Do I Wait to Have Another Baby So My Sister Has Time to Heal from Her Loss?

My husband and I lost a baby girl, Mikailyn, to a major heart defect at 3 weeks with no prior knowledge of the defect. We have also had subsequent miscarriages. I feel like, to some degree, I know what your sister feels. I think it might be helpful for you to talk to her ahead of time and let her know what your plans are, how you feel, and your concern for her. Open up and let her see your heart. It will probably still be hard for her to deal with, but so is seeing anybody with a healthy baby (from my own experience).

I'm sorry I can't answer any questions about TGV specifically. I hope your sister can find the strength to try again. For me, some major healing came from having a son who is healthy as an ox. :)

God bless you and your sister.

I have been through a similar situation, except I was in your sister's shoes. I was 19w the Wednesday before Mother's Day in 2000. I went in for my usual monthly check up only to learn that my baby's heart was no longer beating. I was DEVASTATED. I had to endure another sonogram Thursday (just to be sure I was told). I was admitted to the hospital on Friday night (in the Maternity ward no less) to have labor induced. My husband, who turned out to be useless in the situation, was with me but my mother could not be because my sister had moved in with her and was due the following week. I delivered my baby early Saturday morning and my nephew was born Sunday afternoon (Mother's Day). Needless to say, I was teetering dangerously close to the edge of a breakdown. My family did not call me until shortly before my sister delivered and I was terribly upset about that. This was my sister's first child. How could I not be happy for her? They used the excuse of wanting me to get some sleep. There was no sleep to be had for days. I never asked but I suspect my sister pressed the issue herself.

Having said all of that, the main thing that you need to remember is that NOTHING you do now will take away your sister's pain. It still hurts for me to talk about it now. However, don't make a bad situation worse by altering your life plans for her. Your sister will find peace and acceptance in time. Avoiding the her and the topic will only make her feel more uncomfortable. Acknowledge the elephant in the room and if your sister wants to talk, she will.

Can you have a baby for her?

It won't matter who has a baby, she will be heartbroken and envious no matter how hard she tries not to be. I had a friend that couldn't conceive and she said she felt angry at anyone that was having a baby. She just couldn't help it. To bring a baby into the world and not survive so quickly, her body is telling her to nurture but she has nothing to nurture.

Carry out your family plans but always remember to be humble, compassionate to her needs. Please think about the above question. What a great love you would share if you could help her.

Love to you both, C.

What about talking with your sisters when you start trying? Maybe expressing your fears about how it might affect them and reassuring them that the last thing in the world you want to do is to hurt them. Plus, it might give them a chance to talk about their pain with you. It might be easier to hear that you're pregnant if it's not a surprise..? And I agree with the other mamas that their pain will be there no matter what, but you can't suspend your life.

I only wanted to add that I too had no problems getting pregnant with my first 2 babies. We've been trying for our 3rd now for over a year and a half (with 2 miscarriages in this time)! I say go for it now. I can't imagine she would want you to put your plans on hold for her. Good luck to you and your family, and I'm so sorry for her losses... can't even imagine it.

I am so sorry for these losses in your family. I cannot imagine what your sister is going through, but you sonud like a very caring, supportive sister, so she is lucky to have you. I lost my baby last year at 12 weeks pregnant and about a week later my older sister called to tell me she was pregnant. I was very happy for her, but I have to admit to feeling some hurt and resentment. I wasn't angry with her, so much as I just felt like life was unfair. I then had to go through throwing her baby shower when I had been looking forward to my own shower. It was very hard and took me almost a year to get over my own resentment. I don't think you should completely reaarange your life plans to protect your sister, but if you can wait a little while or just hold off on telling her until you are pretty far along, that might give her a little more time to heal. Like I said, I love my sister and my new nephew, but it is very hard to watch others experience the joys of pregnancy and parenting when you are having such a difficult time, but you know your sister best, so just go with your heart. Good luck to you and your family.

S....
My brother and his wife got pregnant accidentally while my husband and I were going through infertility treatments. I was a little jealous, but extremely excited for them...their baby was the first grandchild....how could I not be excited?? They were scared to tell me and my husband, for fear of hurting our feelings. So my mom ended up telling me. I was more hurt by them not telling me themselves than by them getting pregnant! And there was a happy ending anyways, four years later after endless infertility treatments, we adopted a baby boy from Russia. Two years after his adoption, I got pregnant and had a baby girl.
I guess what I am saying, is if you do decide to get pregnant....tell your sister yourself, don't let her hear it from somebody else. Your baby will be her neice or nephew...she's going to love it!

