Divorce - Clearlake,WA

Husband moved out 2 months ago. Couldn't be happier. I feel RELIEVED and like this huge weight is lifted. He's a great guy, but has his own demons to deal with and since he hasn't helped himself, I can't help him. I feel free. I feel back to my old self. I feel NORMAL. I have my self esteem and self worth back. I sleep better, eat better... really, it's been great. I pat myself on the back for not having stayed in it longer. I feel peaceful knowing I did everything in my power to make it work.

My kids are great. They still get to see their dad and talk to him on the phone. They know there is no more yelling or fighting and that mom is happier, therefore everyone is happier. I spoke with the girls guidance counselor and teachers at school so everyone's on the same page. I'm not alone in supporting my children. Nothing has changed in regards to routine. I never ever speak badly of my husband to the children. I answer their questions honestly without being mean or ugly.

If anything, since there's only 'mom' at home now, the kids have had to help out a little more around the house, but other than all positive things, nothing has changed... and POSITIVE change is GOOD :)

For 18 years I tried and tried. Okay not true the first ten were not the best but not bad but the last six were twenty levels of hell.

He went after the kids and it went downhill fast.

I am much happier even though it was 100 times harder. I had to work full time, go to school beyond full time and keep trying to be there for my kids. I am lucky that my older two were 16 and 18 when I divorced. If they hadn't helped me there is just no way I could have done it without messing up the younger two for life. Then again I would have just accepted a lower lifestyle and moved on, kids are worth a lot more than money, ya know?

So far as the kids go they know life is better with us divorced. I think they wish we could get along better so they don't have so much stress when we are around each other. I think my younger two wish their dad could be more like my husband.

I left my first husband and can't imagine leaving my second.

I am happier and treated better than I ever thought I could be.

I don't wish I tried harder because you can't make someone not hit you no matter how hard you try.

Life is significantly better, although when I first left it was really, really hard.

I had one child under two and was pregnant with my second son. After being sexually assaulted in front of my son by his father, my only thought was "my son is learning how to hurt women from his father's example and the other might not even make it out of the womb if I don't leave soon." So I gathered myself together and took my son by the hand, told his dad I was taking him outside to play, and litterally walked away from our apartment and my marriage with nothing but the clothes on my back, not even my ID. I have never been so scared in my life. I went to a neighbor's house and got a ride to the battered women's shelter.

It was hard to be a single parent, it was hard having a baby in the hospital under an assumed name so his father couldn't find me, it was hard choosing between milk and medicine sometimes. Something was hard nearly all of the time. Except for one thing...not being hit, hurt, demeaned or degraded. That was always super easy and made all the hard stuff worth every minute.

It affected my kids in that they missed having a dad that was consistent in their lives for about 6 years. They didn't always have the clothes and toys that other kids had. However, they learned how to love and treat women. They learned to be kind and gentle and chivalrous. They learned to admire strong, independent women who can take care of their own.

I would do all of it over again just to have them and I would leave all over again in order to raise them right in a safe loving home. The happy ending is that my boys and I married the husband and dad of our dreams, they got some more siblings and we are all working really hard at happily ever after.

1) Yes, I left my husband. Been almost 6 years now. We were married 15 years.

2)Yes I am happier now, however it has not been an easy road there.

3)Yes, I DO wish I'd tried harder at my marriage.

4)Yes, life is much better this way. For BOTH of us.

5)My children were very positively affected. My children are happy and healthy when I'M happy and healthy.

BUT, every situation is unique. I don't have regrets, exactly. But hindsight IS a wonderful thing. And now that I am square again, I can take a step away from it all and I don't really like what I see about myself. Since in all consiousness I DIDN'T give 1110% at every waking moment, I really CAN'T say I did my best.

Good news is, HE didn't either, and it really DOES take two.

:(

**Incidentally, I did not "Cheat, act like a putz, nor was I immature and got cavaleirly get divorced for no good reason". And yet I do wish I'd tried a little harder, go figure.

Never had a husband.

But yes, I did get divorced and remarried.

Remember when you were a teen and everyone in your family kept saying "marriage is hard work. Alot harder than you think". Totally true.

Luckily, I realized that before I remarried. Because you have to be a whole person (complete within yourself) before you can be a full partner in an equal relationship. Nobody completes me. But my wife and I compliment each other.

Hi suzie-

In my case, I was married for 20 years. The marriage was rocky...particularly the last five years. We had been to counseling, but as soon as drinking came up as an issue, my now ex declined to go. I continued for a while. My family was very much in favour of my staying in the marriage 'for the kids'.

