Division of Labor

Hey there, I have been through similar situations with my husband (we've been married 14 years and have 3 boys, ages 2, 3, 5!!).

According to him, men are clueless and don't read body language, or get "hints". He says men need to be told / asked / reminded what to do. Sorry if this offends anyone out there.

You have to (calmly when you're not pissed or resentful) just tell your husband that you are ------blank (overwhelmed, tired, whatever it is) and that you need him to do -----blank (be specific! If you leave it up to him, he won't do anything!).

Our deal is that my husband watches the boys while I make dinner (I actually like to cook). He takes them outside or downstairs so I can cook him peace and safety. Once a week he gives them a bath instead of me. (He is also a SAHD who works from home, so he does a ton!!)

Men are action-oriented. Give them a problem and they will solve it. Women are emotion-oriented. We nurture, feel, and are concerned with how others are "feeling". Men really are different. They need specific guidelines on what to do when and how to "fix" things. So be bold, tell him what the problem is, and what HE can do to HELP!!

God bless, best wishes!!

1 mom found this helpful

Hi T.- girl you are not alone! I totally agree with the posters who said your best course of action is to give instruction to your husband. my dear, dear husband will come home from work and watch TV- decompressing after his oh so busy day, while i run around fixing dinner for us all, letting the dog out, cleaning the kitchen, folding laundry, keeping children away from stoves... etcetcetc. :) He will watch me, and i don't think he's particularly cruel or a bad father- he just thinks i have it under control. Since he doesn't know i need help unless i make it VERY clear, i have to spell it out. I know, it'a annoying. but it works. "Honey, can you take the baby outside for a walk around the block while i make dinner- maybe for 10 minutes?" or "honey, go take the baby up and change his pants and then play with him and some crayons for 20 min so I can get this laundry folded." "sweety, I need an hour to take a shower- please take the baby outside to play"
Give a specific activity, a time, and a reason why it needs to be done. He'll start to catch on. Now i just have to give my husband a look (not even a mean one) and he jumps right up. He's definitely not good for longer than 20 min, but i've given him enough "tasks" over the past year that he can survive a few hours with the baby, and has even done a whole day. You husband may just not feel confident, and feels that you have it all under control. he's probably not TRYING to be a jerk, but you have to spell it out what you need from him and HOW he can help you. :) good luck!

First I want to say, this is totally normal! In your situation as a SAHM, you hubby probably argues "well, you don't work. I need a break after I get off work." Most men feel like this. They are very wrong. I am a nanny, so I take my 13 mos old son to work with me and I care for an 11 mos old, 3 yr old and 5 yrs old.

I, like you, was uncomfortable with leaving my son, but I had to get over it. I did it gradually. I started by going to get my nails done or to buy a few things at the store. I also started while my son was napping and I knew it wasn't going to be much for someone else to "deal with". My husband wasn't comfortable being alone with our son for more than an hour or two, and part of that had to be nap time. However, he's since gotten over that. I started leaving the baby with my husband for longer periods of time.

Let me just tell you, my husband has a whole new respect for me and what I do as a mother, wife and nanny! He admitted after spending an 8 hr day with our son (who mind you naps for 1-2 hrs in the morning and another 2-4 hrs in the afternoon) that it was absolutely exhausting to take care of and entertain the baby all day...Well Duh!

We live with my in-laws, but I am not comfortable letting my MIL babysit unless my son is asleep most of the time because she doesn't have the patience to deal with him (and recently she's been going thru medical issues and can't watch him). My parents only live 20 mins away, but in order for them to watch him we have to take him to their house (that will change soon as my husband and I are buying a house this summer).

My son has spent the night at my parents house twice, and is going to spend the night there tomorrow night. My hubby and I understand how important it is for us to have a break from the baby and to be together just us.

It does get easier the more you leave the baby. And it gets easier when they are older and more predictable. My son is 13 mos and I can tell someone exactly when he is going to need to eat, sleep and be changed.

In my experience as a childcare provider, the longer you wait to start allowing others to care for the child, the harder it is on you and the child.

Is it possible for you to find a babysitter (I use craigslist to find babysitting jobs) and have her come over when you are going to be home for a couple hours. This way you and your child can get to know the sitter, she can get to know your child. The comfort and trust will grow from there. Before you know it, occasional freedom will be a phone call away.