I wanted to say that you are very thoughtful, and your sister is in my prayers. I lost my daughter at 7 weeks to SIDS, and of course I was devastated. I had planned that pregnancy to the nth degree, and didn't know how to cope when she died. The problem was that no-one else knew how to act around me, which made me feel like a freak! My step-sister had a baby a month before mine was born, so did my next door neighbor, and the nicest thing they ever did for me was to let me be around their children. They didn't treat me like I was a leper, I got to hold their babies, and yes, I cried, but I believe it was part of the healing process. I tried for another baby immediately, but that pregnancy ended in miscarriage, adding to my misery. It meant so much to me not to be treated differently by other mothers. 6 months later I became pregnant again, and gave birth to a healthy baby boy who is 10 years old now. I believe you have to let your sister grieve, but include her in a gentle way. She will feel so much worse if you make her an outsider, or if she later finds out that you put your life on hold. What she has gone through is huge already without anyone doing things that will make it feel better. Good luck to all of you!

I really don't have any advice, but I just wanted to say that you are a really caring sister. Good luck to you and your entire family.

I am in your sister's shoes. I have learned that life goes on and I can't live my life resenting what I don't have. I know you love your sister, but you can't live your life around her. Do what you think God is calling you to do.
I recommend a Greifshare program for your sister. It is amazing. It was the difference in existing and living for me after I suffered a big loss. Check out their website and find a church in her area and go with her.

It will help both her and her hubby.

Take Care and God Bless,
P.

S.,

Being someone that has a sister with 7 kids and not being able to have my own, I believe that I can answer this somewhat.

Each person is different, even each sister you have. So, sensitivity is hard to deal with..........even if you wait.

If you choose to wait, you may NOT be able to get pg right away...........many are not even after several successful pg's...............plus there's the age factor of you and your dh.

Your sister's may never be fully happy for you when they have so many problems with it. When my sister told me about her 7th, 8th, & 9th pg's (she lost the 7th & 8th) after telling me we need to have babies at the same time (I've only been married 7 years) crushed me..........esp. when she called to tell me she miscarried the 2 and expected me to help her grieve (she didn't tell anyone else), but didn't really seem to understand how difficult it was to hear her say this when at least she could GET pg and had successfully completed multiple pg's already...........it wouldn't have mattered to me how long she waited to get pg, it would have been painful no matter how long the wait. Also, even if you've had several successful pg's it doesn't guarantee that this one would be successful all the way through, your little sis's 1st pg is proof of that. I'm currently 30 mo.'s pg (embryo adoption) and get nervous just at the sound of going that long and then losing the baby............so my heart breaks for her as well.

I think that waiting a few months may be a good idea, but don't wait much longer because it WILL probably hurt them, no matter when you do it.............they WILL adjust with time. Also, even if you get pg immediately, you don't have to tell them right away..........you can at least wait until your through the 1st trimester (to help with sensitivity and also to not get anyone excited and then possibly not go full term).

Even better, if you feel comfortable with it, talk to your sisters (one at a time) and ask them how they would feel. Tell them you want to be sensitive to them...........if my sister had shown me sympathy during all of our infertility, it would have made a ton of difference.

I hope this helps.........it's JMO, but I think you should be able to go ahead and start trying again.

Ideally if you want another baby you should take prenatal vitamins for 3 months before trying- then even if you got pregnant right away you could wait a few months before announcing. That would give you at LEAST 5- 6 months before you would need to say anything at all to your family. That is a really tough call on the timing- but I don't think you need to delay further really- it will be hard for your sister at any time... this is something that even a great deal of time isn't going to completely heal, even her having a healthy baby won't take away the pain of her two previous losses.

Jodi said it well. Be there for your sister, but live your own life. I'm so very sorry for all of the pain your sister has gone through, and hope the future holds joy for her. You should continue your life as you see fit. I do understand your hesitation, though. You are a caring sister.

Oh, my heart aches for your sister. However, I doubt anything you do or don't do will help her heal.

My mother tried for years to concieve while her family and friends never had a problem. They were finally able to adopt me 10 years after their start to have a family.

