Disruptive Dinners

I don't have time to read all of the responses, but just wanted to throw something out there. Are you waiting until later than usual to eat? If so, are you giving him a snack at his regular dinner time? If he's over hungry, it could cause him to have these melt downs. I know it's weird that he'd be refusing what he needs, but if his blood sugar gets low, it could be the cause. (I've dealt with that before with one of mine.) Even if he doesn't get low blood sugar, being really hungry can set a child off.

Good luck! I hope he settles down soon and you can once again have a peaceful dinnertime routine.

Hi T.,

I agree with the others that he may be hungry/tired. What if you gave him a healthy snack (even the veggies or starch he would be having with his dinner later)at his normal meal time, and then let him finish when you sit down together? Also, I think to really help him acclimate, maybe he could still eat earlier, but then just come to the table with you later. He can either draw or play with some toys at his place. Eventually he'll be more interested in the conversation!

Last night my 20 months old played for 10 minutes with three little lime wedges while we finished eating. She eats so fast that she always finishes before us, so we tolerate any distraction that keeps her at the table and allows us to finish.

Good luck.

You guys are over analyzing the situation! It totally does not matter what the reason is for a tantrum, a tantrum should never be allowed. This new dinner time drama is the perfect opportunity for you, BOTH of his parents, to set the new routine, which is a family dinner. Whatever his reason for revolt-possibly because he has everyone's undivided attention, possibly because he prefers not to change his routine-doesn't matter! He's 3, and you're the parents. You don't have to change the menu or the time or anything. All you have to do is enforce your household rules until he understands them.

Yes it's a phase. It's a phase he can outgrow on his own terms at his own pace while running the household and ruining dinners, or its a phase you can end.
Hopefully he is not allowed to have tantrums at other times, which would make it hard to control them at dinner. Whatever your most effective form of discipline is, you need to implement it immediately when he begins these tantrums, and continue the consequence until he stops. Do not let the tantrums escalate or play out. Be absolutely consistent until he learns he NEVER gets away with it, and he'll learn to come to the table and participate in dinner like a gentleman. He's not too young. The amount of time this takes depends on what type of discipline you choose and how effective it is.

Also, since he's a boy, and since his dad is there, his dad should be the primary disciplinarian in this case, and you should back him up. He may be lashing out for attention because dad showed up etc. His strongest role model is his dad, so it's his job to teach him this isn't allowed. Don't let "guilt for being gone all day" into his mind for excuses, lots of men work all day. Once this is settled, dinner will be awesome for bonding, and as you said, they play together afterwords. A bit of discipline for these tantrums is the perfect missing piece to the picture.

As a side note-this is a sleepy time of day. My daughter had a few tantrums before dinner for a while, and she is NEVER allowed to indulge in tantrums and she knows it. But she was so sleepy form waking from a late nap, it was like she couldn't help it. I did implement her consequence, but I now also make sure she is fully awake at the time we start dinner. This (discipline for her, and scheduling for me) has solved the problem and we all eat together in peace.
Good luck!

Welcome to the world of 3 year olds! Do all three years do this? No, but many do. One of my triplets did the "making himself throw up" thing too. I think you're both looking to much into this. Three year olds will test and when their routine is broken they can go nuts. Does that mean you give in to his tantrums and wants when you know what is best for him? No. Sitting at the table as a family is a good thing. You need to set a routine and expectations for dinner time. How to behave at the dinner table should be a set rule before he goes up to sit. Let him know if he does not follow the rules for dinner time he will not eat and will have to go down from the table. Give a warning on how to behave. If he doesn't follow the rules then remove him immediately from the table and from the room and he's done. Any doctor will tell you that a child will not be hurt and suffer from missing a meal due to poor behavior. Put him in his room and ignore his tantrum. He's going to react more by how you react. Don't feed his tantrums. Go about your business as usual and eat your dinner with your younger child and husband. Your younger child will be seeing what is happening and will learn by what she sees. If she sees that big brother can act like a jerk and Mom and Dad jumps, then she will learn to act the same way. This battle may go on for a couple days or a couple weeks, but eventually, he'll get hungry and will know that if he acts poorly he'll go somewhere that he doesn't like. Don't send him somewhere that he can play and enjoy himself or it defeats the purpose so pick a spot. If he makes himself throw up, make sure he knows it's wrong and not to do it again. They will be very dramatic and play on your sympathy. Don't give in to it.