I understand your anger very well.
I have a 2 year old and very soon I will have another baby. Fortunately my husband and I work alternate schedules so that he is forced into the Mr. Mom position very frequently. This makes things a lot easier.
He loves to take care of Klausi now, so I have more time to get household chores done. I wished he would do more around the house but he is trying.

Bonding time is probably something that your hubby could use with your little one. Maybe he feels a little insecure about taking care of your boy, because you seem so proficient at it and he is afraid to fail or make mistakes.

How about if you would spend a day with your girlfriends or family on a weekend and just inform him: I am going away for a few hours. You two have fun! Maybe you guys can go to the playground or something!
The trick is to make it through the door and into the car before he catches up with you and leave quickly before he can talk you out of it.
He will be very scared at first but you will see that the two of them will be closer when you come back and next time it won't be such a big deal. It would be the best if the two of them could have a few hours together on every weekend. It would also give you a break to do what ever you need or want to do.
It would give your husband the feeling that he is a good father and that he is doing a great job with his son.
Just don't critizise him when you come home and he didn't do things right or your kid got muddy, etc. Let them have fun and "male bonding" together.
Your kid will also profit from it and start looking forward to spending time with his Daddy.

If things get tough and you both really need a break, get a babysitter. I am going to do that, too, because I have the feeling I will really need one! ;-)

Good luck!

T.,
I know what you mean! I spent what seemed like forever trapped in my house with my four kids. I had my first three in five years and my fourth four years later. The key is to take care of mama.
If you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of anyone else for long. It sounds like you are not taking great care of your marriage either. It sounds a little to me like your husband has detached from you and your son. Maybe he feels like there is no room for him in your life? The most important lesson we can teach our children is that you have to take care of yourself. I know the thought is terrifying but there are other people who can take care of a child for a few hours. I had the same issue with my in-laws that you have - in fact, we lost my mother in law last year at age 52 because she would not address her health. I actually did not allow my in-laws alone with my children for almost ten years! Anyway, there are always a few home daycare centers that are licensed that will keep children on occasion in the evening. Date your husband. Spend time alone with him and focus on each other for at least a few hours a week. I promise you, if he feels involved, he will be more willing to help with things. When he does things to help, reward him. Make sure he knows that every little bit helps. My kids think it is the grossest thing in the world that my husband and I "pay" each other with a kiss and a little snuggle but we both feel loved. If you need to, bribe him with "I'll pay you later" and make sure it is worth his while. Your baby will be much happier with a happy and loving mommy and daddy than to be stuck at home with unsatisfied parents!

Best wishes, S.

I feel you anger. The only way that I could get time for me when my kids were younger was to schedule some time every week for me. Let him know in advance that you have someplace to be and he needs to watch the baby for a bit. You will probably be surprised at the difference in both of you. You only need to go for a walk, go to the mall, meet up with some friends for an hour or two. Most first time Dad's don't want to much b/c they feel like they are not Mom, not realizing that the kids need Dad's unique playtime too.

Wow! Been there and done that. What saved my life when I moved here, away from my family and friends, was "The Mom's Club".They have meetings and events and resources that will be fun and offer you the chance to make new friends in your area. You can find a local branch though their website www.momsclubinternational.com. As for the husband, try writing down every move you make during a normal day and showing him how much you actually do for him and your child. There is no such thing as an equal division of labor, especially for SAHM's. But at least he will see why you are so tired and feeling as if you are doing everything for everyone. You may have to delegate some chores to him. Remember, if his dad was uninvolved in raising him, he is following the only example he knows. I wish you luck..........

Hi T., I think what you're feeling is a really common thing. In fact, a recent issue of Parenting magazine had a long article about how much anger women feel inside because of these exact issues. Here is a link to the article, "Mad at Dad": http://www.parenting.com/article/Mom/Relationships/Mad-at...

