Divorce - Odessa,TX

I have a different view than many on this, being the child in a similar situation I would say for the sake of the child don't make this a big deal. Hide your true feelings about this woman and see how your daughter handles meeting her. 6 months is a guideline for parents but honestly as a five year old who met the other woman I can't even remember how many days, months or weeks passed before my Dad introduced her to us and frankly I don't care now.

What I can tell you is the right now you hurt and are in pain and you need to heal from that so get some professional help for you and your daughter's sake. It may seem like the "other" woman is awful right now and she may or may not be...time will tell. However your resentment of her will only hurt you and your daughter--remember this is her father not her ex-husband so he means something different to her and your pain is not the same as hers.

It's 28 years later now for me and I love my mom and my step-mom (the other woman) very much and am extremely happy to have them both in my life because they fill different roles and needs for me. However my mom never figured out how to heal and her snide comments have strained our relationship because what happened between her and my dad is between them...not me. Besides both of my parents are much happier now that they were when they were together. It's not right what they did but good people make mistakes. The only person you can control is yourself so good luck and I am sorry for your pain.

5 moms found this helpful

I'm sad that your family is experiencing this. At this point it is better to find a resolution that causes the least pain to your daughter, than laying blame. Your daughter could benefit from counseling. Explain to your husband that you don't believe it is a good idea for your daughter to have one more thing added to her life as she is trying to adjust to not living with her father, but you would like to seek the advice of a professional (not your friends or family members, not his friends or family members, not the wise mothers on mamapedia). Ask your husband if he will agree to counseling for your daughter so the counselor can recommend a good time for her to meet new people based on your daughter's needs. This shouldn't be viewed as a stall technique. Both you and your husband should work toward getting immediate help for your daughter. Also make sure he understands that you are asking for a hold on introducing new people to your daughter for both of you, not just him. This way he may not feel that you are making up rules for him that you don't plan on abiding by.

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Oh dear. What a tough time you're going through. I'm so sorry. I haven't read the other posts yet, but I'm sure many will sound like me. First of all, you seem concerned about what your ex thinks of your response. One of the upsides of getting out of the relationship for you is that you don't need to worry about that any more! It is a hard habit to break, but pleasing him is no longer high on your priority list. I admire you for being very moderate in the way you talk about him, but he has still done some pretty awful stuff. He sounds extremely self centered, and much more concerned with his own feelings than your daughter's . Absolutely he should not bring your daughter into his relationship for at least 6 months. Your primary focus has to be on your child now, and this is what is best for her. Chances are the new woman will be long gone in 6 months at any rate. If not, and their relationship is stable, you can re-evaluate then. Talk to a lawyer, your pastor, a counselor. Get backup if you need to, but don't let him bring this woman into your child's life now.

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Hello this is what you can do I am a paralegal in El Paso and have worked in the family law field for over 10 years. If you have already started the divorce proceedings request a temporary orders hearing with a temporary restraining order. The restraining orders DOES NOT restrian him from you or your daughter but it does restrain him from having a NON RELATIVE spend the night while your daughter is with him and does restrain him from forcing a relationship between him and this woman. If you have any questions please send me a message anytime. Take Care. and Good Luck C.

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I feel so badly for what you are going through. Your ex-husband is being very self-centered. Does your daughter want to meet this woman? I would just tell him that she's not ready and she's already had a lot of anxiety over school starting, the divorce and now this. Your primary concern (and his) should be your daughter's well being. Maybe you can give him a date when it's more appropriate (like during Christmas break, or something....assuming she's up for it). Divorce is very hard on a child (I was one of them). This is not on topic, but for whatever it's worth, you might talk to him down the road and tell him that no matter what, you should both agree never to bad mouth one another in front of your daughter. ...as hard as that is going to be. It's a guaranteed way to destroy her, I promise! Good luck to you! You will find happiness down the road, as long as you are willing to make that happen for yourself!

