Divorced and Going Thru the Nightmare of Dating Again

He still has strong feelings for his ex wife. That chapter in his life is still open and I think that neither one is over the other completely. You can wait it out or you can walk out depends on what you want or ready for. Either way no worries.

Hello M.,

You have choices now. Don't make the wrong choice. He talks about her not about the two of you. Give him his space and time will tell. Don't be the one left standing alone.

Sounds like he's not over her, no matter what the status of their marriage/divorce is. I think this is a bad idea, as he's not available in the way you would like him to be. Anytime somebody spends everyday talking about somebody they couldn't commit in marriage to, isn't ready to be in a relationship with anybody else.

Hi M. :)
The only thing to be concerned about is yourself. I don't mean that in a selfish or nasty way either. These two still have unfinished business from the sound of things. And as for him, he does not sound ready to get close in a relationship yet because it will suffocate his healing... his being with anybody- including you- is nothing more than a distraction (rebound) from what he needs to be focusing on right now, and that is the lesson that life has presented to him from their relationship not working out. If he chooses to learn from it and move forward and grow as a person, mentally and spiritually, letting his inner self expand and understand more of who he is, then hats off to him! If he is going to deny his pain and be complacent being stuck in yesterday, then you, too, my darling, will be stuck in your life as you are now with him. You are riding on his emotional merry-go-round.

What you have written in your posting is a great to yourself :) You have answered your own questions. There are times, like when our hearts want so desperately to find, give, and receive love, that it is difficult to realize our own answers coming from within, but that is where they always are :) and from where will always come. You can get advice from a 100 women here; they may sway you in one direction and another. Some may trigger emotions- old and new- in what you will read. Others will write from experience and others will just tell you to tell him to get lost. Every women who writes and many who read will be supporting you in their hearts. :) Given that fact, you can feel reassured that all of that love energy is attached to you your higher self and will be there to help you get through any decision you make. :)

If you can, for a moment, put everything out of your head. Think about what advive you truly have asked for here... these are BIG questions/issues because the longer you are with this guy, the more you lose part of your "self" to him. There are people and situations in our lives that have the potential to take part of our souls as well. People's deepest pain and most necessary healing comes from experiences where this has occured, but they- maybe even most people- may not even realize that this is what has happened to them. In what you wrote, he doesn't sound strong right now. He doesn't sound over her. By that I mean that he hasn't let go of things, he hasn't started a healing process, perhaps a forgiveness process... maybe there are things he doesn't yet understand? He seems as if time will continue with him stagnant in this space. My advice, and gut feeling, would be NOT to accompany him. You keep your own power! You seem now as if you are at the doorstep of possibly surrendering it despite all of your hesitations, and like you are looking for a reason to just say "hell with" and just go for it, when I think, deep inside, you know it doesn't feel right. You only want it to just feel right... Ultimately, most people want to be loved and have that special someone. There's nothing wrong with that. But when one disregards their own well-being and happiness, and allows their precious spirit to be disrespected or abused, THEN there's (a) HUGE problem(s)!!!!! And one will have them... many of them!

So M., I hope whatever choice you make is completely honest within yourself. Honesty hurts sometimes, but never as badly as denying it will hurt in the end. :) Please do yourself a favor and re-examine this relationship and what you wrote in your posting. There will be someone who will come along and knock your socks off! This guy now doesn't even sound close to emotionally being ready to sweep you off your feet yet. I'm sorry if that hurts you. However, before you have invested way too much of yourself- because you seem the type to fully embrace and give 110% to the one you love- I want you to remember that love isn't supposed to hurt. Love isn't supposed to question. Love doesn't stay stuck and go back and forth between two people at the same time. Love releases happy, popping joy bubbles from our hearts. :D Love speaks, feels and knows without saying a word. Love shows respect and honor. It allows growth, not by holding one back out of fear, but by loving them unconditionally and letting them fly! Love does so many wonderful things... love makes us smile :) ... one cell at a time!

