Disrespectful and Out of Control 15 Yr Old Son

wow, sister. I feel for ya. Please do me a favor.

Strip that entitled little jerk of everything you have so lovingly provided him with and set some boundaries. And If my son ever opens his mouth to cuss me, please come do the same for mine!
Take his door off the hinges. Confiscate his phone, his xbox, whatever else he likes. Leave him with 4 walls, a bed and enough clothes to wear to school. CAll his father and get him to come over and put this boy over his knee. If you get dad to back you on this, that will put an end to the "go live with my dad" threat.

This has gotten way out of hand. It's time for you to take control of this situtaion before he does something to wreck his life. He will thank you for it later.

Take the xbox away and anything else he values. He thinks it's boring now, just wait until you thrust a scrub brush in his hands and tell him to clean the toilet and when he's done with that, he can start on the shower and sweep the floor.

Tell him that he won 't get anything back, no driving lessons and he will do chores until his fingers bleed until he learns to speak to you respectfully.

I would also speak to the school counselor for advice. He might need counseling for anger management.

I know that your gut reaction may be to assert your authority and show him who's boss etc. but I would urge you to not go there yet. When you have an hour free, get him in the car and go for a drive. The car is a great place to talk - he can't go anywhere but doesn't have to look at you. See if you can have a heart-to-heart. Let him know that you don't like the way your relationship with him is going right now, that you cannot continue to let him disrespect you and that you want to get to the bottom of things and find out what he's so angry about. He's directing his anger at you because you are the safest target. Apologize for the threat to send him to his father's house and let him know that that isn't even an option. Remind him that you are his mom, you love him no matter what and always will. That you want what's best for him and going around being surely and enraged is obviously a sign that something is bothering him. And let him talk. And listen to him. Let him know that the goal is to have a balanced relationship with mutual respect, where he knows that his is loved and has a voice in the family. That you want him to continue to be able to earn the privileges he enjoys, like video games and driving (and a cell phone etc.) but that if needed, you will restrict those things until his behavior changes.

See how he reacts...if he gives no ground, I would suggest counseling for both of you. Unfortunately as kids get older, it's harder and harder to "control" them with external threats and pressure. You may end up in a battle of wills where both sides end up upping the ante until he does leave the house, and then you have even less influence and control. Because that's not the end goal, I would avoid making this a battle of wills and try instead to connect with him and find out what's going on. I have known many teenage boys who have locked into battles of will with parents that led to them moving out and into much more destructive situations. This spelled freedom for the kids and torture for the parents. I would steer clear of this road.

The most important thing to do is to get your own feelings under control so that you don't fight back. Do not argue with him. Walk away if necessary, telling him you'll deal with him later.

I just found a book, recommended by someone on Mamapedia, entitled Stop Arguing With Your Kids by Michael P. Nichols. I've just started reading it and it's talking about a technique called responsive listening. It talks about ways to respond to your child so that they feel heard and thus helping to eliminate the angry response. It will take time to master the skill and to change the dynamics and I suggest it's well worth the effort.

Responsive listening is similar to the way How to Talk So Your Kids Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish describe. I've used their advice and found it to work not only with my grandchildren but also with my adult daughter.

The xbox has to go for now. Let him know that once he starts to respect you he can have it back and if he keeps acting this way things will disappear one by one. Stick to it.

Im sure alot of us grew up with out all of the technology and we all are just fine. We found things to do so it wasn't so "boring". My son tried acting this way and we took everything away. After about a week or two of hell listening to his mouth and attitude he figured out I wasn't budging and he made it worse by doing it. He got really sick of chores to fill the time he wasn't. I honestly stood behind him and washed the dishes with his hands to make him do it. Its hard, even though he is 15 he is already stronger ( and taller) than I am... but I did my best. He got the point. We found the more he was outside playing basketball in the driveway or doing things that helped the family ( cleaning, babysitting etc) with out receiving a penny for it the more he began to respect us. It didn't happen over night... this was about 6 months.

My son did have under lying issues of his dad cutting him out of his life 100% and our divorce and counseling did wonders! I took 3 different counselors to see through his bull and lies and perfect life and twists that I was the one blowing it out of proportion... but once we found one that seen through it they were able to get him to open up about the real problem and help him heal.

