Divorce - Danville,IN

First of all, try to let go of the anger and blame. He is your son, in your eyes he can do no wrong, but you do not know what her experience with him was and why she decided to leave. It may have been as simple as not loving him, but don't we all deserve to have love in our lives? I know it is hard, but try not to judge her for her choice, it was hers alone to make. Now, when it comes too the grandkids, she should want you to continue to be close to them. Sit with her and express your feelings and concerns. Let her know how much you love them and can not bear the though of not seeing them. Be honest with her and hope she can see that what is best for her kids is keeping all the family close even if the parents can no longer live together.

V.:

I'm sorry to hear this.

You need to be open and honest with her about your feelings. Let her tell you HER side of the story. No one is perfect. But if you don't have a good relationship with her - don't expect much. You will get out of it what you put in to it.

Your son isn't perfect. We'd all like to think our children are - but it's different living as a spouse with someone. You need to support her decision but tell her you aren't happy. Ask her to explain her side of the story of their marriage.

Let her know that you want to continue having a relationship with her and your grandchildren.

Don't judge her or your son. It's never easy. I know when I divorced my first husband my MIL was WONDERFUL and supportive. She was surprised we lasted as long as we did and was very happy that I found someone else and am happy now.

Find out what her expectations of you are and make sure you let her know yours. It's a two way street.

My ex-mother-in-law felt this way when we split up, as well. I loved her, and was happy to explain whatever she needed to know. She truly was trying to help our relationship. The problem was -- she wasn't ready for the answer. She found some things out about her son that she couldn't believe. Really. Fortunately, my ex did admit to the truth, and his mom quickly stopped asking questions. She & I maintained a relationship through the kids, but nothing further. She & I would meet half way so she could see them, and we kept up email address and phone number changes until my ex met a new lady & consequently started getting the kids regularly. This can be done -- just keep the best interest of the kids in mind.

From a different perspective, when your son meets a new lady, she may not like you having a strong relationship with his ex. That's really hard for the new gal. This may be years down the road, but try to keep this in mind. A connection with her is fine because of the kids, but keep the new gals feelings in mind when that time comes.

Hang in there!

I'm sorry your family is going though this. I'm hoping that as a Mom your daughter in law wants her kids to continue to have a stong relationship with all their grandparents. I think you just need to be honest with her when you are ready to put aside some of your anger, that will not help. I don't know how much of a relationship you can expect to have with her for at least some time but you have every right to keep the close relationship with your grandkids- it's your right and theirs. It's also healthy for the kids to have as many stable things in their life as possible as the divorce takes a lot of stability from them for quite a while. I'm sure I don't have to tell you but you'll also need to be very careful to hide your anger towards your daughter in law from the kids. You may need to be patient because in the begining there will be a lot of fresh feelings and need to calm down. Try your best to respond carefully to things that may be said out of anger rather than reacting in haste. Good luck and god bless.

Divorce is really hard, especially on the children.
Your son is your son, and you will always defend him, but try not to take sides or "get in the middle" of things.
Being angry and upset is a normal reaction when this happens. None of us hopes our marriages or our kids' marriages will end in divorce. It may take quite some time for those feelings to subside, but the main thing is that you want to have a reltionship with your grandchildren and that means keeping certain feelings to yourself at bit. If your daughter in law knows that you want to keep a relationship with her and the kids, that will go a long way in her feeling comfortable doing so.
My ex tried to turn my own family against me because he couldn't accept that I left him, so you can imagine the lies and horrible things he said to his own family. I have lost all contact with them. My son sees them only intermittently when he's with his dad and they have a "lets put her down even 14 years later" festival.
Anyway, your son and DIL are getting a divorce. YOU aren't divorcing anybody and your DIL isn't divorcing you either.
The main thing is for the kids to still have the love of both parents and their grandparents so at least that part can remain the same for them.

I wish you the best and I'm sorry your family is going through all this.
I'm sure you can work it out.

I just wanted to add, even though it didn't happen in my case, I am surrounded by friends who got divorced and actually like their ex-spouses better now. They get along, they don't argue, they're invited to each other's family functions. One friend's ex husband (they're both remarried) lives a distance away and he stays at her house when he comes up for the kids' birthdays and other things. It seems kind of weird to me, but they all get along and it works for them.

Again, I wish you and your family the best.

The simplest way to get along is to avoid any discussion of your son and the reasons for the divorce---not your business anyway. The same goes for dealing with your son. They are adults. They should treat each other with dignity and respect. Just consider her a friend who has children that you adore and want in your life, and treat her accordingly. Your son should be grateful that you still have a role in his kids' lives, and drop it at that. If neither of them bad-mouths the other, you can all have a civil relationship, and the kids won't suffer for their parents' mistakes any more than they already are.

My advice would be to stay away from the topic of WHY there is a divorce. (It's rarely only one person's doing, and even when one spouse has had seriously objectionable behavior, the other spouse usually did things that hurt the other person and led him/her to make the wrong choices, even if it was unintentionally.) After awhile, if the two of you build up trust with each other, she may tell you things that are helpful for understanding her decision. Also, if you stay kind and approachable, it could contribute to any reconciliation possibilities there may be in the future. Don't let awkwardness and ill will between the two of you become another obstacle that stands in the way of possible reconciliation.

I'd recommend writing a note saying something about being sad that the marriage is ending, but that you intend to consider her family forever. As the mother of your grandchildren, she holds a place of honor in your heart. (Put away all judgments at this point, and do not even hint at them.) Let her know that you hope she feels the same way. A note allows you to choose just the right words, and enables her to re-read it to shore up her nerve when she's ready to take you up on it.

In this note, invite her to call you to ask to keep the grandchildren as often--or more often than before. Mention that you recognize she may need some extra support, now that she'll be the lone the adult in the household, and offer to give that support in the form of spending time with the grandchildren. Then, if she doesn't call soon, call her yourself, and without mentioning the note, ask if you may take the kids to a movie (or some other specific activity) and when would be a good time that might also be helpful to her?

If she has the gall to ask you to babysit while she goes on dates in the future, look at it as a way to keep your son and her previous marriage in her mind as she dates! I guarantee, it will cross her mind several times during her date.

Do the same for your son. If he's like most men, he's probably never been fully responsible for looking after the children by himself for an extended period of time. He may welcome your help.

Do understand that for both your son and daughter-in-law, any time that the children spend with other people is time away from the parents. Now, each parent will have to share their time with the kids, reducing their time with kids by half or more.

Be very careful to never speak badly about your daughter-in-law when your grandchildren can hear. Children take that in and often have thoughts like, if my mother is a loser, what does that make me (her children)? Might Mommy also leave me if she gets mad at me?

Find some resources for parents and grandparents dealing with divorce and read all that you can.

I wish you the best, as you travel down this difficult road. Be a blessing.