**sigh**

Then, an unspeakable incident occurred while ex was in a drunken stupor. I filed for divorce. The divorce was lengthy...bitter...angry. I still have to deal with ex in court (primarily with financial issues)...going on six years later...

**sigh**

Hindsight being 20/20...I wish I had divorced earlier...when I knew in my heart and soul the marriage was dead...and clearly 'he' was unwilling to invest in our issues.

My children are all very well TY. The older ones have struggled to maintain a relationship with their father to varying degrees...mostly unsuccessfully. The 'youngers' he has not seen in over 3 years...his choice. It has been hurtful to them for him not to have come to HS graduations...sporting/music/dance/theatre events...but again HIS choice.

I am happier NOW. But the road to getting to happy has been long and bumpy.

I can look back and say that I gave my marriage EVERY CHANCE to succeed. BUT, 'two' have to play at that.

Best Luck!
michele/cat

I'm in the middle of an incredibly ugly divorce.

I wish I'd tried LESS hard and left 6 years ago.

Hi,
Not sure what you situation is, or why the question. Each situation is much different, so you will get many different opinions I am guessing. I personally have never been divirced, I have been with my husband for 25 years, but I will tell you about my parents, from the kids point of view since that is all I can really on this topic.
My parents never got divorced. I wish they had. My father was a raging alcoholic. He was never physically abusive, but he was very verbally abusive, and as a resuly we were all extremely emotionally abused. My Mom and all of the children, (basically my brother and I), went to counseling and therapy for years, but my father did not go on a regualr basis. He DID go through rehab probably about 35 times. The longest he ever stayed sober was for 2 years and 4 months. I know this because it was the happiest time during my childhood. I used to pray that my Mom would leave my father. Not because I didn't love him, but because I did.Even as a young preteen and teenager, I knew that once she left him and stopped enabling him to continuing to drink and self destruct, he would hit bottom, and if he would ever have a chance at getting better, that would be when. My Mother did leave him a few times, but never for more than a couple of weeks. She always went back. She found it easier to not "rock the boat" when it came to my father, since he was less confrontational in general when she didn't do that. I on the other hand rocked the boat daily. He and I had such similar personalities and we always were butting heads. It seemed as though I was always the target of his anger and his verbal assaults when he would go on a binge. I truly believe that he just knew that I always knew when he was drinking, since he would try to hide it, and it bugged him to no end that I would confront him. (this is as I got older in high school) There were actually times as I got older when our verbal altercations became physical, but mostly due to my own frustration and aggression toward him. No matter how bad the situation with my Dad became, my Mother stuck it out, and stayed with him. They moved so many times I lost count. My Mom worked 2 and at times 3 jobs to pay the bills. They lost our family home that they built on land that my grandmother bought for us. (I actually helped build the house too as did my brother) Alcoholism is a horrible thing. My Mom really took her vows to heart, and felt that my Dad was sick and couldn't help or control what was happening. I am sure if he had been violent she would have left him, but she saw the situation as bad, just not abusive. also, he had been messing with her head for SO long. Honestly, all of us were effected by his alcoholism. In the end, I convinced my Mom to leave my father and come and stay with me and my husband. I was an adult by this time with 2 very young children of my own. She had gone through enough, and felt it was time. She stayed for a couple nights, and went back home to get some more of her things so she could stay longer. I also think she just wanted to check on my Dad because she was so used to taking care of him. (old habits are hard to break) Well, the day she went back, she found my Dad laying face down on the floor. He had passed away that morning. He was shaving. He had called one of his sponsers from AA, and was getting ready to go to a meeting and wanted to try to get his life together. He said he was really afraid that he had finally lost everyone, so he needed to get it together. My Mom had left, and I was not allowing him to see his 2 granddaughters. So sad. I really do wonder what would have happened if my Mom had left him years before and he had gotten a real chance to "get it together" before that. Would he be around today? Would my kids have a grandfather? These are things that I have no answer for, and it is very sad.
If someone is in a bad relationship, I say never, ever stay in it for the kids. Things are ALWAYS better if you get out of it, no matter what the situation is. Everyone deserves to be happy in life, and nobody needs to stay in a marrige that is not what they had hoped that it would be when it started. Now, that being said, I don't think that everyone should rush to get married the way they do these days too. People need to make sure they are ready, because it is a serious thing, and shouldn't be thought of as disposeable. It seems like a lot of things are thought of as disposeable these days.
So, I hope whatever is going on with you works out. I hope that whoever is needing to make a choice does it with much thought and attention to all involved. Stay strong, keep your chin up, and have a great day. :)