I now have a very grateful respectful son that I knew was in there all along. Trust me it was very hard to get to this point! There was a lot of fighting and yelling ( one can only be pushed so hard before they snap! walking away isn't always going to happen... we are human). My son started to get very physical with me... I had many bruises and he even broke my finger once. Although I didn't want my son to be sent away.. I have called the cops on him. Thankfully we do live in a small town and the cop is about helping.. he sat down with me and my son and told my son what will happen if he keeps it up. The described all of the options.. the good and the bad sides of all them. I sat him down and told him that I do not want him to leave, it would break my heart and I would feel like a failure as a mom if I did. But I was also looking out for my family and the other 4 kids that was starting to pick up on his actions.. mainly the 3 & 4 yr old. I needed to do what was best for everyone and I wouldn't have one person disrupt our family no matter who it was. It wasn't fair to the other kids watching him act this way every day. They were scared of him. I showed him the program that I thought was best match for him and let him know that he needed to figure out what he wanted. I didn't threaten him with it... he knew I was ready to follow through with it if things didn't change. So that tough love combined with a good counselor helped save our family.

Good luck its really hard!! I hope things get better really soon for all of you.

Oh... if it was me: there goes the x-box, the TV and all other privileges he may have. Cell Phone: gone, Driving lessons: gone, Ipod, computer, money: bye bye!
Voila, the return of parental authority. Now he can come home straight from school every day and start earning privileges back slowly.

One more thing to consider: he is 15, sometimes a change of pace (aka moving in with dad) is helpful. Even though your ex may be disney dad on weekends, I strongly doubt that he would put up with that kind of behavior for a very long time. And once your son has figured out that the grass isn't really greener with dad, he may be back sooner that you think.

Whatever you decide, I also agree that you should get help. Living with a sibling that is battling mental illness is very hard for teens and counseling would be good for all three of you. Contact his school counselor for resources...
Good luck

Don't threaten to send him away - that tells him that you don't unconditionally love him (even if that's not what you mean). He needs your love and support NOT your authority. Don't yell back - just walk away if you need to, don't feed his "fire" of rage.

I agree with J.B., and with talking to the school counselor and in family counseling/counseling for him. It sounds like he is directing his anger at you because you're a safe person to vent it in--but that doesn't make it okay.

My 15 year old niece is going through a tough time. She blames her mom for things that are not her fault and she just resents her. They have been divorced for around the same amount of time. My sister has taken her to therapy, and they both go. It has helped somewhat. Your son may blame you for the past: Divorce, issues with older sister... I would suggest sitting down and talking to him as calmly as possible. Tell him that you are sorry for yelling, but he really hurt you. I would explain that he can't treat you this way. If it gets bad, just walk away and tell him you guys will talk about this when you both can talk without yelling. I am sorry this is happening, I know second hand that this is so hard. I will be thinking and praying for you. Sorry I did not have any solid advice

Xbox would be GONE when he got home from school. He doesn't get driving lessons until his behavior improves. I feel that video games and driving is a PRIVALIGE not a right. My kids could not drive until they could pay for the increase in my insurance and pay for their own gas. And we never had video games in our home.

Don't use your ex as a punishment. Even if their dad is a Disneyland dad and a jerk they need to see him as a parent and not punishment. Besides if he does not usually back your ideas and or disipline he could trash you to him furthering your already unstable relationship with your son.

You weren't wrong to suggest having him stay with his father. It might actually do him some good and help them to bond. Talk to their dad first though.

"Daniel, I know that when we argued I brought up staying with your Dad as a punishment and I was wrong to do that. The more I think about it, the more I realize that not having had your Dad in your life might not have been so beneficial for you and I think it would be wonderful if you and your Dad could spend more time together. What would you think if I told you that your Dad and I have talked about this and want to try out having you stay with him for a while? You can come visit here every other weekend (or whatever schedule works) and we can get some one on one time and you can spend time with your brother too. What do you think?"

You do not need Total Transformation. You need to take the XBox away, stop taking him for driving lessons and get out a big poster board. And write on it in large letters. THESE ARE MY RULES.
Now, barring the possibility that he has a condition that creates his defiance and rage (in this case we will call it teenagerdom), there are others like you said of your daughter or my son's manic depression, which is by the way controllable with meds and some therapy, but let's just say all is your well with your son other than he is experiencing those ever too familiar hormones most highschool boys have. So back to the POSTER BOARD> you write on it and stick to your own rules also. There is nothing more difficult than making rules we cannot stick to ourselves.
This is not acceptable, throwing expensive things is not acceptable and swearing while common is also not acceptable. He needs to use some good judgment. And as far as Dad goes, why you are calling him into this this late in life is probably (sorry, kind of confused myself so I imagine fifteen year old is, too) well, unless you have good reason, leave him out of it. You have more control than you think. You need to call friends, or others, not a wishy washy ex husband and feel empowered yourself otherwise you are on a self defeating roller coaster. Next to middle schoolers, toddlers and fifteen year olds are tough. AND TELL HIM THIS: if you think you can toss a tiny controller on the floor like that DO YOU SERIOUSLY THINK I WILL LET YOU DRIVE MY CAR ANYWHERE? How dangerous could that be? Good luck Good luck and a great big hug!

