12 answers

Do I Let My Husband Go on a Trip WITHOUT Me?

My husband was a Marine and every couple of years or so his squadron gets together for a little reunion. In July they are having a weekend get together in Oregon. Their plan is to drink and bar hop all weekend. Their are about 25 or so guys going. More than half are single. He said some guys are taking their girlfriends. Like an idiot when he asked I said yes. But now I am like,wait. This does not feel right. I do trust my husband. But I have not met 90% of these guys. I do not know if they are gonna go to strip clubs,etc. The most interesting thing to me is that he did not invite me to go. I don't want to control him. I just do not know what to do. What would you do??

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If you trust him, you trust him. No worries.

You might ask him "If some of the girlfriends are going, is there any reason you didn't ask me to go too?" and see what he says. He may just have thought you'd be miserable going bar hopping with strangers when you can't drink too. If so, let it go and don't worry.

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O.K. he should have asked you, but you are pregnant and have a little one, first of all im sure your husband is great, but no matter if hes way young or going through midlife crisis, men need respect, and also to be told what to do, it doesnt make them less of a man, you need to sit him down and talk to him, if your uncomfortable, dont use "hey im preggers so i cant go out so neither can you", but i need more about your relationship, and your age to give you some really good advice. I can tell you when i was dating my husband, i got all pretty to hang out with him and every thing was fun for 15 minutes, then his friend thet always cheats on his wife, showed up and said lets go to the club but no girls, and he told me and i said o.k. then i sat in my car for 10 minutes, then i got pissed, i said to my guy, "i dont care if you hang out with your friends, but not if you make plans with me first! i spent 2 hours getting ready and drove 30 minutes to see you! obviously your not ready for a committment!" weve been together ever since, oh and he said "sorry im a man, im stupid, sometimes you gotta tell me." hes never cheated on me and i trust him totaly, 4yrs and no problems but bills

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Contrary to what you said, it sounds like there are some trust issues. It should not matter who is going with your husband. He is responsible for his own actions. I agree with the person who said to omit the "let." I'm going away w/ my friends for a week and if my husband refered to it as "letting" me go, I'd be a little indignant. What I do know is that I would resent the person who "kept" me from going. Then again, my husband knows my character, and I know his. You're right, you don't know what is going to happen. Whatever happens will be indicative of the kind of man you married.

J.

Let him go. Those men have a bond that you should encourage him to keep. And if it's only a weekend every couple years, so what. Dr. Laura would tell you give him a going away gift he'll never forget (wink, wink) and a reason to come home as soon as possible.
Good luck.
M.

I've been in all possible senarios, I was the one who went without the husband. I've been the one with him, and I've also been the pregnant one at home. The worst is the pregnant one at home. I would say you have one of two choices, plan a get together with your girlfriends the same weekend OR go with him. You'll both have more fun if you just make seperate plans. There is time to spend with the husband and time to spend without him, I think this is one of the times to just let him go. But trust me when I say that you should be doing something just as fun or you'll be absolutely miserable at home & being pregnant doesn't help. Think about fun nice things you can do pregnant too, spa trip, beach trip, etc...

Just please, don't be the pregnant one at home taking care of the kid when he's out late drinking with the boys, having fun, partying (although Oregon trips are more fishing and hunting), and not answering the cell phone (because he doesn't hear it in the bar or didn't bring it) because you will get pissed, TRUST ME, I've been there!

If you trust him, you trust him. No worries.

You might ask him "If some of the girlfriends are going, is there any reason you didn't ask me to go too?" and see what he says. He may just have thought you'd be miserable going bar hopping with strangers when you can't drink too. If so, let it go and don't worry.

Let him go, trust me he will miss you and the baby more then ever if you let him go without you!

Hi K.:
...I understand how your feeling.I believe,if your husband had said "My Marine buddies and I are going to go bar hop" That would of sounded acceptable.It was when he added,that "some of the guys are bringing their girlfriends." The message this sends, is that Its not REALLY an (all guy thing). Some of the guys actually thought of and are including their girls.Your thought was....Well,why aren't you bringing yours?? It makes you feel left out. It makes you feel like your not one of (those girls) that were the (EXCEPTION TO THE RULE)To add insult to injury,your pregnant.(lord knows,we all feel a little less attractive during that time). You have a toddler,that needs your constant attention. Mens timing, sucks. I'm sure he didn't come up with the date,but what lousy timing. Your no doubt feeling a bit couped up in that house yourself.I bet Your feeling as though your stuck being the responsible one,while his thoughts are of drinking and partying. Get a sitter,and go out and have some fun.Hug your hubby and tell him THANK YOU. Tell him that his trip will give you A chance to get together with a few of your old friends to.Its perfect, because with him going on his trip,he won't even notice your missing. : )Party on K.!!!

First of all, I think you need to drop the phrase/thought "let." You're both adults and shouldn't need to "let" one another do things and doing things independently shouldn't require "permission." That said, I can understand why you might not want him to go. However, you said that you trust him. If you really do trust him then there should be no issues. Who cares whether or not you've met the other people? The only one who matters and the only person you need to trust is your husband. If you feel that he would be easily influenced by these other people then you have bigger issues.