Also, set each meal time with the same routine and expect the same rules and behavior. 3 year olds are picky so if he doesn't eat, fine. Don't fix him something different. Just offer tiny portions of everything to give him a balanced meal, just much smaller amounts. Once you see he's done eating or not going to eat, and his milk is gone or is done drinking that, then he needs to sit with the family until everyone is done or needs to leave the table immediately. The choice is yours. But if he stays at the table until everyone is done then he has to follow the behavior rules, which means it may be better to remove him immediately until he gets older where he'll sit longer periods.

Most of all, don't stress! Don't give in to the tantrums. The parents set the rules and expectations and if the children don't follow them then they are removed from the situation.

At age 3, children can have half a Flintstones vitamin complete. All the vitamin does is help to "supplement" anything a child may miss with meals. If your son is eating other meals then don't stress it and just do the half vitamin and follow your routine. It's going to be allot work on Mom and Dad for a while but it's worth it down the road to teach rules and expectations now.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

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This is probably a repeat, but it sounds like an attention getting situation to me. I can only say this because my son does the same thing at dinner time. We simply give him a warning or two that his behavior is unacceptable and that he will not disrupte the entire dinner. If he doesn't stop, we pick him up and put him in his room. We tell him that when he is ready to calm down and eat with us, then he may return to the table. It works, but you have to be consistent and firm.
Good Luck!

T.,
I think your child is having a hard time because he's tired. My advice is to try this: Feed your kids before their father gets home. When Daddy gets home, you all sit down together. The kids can have DESSERT and Daddy can have his dinner. That should make everyone happy!
Good luck.

Hi T.. Dinners can be a challenge no matter what age your children are. Anything from new foods, new times, new situations...or just attentions seeking can be the reason for battles. Don't take it so personally. If he is eating fine the rest of the time you are well within your parental rights to expect good behavior and habits at dinner as well. Your doctor is more than likely right, it sounds like a phase against "change" and you shouldn't back down at all. And don't let your hubby take it personally either! Just get strong and don't be afraid to send him away from the table without dinner if he can't control the temper tantrums! Do not let a 3 yr old ruin your dinner or control your household. If you begin to play to these displays of temper now you will be doing it forever. Missing a dinner or two will not hurt him either. Don't over think the situation or look for "hidden meanings" kids really aren't that complicated at his age and don't have agendas! They want what they want when they want it. So keep it simple, follow your household rules, stay strong and within a few days this will all be just a bump in your memories! :-) Best wishes.

Hi T.,

Setting boundaries on your son will be difficult but you can do it.

Here is a web site: http://life.familyeducatio.com/toddler/behavioral-problem...

In addition:

Before you sit down to eat give your sone instructions on what you expect at the dinner table and what the consequences will be.

At the table when he begins to act out say:

Son, when you do ______________(describe the behavior)

I feel____________________(describe how you feel about his behavior)

In the future________(tell him what you expect and if he doesn't behave, give him the consequence that you already explained to him.)

Hope this helps. Good luck.

PS talk with your husband and see that he gives you the support you need to make your statements meaningful to your son.

All the best. D.

Not such a weird situation to me. I'm sure you'll get lots of advice, but I just wanted to let you know, that i am in a similar situation. Daddy can't seem to consitently make it home for dinner at 5:30. THe kids get hungry by 5 and i can usually hold them off until 5:30 but to wait until 6 until daddy gets home just makes everyone miserable.
My son is 5 and for the last...oh, year, he whines and complains at dinner time.
A few things i've done, that have helped a little, is to ask him his favorite dinner and try to make that more frequently than i want, but at least i have the peace of mind that he is eating something.
Another good tip is to check out Kid Cookbooks from the library to see if he would be willing to try something new, Disney makes one with the characters on each page and photos of the recipies.
And to go along with that, my mom suggested allowing the kids to help in get dinner ready, they seem to eat better if I talk up how great the rice is because they added the water or something like that.
OOhh just thought of something else you could sneak healthly food into the food he likes, say add pureed carrots or something to his Mac and Cheese, or what ever he is eating at lunch time to make use he is getting nutrients. there are a couple of SNeaky Chef type cook books out there you could google.

Maybe setting the table fancy,like you are in an expensive resturant and talking about table manners. I"m sure there are books. We have one called "Mac and Cheese why do you always have to say Please". maybe carefully have some lighted candles going. hubby might like that, and it might be something novel for your son.
Could you buy him a new fun kid plate that he gets to use and would be excited to eat the food so he could see the character on it???
do you think he needs to have a BM? Its gross but when my son was learning to potty train he had to poop every night 5 minutes after we started eating dinner, He always "went" too.
could he be tired?? is nap changing?
Unfortunately i think some kids do just go through this phase around this age. I'm sure it's not your husband. Lots of other people will probably say you just need to get tough and if he can't behave at the table then he goes to bed hungry, I would hate to see that because it just makes the night miserable for you. Try looking at his whole day, and maybe Try asking him, maybe he wants some play time with daddy right when hubby walks in the door??? Is he teething, getting molars?? I don't know. You have my sympathy. I'm glad you asked this though, i might shake up dinner time at our house tonight.
HOpe something works out.