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I do no tagree that you should have the final say on any of that. Whether it's a wise decision or not is not the point. He has just as much right to parent his child through trial and error as you do. As long as you don't see any current negative effects on your daughter, you should keep your personal feelings out of it and let her be parented by her father. Sorry, because I know that that's hard to do and that it does not make sense to you. You really should remove your personal hurt from the situation, though. I totally disagree with the mothers who dictate when the father may introduce the child to another person. There is no way that they would let that father dictate the same to them. He doesn't want you anymore. It hurts, but don't take it out on your daughter and don't use her to hurt him. That is plain wrong, even if you do feel justified and call yourself doing it for the sake of the child. Admit to yourself that it's for your well-being that you are wanting to prolong this part of being apart. Whatever happened to cause your marriage to go downhill (probably both of you over time, not just him) has nothing to do with your daughter, so do not include her in your manipulation. Get some therapy so you can work on moving forward. His timing of moving on is not your call, so don't try to control it. Just hurt over in your corner and get some constructive and productive help dealing with it, and let her enjoy her father.

1 mom found this helpful

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I don't know where you read that you need to wait 6 mos. They shouldn't meet them at all unless they are married and it appears that they won't be another loss in the child's life.

You are going through a lot, but your daughter also had her world torn apart. The less either of you does to make that worse, the better off she will be. After a divorce, the best advice I have ever heard is to wait until the children are up and out of the house before ever dating. The focus needs to be on them.

Of course your ex has only his own happiness and desires that he cares about right now. So don't try to understand why he does what he does. Keep him out of your mind as much as possible. Don't criticize him or get into a long conversation with him about it. Just keep reminding him that it is not in your daughter's best interest. Every time you get frustrated, sad, etc. just go hug your daughter. Go do something fun with her. She needs to know that, no matter what her dad does or doesn't do, you will always put her #1 in your life. That is the security she desperately will need.

This is coming from someone who experienced exactly what your daughter is experiencing at almost the exact same age! My mom didn't date until I was off to college. I have so much respect for her and all the sacrifices she has made for us kids. She made our difficult lives more bearable because her priorities were never in question.

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In my opinion, this is too soon for either of you to introduce your daughter to someone new. Your daughter is too young to understand the logistics of a divorce...all she knows right now is that her family has been torn apart and Mom & Dad are no longer together. Your daughter's interest and what's best for her in helping her to cope during this time needs to be the main focus along with lots of love.

Good luck!

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Of course HE'S happy - he's in the flush of new love. What an insensitive idiot. No, she shouldn't meet the girlfriend. Until it is a LONG TERM relationship - 9 month to a year - the other woman should not be part of the equation between him and his daughter. I feel for you...Your instincts are right on. Regarding the 6 months...it's one thing for parents to divorce and then begin dating and then wait 6 months. It's another to cheat on your wife, ask for a divorce and then wait six months (by which time the divorce will not even be final) and allow him to incorporate your daughter into a relationship with another woman. If he was so concerned about his daughter maybe he should have avoided a relationship when he wasn't available.

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Take your daughter to a counselor or go to the one at her school. Ask for advice on the situaiton. Does she know about this woman? Just telling her is really the first step, and I would want professional help to do that. Perhaps if a therapist calls him and discuses how your daughter is feeling and at least offers to help, it might be done in a more sensitive way.

By the way, he is a jerk. And wanting to rush this to satisfy his own needs to seem like a family man is selfish and really jerky. You are right to be skeptical. But unfortunately as her parent, he can do it whenever he wants, so I would exert as much control over HOW it happens, if you cannot control WHEN.

I also think counseling will help you get your own story in place for your daughter. I don't suggest you bash dad - that will only make her feel bad. But you need to in some way commuicate to her that men don't/shouldn't leave in this fashion. If not now, then in the future - she shouldn't be allowed to view the world with the expectation that marriage is temporary and you just move on to someone else whenever you want. I don't know how to do that without bashing dad, but I am guessing a therapist could help.

Do you have visitaiton etc.l in place? I don't know if you could ask a judge to order family counseling for him and his daughter as a prerequisite to visitation? Seems unlikely, but your lawyer would know.

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I would do just as claudia said. But I would also be fair not because he deserves it but in the interest of keeping the peace. If your ex ends up staying with this woman you guys are going to have to be civil. Here's what I would
Do as a compromise. I would tell him that you have a standing court order that is temporary that sYs that your girlfriend may not be around when you have visitation. Here's what I am willing to do. I am willing to next month on whatever preset date meet you and your girlfriend for coffee a beer whatever. Then I would meet her under a different circumstance the next month. Then the next step would be talking to your daughter. Tell her you have met this woman she seems kinda nice, goofy whatever and ask her how she feels that her dad is dating. Then ask her if she even wants to meet her. Leave it up to her. As long as this woman is kind, safe and will treat your daughter with respect it may be time for a hour visit at a local park. Then maybe let them take her out to dinner alone with a strict 2 or 3 hour limit. Keeping things friendly is the best advice, be fair and be civil. Hood luck let us know what happenned.