My mother has told me that it was hard to see her friends and sisters-in-laws having healthy babies, but I know she would not have wanted them to put their life on hold because of their challenges. In fact, she was able to dote on their children like she would not have been able to had she had her own.

The best thing you can do, is when you are around your sister, let her set the tone. She may throw herself into your pregnancy and be your biggest supporter, and she may not feel comfortable with all the hype that comes along with it. Either way, respect what she can or cannot handle.

I agree with the person who suggested that you talk with your sister and let her know that you want to start trying, that way it will not be a surprise, and it will let her know of your concern for her and her feelings without putting your life on hold, open communications is always a good idea, I understand the pain of miscarriage but I was always happy for others good fortune too. I also recommend that you ask how involved your sister wants to be if you do get pregnant, does she want to hear all the details or would she rather be a little distant, I have a friend that has no children (infertility issues) and because of that she often gets left out of going to lunch with friends because we all have kids and we don't think to invite her to McDonalds for lunch, in my mind who would want to go sit at McD's play room and eat fast food if they didn't have to, but from her point of view she would rather do that than not have lunch with the girls, which after it was brought to my attention I did understand, we often didn't think to invite her because she didn't have kids. Hope that makes sense...

she has to heal in her own way, and in her own time, if you wait and then you can not get pregnant for some reason then would regret not having tried sooner, would you resent her for your decision to wait, hard questions but for a good reason. Our stories are similar, I didn't want kids, then I did, my Hubby only wanted one, then two, but not three... he then decided we could try for #3, the first two were easy got pregnant very easy, but the third... 2 years an one miscarriage later I still wasn't pregnant, so we gave up trying, and then it happened, PTL we got pregnant with our third, you just never know

It is soooo nice that you are thinking about your sister and I am sorry for her losses. From experiance... We had some losses and a close call with my last child and it did hurt to find out that my sister in law was pregnant, BUT you can not go around other peoples feelings with this. This is your family. What if your sister never has another child are you going to miss out on a chance to continue your happy family for your sisters feelings about it. If she is a good sister then she will be happy for you even if her heart hurts. She should understand. Happy trying!

My heart goes out to all those who have lost a child. However, you have your own life to lead. I would tell her you plan to try for another baby. Honesty and being up front is almost always best. Her reaction may be different than you think.

I would say that you need to do what is right for your family. If you feel the time is right for a 3rd, then go for it. However, I would expect for this to be a sensitive issue for your sister. And if you do find yourself pregnant, then I would approach it gently with your sister. Additionally, don't expect a lot from her emotionally. You may end up being surprised; however, it probably would be best to not expect a lot to avoid disappointment. Good luck with your decision.

That is a tough situation, so if I were you, I would weight the counsel of folks who know you higher than responses like mine from folks you don't know. I though have been in a similar situation. My sister delivered a stillborn child at 27 weeks about a year after my first son was born. Because of medication she is on, she and her husband have been unable to try to have another child. A year or so later when my husband and I were ready to have our second child, I thought about my sister and how she would feel. Rather than assume, I asked her. She assured me that she would be happy for me and shared with me some of the things that she had done to cope with her loss. I was glad that I asked her, because it allowed her to open up to me more than any other time about losing her son. She allowed me to feel comfortable in moving forward with expanding our family. My boys are now 8 and 5. She is by far their favorite aunt, and she is crazy about them and loves spending time with them. I get her a card every year for Mother's Day -- for her son that is in heaven and because she is like a 2nd mother to my boys.

Do you listen to KCBI 90.9FM? Last Friday I heard Dennis Rainey and Hope for Today talk about his own daughter and a similiar grief story. Her baby girl died 7 days after she was born completely healthy, with a brain anurism. She recently gor PG again and had a miscarriage about two months into her pregnancy.
They had a wonderful and tender program of healing and help and I believe he wrote a book to help others. I think if you go online or call KCBI you could find out how to get the program on CD and order the book.
I say go ahead and get pg with your own child, the process will help all of you. Life does go on and God works every step of the way to bless us and teach us.
Blessings...

I lost my 2 girls 8 months ago I would not want my sister to put her life on hold. She told me soon after they died that she wanted a 6th baby and I am fine with that. This is my life and that is her life. I'm sure I would cry around her if she had another one but that is not always a bad thing.
Go have your baby!!!