For me, I have no problems when my husband spends time with friends or when he's away (he's had to travel some for biz and personal family stuff) in terms of trusting him. I trust him completely. My issue has more to do with not wanting to be a single mom - and kudos to those of you who are! Taking care of my 2 yr old on my own is a lot of work and I like the break when he comes home. I imagine I'd feel that even more if I were pregnant.

It sounds to me as though you do have some insecurities about his potential behavior and motive for wanting to go. I'd ask him. Explain your concerns and let him alleviate them. Share with him the fact that you were disappointed at not having been asked along and ask him why. It could be that he thinks he's sparing you. Or it could be that he just really wants a break and is looking forward to being with his buddies for a few days. Maybe set some compromises before he goes - i.e. please no strip clubs.

Good luck.

Just ask him. No harm in asking. Tell him you didn't really think about it at first, but "it sounds like fun, if the other women are going...." etc.

Perhaps he didn't ask you to go because you are pregnant, and have an 18 month old son....and certainly it's not healthy for you to be in bars while pregnant. Also, if the men are going basically to let loose and have fun... it's not going to be easy to do that if his whole family is with him. That's probably what he is thinking MAYBE.

I wouldn't project and put negative thoughts in your head... or assume things about him as to "why" he didn't ask you to go. Just tell him in a nice way.... "Honey, did you want me to come too? Or not and just want to have a boys outing??? I notice some other women are going...."

As far as him having a "reunion" with the guys...there's nothing wrong with that conceptually. Just tell him to 'take care and be safe....don't drink and drive, and remember you have a pregnant wife and children at home...." but say it in a nice & caring & non-possessive way, so he knows that you are not trying to be nagging.

As far as him going to bars and strip clubs... well men are men. You NEED to trust your Husband. For me... even if my Hubby goes out with the guys occasionally (and yes strip clubs).... I TOTALLY trust MY husband even though I don't know ALL 70% of the other guys. I "know" my Husband... I trust him explicitly. I know he knows how to handle himself, I know he is not obnoxious or immature, I know he is not easily influenced and can make his own decisions, I know he is respectful of me and our children, I know he can make good judgments even in a bar, I know he will not put himself at risk, I know he is not a 'follower', I know he can stand up for himself, I know he puts his family and me first, I know he will not engage in risky behavior, I know he will not fool around, I know he will not do anything stupid, I know he will not break any laws, I know he CAN be trusted. Therefore, I do not feel insecure if my Husband goes out with the boys, or away from home, or is around other women.

Now, how about you? How about your Husband? Can your husband handle himself and 'behave?" THAT is the question you need to feel secure with.

At least your Husband asked you first if he could go. He didn't have to. You said yes. If you are unsure about it, just talk to him. At least your Husband ALSO said that the other guys are taking their girlfriends.... he was honest about that.

Just talk to your Hubby.... nothing wrong with that. You are pregnant and will be at home by yourself AND with your 18 month old son.... tell him your concerns. Be open and honest... you should be able to communicate anything with your Husband.

Tell him it does not "feel" right for some reason.... ask him why he didn't invite you etc. Just be open... maybe it is just your insecurity about it and being pregnant. You should certainly be able to discuss it with him. And certainly, he is only a cell-phone call away, right? He should be able to answer the phone anytime. Don't worry, unless he has a history of disrespecting you and your children.

Take care and good luck,
~Susan

Hi K.,
My husband rides a bike and often goes on "runs" with the guys. I get told from time to time, "no skirts". He is so cool isn't he???? Anyway, whenever I feel bad that I was not invited, i remind myself that I would never want to be told I can't go out alone. Do you just feel bad that you are not invited or are you feeling a reason? If you have a valid reason, then you have to address that, otherwise tell him to go and have a nice time. Maybe sometime when he is not on the spot, let him know you would like to go meet the guys sometime and maybe he will invite you the next time they go. Just don't allow yourself to be pushed to the side in every instance, if that is the case give him hell.

First of all, I know how you feel. My husband has a very active social life and I've been left out of many trips, etc. I used to get really upset when he would do these things without me. Its not that I wasn't invited, but we have small children at home and its not always easy for me to just leave them. That said, you don't want to go. (I've gone to enough of these gatherings now.) The trip will most likely be nothing like you imagine. Just a bunch of guys hanging out and reminiscing. Your husband probably didn't invite you because of your son and the pregnancy. But if it bothers you, ask him. Whatever you do, don't ask him not to go. He'll resent it and you'll regret it. Make sure you tell him not to be stupid and do anything he'll regret, like going to a strip club. My husband really enjoys his trips with his friends and I like hearing all the stories when he gets home.

~N.
Married for 8 years, 11 months. :) Together for 13 years.

Hey K.,
If it were me I would definitely let my husband go. Look, if I were invited to go on a girls trip and go bar hopping I wouldn't want my husband to go. It's not that he didn't invite you cuz he doesn't have fun with you it's just that this is a special trip with him and his buddies and he doesn't want you to go but that's no big deal. Like I said, I wouldn't want him to go to a girls trip. So, if you trust him like you say you do let him go. I'm sure if you had the opportunity to get away for a while, you would want his permission too. And so what if they go to strip clubs that is a fantasy thing not real life. The best thing you could do is show you trust him and that you are not controlling and it's no big deal. By the way, my husband was a marine too. Good luck and don't worry.

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