M.R. asks from San Clemente, CA on May 28, 2008
Divorce - San Clemente,CA
I am newly separated from my husband and spoke with a mediator today to discuss starting a divorce. I am 30 my husband is 29 and our son is 18 months. My husband has been distant and angry for about the past 6 months. Over the past 2 months he has been telling me he never loved me and I ruined his life by marrying him. the house has been so filled with tension and when he stopped talking to me for 3 weeks, threw his wedding ring and told me he hated me and to "let him go". I left. He has been short when we talk and blames me for ruining his life. We have been together 12 years and married almost 5. I am sad and aware that many men go through this however he is acting so mean I do not feel it is appropriate to stay in the same home. Does any one have any advice or things they learned as far as child support, custody and getting back in my home. The mediator today said that we should try to work things out. When I spoke with my husband he said "you picked wrong...let me go". He is in my house and I have no access to our money. I have been staying with family for 2 weeks. I am I wrong to start the process of mediation? I feel like I have no other choice. I would love any support, advice or thoughts on my situation. thank you, sorry this is so long.
B.B. answers from Los Angeles on May 29, 2008
Hi there. I went through a lot of the same thing. PLease feel free to call me any time to talk
Take care, B.
J.A. answers from Los Angeles on May 29, 2008
Awww honey I'm sorry all this is happening. Does he want to try counseling or anything? I don't think you were wrong for starting mediation. I would suggest looking for a good divorce lawyer even if just for a consultation. You can get temporary child support set up and possibly support for you. I know that's probably what you don't want to hear but I thought my ex and I could work things out together. He ended up getting an attorney. Next thing I knew I was forced out of the house. Forced to pay him 1/2 of the expenses he covered (house payments, electric, etc. while seperated). We also went to mediation w/o his attorney. Talked about custody matters and agreed. Then we went to court and everything he agreed to she (attorney) changed and he was back to wanting full custody. It's just been a nightmare and I wish I would have retained an attorney first. I believed the main interest was our children but everything turned into a money war. Hang in there. It sounds like you have good family support if your staying there.
1 mom found this helpful
Y.A. answers from Visalia on May 29, 2008
I'm really sorry you're going through this, as everyone else is too.
Now I'm going to give you some hard advice. Get back into your house NOW. If he doesn't like it, then he can leave. If there's money in the bank, take half of it. Your child needs a home and food.
You're in California, so it makes it easier on me to advise you.
You say that your husband is "angry". Has he verbally or physically threatened you in any way? Has he made you feel as if you are in any type of danger? If so, file a restraining order IMMEDIATELY. The paper is easy to file, you can ask that he be removed from the home and must stay away from the home, you, and your child until the divorce is settled.
Pick up divorce papers. You can file them quite immediately at no cost to you. Ask for interim child support and spousal support until the divorce is filed. (Sorry hun, sounds like that's where you're heading, unless your filing gives him a wake up call slap in the face.)
Unfortunately Orange county doesn't have the best family law facilitators, but there is some help available to you. They do offer classes through the court system to help you prepare your papers. Here is the link to the website...
Please feel free to contact me privately if you have further questions.
1 mom found this helpful
E.B. answers from San Luis Obispo on May 29, 2008
First, my heart goes out to you. There is more there than your husband is telling you. Don't take the blame, it takes two to tango. You didn't get into this relationship by yourself, or have a child by yourself.
Next, get legal advice. If the home is yours, you need to get back in the home. Your husband could claim abandonment because you left. You may be able to get him out of the house very quickly. If that is what you want. The sooner you get back in the home the better. Unless you are afraid he will hurt you or the baby. If so, get legal advice and a restraining order. Your husband will have to pay for you and your child's care. An attorney can help you set this up right away. You can receive money from him during a legal separation, or during a separation. I don't know which state you live in, so the stipulations can be a little different. But do make the call for legal assistance.
Then, you can take your time and decide if divorce is the way you want to proceed. A 12 year relationship needs to be weighed. Your child's welfare and your's as well need to be taken care of in the meantime. I will lift you up in prayer at this time.
1 mom found this helpful
L.G. answers from Los Angeles on May 29, 2008
I am sorry that you are going threw this.. But their is hope and don't give up on hope. Believe me I've been threw this and my children are 23, 18 and 9 yrs old so life goes on and your child will be fine.. You should be in your own home and this man that has you out isn't a man at all that's bad.... But, I will keep you in our prayer's and hope that you are guided in the right way. But, the judge is going to look at why you are out of your own house and you have no access to money to survive so you are looking good when the law comes into play here.. So, don't give up say your prayers and you will be surprise what will happen? God Bless You and you and your son...
T.K. answers from Honolulu on May 29, 2008
I have no real advice but I am so sorry for the pain that you must be going through. It sounds as if something has happend in your husband's life that he doesn't know how to deal with, your husband needs help but if he won't accept it you do need to make sure that you and your son are in an environment that is safe. Do seek out those that can help you with good, relevant emotional and legal advice.
Take care, best of luck
W.A. answers from Los Angeles on May 29, 2008
Hope my email finds you in good health.
I know right now, everything seems so dark heavy and confusing. But there is only onw question you should ask yourself. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who can so easily tell you that you ruined his life by marrying him?
My dear, life is full of obsticles and this is yours. You and only you know the answer and the action you need to take next. Looking ahead to help and options you have to support you and your child is the right thing to do. I understand you love your husband and don't want to do anything legally that might make him mad or even financially be hard for him. Remember your child's well-being should always be yours and your husband's best interest.
Life can only get better, beleive me.
I was married for 10yrs, i have a son who is now 13yrs old with cerebral palsy. Leaving my ex-husband was someting i was so afraid of. I though i would never make it on my own, but after 3yrs i know it was the best thing i have ever done for myself. I have a new man in my life, who shows me every day what true love and caring is all about.
When your all alone and you think to yourself, this is it. Remind yourself it is not. You have a child to teach and grow with, and beleive me life still has more lessons to teach you. When you have accomplish this path in your life, you will see your stronger, tougher and wiser than before..... stay strong, pick up your head and be happy that you still have more to see, experience and live for.....
B.B. answers from Los Angeles on June 09, 2008
Honey I am soooo very sorry you are going through this. You are not alone.
I agree it does sound like he is being truthfully honest with you. Something happened. He also doesnt seem to be taking any responsibility for marrying you. You are not the only one who agreed to be married.
But that is besides the point.
If it is your house, as in you bought it and only your name is on the title, then you need to speak with a police officer and ask them what you should do about getting him out. I would have recommended you not leave your house under any curcumstances because usually whoever leaves doesnt get to come back. But I will be praying for you.
I would suggest you come up with a plan and then present it to your husband. On paper of course. If you can work this out without getting the courts involved the better it will be for your son. Your son also needs his father, so through out this whole thing if you remember one thing PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE remember that. No matter what an butt he is, as long as he is not neglecting or abusing that precious boy he needs to know his Daddy for who he is.
I have been through a very nasty divorce and still 6 yrs later reap the anger from my ex so honey if you need anything I am here. YOu can privately email and I will give you my number and we can talk... whenever you need.
You are in my prayers,
C.C. answers from Visalia on May 29, 2008
your husband already divorced you emotionally and i assume physically months before. what you need is a court order 'move out', since ur homeless and ur baby, most likely the judge could grant you the house to live till everything is settled.
you don't have access to your money? no atm? you truely need to see a divorce lawyer and explain ur situation. i do believe its a free hour. good luck!!