Divorce Advice - Henefer, UT

My ex and I wrote in our divorce decree what we thought would work (ie he is military and going over seas so he would have them all summer). Since the judge signed off on the decree, we haven't looked at it and don't follow it. He can see the kids whenever he wants. He lives an hours away but if he wants to see them during the week, we make it work. Our original agreement was that he would have them every weekend. That wasn't working so we changed. It is a great situation for everyone. We aren't married but that doesn't mean our kids had to suffer. Keeping it as open as possible will keep the stress off the kids and off of you. Good luck

I think all the advice listed above is great. I would specify exactly when vistation is and that both parents must agree on any changes. My DH does not have any legal custody agreement with his ex and so we only get to see his son on her whim. They have moved to Missouri and we are in Colorado so we foot most the bill for travel too. His ex has a good job and does not really need the child support so she puts directly into an account for their son, which I think is great. She does however tell him that she puts it there and does not mention that the money is from his dad too, which I think is rotten, but oh well.

Good luck, you have some hard times ahead of you, but you will get through them :)

These may sound trivial, as they don't have anything to do with kids & all that super-important stuff, but...

Make sure it's in the papers that you can change your name back. Mine was in the initial papers but then got left out and it *so* ticked me off to be "stuck" with either keeping that name or forking over more money to get it changed. Annoying.

Also, make sure that your names get taken off the paperwork for each other's cars. You'll need that when you want to sell a car, but I'd also suggest it for potential liability in case of an accident.

If you currently own a house together, you can file a quit claim deed to take one of your names off the title. The mortgage will need to be handled separately, but make sure you file the paperwork with the county so you don't have any ownership issues down the line.

Best of luck to you!

Don't get a divorce :)
I know that is not your question so just a few plugs on why not and what to do to reconsider. Read "The 5 Love Launguages" and get councling. If that doesn't work....all divorce decrease can be re-reviewed by any judge and "rewritten" to met each of your needs.
Good luck, J.

Make sure you have a good attorney; it's her/his job to protect your rights. A very very good attorney is Ellen Maycock, of Kruse, Landa, Maycock Firm. You can't possibly think of all the things you need to cover right now. She can. Good Luck! By the way, when I went through a divorce many years ago, and had two small children to take care of, friends and acquaintences would often say something like "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that." The thing was, though, that sentiment didn't fit. By the time you get to the actual divorce stage, it's more of a relief, and even an optimistic time in your life; time to move on and follow a new path. I do wish you all the best in your new life!

Get a lawyer. You and your husband should work hard to be congenial for the sake of your daughters. Get counseling.

Make sure you get a car out of the 'deal'. Isn't it funny that they call it that?

Hi A.,

Where do you live? I'm in the process of a divorce right now, too... and I have 2 girls as well, ages 3 and 3 months. I thought maybe we could meet for a playdate or something and then be able to support each other as we go through this process. Let me know if you're interested...

-A.

I know my own mother regreted not splitting retirement savings, my parents had a very agreeable and amicable divorce and she recieved a good settlement but failed to look at the far future. I am sorry you have to go through this, I hope you and the ex can be a team still for the kids, they will love you for that!
I would also like to reccomend trying to work out as much as you possibly can together if you are both willing. Hiring lawyers gets really expensive really fast so if you can agree together and then have an attorney write it up that is ideal. Our society tends to be advesarial and this is just bad, divorce in painfull enough. Also, as a the wife of a man who was married briefly and had a child with the woman, she did not adhere to any of the agreements in the decree because she knew she could get away with it. Ofcourse she had all of her $ judgments enforced, but we just paid and let it go because we loved the child and put him first and it wasn't worth all the craziness and drama. It sounds like your husband is wllling to work with you so make it simple and do it together for those kids!

I made sure to put in my papers that if my children did not want to go with their dad for visitation I did not have to make them.

You may want to put something in there about religious beliefs if you have any...that they must be fostered in the religion of their birth in order to provide consistancy and a firm foundation. BE SPECIFIC...very,very specific.

You may want to put in there that there should be no negative talk about the other parent or sabotage of parental relationships on either side from the parents or either parent's family.