All my best to you. My highest, most positive thoughts are there to give you strength and support you also! :) Please let me know how you are doing and what you decide. :)

In Light,
J.

Sounds like trouble to me! You know it. You deserve better. Cut your losses and break it off now. You are divorced. You know not every relationship is meant to last. There are a lot of fish in the sea. And when it comes to the fish that aren't keepers, the less time wasted the better. Talking about his ex daily is NUTS!!!! He really lucked out to have found a woman who will put up with that nonsense. Being understanding is one thing, but you are being used. You are allowing yourself to be used. Ask yourself why you are putting up with this? And work through it before you start dating the next guy.

M.,
Follow your gut feeling. I personally think you should put things on hold until he can tell you under no uncertain terms what is going on with you two. And it should be OVER with the EX. Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. You've already gone through a diviorce, which I presume was difficult enough. Why don't you save yourself for someone who fills you with certainty and comfort? Take care of yourself and feel good, don't compromise your happiness.

OMG tell him to be quiet about his X,that it started to offend you a long time ago but you were just being polite but now he's being so rude. Tell him if he's over her fine then drop the subject of her, and if not get lost.

I have come to the point where I tolerate very little when not being treated right. I spent ALL THOSE YEARS being treated horribly, and if I learned anything it's to know your value and do something about it. Dont be around negativity and stand your ground. You are so valuable and you dont have time to feed someone's ego or be insulted.

W

You don't mention if you still have children in the house. If you do, I would stay away from dating until they are out of the house. You don't want to subject your dating life to your children. They have to share your time and energy and they have to endure any breakups you may go through. My mother was divorced when I was a year old. She dated a little until I was about three (only when I was away for the weekend) and decided that there really wasn't room for dating when she needed to make-up for the lack of an intact home. Now that I'm grown I appreciate the time she gave me. Wait to date and you will be in a better place.

Trust your gut. What does he say when you tell him that you don't want to open a chapter when he hasn't closed the last one?

That's a lot of talking about his ex... Maybe he's still working out his feelings. I can't blame you for feeling like she is in the relationship with the both of you. More importantly how do you feel when you are with him? At this stage you should be giddy!!!

Hi M..
If that was me in your shoes, i would definitely feel the same way you are right now. I don't think the man is ready for a new relationship, since he's constantly mentioning her. The question is, who broke up with whom in the first place? If he was the one that gotr kicked to the curb, then that would explain as to why he's mentioning her all the time, as he probably feels like the victim, but at the same time, he should think that perhaps talking about her makes you uncomfortable, which it does. You did good by telling him he was not ready for a new chapter, what did he answer to that? In the mean time all i can suggest is meet other fish in the ocean. Don't get too involved with just one, especially if they are not ready yet, 'cause in the long run you'll be the one getting emotionally hurt.
Good luck,
D.

If he is still talking to and then talking about his ex I wouldn't waste time with him. You'll either get hurt with him going back for seconds (doesn't sound like he is too secure with himself) or only use you as a rebound and move on. I would say distance yourself from this guy - you'll be happier without all the drama. Good luck!
A.

Your instincts are right on - he has unfinished business and should not be involved with anyone until that is finished. Do yourself a favor and avoid the drama - move on! Good luck.

Hi M.,
I dated a guy who was divorced who always was angry at his ex. He wasent ready to date. I am still friends with him to this day,he is a good guy, but he was still putting too much emotional energy into her. I married someone else.
I know people that have gotton through what you have gone through and made it work but it is a long hard road.
Good luck to you.
J.

4 months of dating this guy is long enough for him to cut the ties with the ex I see a red flag going up, but first thing always with dating is up front and honest about how you feel and what you want, there is no time to waste on endless dating, either he makes up the mind and dates you , and leave the ex out of it or move on, how rude to talk about his ex all the time, next time he does it, let him know your not interested in hearing the details of the ex, I am here with you .... its rude he does that.... up to you but don't waste to much time with this guy if he dorsn't get your hints.