I don't know if many husbands really do appreciate just how much we do from first thing in the morning till the baby goes to bed (and then getting up at night). I don't think they wrap their heads around it. If you can, try to carve out some weekend time for yourself. Your husband should agree to take your son for a couple of hours at least so that you can have some time for yourself. It's only fair -- he is your partner in parenting. It's a reasonable request for you to make of him. Maybe showing him the article (or some other 3rd party info about this issue) might help. Maybe present things to him as a choice like, "Would you like to bathe the baby tonight or feed him his dinner?" Let him choose what he wants to do, as long as he takes over something and takes it off your hands.
Bringing this stuff up with your husband might cause a fight, but for your own sanity it's probably a fight worth having. Every mom needs support. Best of luck!

I have found what your experiencing to be more of the norm than you would think. When I went through this with my 1st born and then 2nd born, what helped me was writing my husband letters explaining how I felt and what he could do to help specifically. For ex. my husband now empties all the trashcans and cleans all the toilets every weekend. He either goes on all big grocery shopping trips or watchs the kids (yes he does let them watch TV more than I would).

Another thing is I would explain / write down what you do on a regular basis and how long it takes with a 1 1/2 year old. For example dr visit: left house 8:30 for 9 am appt, waited in lobby till 9:30, saw dr at 9:45, went to pharmacy at 10:15 waited till 10:30, arrived home 11 am with hungry, bored, grumpy son.

Also I would ask your husband to watch him for little breaks of time that increasingly increase. Explain you need exercise time, etc. Go for a 15 min walk every evening (after his news program or before ask what he would prefer). Then increase to 30 min after a couple of weeks.

Eventually leave your son with him, while you do early morning Sat grocery shopping. If your husband likes your nails done, ask him to watch him during his pm nap while you get your nails and or hair done once a month.

Your husband will eventually realize how much attention your son actually needs. Just childproof your house really well and hold your breath your son will be fine.

If you husband showers at night, many sons and dads love to shower together! If not maybe he could shower with your son on the weekend. explain how much your son would love that (ofcourse make sure you son isn't afraid of the shower first--introduce it to him slowly then present the idea to your hubby.)

Oh and everytime he does some child rearing task tell him specifically how much it helped! Lay it on, he has no clue what you are going through!

R.

Whenever my husband starts behaving this way, I just walk in and loudly and cheerfully say "it's Daddy time!!!" as I put our son in his lap. I then go and soak in the tub for a while until I feel human again, LOL. This is our second child, so the occasions where this becomes necessary are fewer.
With our first child we just butted heads and fought about this over and over again. I decided to go back to work part-time on the weekends, by the time I got home, he was worn out. I asked him if he needed a break, took over so he could go decompress, sit on the puter for a little while. The next time he got home from work I simply stated that I needed a break. Worked like a charm.
Feel free to vent on me anytime, I don't have any mommy friends close by where we live, so would love to have someone to chat with.

Take care of yourself and your little one,
J. S.

Look at your time like you do your money. Respond to the baby's needs, manage what you can, and learn to let go of some other things. If you try to do everything, you're not going to enjoy your husband very much. Some husbands will let you do as much as they see you do. When you stop, they'll pick up.

Hi - I was going to write all this advice, but Kristin seemed to say it all- I wholeheartedly agree with her- she hit it all right on the head! Good luck!

T. - you are NOT alone in this one! I read some of your responses and a lot of these women are right on the money. I really do think many men are "clueless" about what we do as moms. I don't really have any additional advice for you, I just wanted to tell you that I felt the exact same way when my girls were little. I always wanted to know when it was "my turn" to just walk out the door on Saturday morning (to mow the lawn or whatever!) I was always the one to have to say "can you watch the baby while I....." My girls are now 7 and 5 and while my husband has not changed very much my life has, simply b/c my kids are easier now. It doesn't matter if he's here or not, I've got it under control now (I'm not trying to sound mean!!!) In fact, my relationship with my husband is better than ever. Talk to him about it if you can, and hang in there!

your frustration is natural, and what's even sadder is that your husband is missing out on the opportunity to get to know his baby better. one-on-one time without mom around is so important for them!
i'd force the issue. tell him point blank you're going out for an hour, what the baby will need while you're gone, and leave him to it.
many first time moms have the problem of feeling that anyone else will break the baby, and fussing at their husbands that he's holding the baby wrong, not changing the diaper correctly, and so forth. this may not be the case for you, but i've seen many young husbands give up because nothing they can do is right. leaving the two alone together from time to time will not only save your sanity, it will allow them to figure out how to deal with each other and develop their own bond that will be very, very different from yours.
you will be doing all three of you a huge favor if you insist on time out of the house away from them both.
khairete
S.

