January 29, 2010,
A.H. asks from Huntington, WV on May 10, 2007
Disrespectful 13 Year Old
what can i do about my 13 year old being disrespectful to me and everyone else?
So What Happened?™
well i have grounded her and we had some shouting at each other and in the end as it stands right now we have come to terms with each other. i will keep everyone updated on all of this.
H.F. answers from Lafayette on May 10, 2007
I definitely don't want to be cynical, because that's not what you need right now. I just wonder what you changed about your style of parenting between the two children, because if you didn't change anything, then it's no wonder your 13-year-old is behaving in a similar fashion. Now, to the present.
You need to be strict and consistent. Consistency is the key. Do not tolerate disrespect. Figure out what your child LOVES--sports, TV, the computer, Play Station, the phone, sleepovers, vacationing, or whatever. The next step is to TAKE THAT MESS AWAY when your child acts up and DO NOT give it back until your child behaves. For instance, you tell your child, "I want you to clean you room." Your child yells, "I don't want to!" You say, "If your room is not cleaned in one hour, you are NOT watching any television for two days (or whatever)." If it's not cleaned, keep your word; otherwise, your child will continue to play you.
I think 13 is too old for spankings, but I think taking away privileges is the KEY, because they need to know that you are in charge and that you will not tolerate disrespect. Empty threats will only make it worse, and I'm not even kidding.
Let me know if you want to talk anymore.
1 mom found this helpful
S.D. answers from Indianapolis on May 11, 2007
When you go to bed tonight, pray you wake up 6 years in the future? lol
No really, she's thirteen and testing her limits. Teenagers are little bitches, there's no way around it. If she gets out of line, take away small things like the phone for any non-homework-related calls, TV other than the news, etc...If she continues to do things that are harmful to herself or others, ground her for a while. Make sure you are consistant and follow through on threats or she will learn to walk all over you when she's 16 and thinking about sex and durgs/alcohol.
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J.C. answers from San Antonio on January 29, 2010
Hello all I am a 41 year old divorced Dad with sole custody of my daughter its been a little over 5 years since we have been alone. It seemed that her elementry years were great if something came out of her mouth I knew it was the truth. As soon as middle school started 6-8 things really changed I tried to keep her in fasion and make adjustments in clothes she had a cell phone and then thinngs seemed to have taken a change for the worse. She kept telling me she wanted to change schools and its so hard you they just dont make exceptions unless something extreme has happened. Well, it started off with passing notes and me finding notes hidden missing work lying about turning assingments the boys came into the picture some of the more popular crowd of which she wanted to be part of seem to take hold and in some way she became very manipulative to get what she wanted. She had a My Space account and I was keeping and eye on it then the things I saw posted were unreal from other kids and the language used by her and her friends was shocking since I dont use that language here at home. Before I could copy this she called someone and had them delete her accounts. I took her Tv and Dvd and phones away and no more sleep overs and these things just did not seem to phase her. She recently stole 2 phones and I wanted to know why and would not say anything she got 4 spnakings and still covered up what and where they came from until finally she gave in and said she took them cause she wanted to text so we went to school and since it had been over a month and the phones being valuable the parents pressed charges so now I have a court date on the 1st of this month to find out what they will do to her and she just does not seem to care. So after that she had someone call CPS on me and they came over and I told them what happened and was told I didnt do anything wrong and my record cleared. She keeps telling me she hates me and does not want to live here and wants not rules and to be able to to do what other kids are doing. I keep telling her follow the rules dont do these things and you wont be in trouble. Well, with in the past month I got a call again from the VP at school that she was in trouble for passing notes I explained to him that the school had a dbl standard how some teachers allow it and others dont so I really wasnt to upset about it. Well, she called me and said she was going to math tutoring and every time she does she brings the note of what time shes there and then released with no problem well this day she was late and I showed up at school and found out she took off from school with some boy and I only know him by first name and knew he lived somewhere down the block. Some young lady in the class had his # and called and said I was looking for them and he hung up on her then the teacher told her to call again and then they still would not say where they were at I finally got her on the phone and told her she needed to tell me now where she was and why would she leave and still nothing she refused to tell me and the boy wouldnt either. So she said she would start walking home and I told her she had better be there before I got home. Well, of course no sign of her and I finally tracked this kids house down and I came so close to calling the police but felt bad about getting them involved well, she was there and his parents were there and it took some time before they answered the door and apparently told them she didnt want to come home because she knew she was in trouble and was scared to be spanked or to be beaten. Well, after we got home we did discuss what punishments she was going to have and after an hour or so she did get her 3 spankings for lying again and not wanting to tell me the truth again. So now again she had someone call CPS again and the only way I found out was I found an area downstairs where she was hiding food that she didnt want to eat or make I found folders with all the bad grades and missing work that never made it to her teachers and she assured me it was turned in then I found about 80 notes that had all sorts of things written on them from sexual comments to kids somoking in school and her having to cover for them and carry there lighters for them so they would not get caught. So when she got home I showed her why she was destroying the school property I bought her and then I found a hidden area and more notes came out and then I found the form where CPS pulled her out of class to explain why she ran away and hid in this boys house and then closet so I am not sure if this kid did this with his family or if he just did it because of what my daughter told him. You know this is getting so old I am working on trying to get her the help from and AFB and have talked to people to have this in the works of getting help but its a slow process. I have worked and grew up never disrespecting my family especially my parents and didnt get in trouble like this plus after close to 20 years in the Army never got in trouble and expect respect to be given and returned and when these kids show this type of disrespect makes me wonder if I am just making a big deal or should keep on her and let her know that her way will not happen as I am doing. If anyone has any good Ideas I welcome them all thx.
S.C. answers from Fort Wayne on May 11, 2007
Have you considered family therapy or possibly parenting classes? I only ask because you've been down this road before. There are lots of resources in the community that can help you at a minimun cost. If that's not something you want to consider, then you need to be really strict on the discipline. Sometimes taking away things works and sometimes it doesn't. It never did for me. I would just find a way to sneak whatever it was that had been taken away. You need to find what works for you and stick with it. I can guarantee that yelling and screaming WILL NOT work. Teenagers can just tune that out. Plus it'll just piss both of you off. I wish you the best of luck. Hopefully things will work out for you.
K.L. answers from Fort Wayne on May 11, 2007
just curous, is she or the oldest in counseling? that may help wonders. either daughter may not feel comfortable talking to u about what is makin them tic right now. idk the full circumstances, i am only goin on what i have read. just monitor everything they do, be consistant, and send them both to counseling. see if that helps. keep in touch w/me on how things r going.
E.M. answers from Louisville on May 11, 2007
hold on tight its just the beginning
J.K. answers from Lexington on May 14, 2007
I don't have any experience with teenagers myself, but I just had to reply to this post as it brings back so many memories of what I went through with my mom when I turned 13. As she puts it, 'it happened overnight', I went from being her sweet little girl to a bratty teenager that never listened. We went through a lot of really bad times over the next 4 years. What seemed to help the most with me was:
1.) Counseling (my parents were separated & divorced during the same timeframe)
2.) Grounding - no friends, no phone, no TV, etc. (just make sure she doesn't sneak out)
3.) Rules that were set in stone (no changing the rules, no giving in)
Even though it may seem horrible right now, even if she tells you she hates you, it will work out. My mom and I are now the best of friends, I honestly believe that everything we went through brought us closer. Good luck! :o)