I think if you're evaluating things for you this isn't going to help because each sittuation is so diferent.
My final opinion when people ask M. if they should is: if its at all possible to work toward a healthy loving relationship together stay! If it's not possible then thats when you leave, because you're going to have to do tons of work if not more with divorce anyway.
my answers

1. Yes
2. In various ways yes, in various ways no.
2a. (leave it to M. to make a 2a=) ) I AM happier with my boyfriend who will hopefully one day be my husband, as in I am more in love, and feel we are an awesome fit and he is great with Emmy, and he shows her how a family should work (no cheating, lying, threatening)
2b. I am NOT happier because it is hard to leave a life that was easy. As in it was easy to have a set routine and easy to know what was coming next. Financially things were better. Now I'm in financial ruins
2c. Its hard starting over because for M. as much as my ex stunk at being with M. he was a great dad so starting over and dating with a kid is hard. You want someone to love and treat your kids J. as their dad would to give them a happy home and make divorce worthwhile and its very hard work to get there and to loosen up a bit and let relationships build. -Although seeing my daughters relationship where it is currently with my boyfriend makes it all worthwhile
3. I gave it my best. At time I feel I couldve stayed and worked on things and faked it until I made it but in the longrun I feel teaching my daughter to stay with someone who cheated for 10 years isn't a great thing to teach her
4. See 2a and 2b=) Yes it is better as in I am happy, no financially it is not better. It is better but a lot harder I shoudl say
5. Shes almost 6 and was 3 when we split and it still bugs her and she gets sad and misses her dad but mostly it bothers her because she wants to not travel back and forth and wants everyone she loves under one house (including my boyfriend and her dad)

I have to agree with Theresa.
I got divorced after 20 years of marriage, the last 5 were really rocky.
I, too, in hindsight see where I could have probably made it work.
I believe it's best to grow old with the one who fathered your kids, makes life much easier in the long run.
It did affect my grown sons as well.
My ex passed away a couple of years ago, it makes me sad.
Now, with grandkids from my husbands side and mine, it's hard to do all the visiting at separate places and such. Makes it hard for our grown children as well as to how they divvy up their time for visits.
I'm happy, love my husband dearly, but that baggage never goes away.

Yes I am happier than I ever could have imagined after my divorce.

I am remarried to an amazing guy ( he has his faults.. but don't we all) and the past 6 years of our marriage has been better than my ex's even first year of marriage.

My 11 & 12 yr old don't even remember the divorce or us being married. They were 3 & 4 almost 4 &5 when it happened. It wasn't really a huge change for them, they adjusted pretty easy to it. My oldest has had the hardest time, but there is a long story behind that.

For me it was the best choice we could have made for ourselves and our kids.

I'm in a pre-divorce situation. There are those in my family of the "try to save marriages at all costs" ilk. The funny thing is, EVERYONE I KNOW who is divorced is so much better off and happier after. Maybe not IMMEDIATELY after during rough patch, but then they go on to be SO much happier and meet MUCH better mates. Both my parents included.

BUT, that's for situations in which people left for valid reasons. I think if you just cheat or act like a putz, or are just young and immature, or you're not a good spouse and don't realize it, and your spouse was a great person, but you were too blind to see it, and then you cavalierly get divorced for no good reason, you could later regret not trying a little harder. So it depends I guess.

Hi Suzie Q.

1) I left my 1st husband and was left by my 2nd husband.

2) Divorce, no matter what the situation, will never make you "happy". However, I have a sense of peace now that I never had after I married my first husband and until I had worked through the issues I had after divorcing my 2nd husband. Actually, that's not true. The peace came after I had worked through issues after the break up of a long term relationship (3 years) that didn't end in marriage.
Divorce is just another can of worms. It won't solve your problems and if you have children in many cases you just trade out one set for another set... that set is ususally WORSE to begin with. But then..... 3 or 4 years later, it sort of evens out.

3) I wish I'd tried harder at the 1st marriage and I wish I'd tried "differently" in the 2nd marriage. I tried to change myself to please him in the 2nd marriage, without realizing that because he wasn't happy with himself, he could never be happy with me.... regardless of who I tried to become. I'm glad I had the foresight not to marry the guy I was with for 3 years. I entered into some pretty intense therapy to "fix" myself and I have just become engaged to a guy who is perfectly wrong in all the right ways for me and I have a sense of peace and understanding of how to do the "right" work to make this relationship successful. Most of that is working on your own "stuff" plus finding the right partner.