Dating sucks but you can have the way you want it, be firm to take seconds.

Run from him as fast you can!! You didn't mention kids but I assume you do since you are posting her. Your children don't need to get stuck in the middle of a mixed up MALE ( a MAN would know better). I'm sure they've been through enough with a parental split up. Just take this time to enjoy your kids, you can date later. Be sure to always put them first. Your mr. right will come along unexpectedly someday.

M., you are exactly right! My experience with my husband was when we were dating there was still a 2x3 framed photo in the spare bedroom. I was allowed to go in there, but I had to look at that thing. So one day he told me he loved me and I asked two questions...do you need the picture of the x if you love me and do you have divorce papers. He was ok with the picture but furious with the divorce papers. He asked if I wanted to see them and I said yes. He threw them at me, so I thumbed through them looking for the seal. He told me I could read them but I told him all I wanted was to see that seal. 11.5 years later, it is funny, but it let him know I was serious about it.

Simple he is still hung up on her, tell him to read some great books then try and date again. If he is still having issues he may need therapy and no I am not joking. It does help the healing process. But its not fair to you if he brings her up every other conversation. My fiancee used to do this I made him read some books and offered therapy but he said no to the therapy. I also told him if he wouldn't go then he needs to realize I am not his ex, will never be his ex unless his ex and her drama were not left out of our relationship. He quickly changed.

Good luck.

Hi M.,

You need to decide if you want to be his best friend or his girlfriend. Sometimes you can't be both. If you want to be his best friend then start dating other guys and be there for him when he needs a friend to talk to. If you want to be his girlfriend then you need to tell him how you feel and ask him point blank if he has unresolved feelings for his ex. Once confronted with the question, it will make him think about it more. Even if he doesn't give you a direct answer, pay attention to his actions and you'll have your answer. You are not too invested and can take a step back then possibly walk away. You need to think about what's best for you and ask if your needs are being met. As women we often feel selfish for wanting our needs to be met. It's not selfish, it's healthy and necessary.

Best of luck to you.

Hi M.. Sorry to hear you're going through the drama that dating tends to bring about.
The man you're dating now sounds like he is still in love with his ex. This has nothing to do with you so don't feel like you could have done or said things differently. He has unresolved issues with her and it's not just about finances. Though it's hard, I believe that if you decide to stop seeing him, you need to break it off completely. Don't let him do to you what he's doing with his ex. If you decide you don't want to be with him anymore, make a clean break. Have no regrets. Just take your lessons learned and move on.
Being single for a while is not a bad thing at all. You don't have to give up on dating completely, just pick and choose wisely. Don't settle. It's never worth it.

b

I'm very blunt and would tell him if he's going to keep bringing her up in conversation then what's the point of you two having a relationship? Maybe branch out a little and go on other dates - not necessarily serious dates but just to have something different and when he sees that he'll have to decided what he really wants - plus it gives you an out with out getting your heart broken

It sounds as if you have very good instincts. You should listen to them. This guy does not sound like a 'keeper'. It sounds as if he still has very strong feelings for his wife. Think about it if this were you talking this way about your ex, wouldn't that mean that you still cared deeply for him? That little voice inside you is telling you (no screaming) to run for the hills away from this guy. If I were you, I would listen. Good luck M.. I am going through a divorce as well, but have not started dating yet. Where do divorced women (my children are adults that no longer live at home)meet potential dates these days?

Dear M.:

This man needs to be in counseling, not bouncing this stuff off of you. You are not his therapist.

I think you deserve much better and I hope you choose to find someone who is consumed with YOU!

Best wishes,

M.

Get out now before it is too late. He is not over her and you are trying too hard.

Based on what you wrote, it seems there are still feelings there between your boyfriend and his ex-wife. It's hard to give advice on this subject but I think you should always remember, you are NOT asking for too much when you ask that your boyfriend not communicate with his ex. This should actually be automatic.

Remember you deserve it all!