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My answer may not be good but it sounds like he had her on the side line while living with you. This is not a good message to be sending to your daughter no matter what her age. If you are still married this is also going to confuse her he is daddy and she is not mommy you are, when are you going to come home will also come into the act with her. No this is not a good idea for her do deal with at this time. he should use his hear the one on top for a change...

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Well, when I went through divorce, my lawyers first thing was that I needed to take a parenting course. She said that it was required. I took it online and one of the things it talks about is not introducing a new girlfriend/boyfriend within the first 6 months. It's not fair to anyone.

Needless to say, my ex-husband didn't take the course before deciding to introduce his new girlfriend to our kids. It was not easy for our kids to accept her and it started all kinds of problems. If he had just waited, it could have been a lot easier.

Now, almost a year later, everyone is just now beginning to get along.

I had to have my lawyer make it a stipulation in the mediation agreement that he had to take the course. After that, he finally understood why he shouldn't have done that. But it took someone else to bring it up to him. He's not going to listen to you - so you need to find a neutral person to help him to see that he needs to put it off just a little while longer. It's not for you, it's for your child.

Good luck!

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Since this is all so fresh it seems unfair to your daughter to push this relationship on her. I think I would come to an agreement with your husband about new relationships. Either you need to wait a certain amount of time, to ensure that this is a serious relationship and won't be parading a line of boy/girlfriends through your daughter's life, or wait until there is an engagement. Kids that age don't understand dating and could easily get attached to someone that will only be there for a couple of weeks.

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As far as I am concerned, he left you for someone else, so he does not get to dictate when you and your daughter "accept" a new woman in his life. Granted, there is a time to let go and move on, but obviously you are way more hurt about this than him and everyone processes things differently.

Tell him how you feel and don't worry about how he responds - speak your mind and stand your ground. However, you can't control his behavior when he does have your daughter with him and you are not around, so your daughter may end up meeting this woman anyway against your wishes. How is your daughter handling all this? Have you considered any kind of counseling or therapy for you and/or her to help you both learn how to deal with everything?

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You are completely right that (a) if your husband's relationship with this woman is relatively new or your separation is relatively new, he should hold off for a while before introducing her to your daughter, and (b) your ex sounds like he is being insensitive. But, practically speaking, your ex is probably going to introduce your daughter to his girlfriend whether you like it or not, or whether or not it is in your daughter's best interest to do. If your ex is so gungho on doing this (I doubt you can get a court order prohibiting him from doing so but talk to your attorney about it), I would suggest talking to your daughter about the situation beforehand and try to do so in the most positive way positive -- which, in this case, may be neutral -- so that she understands some of what's going on and doesn't feel as if she is being manipulated. It sucks that your husband decided to leave and move on with his life like this and expects you and your daughter to follow along without a qualm but things like this do happen a lot. Believe me, if this is the type of person he is, you really are better off without him.

However you decide to handle this, I wish you and your daughter the best and that you can find comfort and healing soon.

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Duarice, I'm so sorry you are going thru this. I've been in your shoes and it stinks. Do as a previous poster suggested. Get the order so he can not take your child around the other woman. I was advised to do this and I didn't do it and really regret it. My son is the same age as yours and he doesn't understand. He has now been around 4 of daddy's girlfriends that he has moved in with, which is not sending a great message to our child. Also go to marriagebuilders.com. There is tons of information on there that will help you to get thru this really tough time. I wish you nothing but the best.

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Heck no. No, no, no. She could be anything and everything wrong for your child. You don't know. Not only six months but you should know her story as posed by him. You should meet her too. You would want to meet anyone else that she might be spending the night with and be around a lot. She has one big strike against her, she dated a married man AND with children. So much for her morals. My prenup attorney actually recommended that I meet my fiance's ex-wife and ask what happened. Ask his family too. Turns out, his kids seemed to make sure that I knew he had a kind of spending problem. I guess they liked me enough that they wanted me to know. I already knew and he cut way back. We don't mingle our money but I'm in a position to not be dependent on him that way. So as long as he contributes regularly to his share of expenses, he can spend foolishly but I will kid him and say: Those stack of magazines could have paid your way to Europe. Why don't you get a subscription for a few of them for six months and then switch to another set of three.