4) my daughter has been profoundly affected. I had to change jobs, and we have less money... way less money and in exchange I was home more because I couldn't have the type of job I'd had when I was married. She had parents who couldn't speak to each other for a while (ok... a few years) and when they did it was yelling. As a 5 year old she was subjected to listening to her dad yell about me in her presence and call me names. As a 5 or 6 year old she had to "chose" if she believed him. That's not a choice a 5 year old should make.
She doesn't have access to her dad every day. We live in a different state and he only takes her a couple times a year.... although this year he wants her for the WHOLE summer, well 10 weeks. That will be more time in one sitting than she's spent with him the ENTIRE 7 years we've been divorced.
Is she happier? Maybe. She (7 years later) now has a happy mom and a happy dad.... and if we'd still been together she wouldn't have that, no matter how much we worked at it. But she has been profoundly impacted in her personality.... at 3 she was very outgoing, life of the party, giggly, happy-go-lucky. at 11, she is very concerned with what others think of her. She's shy. Introverted. Doesn't "make friends with 'everybody' ". prefers to read. has much more fear around performance anxiety and if people will still like her if she fails at something. Would she have turned into the same 11 year old? Who knows.... I suspect not. I suspect her fears and anxiety are watching her mother not be good enough for her dad and having to decide on her own if that meant
a) *Mom* was not good enough
b) Mom was not good enough for *Dad*.
c) Mom is just fine and Dad is a crazy loon.
d) mom is just fine and dad is just fine.... but boy, why were they ever married to each other?

I guess my opinion, and it's hard because I don't really know what you're asking..... is that to try harder at the marriage you have to focus on YOU. What do you bring the party. What can YOU do to compromise. What have YOU done to contribute to the issues and can you fix it. And you have to focus on those things REGARDLESS of what crappy, schmucky things HE'S done. You have to forgive.... alot. You have to forgive him and his mom and his sister and you have to forgive YOURSELF and your sister. You have to get up EVERY.SINGLE.DAY and make a conscious committment to be a better person today and to remember that *this* is about more than you. That the *sum* of the two of you is bigger than each of you.... but that *you* can impact it in a positive way, or you can smash it to pieces.
When you're drowning and you're next to someone else who is drowing..... you have several choices. You can lift yourself out of the water by pushing them under. You can swim away from them, and take your chances in the open sea. You can steady yourself and then help that other person to breathe. Those are your choices regardless of how you got in your situation. But regardless of why you're there..... well, you still need to deal with how you got yourself in that situation to begin with. And you can say it was a bad partner. Hogwash...... "you're" a part of it too. Either in who you chose, or how you reacted or what you expected or whatever.

So, are you happier after a divorce? Maybe. You can "God Bless the Broken Road" all you want..... But in the end.... I really wish I had been in a position at 23 to be mentally healthy enough and from a non-dysfunctional background to have understood how to pick a husband. And then I wish I was still married to the love of my life. And that every day I woke up and said "despite anything that might go wrong today.... I am glad that I have you here to go through it with". Instead of having some experiences that were truly truly dark. That were empty. that were filled with despair and self-doubt and anger with another person who you are supposed to be able to trust.
Will I be happy with my new husband?. Yep. Because I've spent an ungodly amount of hours working on me..... and my issues. and what I contribute. and what I can do better. Not that my first 2 husbands were blameless. They were idiots.... don't get me wrong. But I can only be happy with someone else if I am happy with myself. And if you aren't there now.... it's a really really long road to get there.

Good Luck with the decisions you are making and I hope that you find peace.

Things that are different now that would influence my decisions:

Women are not guaranteed custody of the kids anymore. If they are SAHM's chances are they won't get custody until they are financially able to support their own children. They need to go to school to earn the best and quickest degree they can and get working.

Women are less likely to get alimony now. They are expected to have a job and be able to support themselves.

Women are not going to get high amounts of child support from the dads even if they do get full custody. The courts expect them to work and not need as much.

Too many judges and couples are doing joint custody. This is nice if everyone is wealthy and able to provide for their children on their own BUT if one of the couple is not able to earn as much the children do not have the same lifestyle with both parents.

Women have to pay outright and upfront for their own attorney. They cannot find one to take them on and then bill the ex for it. They are expected to hire their own and be able to pay in full on their own. Otherwise they are too poor to support their own children.