Good Morning Stressed Out Mom- I am so sorry you are experiencing such craziness in your own home. Sometimes, when grounding and removing items does not work and you feel as if you have lost control, it is best to put them out. I know other mothers will probably resent my answer. You may also wish to try counseling as many employers (larger) offer some type of confidential assistance. I believe a mother only has to take so much. As I am sure you were pretty much at your wits end when dealing with your daughter. Life should not get harder but easier. If your son can tell you to go to your room, it is time to stop being so nice and understanding and probably making excuses. The next time a rule is not followed, tell him he can pack his THIT and get out. You can also provide him with the option of paying the mortgage, electric, gas, food, insurances, bills. You are the only one paying bills in YOUR house so why is a kid who is using your electricity in a room you are paying for...being the parent??
Please forgive me as it is still early, but I am remembering my own experiences.

BTW any of you with young children that don't want to work with your husband or that have been advised to NOT work with your husband to prevent divorce, READ THIS QUESTION AND THE PROBLEMS THIS POOR LADY IS DEALING WITH. These are in part directly related to the divorce and the tearing apart of a family.

Now my reply:

BORING! Life can be so BORING! Especially when all our whims are catered to. Go Ina G. You've got it right! So did Tracy K.

When my children were little and starting puberty, everything was "So UNFAIR ! ! ! Then things became so BORING ! ! ! ! when they didn't like my reaction to "unfair". They they didn't like the things I had for them to do because they were so bored either. It also happened when they were teasing because they couldn't find anything else to do.

What did I do? Well, you've heard that "idle hands are the devil's workshop". My kids pulled weeds, washed the dishes, cleaned their room, read a book and did a book report, planted a garden, cleared brush, washed windows, cleaned out my BBQ grill, cleaned the bathroom, especially the toilet and tub rubbed their mom's feet and mine too if they were still bored after rubbing their mom's feet, cook dinner, and I could go on, but you get the point. Oh, I forgot mention, wash and wax the car. ;~))

I never tolerated back talk or profanity in my home. If my kids used profanity, I would burn the garbage out of their mouthes. They had to hold one teaspoon of tobasco sauce in their mouthes for 60 seconds, and then they could do what they wanted with it. Swallow it or spit it out. Their choice. I still don't have any kids that use profanity. And my kids must have told their spouces because they don't use profanity in our house either.

I wish you luck in dealing with this bad behavior. You have my prayers and best wishes.

Childrens rights. They have a right to have a roof over their head, clean clothing everyday, access to hygiene, somewhere to sleep at.night, and an adult who loves them take.care of them until they can take care of themselves. So no threats of where they will reside. The items of the offending child packed away, xbox is now in your room along with the Tv and a lock. Cable removed from all TVs except maybe one. He gets to sit diwn with you no yelling. Let him know he will follow house rules, he is now responsible for washing all dishes and cleaning bathrooms, washing all floors, he will not be driving until further notice using his phone, or any electronic items, he can do his homework or read a book. He may not leave the home or have friends over. When and only when he shows a pattern or respect and responsibility will you lighten up, until then say I am your mom and love you and will painfully get you to adulthood beung a decent human being.

I can understand why you're a bit frightened. The truth is, he's 15 years old, a boy, and apparently has picked up on the no respect behavior from his father.

I don't think you were out of line telling him he may be packing and leaving for dad's house. That may very well be where he ends up. I always feel sorry for mothers of teenaged boys, especially those with anger issues. It gets to the point where they know that they're bigger and they're stronger so what are you going to do.

One poster said something about holding tobasco sauce in their mouth for 60 days. Thing is, if you tell him to do that and he says "no", in reality what are you going to do? You certainly don't want to turn it into something physical, so then what do you do?

If he speaks to you disrespectfully again or if he causes you to feel fear, pack him up and move him to dad's house. You do not have to live in fear and he needs to learn that he's not holding all the cards and YOU have choices!

By the way, he definitely would not be driving my car!