Some parents are not as comfortable with some stages of childhood as others. A lot of dads can relate better when the child can kick or throw a ball around. My husband would take our son for hikes in a backpack carrier and give me a little quiet time at home. Put your son in a playpen where he can see you while you're cooking. You are going to have to find a sitter so you can get a few hours for yourself. Even if you are there when the sitter is there, at least you can have a bubble bath or just take a nap and relax for a couple of hours.

I hate to say it, but you need to drop the baby with the in-laws for just an hour or so and have it out with your hubby. I too was a stay at home mom when we had our boys (twins) and our 'argument' wasn't about paying attention to the kids, but about housework. He figured since I was home, he no longer had to do anything around the house. This just added to the growing list of things I had to do and didn't have time for. I discussed it with him many times and ultimately became VERY resentful of him. Finally, we had a big argument. I told him as calmly as I could that it was still his house as well and his family and he had to still be responsible. I told him that I have tried to discuss this with him but nothing changed and that I resented the hell out of him. Ultimately, he finally heard me. He also started taking more responsibility with the babies.

I don't mean you have to yell and scream, but you do have to INSIST he take responsibility for the family he helped create. He needs to be a man in the full sense of the word and not only take care of his child, but to bond with the kid so they will be close. It may be hard and frazzle the nerves at the beginning, but it was that way with us too and you end up learning the individual quirks of the baby and how to deal with them. The more you do, the easier it gets.

Don't threaten or put him down, but be very clear about what you need and insist that he do.

Good luck,
Julie

It is hard to give up control with a baby when you are home all day and your husband works. Have you tried to approach your husband and tell him that 2 days a week when he gets home from work you are going to go out to either exercise or just out for an hour or 2? He might feel anxious but he is the father and you have just let him take care of your son. Otherwise you will never feel confident to leave him with anyone -- I used to worry about my kids when I would leave with their dad but he is great and I learned to let go. If you are around your husband doesn't need to worry about taking care of the child he assumes it is your job. But parenting needs to be shared and you need to make your voice heard.

Also check on Sittercity.com and maybe find a babysitter in your local area. You could have someone come over a few times to make you feel more comfortable and have your son get to know someone new. You could do things around the house that you need to do without having to watch your son.

good luck

I am totally feeling your concerns. May husband did not much with our son either. Even now that he is almost 2. He is somewhat the same as you said when coming home. A short time with him and the its off to something else. I also feel the same about my m.i.l and my folks are far away and I have not meet many moms either. I say this to let you know you are not alone. It sounds like your husband maybe following patterns set out by his father. He may not know how to interact with a baby/toddler. I have been going to school part time and off on since my son was born so there were times when I had to leave him with his dad. This helped some. He has gotten more involved and is less scared about being alone with him. Maybe you can leave them alone to go grocery shopping or something. Sometimes you can talk to them til you are blue in the face and get nowhere. Guys are hands on. Does your husband have any interest he could share with your son, even at this age. My husband and his dad like trains and now so does my son. They have really simple train tracks now for toddlers. These are ways my son and husband connect, they both like superhereos (my son developed this interest on his own). Approach them having time together in a different way besides; dad "taking care" of him. He may feel like that is a woman's job. Right or wrong, I won't get into that. Maybe showing him there are other ways of spending time with him. Let dad take him to the park. I don't know. Maybe husband still needs help with taking care of him if I'm around, like getting him out of the tub, he needs me to hold the towel. But he can distract him while I cook, take a bath etc. Also, your son needs to know that dad can take care of him or entertain him. He is with you all day and depends on you for entertainment and neccesaties. So, it may not occur to him that his dad can do these things. I have been a SAHM for most of my son's life even though I took some classes, so he still depends on me a lot, but he is also ok with staying with dad if I leave. He'll just choose me if the two of us are around and he needs something. I hope these is something helpful for you in all this rambling. God Bless.

sorry but a knock down drag out fight is in order here with your hubby.

as nothing else seams to work. go on strike as to all the house work. if hubby wants dinner tell him to do it, you are dealing with your son (trick to this you eat before he gets home)

my hubby shaped up after this.