I put in mine that there will be NO travel outside of the continental US and no crossing state boundaries without consent from the other parent to avoid any parental or familial abductions.

If your children have any specific health considerations you may want to mention that and what needs to be done.

I'm sure there's more, I'll edit this response if I think of any.

OK...make sure YOU keep the house or whoever gets custody to keep the stability for the children--thier lives need to be protected and it isn't fair for EVERYTHING to change for them just one or both of their parents are unreasonable...you know what I mean.

If he's left the home, put in your papers that everything left in the house and on the property stays with you and the girls.

Specify phone call rights.

Absolutely make sure you divide debts and expenses. If you have to put your children in day care; he pays half, if they want to do sports he pays half, etc...

Be sure to be reasonable and fair to both of you. Make sure you don't dig yourself into a hole and don't back him into one either...both things will prove to be a disservice to your children now and in the future.

One thing you may try to put in there is control over their hair and/or appearance. I know of others and have experienced sending my girls to daddy's house having them return with thier beautiful long hair cut (several times) and my daughter's ears pierced. I know of one girl coming home with a tattoo with dad's permission...mom was livid, but without anything on paper in a legal sense there's nothing you can do about it.

If there is ANY way to preserve your marriage, any at all, I'd grab onto that and work it, if at all possible. Once you're divorced, despite all that we try to do to keep control of what's going on in our children's lives, we DON'T and many times we find that what's going on in our little one's lives while with the other parent is WAY worse that what we had to put up with. I don't know if that makes sense but I regret so many of the experiences my children have suffered that they would NOT have been exposed to had I stayed married to him...the life with him wouldn't have been fun BUT the things my children have suffered FAR EXCEED ANYTHING that would've happened had I endured the marriage for a few more years. Granted, I'm thankful for my new husband and our relationship, but the things my children go through are terrible and had I been able to foresee this, I would have waited!!! There is NO power whatsoever now that I'm divorced from their father. It's worked out better for ME, but for them it's hell.

Anyway, good luck.

OH, and you will want to look into the future as they get older how sleep overs, camps, sports, choir, etc..., may interfer with visitation and how you want that to be handled...especially in the summer.

Oh, you may have to refinance your home so that you can get his name off of it and remove any power on his part to interfer with you selling it and claiming half.

I also put in my papers that if either of us need/want to move outside of an 50 mile radius of the home we lived in at the time of our divorce we had to give the other 30 days written notice with an accurate address so the other could adjust and know where our children are.

I think that's about all I can think of...oh, wait, go NOW to put any of you money that may be in a join account into your own private account becuase if you're married to a mean guy he can clean you out without any recourse on your part.

Hugs,

As a stepmother and wife of a divorced guy who had to go through lawyers and a headache, I would recommend the following:
1. Visitation rights whether he lives far or away. One of you might have to move and it is a pain to revisit that.
2. Child support based ONLY on his income. These are his children, you should not be going after the new person's income.
3. Holiday visits. Everyone wants to spend them together. What has worked for us is the even numbered years of Christmas, etc.
4. Doctor bills, school needs, extra curricular activities, etc..... (Does he pay half? )
5. Who claims all or one of the children on taxes?
6. Plane tickets (if you move? ) Does he pay one way and you pay the other, or does he pay round-trip?

Hope this helps.These are just off the top of my head.

My advice to you would be consider clear outlines rules for visitation and issues that take care of the children, ie. medical, dental, orthodontics, activities, etc. It is much easier for everyone if there are clearly defined "rules" for everyone to live by. That way routine can settle in and everyone know what to expect. Obviously there will be times you have to negotiate for special occasions, but the definition in the initial decree make this much easier. Also remember that as kids grow so do their needs and you may have to give those outline rules a "tune up" as the kids get older. My only only other piece of advice is to remember that the divorce is between the adults not the children. My daughter didn't know her parents were "divorced" until she was in 4th grade, her parents separated when she was 18 months old. We made every effort to keep the focus on what was best for her, especially when it meant not discussing grown up issues in front of or around the children. There is light at the end of the tunnel: My step daughter, who we have has raised in our home, is getting married in 3 weeks, and all of her parents are excited to be there to celebrate her day.