The courts have completely changed in the last few years. It used to be if you were a woman you could pretty much get whatever you wanted.

These days the hubby is the one getting all the consideration.

I am still married because I can't hire an attorney and counseling is free for us at the local mental health facility.

Just like every marriage is different, every divorce is different. My divorce from my husband of 19 years ended a year ago in April. I can tell you that it is hard, but as for myself, I am so much happier. I didn't realize how unhappy I had been until my eight year old commented that she misses her daddy a lot, but that things are much better now, that I am a much happier mom. It's bittersweet.

We all have regrets and wish we could have/did do some things differently, so think carefully about the steps you take. But don't be afraid to take the steps you need for both you and your kids. Being frozen from fear can be worse than the anxiety from the unknown.

Freedom can be scary, but it's liberating too!

I'm the child of divorce. My mom wasn't happier when she divorced my dad but that divorce was very necessary for her peace of mind, physical and mental health and for the better for all of the family. My father's mental illness was not under control and he was a threat to all of us.

My mom did everything she could to try to make it work but it was too broken to work, he was too broken to work and he was beginning to break me and my sister.

Life was different. It was hard and my mom struggled but most of her struggles had much to do with how she thought about things. My mother encouraged everybody but she was very negative in how she thought about her finances. She always believed she never had enough and couldn't afford anything and those kinds of thoughts drove how she operated her life.

Both me and my sister learned alot from my mom. My sister is in an abusive marriage and struggles with her own demons of how she thinks. She has 14 children and is running from the authorities to try to keep her baby with her. None of her children live with her because the authorities have stepped in and she is desperately trying to make her marriage work because she wants her children to grow up with the dad that wasn't in her life.

As for me, it took me forever to learn how to love myself enough to set a standard for myself when it comes to men. Because my dad wasn't around to protect us from predators, there were several people that preyed on both me and my sister and my mom didn't know. I opted not to tell her because as a child I thought I would loose her because she would have killed the person involved and she was all I had in my child's mind.

Long story short I really could have used some men in her circles to step up and tell me I'm pretty, that I had value, and about men stuff. I adore my husband because I'm getting a crash course in mem from him and I'm over 40 but not 50 yet. I love that he is teaching my neices the same stuff he is teaching me.

The divorce was necessary, life was hard but life was good but it did effect us in different ways. My sister is also very defiant and rebellous. If you say it's sunny she will say it's not. My guess is she is mentally ill similar to daddy.

Create some form of new normal for your children and try to get them to participate in a counseling experience. While my mom got my sister counseling, my sister didn't truly cooperate and was hell for my mom. I was better behaved and kept my stuff inside until I exploded on myself but you grow and learn and live and love and move on. That's life.

First husband - I left, he thought it was too much effort to work things out so he filed for divorce........didn;t see it at the time but it was definitely a blessing....I was so much happier after the divorce and I did have the comfort that I had done everything I could to save that relationship but it takes two to tango. We didn;t have any kids. Life was soo good after the divorce....
but then 4-5 years later I decided to get married again - a good 5 years have passes since we got married and now we have our good days and bad days. We try harder for the sake of our baby.......

Yes, I left my husband.
Yes,I am happier because: 1) I have found my inner peace 2) I don't have to interpret another person's unspoken concepts or deal with short temper_3) i raise my son the way i want without having to discuss anything at any time 4) I have sex with someone I actually like when I decide it rather than give sex as a wifely duty to someone who didn't even deserve me (or please me, by the way) - that's because i am single and free to do as i please_5)I have a better relationship with my ex now than when we were together and that's actually pretty helpful_6)I have started over my life after divorce as a single 34yo mother with a toddler ALL BY MYSELF (got a great job and independence) so I gained TONS of confidence which makes me pretty desirable, they tell me_7) I am very optimistic about my future and curious to see what's next.
Is life better? Yes and no. Yes: read above; No:1) my son is missing growing up with BOTH his bio parents and he's "different" than many other peers who have both parents at home; 2)We could be better off financially (not complaining here,but still)_3)I could have a break from my motherly duties every now and then_4) I will never be able to be "a father" for him and I see it (read: guilt).
How did it affect my child? Don't know yet, but i guess I'll find out.
My advice: when deciding to divorce, always weigh out pros and cons,always keep your and your children's interest at heart (men end up being fine anyways) and make sure you are not ending up in a worse situation. That's my a-b-c.