G. T.

Hello M.,

You are in the dating world and it can be pretty scary! It's not at all like High School used to be. Your Man does have unfinished business and it's pretty uncomfortable.

You have two choices here:
Get to know his x and be understanding.... or
date others while he gets his business together.

After all, you have only been dating 4 months. You are new to the dating scene, so why put yourself into another relationship so quickly? Get out with the girls too. And have a little fun. If boyfriend has business, then he is not ready to focus on you.

Give yourself some respect and play the field.

Blessings, Shell....

What do i know. Divorced as of a few days. I am not ready for dating but if it were me i would dump him and run. He is using you as his crying towel. You really don't need this daily drama; do you? Move on!

M.,
Let me tell you from experience I think you should move on. Im the ex in your story. My husband and I divorced about 1 yr ago also. We still talk from time to time. I have also realized alot of things I wish I would have done differently. I do share these things with my ex. One reason is my hope of getting back together. I want him to see all the things I now see that broke down our marriage due to me. Now there difference with my situation is we have 3 children. You should talk to him and see what he has to say. I know my ex listens to what I have to say because he also has feelings for my still.We do talk about one day getting back together. He does have a girlfriend but that didnt stop him from continuing to be with me. I think my ex also keeps talking to me and sleeping with me just incase his new relationship doesnt work. Im not saying these things to hurt you. I just think you should be aware of what is probably happening. There really is no reason for him to continue to talk to his ex especially if they dont have kids. Be careful

M.
Congratulations for being back on the dating wagon. I am sure it can't be easy. It must be nice though to be able to pick and choose once again what works for you.
It sounds like this guy does have unfinished business with his ex. Peoplein this situation might not necessarily answer you honestly/in your best interest when asked this question as there is much about his agenda that he may not even be aware of. If you re a mom withthe concerns you describe (of getting in too deep before he is resolved with his ex) maybe you should cool it a bit with him/end it for the time being. You are free now to have fun dating anyone you choose - so enjoy it! I believe that getting hurt in a relationship after just having started dating again and when there are kids involved too (on your part I assume?) can be worse than when you are carefree and single. I wish you all the luck in the world.

i'm single and dating too..not divorced..we were together for 4 years..and have a son. OK first of all RULE #1 NO TALKING ABOUT EX's!! that is a huge turnoff..and an ex is an ex..they are to remain in the past..i dated someone that always talked about ex's and it was a turnoff. I would take a step back..become more mysterious..put on your game shoes girl..
be more quiet around him the next few times you guys hang out and when he asks what's wrong just say you have some things on your mind...and that you're just listening... Don't act bitter just be more mysterious...listen to him and be sweet but be mysterious ..then lay it on him that it's say it "oh the whole talking about ex's is sort of ..well a turnoff..i think you're SO sexy but..i don't know ..the ex thing..not into it"
Does this make sense? give him a big compliment while telling him you're not interested in hearing about the ex..also pull away sexually a bit..make him chase u...if he has to start to chase u a bit he will be more interested..anxiety and love are in the same part of the brain..people confuse anxiety with love..he now is stressing the ex a bit..he needs to wonder about you.
the best thing is to be there for him about the ex..but pull away a bit..let him do all the talking..do not sleep with him during this time..and become more interesting and more mysterious than her. It's hard to explain it all..but listen to him ..don't say much just be sweet....be his friend and be coy..make him wonder about you and don't nag him.

M., it's possible he doesn't want to work things out with her. He is just used to her being in his life. Divorce is very difficult. It is very consuming. It is way too soon for you to be dating this man. If te divorce is not final, you should not be dating. It is a learning experience for both you and him, but nothing good will come of this relationship. I suggest you move on. He may bounce from one relationship to another or he may dive head first into a new one, either way, it's not the right place to be. Unless you are not looking for anything to come from the reltaionship. But if you have serious feelings or have the potential for them, you are headed for heartbreak.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

i think your instincts are right. trust yourself! i've been in a similar scenario and i rationalized that it was ok and it turned out to be a nightmare. it's definitely wiser to wait until things are totally clear.