Children are creatures of habit and when you change a routine it takes alot of getting used to. He is fighting the change by throwing tantrums and refusing to eat. STick with this though. He will get through it and don't let your hubby off the hook by letting him skip family meal time.
I suggest helping your son by making the meals a time when he can help- have him help you set the table or hand out napkins or you can let him help you prepare the salad. Really play up the "big helper" role. By being invested in the preparation he may be more invested in eating it too. It won't happen overnight but eventually family dinners will become routine for him- just stick to it and be consistant.

yup. It is kind of wierd -- esp if he's fine eating as a family on the weekends. I'm wondering if maybe a light appetizer before Daddy gets home would help. I know the fact that he's not eating much would suggest that he's not all that hungry, but he may need to have a little "boost" to keep his emotional state on an even keel for supper. I would try some fruit, or yogurt or something. And then, if he isn't hungry at supper, he doesn't have to eat, but he needs to sit with the family. And if you coach him to tell Daddy what he did that day -- what he played with, what he watched on TV or something -- help him to take part in the table conversation so it's "all about him" -- he'll get positive attention and maybe it'll help get you over the hump. Otherwise ? Well, the doc's advice isn't bad, either. And if you followed that, I'd just remove him from the table and put him in bed if he acts like that at the table. He has the choice: to control his behavior, or if he's too tired to do so, he can go to bed. He'll eat at breakfasttime -- or when he calms down and asks to come back to the family areas of the house. :-)

Good luck. An emotionally tough situation for you. These young ages can be horrible at times. But they are also great fun, because kids' sense of wonder and ability to learn is so HUGE.

b

Hi, I agree with Amy K below. My son totally melts down when dinner is late - and even though it's because he's so hungry, he gets so upset he'll refuse to eat. Once we get a little something in him, then he'll settle down and eat the rest of his dinner. It's over-hungry, in the same way kids get hyper when they are over-tired.

Of course we've learned the hard way that the better solution is to give some kind of a healthy snack earlier to prevent the meltdown in the first place. Sometime he eats less dinner because he had the snack - so for that reason, I try to make sure it's a healthy snack (fruit, yogurt, etc).

Good luck!

T. I had the same problem what we did was started getting out youngest involved with setting the table he would get the silverware out and place it at everyones seat I gave him napkins to place at each persons spot. We even let him decide what everyone would drink he would put ice cuhes in everyones cups. Then if he would behave at dinner we would let him chose from two different meal options what we would have for dinner. Made Jacob feel special and important and he was very proud of himself. He would tell everyone that would listen how he helped Mama make dinner.

Now he even helps with more difficult things like tearing up lettuce for salad, placing cucumbers, or croutons in salad. He has even helped me stir sauce and such. If he tantrums then he doesn't decide tomorrows dinner.

If the tantrums get to bad we send him to his room and he will eat by himself when we are done so that my other two don't have an unpleasant dinner.

Hope this helps..

Love in Christ,
C.

Family dinners are so important and you are doing the right thing!

I had this same problem with both of my sons. I explained to them that they must be at the table for the blessing and if they missed the blessing, their food would go down the drain. I just did this with my three and a half year old, and I asked him repeatedly what would happen if he didn't come for the blessing and he would yell, "down the drain!" Once I was sure he got it, I enforced the rule. The first two nights, worked like a charm. The third night, his dinner went down the drain! He hasn't done it since. I gave a piece of cheese and milk before bed but made sure to separate that an hour after dinner.

This method will work, although you might have one rough night, but stick to your guns and you will not ever have to deal with this again! He will get over this "phase," but if you aren't tough, you will have a little manipulator on your hands in no time.

A tough call. I agree that family dinners are important, especially if Daddy has a long day at the office (and Mommy a long day at home!) But I also think its important that meals be pleasant. I still feed my "just-turned-3" year old son when he's hungry. I wait til 6:00 when Daddy comes home when I can (maybe we've had a later lunch, or a heavy snack, and can wait). Sometimes he starts when he needs to and is still eating, or has already left the table when Daddy gets home. If he's already finished eating, sometimes he will just sit with us for the company, but sometimes he wants Daddy to come and play with him, Daddy's dinner in tow. I'm not even saying I have any solutions, but you are not alone. Maybe I should be more aggressive or proactive, or in control, but with a 3-year-old, and the situation being so changeable, we're kind of going with the flow right now. Hopefully a more discipline-oriented situation will be appropriate when he's a little older. Or maybe my husband will get a job not an hour away from our home! But, my son is eating well and healthy, and I think that counts for something. Best of luck.