I just wanted to give my experience on this. I watched my friend (single mom) date (the father of her daughter had never been in the picture). This one guy lasted about 2 or 3 months I think, and she was the type to introduce him right away. Well long story short, she found out he was married and all this BS, and he made threats to her. The sickest part...he made threats and lude comments regarding her young daughter (who I was and am very close to) who was 4.
I kept thinking if I or the grandma hadn't been around so much what could this guy have done. yuck yuck yuck. Anyways my point is, how would your ex feel if you started bringing over a new guy around his 7 year old daughter? Would he approve? If he would approve of it you two need to seriously talk about it.
I would say sit down with your ex and have a talk with him. Tell him you're not trying to be difficult, and your pain aside, you don't think it's a good idea for your daughter's sake. Maybe you two can agree on the 6 month rule. Maybe if you bluntly tell him you are in no way trying to get back with him, and you are happy that he has moved on and is happy (little white lie), he will focus on the issue with your daughter.
I learned through my divorce if I told him that our conversations were in no way a "ploy" to get him back he was easier to talk to. I know it doesn't work with everyone though. Im sorry you're having to go through this, hang in there.

Hi D.. You are absolutely right that your daughter should not be introduced to someone new for at least 6 months. What makes your ex think that she will be around for him in 6 months? I would also get an attorney and make sure that you get custody. Makes decision making so much easier. Sorry to hear that you are going through this.

L.

I hear ya girl! i was 25 weeks prego when my husband said he wanted a divorce! He has been dating the same woman since but claims she wasnt around before! Yeah fricking right! Cause all men divorce the pregnant mother of his 3 kids and move on like that! It is very tough and so hard to deal with! I was an emotional wreck and still am and its been 6 months. It is so hard to know that while I sit here and type this they are proly laying in my bed together at their new apt! I would definitely not let her meet this woman, she is going through so much right now and it will only confuse and upset her. My girls are 5 and 6(7 in 2 weeks) and it has been 6 months and I have told them we are not getting back together but they ask me all the time when we are going home to daddy. He needs to at least wait until the divorce has been finalized. I know here in MI you can put a 3rd party order on your divorce so neither you or your husband can bring anyone around the kids until the divorce is done. I agree though, I dont know how he can do this either. My husband has seen our daughters twice in 6 months and has never met his son. I dont understand why some people act the way they do. Just hang in there honey and be strong, I know its hard but your daughter needs you to be strong for her. One thing I have learned over the last few months is I have to stop worrying about how my husband is gonna feel or how he is gonna think about something. You have to protect your daughter and clearly he isnt going to. If he tells you to get on with your life just so I plan on it, but she still isnt going to meet your girlfriend. Talk to your lawyer, the judges here in MI dont like 3rd parties involved and they will stop it. Good luck!

Try having your Ex read this:

http://life.familyeducation.com/divorce/dating/29599.html

didn't help with MY ex, but there's always a chance...

Also, when you file you could request a morality agreement, this states that neither parent can have non-related overnight guests in the presence of the children. My ex had his boyfriend living with him (and the kids, when he had them) a few (almost 2) months after we split...of course this was AFTER making a huge deal about how *I* was not allowed to have any friends (male or female) anywhere near the children, lol! I think he was having trouble with not having the control anymore-I had, and have, no intention of getting anywhere near a relationship any time soon!

I do not have a morality agreement in my custody papers because by the time our divorce was final, the kids were already attached to the ex's boyfriend and had been for almost a year, plus they lived together and when things don't go well with the ex and his bf, the ex thought I should provide him with a place to stay...I didn't want to legally force him to have 'no other place to go', and therefore NOT be able to have the kids OR attempt to make me feel guilty enough to let him stay with me.

Good luck to you! I know this can be extremely frustrating

With my ex I had it put in the papers we drew up that he could not have anyone around the children I did not OK. If he was seeing some one that person had to leave the home when it was time for the kids to come visit. He did not like it but signed any way. I had to meet everyone first with out the kids around. He went out to stop seeing the kids and has moved another lady and her kids into the home now. He would fuss because I some what dated and the kids meet them but this was after I went and had their backgrounds looked at,lol. Helps to have some friends in the right places.
On a side note my thought is if she knew he was married and went after him what is there to stop her from moving on again when she gets bored? If they will cheat with you they will cheat on you. I pray you can get all this worked out to where it makes you happier. Hang in there. M.