My mother divorced my father (she was the nasty one). It never occurred to her to get part of his retirement benefits. (They were 40-ish at the time.) When they were of retirement age, Dad got $392,000 from various company benefits (which he'd also saved towards), and mom didn't get a dime, because she didn't save or plan well.

So it's a consideration, in case it applies to you.

I'll second the advice about sharing costs for school fees, sports, special activities, driving school and uncovered medical expenses. Make sure you have options in place in case you can't agree on paying of extras, if one of you ends up unemployed the kids shouldn't be left out of things the other parent is willing to pay for.
You should each have a term life policy and a will with the kids as beneficiaries so that if one of you dies the kids are still provided for. The policies should be set up so that the other parent is notified if it is cancelled.

A.,

Looks like you are mostly wanting legal advice.

If you ever want some emotional support,
I would love to assist you in this time of transition.

With Joy, C.
(Life Transition Coach)
Loving Connections LLC

I know this is a little late...........One thing my mom wish she would have put in the custody/support papers is college tuition, auto insurance until age 18, possibly car payments. But mostly college tuition books, lodging, health insurance while in school, etc. Best of luck to you!

First off, I'm sorry you have to experience this. It is painful and liberating all at the same time. Good luck!

In addition to the things I saw mentioned, my darling cousin had an attorney who also included a clause that gave her 20% of any future raises he would get (he has the potential to really make the bucks). I hadn't heard of this before, and I thought it was great because you need raises too!

In some states parents are not allowed to move more than a certain distance away, as this creates undue hardship for visitations. Colorado does NOT have restrictions of this kind. My brother in law got a divorce. Things were fine while his ex-wife lived near him, but then she got remaried and moved five hours away. Suddenly he had to spend all day Friday and all day Sunday travelling to get his kids, so he only got to see them for one day out of his "weekend." He finally quit his job and moved to be closer to them. So you might think about including a restriction on how far away you guys can move from each other, at least until the kids are grown.

Best of luck,
S.

A.,
With my divorce I made sure that I got full phsyical custody with her dad having visitation. We have joint legal custody which means that we can both make decisions for her. Also get holidays, birthday, and vacations planned out it makes life so much easier when they come up. Make sure you are clear on who gets to claim the kids on your taxes, so you both are not claiming them. Just get in writing child support and don't forget about medical, dental, sports, school activities,etc. They start to add up and get more expensive as your children get older. You can also get wage adjustments through the years to adjust child support. Most importantly try and get along with your ex as hard as it can be, it is best for the children. I learned this the hard way and now that my ex and I get along it is much better on my daughter, sometimes you just have to swallow your pride and do what is best for your kids. I hope this helps and best of luck to you in this hard time.

Make sure to look at all mutual debts.... I mean down to the last credit card. Divide them and be careful that anything that carries your name gets paid. It has been nearly seven years since my divorce.... but I'm still paying his credit cards because they have my name on them! They will come back to bite you if you don't take precautions. Make sure the agreements for paying on them are in the divorce paperwork! Yikes I know. Good luck during this painful and hard time.

I think everybody covered the highlights, but I'm going to stress a few-I'm married to a divorced dad & his ex makes our lives H*** (two sisters are divorced & their exes are very lucky cuz I had input into what my sisters got in the divorce & helped them make it more fair for dad).
*medical bills-if he's covering the insurance, you pay the copay, what insurance doesn't cover for meds, you split the expensive stuff 50/50 (ER visits, braces, hospital stays, etc)
*driving time & money-we pay for each & every trip & we're the only ones doing the driving to get his kids from ID (we're in CO). She's paid $150 of the over $3000 in the past 4 years we've spent on traveling. Each pay half of plane tickets/gas money, or meet halfway to exchange.
*sports & extra activities-each pay half, with something that says if you don't both agree on the activity (you can't afford to pay half for a camp 3 states away that dad wants them to go to), the one who wants it will cover the cost & fees
*clothes-believe it or not, I've not seen MOST of the clothes, several outfits, I've bought his older boys for holidays & we see them every other weekend. They show up in too-small, hole-filled clothes, missing socks or underwear... for extra stuff like school clothes, split the cost of reasonably-priced clothes (Target, Walmart, JC Penney's, etc).
*(learned this from my sis)her ex is nasty about letting the stuff he buys go to her house-"you have to keep it here, it's just to use at my house" is what they hear most often. Don't buy 2 of everything, try to split that cost too (depending on what he pays for child support) & carry it back & forth
*visits-both of you need to let the other parent know if you're leaving the state for vacations & give contact info for emergencies
I'll think of more & edit too