We had a siilar problem, and it was because Daddy was there and my kids wanted attention.

Basically we all sit down and if my son starts to act out, he has to go to time out (in another room). He wants to be there with Daddy, but I had to plead with my hubby to ignore it. The acting out usually gets Dad's attention so they will do it because at this age attention is attention wetther it is good or bad attention.

Also, as long as he eats well during the day, let it go. We tell our kids, "This is dinner. If you don't eat it, breakfast will be served at 7 am".

Good luck.

We have always made a point of having family dinners together every weeknight...I agree that it is very important for parents and children alike. I too have had challenges making it interesting for my youngest child to sit through a 30 minute meal because my husband typically doesn't get home from work until 7pm so most nights we don't sit down to eat until 7:15pm. As you know, that can be a difficult hour for a toddler.

We've tried to be creative in keeping things engaging. It sounds a little Leave It To Beaver, I realize, but we take turns talking about our day and asking each other questions. My daughter always begins by asking my husband, "How was work today, Dad?" (which melts his heart, every time). My son (age 10) shares aspects of his life, school, friends, etc. that we don't hear about during the other more hurried parts of our day. He knows it is his time to share the ups and downs of his day while having our full attention. My daughter (almost 3) has now become accustomed to this rhythm and shares with us special moments in her day, friends she played with, special things we did together, etc. Mom and Dad take turns too, of course. Once we are done with the narratives, we often talk about the meal, who set the table (praise for a child), who helped Mom make the meal (again, more praise for a child). They feel involved and valued for their role in the "event". Basically, we do keep them mentally engaged the whole time which may not always be relaxing, per se, but usually keeps them at the dinner table. When all else fails, introduce a simple game (e.g. I'm thinking of something on this table that can be eaten and is green, etc.)

Personally, I am hoping that the nightly routine of family dinners will help maintain communication channels that often disintegrate as those pesky pre-teen and teenage years approach.

These are simple ideas, but I hope they help. Good luck and cherish those meals together.

Whoa--do I feel your pain! We, too, have had our share of dinnertime disasters. In our house though it's usually on the 2 days per week that I work and my mom is here and she stays for dinner, too. It's like he was being ridiculously bad at the table! We would usually eat as soon as I got home from work --thanks to my mom;-) -- and he was SO BAD. I think because I was gone all day and he wanted my attention.
So maybe it IS because of your husband - but not in the way HE'S thinking. Could he try to give him 5 min of special attention before dinner?
That might work.
As far as the refusing to eat, what I used to do was say "Are you done? Is your belly full?" If he answered yes, he could leave the table. It was too stressful to listen to him grouse AND complain AND not eat, so I figured--yep--you're done--good bye!
They can always have a healthy snack before bed so don't get too focused on the eating issue. I would like to have a nickel for every pound of food I threw away when my son was that age! :-)
Hang in there. Do the best you can.

Please keep the family dinners. He will eventually get used to it. On the days that my husband works overtime i make 7:30 dinners. I really think it is important to eat as a family every night.

I have two thoughts. One is that maybe the new dinner time is too late for your son. I'm thinking maybe it is similar to when kids act up when they are tired. My kids sometimes get really cranky when mealtime approaches. My second thought is that maybe he is excited to see his father and is looking forward to playing with him when he gets home. Unfortunately, my suggestions would be either an earlier or later dinner time - not much help. If you can't find any other solutions and this behavior continues could you compromise by you eating with the kids at the earlier dinner time, then when your husband gets home and finishes dinner you could all have dessert together? It would still give you time together as a family around the table.

Hi T.,

I tend to agree with your pediatrician. We experienced a similar situation when our first son was about 2. Only with us it was going out to grandma's, shopping or anywhere else! My son would fuss if I would go with them .. he just wanted Daddy with him and told me in no uncertain terms for me to stay!

Children do go through phases and usually will act out when they are tired and growing up. It is passing and the best way to handle it is for the other partner to treat it lightly .. make every experience met this way one of laughter. We used to plan ahead our trips out .. and make sure our son knew that we were ALL going on an adventure. Perhaps you can do that about mealtime .. a special time for all of you to share good food with Daddy. Maybe you all can have a 'special' story ready for dinner time that your son can look forward to while you eat.

It will pass .. and things will get better. Good luck .. let us know how things progress..
blessings,
K.