R.

M.

Clearly, he is not finish with his ex-wife; even if he does not recognize that fact, you have. I believe from what you wrote in your request that you are setting yourselve up for failure (heart break) if you continue you association with this man. It is better to be alone, than to settle.

I don't have any experience in this exact situation but I think you right on track with your expectations of him. My only experience in divorce was being the woman who left the man (no children) we had the financial issue to discuss so I kept it at that; our divorce was finalized in a month but we live in Nevada. I knew for myself that the relationship was over and even if he tried to discuss relationship things I told him that it was over and not worth talking about. I hate to feed into your possible paranoia but it seems to me that if he is done with the relationship he shouldn't be engaging in conversation outside of the finances and that should have been handled a long time ago since it's been a year. On the other hand, men don't think like we do so he might just be engaging in order to keep things cordial while working out the financial aspects of the relationship. No matter what the situation is, he should finish up with one relationship before starting another because it gets too complicated and feelings can get hurt. I would recommend telling him that you would prefer to be in a relationship with him after he finishes all the things entailed with the divorce because there is no reason for them to continue the relationship once everything is finalized since they don't have children. In all reality, if it's meant to be it will happen and you don't want to carry on with him and have concerns in the beginning of the relationship that might carry on throughout the relationship later. Best wishes.

I believe you should tell him you cant start a relationship with him until he is finished with the other. Its not fair to you or her. Second, why are you trying to be his best friend? Tell him its annoying that all he talks about is his ex. It seems as though they have unfinished business, so I would be very cautious.

You sound like a sensitive, intelligent woman. You would not have sent this question if you didn't feel that something is amiss. As a grandmother who has some modest life experience, I would strongly suggest to go with your inner voice that is telling you there is emotional peril that is part of this relationship. Your instinct is valid. Tread carefully. You have lots of time and you need to date more people. We all have issues and problems, but there are a lot of wonderful men out there who can and should put a partner first. Good luck!

Sounds like he is not over her yet -- or maybe that is just your perspective. I'd trust your instincts.

Hi M.

I feel your frustration...Im divorced and dating too so I understand what you're going through.
By you reaching out and asking the questions, I think your intuition is telling you something you already know the answer to. Why not continue to date him and open yourself up to date others as well until you feel more assured that he has gone through the process of releasing his ex. It does take time as you must alredy know, and he has only been divorced for 1 year.

I wish you the very best on your dating journey to finding true love again.

J. T
Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist, Master NLP Practitioner
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This situation, is a "nightmare" (your word). No experience with this exact thing (some dude I'm dating obsessed with his ex) but you don't need * this * drama in your life right now. Let him go and let this go. Your instincts are right. You already know the answer.

I'm sorry to hear this. It seems obvious to me that he still wants to work things out with her, maybe hoping she will eventually change her mind. I would be very gaurded if I were you, he does not sound over her yet and you may end up very hurt. It would be best to back off from fully involving yourself with him until his divorce is finalized and he is through with that part of his life. Don't let yourself be used by someone on the rebound.

Run away from this guy... he's not ready for a relationship yet.

To parphrase a proverb: from the contents of the heart come the outpourings of the mouth.

Clearly it is always on his heart and on his mind. He probably edits more than half of when he's thinking about her, you're only getting the parts when he cannot help himslef. Scary hu? I once dated too soon after a breakup and would litterly cry about the other guy and then have to make up an excuse as to why I was crying. I had spend 25% of my life with this boyfriend and everything triggered my memories of that relationship. Everything. That is until I put some time between that break up and the next relationship so I had a life to reference without him in it.

People don't want to hear it, but it doesn't make it less true, it takes time to heal from a broaken relationship. Even if you were the one who ended it! And nothing can spead up the process. You can only delay the process.

There simply needs to be space between relationships. I think two years is usually the minimum after the ending of a long relationship.