If you have a lawyer they should be sure to set up all of it but be sure to be clear on child support and the tax implications. Set up visitation in as much detail as seems reasonable, in a couple years things may change and you want to have paperwork backing up your understanding of what is supposed to be how it works.

It would be best if you can work all of this out with the soon to be ex, you will have to deal with him for a long time and it needs to be as painless as possible. Getting input from others in the situation is an excellent way to start. Good luck

You have gotten lots of great advice. The other thing I had to consider in my divorce decree was my concerns about his alcohol, drugs, and illegal activities. You may not have that concern but I included a clause in the visitation portion of my decree that said that if I have proof or suspicion of any of these things occuring, or any other thing that could be physically, emotionally, or developementally hurtful to the kids, I can suspend visitation. You may not have to worry about those circumstancesJust account for all possible scenerios. I actually did my papers online through an online court assistance program available on our state courts web site. I just answered a bunch of questions and then it created my papers for me. It was pretty thorough. Do make sure to get all debts and mutual property situated. Plan for the future and expect things to change so plan for that as well. Take everyone's advice and you should get a pretty good result in your decree.

be very clear what child support covers and what is extra to be shared equally.... sports fees, school registration, college, schhool supplies, extracurricular activities, email me privately for more detail ____@____.com good luck

Hi A.

Well when I got divorced 9 years ago I just used the state forms and didn't add anything extra cause I didn't think about it long term as my daughter was only 8 months old when my husband left. So my advice is to ask around like you have done and think about the future for example although we discussed private school we never discussed extracurricular so there is nothing in our agreement about that. Also since he left us and was not interested in our daughter I filled everything out with me having final say, me having all decision making and so on so that has worked out great except in one spot I didn't read carefully enough (being only 21) that it states we will mediate before I incur any additional extraordinary medical expense if I want him to help pay. So now that my daughter is almost 10 he has decided he doesn't like the agreement and paying and wants to stir things up so now I have to go to mediation every time some extraordinary comes up. Like I want to sit in a room with him on that, braces, counseling, you name it he wont agree to pay so we wind up battling in mediation. So when you fill it out read and re read and make sure it all is inclusive. Also in the medical reimbursements we put we would split it 50/50 but never included a day these things needed to be reimbursed by so I wait years on some things. REcently we went to court and the judge ruled he needs to pay them back within 30 days -which is what I gave him but now he has to compile. Also even if you guys get a long great now and agree on everything dont be lax cause you never know when they will change their minds. Another good one I included was that we alternate claiming the children each tax year however he has to be current on child support to do so. If he is not current he cannot claim her and get the tax benefits. Another big one in our situation is private school if you discussed and want your children to attend it needs to be in there for the courts to enforce he pay. So just think about all situations now related to the children's needs and age and then think about the next year, activities, overnights, vacations, college and include all of those things. It is better for it to be overdone then not, because then to much can be left to the imagination or his interpretation or the courts and that is where the battles start. Keep the best interest of the children first always and not yourself or husband and you guys cant go wrong. Good luck through this difficult time.

If you have a pension from work make sure you put yours are yours and his are his. Also divide any bills you have. And that you are responsible for your portion and he is responsible for his portion.

The only advice I give you is this put in the decree when and where he can talk too the kids, what days snd times etc. My kids were 6 and 3 and I never thought it would be an issue but it sure is 2 years later now that we are both remarried. Also I strongly suggest for your own benefit that you get a name change, back to your maiden name. Best of luck to you and your two little ones!!!!!!

Get an EXCELLENT family law attorney. The issue of 5280 with the dogs on the cover had a listing of top attorney's in CO - with a section for family law. I bet you could get it on-line, too.

Good luck!