hope this helps. Know you did the right thing, no matter what their reasons are. For your family's well-being, you have to choose your husband over your parents. Otherwise, what is the point of getting married? :-)

Best of luck moving forward!
A.