S.,
First of all, let me start by saying how sorry I am for your sister and your family for these losses. I do have somewhat of an insight into this situation, but of course, please remember that every person grieves & handles personal tragedy in their own way. My husband and I lost twin girls 1.5 years ago. They were born too early and could not survive. About 3 months later I learned that my sister-in-law, who already had 4 other children without any trouble, was pregnant with her 5th. She left it to my mom to tell me because I think she was a little afraid of what my and my husband's reactions would be. Personally, even though I was having a difficult time dealing with our losses, I felt sorry for her having to worry about me, when she should be overjoyed about the new life growing inside of her. What happened with our twins, as well as with our little boy 7 years earlier, was nobody's fault. While I expected my family & friends to be sympathetic & supportive, I still wanted them to have their own joys in life. I called her immediately and told her how happy I was for them and how excited I was that, when we did have children, they would have a cousin closer to their age to play with.(all of the other children are 9 years old & older)As kind as you are to be considerate of her feelings, you need to make the best decision for you and your family. I would not suppose to give you specific advice on such a personal decision. I just thought a story from someone who has been in a situation like your sister might help. By the way, my husband and I did have another child. Although it was a difficult pregnancy, and I had to be on complete bedrest the entire 9 months among other things, we have a beautiful healthy 4 month old little girl who LOVES playing with her 6 month old cousin!!

My thoughts & prayers are with you as you and your husband make this decision. And my thoughts & prayers will also be with your sister for comfort and understanding.

K.

A smilar thing happened to me about a year and a half ago when we lost our first in a late miscarriage. My sister-in-law (who already had 3 children) became pregnant shortly after our loss. I have to be honest, it was really hard. I experianced a variety of emotions from jelousy to anger and resentment. But now looking back, I would have had those feelings no matter what because I was greiving. The timing just happened to work out so that some of those emotions were directed at her. I think what made it barable and preserved our relationship was the way that she handled it. She was kind enough to tell me first, before they announced it to the family. I also noticed that she was really careful to not talk about it and dwell on it a lot around me. She was a good friend through it all and made every effort to still allow me to greiv. She understood that that sort of news is not always good news for everyone. Eventually it got easier to be around them and talk about her joy as well as my greif. Just be sensitive and understanding of your sister's position and don't expect her to be happy for you right away. She needs time to heal and you can play a very influential role in that healing even if you are pregnant and she is not. Good Luck!

S.,

I think it would be in good taste to wait a little longer...not a year or two or anything, but if you guys have no trouble conceiving, then maybe 6-8 more months won't be such a huge wait. Anyway, on another note, was the TGV a simple or complex TGV or do you know? Most kids born with TGV live, especially with the cardiac/NICU's in good hospitals these days because in most cases, infants with TGV have other heart defects that actually are a blessing because they allow the infant to stay alive in time for the main transposition to be corrected...things like septal defects, etc allows the mixing of the blood and thus enough oxygen to get to the brain and rest of the body. Anyway, just a side note...not sure if they looked into that and any fault with the baby's care or anything. Very sorry for her losses though. That is very very tough for anyone to overcome.

Sarah,

Go ahead and try for the baby. You assume you will be able to right away and it might not work out that way. If you are wanting a 3rd, go for it.

I had 6 losses before I was finally able to carry my daughter. There is nothing in the world that heals that pain until you are able to have a child or find another solution to your situation. For every child I lost, I know a child of the age my child would have been. It was painful and I was angry, but not with the person. I love those children I just hated my inabilities. So, no matter how long you wait, there will be jealousy and hurt. You cannot take responsibility for her feelings and you cannot save her. Grow your family and be happy.

Janet's answer is great! I have been on both sides of the isle here my self. My sister was pregnant with her 2nd while I was pregnant with my 4th. We were within days of eachother. My sister lost hers. I know have this beautiful little girl and she is left with a hole and an idea that she will never have another baby. Bizzarly I was the one with a history of loss. I know that she thinks about it a lot but I know that she is happy for me and she knows I am there if she needs to cry. After my 3rd loss I had another family member who got pregnant and they chose not to tell me unil far into the pregnacy, not wanting to hurt my feelings. That almost hurt them more, although I appriciated the thought it made me sad to think that they did not think I could share their happiness with them. So grow your family and and allow your sister to share in your happiness, and be there for her when she is sad. That is what family is all about.