27 answers

Divorce Advice

I'm sorry I didn't add that we have talked many, many times and I have purposely made sure I didn't go into the discussions as accusing or pointing fingers. I have been trying and it feels like I'm chasing a goal I can never achieve. Everytime we've talked he accepts no responsibility for anything wrong with our marriage, or home or finances. If I tell him he hurt my feelings or he sees me cry he turns it around on me. He says whatever has happened to make me upset is my fault. He has no idea I want a divorce, but he has told some of our friends he knows I'm not happy. June of this year will be my 11th wedding anniversary. I want a divorce. We have become completely incompatible. We don't have the same goals, drive, thoughts on discipline. The list keeps going. I work fulltime and he is self-employed. He works out of our house but does nothing to help keep the house running. We get along, but we're more like roomates than husband and wife. How do I break this to him? He has no idea. I'm also worried about him wanting to sell the house when we divorce. I'm not willing to do that. Any advice on this one would be appreciated to.

What can I do next?

More Answers

D.! Before you do anything else...get on your knees and pray! Do you know that Jesus Christ can heal your marriage and change your husband? You cannot! Jesus wants to be there for you and you only have to call out for his help. A simple prayer will bring God into your life...He wants to be, not just in part, but the whole of your life. If you are leaning on Him and letting Him guide you, He will take care of you. Have you every read Psalm 32...try it out and see if you pray it for 30 days what miracles will happen in your life. (I'll be praying, too.)
A divorce will NOT help because you have a daughter in the middle of it all. My sis had a similar experience a few years ago and through all his messy stuff she stuck it out and it was a good decision. God will honor you following his ways...if you don't, you're not under His umbrella of protection. (GOD considers marriage a binding commitment even when you divorce, you're still bound emotionally to each other.) Please STOP and think about the future. You'll always have a connection to this man and working on things when you're apart will always be worse than together...a neighbor told me this once.
You also need to turn IN to your husband. He may not know your level of frustration and unhappiness. Be real with him, but you have to take responsibility for yourself, too. It's always a good idea to press in toward your hubby, but without a solid foundation of following JESUS, that will sound/seem CRAZY! (And it's harder without the help of Jesus.)
*Remember marriage is HARD WORK and that doesn't mean planning a wedding.*

1 mom found this helpful

It seems we have a lot in common. I was divorced last Oct. this year would've been 12 years. I have an 18yr. old and a 10 tr. old who absolutely adores his dad. I know what u mean about it being hard to tell him. I told him for months and he ignored me like I was just talking. I tried everything and I cried more than I ever cried in my life the last two years. I didn't get any help either and I moved for my job. That helped me get established while I was unsure but when 2 years had gone by and he had yet to move all of his things I knew it would never happen. Now he claims he made mistakes and I'm all he wants but he never even tried to fix it. Nothing was his fault until now. My 18 yr. old hates him because we are so close and she blames him. I can't repair that relationship if I tried. I make her respect him but that's all I can do. I don't know if this helps but I was never really sure I was ready to do it even after I went to court and was granted my divorce immediately. It shocked me so much that it could be over like that, I think I cried for two weeks. It took him over two weeks to even show his face and he didn't show up to court either. I told him I knew I made no mistake when u didn't even show up to fight for me. I hope all is well and u have a different outcome than I had.

1 mom found this helpful

From what you wrote, why are you concerned with how to break it to him. He seems absolutely unconcerned with anything that is going on around him, since he says everything is your fault. Kick him out on his bum butt and start a life. There is no reason to carry dead weight. He is an adult and should act like one. From what you wrote, you'll have less work and you will definetely be happier. Sit down and make a budget with whta you income is , so you can make sure you can hang on to the house by yourself or start looking for a roommate now.
Good luck with things!!!

1 mom found this helpful

Have you thought about trying marriage counseling? That may be a step to helping your marriage. If you don't want to try that and are positive that it wont help and still want a divorce, then you need to just tell your husband. With him trying to blame everything on you and making you miserable it is because for some reason or other he wants to put you on a guilt trip. When my parents got divorced the court spit the house up where half belonged to my dad and the other half belonged to my mom. If that happens you can ask him to buy his half if you want to stay there. Right now it sounds like a one way street and in order to make things work he has got to start helping out. DO NOT let him continue to put guilt trips on you. Turn the tables on him.

1 mom found this helpful

I know this sounds simple, but once you know that you are incompatible, there is nothing left to argue about. It doesn't matter who did what or who didn't do anything in the marrage. That part is over. The ONLY thing that matters is your daughter. Getting her through it will take both of you and doing it without arguing. My ex and I were alot like roomates and the end. When we talked about divorce, we decided it was not important why each of us was unhappy with the other, the divorce ends that. The only thing we had left to discuss was our boys (we have 2). That was the one thing we both agreed was more important than anything. You can't make it easy for kids, however if both of you are there reassuring her, it will be easier. There is a class that dicorce couples have to take if they have children to help their children cope with the divorce. When my ex and I took the class, we were the only ones there that had been married to each other. I thought that was sad. It seems as if most people fight about "things" when they divorce, and they will do anything to win the prize. Children can get lost in all of it and they are hurting also. "Things" can be replaced, put all of your energy into your daughter. I have been divorced for 7 years, both of us have found other people to spend our life with, but I still raise my boys with their father. This lifestyle only works of course with the cooperation of both of you. Be strong, you will make it through this.

1 mom found this helpful

Since he has no idea, is it really fair to just get the divorce without even trying to work on things?? Perhaps once you tell him how strongly you feel about it, he might be willing to work on this with you. Also, have you tried counselling?

This is s hard time in a marriage...when the kids get older and you feel like your marriage has taken a back burner. But, as my kids get even older and I think about them being out on their own, husband and I have gotten closer. We realize it's gonna be just us again and so we've started dreaming again. I would hate to see you give up on a marriage without trying to make things better.

Just some thing to think about. I wish you the best in whatever you decide.

1 mom found this helpful

Sounds like you are past the point of considering counseling? If that is the case, and you have made up your mind, there is no easy way to tell him. There will never be the "right time" however, be sure not to do it during a fight or argument. Its best to break the news when you are both in your right minds, noone is defensive and you can have a calm, rational discussion about it. (I use some of those terms loosely)

One thing you don't mention is whether he is abusive or not. Some of the behavior that you mention are usually signs of someone who is at least emotionally abusive. I hope this is not the case, however, if it is proceed with some caution. If your husband is a control freak, he probably won't take it well when he finds out that you've taken control by making such a big decision. When they feel the control has been taken away from them they will usually react irrationally in one way or another. So just be prepared to dig in your heels, roll up your sleeves and get busy. (I'm a therapist who specialized in domestic violence)

Best of luck to you. It takes a lot of courage to make this decision. Stay true to yourself and your heart and it will all work out in the end.

D.

1 mom found this helpful

I'm sorry to hear about whats going on in your life. I've been divorced for about 5 yrs, its not an easy thing. It took me along time to decide if divorce was right for my ex and I. Have you thought about counseling? When I finally told my ex about wanting a divorce, I believed it was to late for counseling for us, I don't know if it would have made a difference or not. You have to do what you feel is right for you and your daughter. I have 2 kids, and I didn't want them to see the arguements and fights. There wasn't alot of love in our house and I didn't want them to grow up thinking that this situation was what marriage was.
I hope everything works out for you. Good luck

1 mom found this helpful

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