40 answers

Disowning Mother and Sister and Need Words of Wisdom

I have been very close to my mother most of my life until about 5 yrs ago when she changed drastically b/c her husband died. She is bitter, jealous, negative, and lies all the time. She spoils my nephew and doesn't spend much time at all with my children...this has caused so much stress between my sister and I that we have not spoken in two years. Recently my mother lied a big lie, one that really hurt me deep. Now, I have cut it off with my mother. I cannot have this stress in my life or around my children. She seems ok with it and has actually told more and more lies just during this process. I think she doesn't even know she is doing it anymore. She really needs professional help but does not realize, or want to realize that she has issues. I am done. My issue is that I feel like such a bad person to cut off my mother. I almost feel no love for her anymore and just can't stand to be around her. I have the memories of our closeness so I feel that I should have some sort of obligation to her...but I truly have a strong dislike for her. Has anyone gone through a similar situation and can anyone give me words of wisdom or advice to make this easier for me? I am depressed, angry, stressed, etc I have a wonderful life with my husband and children but am not happy lately and they are noticing. It is not an option to make ammends, I just need words to be able to move on. Thanks in advance.


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So What Happened?™

Oh ladies, I cannot believe how many of you sent me words of wisdom and caring thoughts! The only other time I asked for advice was on potty training and I only got two responses....but with this, you moms have really come through! I realize that I was not able to give all of the info that is going on in my short email but for the most part your advice was right on. I have ordered books that were suggested, I have started counseling with a church member last week and set up weekly meetings, I have not responded to any of her rude emails and b/c of this, she has asked for her key back, her safe deposit box key, and now returned my children's car seats...guess that means she is not planning on seeing her grandchildren again. Apparently my mums the word is angering her. She truly is a miserable woman and truly needs help but will NEVER admit it. She is so insecure and so unhappy that she would never admit to me that she needs help. She has made it clear that I think b/c I have found happiness that I think I am better than everyone else. I will sit back, stay quiet, and make sure that I am the best mom I can be. I am changing my family tree! I know that my mother will need me some day, even if it is in her elderly years. I hope she can make good before that time. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Everyday is getting easier...it all feels like a bad dream....soon I will be ok. W.

More Answers

W., I am going to ask some hard questions. What would you feel and how would you cope if you mother and sister died today? Do you have closure? Would you feel at peace with your choices?

I didn't see a single other response who spoke about the death of a disowned parent. My Father made decisions that deeply hurt my family and unfortuntately we were not speaking when he died. I had always hoped we would reconcile, but he was not an a point where he was able to admit his mistakes and apologize when he had a massive heart attack. It was a struggle to cope with the lose ends that were left..I'm not a normally depressed person, but this has been a challenge for me, even now after 5+ years.

I don't think toxic people should define us or hold us emotionally hostage, but I only want you to explore all sides of your situation.

Best of luck to you.

5 moms found this helpful

It is hard for people who don't have these issues to understand a child cutting out a parent. Your mother and mine sound very similar. I tried everything and at some point, you have to protect you and your family and just provide a good example to your children.

I understand and support removing negative influences.

5 moms found this helpful

I'm sorry that I don't have any words of advice because I've never been in your situation. However you are in my prayers. All I can offer to you is you need to forgive your mother. That doesn't mean you speak to her or she even plays any role in the forgiveness (doubtfully she'll even ask for it). You need to firgive her and let go of the pain and heartache she has caused you and move on with your life, happily. Maybe someday she can be a part of your life but right now it just won't work for you. If you are a Christian, there is a great book that helps walk you through the forgiveness process (I did it in a bible study). It's called "Companions in Christ: the Way of Frogiveness" by Marjorie Thompson. I hope this can help you out. My best to you.

4 moms found this helpful

We naturally have expectations of love and responsibility from our family--especially from our parents. But sometimes the people who let us down the most in life are the very ones who, by definition of title (mother, father, sister, brother), should be there for us when the rest of the world is crashing down. Maybe one day you can reconnect with your mother and sister, but for now it sounds like the healthiest thing you can do for yourself and your family is to create distance. You can't control what your mom and sister do, but you can control your own life. It will no doubt still be painful, and I would suggest seeking counseling to help you heal and move on. Perhaps your mother does have some mental issues that need to be dealt with, but I think first you need to take care of yourself. Then maybe you'll be in a place where you can attempt to help your mom. I've said a prayer for you and your family.

4 moms found this helpful

Hi W.

My husband and I have gone through this very recently. It was my Mother in Law, but we still had to make the decision to close her out of our lives for a lot of the same reasons you are stating here. It was harder for me, than for him. I think as females we want to always make things right. If you decide to cut her out of your life you will need to be strong and hold to it. Going back and forth between will only hurt you more. You have to decide to make the best of it and live with it, or cut her out completely. It was a very hard decision for us. We even tried to meet with his mom and work things out. We said that we needed to be honest and truthful during our meeting. She said some very nasty vicious things to my husband. We decided that if she truly felt that way about him/us then we didn't need that kind of negatively in our life. It was causing us tooo much stress. We did not want our kids to hear lies coming from her mouth about us. We did it to protect our kids more than us. She also treated grandchildren very unfairly. I am not telling you what to do, but maybe try meeting her with a "mediator" which is what we did and see what transpires and then make your final decision. I will be thinking about you and your decision.

4 moms found this helpful

Hi W.-I feel your pain. My father and I do not speak. Long story that I'll spare you of but we were very close and this happened about 8 yrs. ago. It takes time. For several years I tried everything to just keep in touch. I sent pictures and cards, letters of just updates of my life. With always no response. Even no response to my marraige or children born. I feel that he feels the guilt and he is the one missing out. He's the one not getting to see his grandchildren grow up.
You have to think of you children and husband first. They will be there when you mother and sister are not. But, I do recommend not cutting off completely. Send B-day card, Christmas cards, pictures of kids, etc. just occasionally and let them decide if they would like to reply.
Best wishes!

4 moms found this helpful

Dear W.,

I have had similar trials with parents.

I was given a prayer...I say it every time I
am upset with them or anyone, including myself...

It is;

I love you

I am sorry or I apologize

Please forgive me

Thank you or I am grateful

I know it sounds like you are to blame, but not true!!!
You are connected with them and this is a forgiveness system I can handle and many others. I say it until I forget to. I use it daily! For everything and everyone...

It has worked miracles as I let go and Let God fix these problems...

Best of luck to you!


4 moms found this helpful

I don't know if this will help or not. My mother has always treated me different from my 3 sisters and 1 brother. She thinks my brother and youngest sister walk on water and can do nothing wrong. She will lie in a heartbeat to get a fight started and my sisters are the same way. After my parents divorce 2 years ago, which was a major relief, my mother became worse. I used to be close to my 3 sisters, but finally realized that they were just using me and causing me untold stress. The last time I spoke with my mother, she was just being nosy wanting to know why my husband, who is retired/disabled was doing at our local gunshop. She didn't ask me how I was doing, or even ask about my son. It took me a long time to realize my mother blames me for things I have no control over, and used me to clean and babysit for her, so she wouldn't have to pay a babysitter. When I left to join the military at 17, her and my youngest sister got angry and still to this day blame me for leaving. Even though I was doing something to better myself.

I do not think you would be wrong to cut off all contact with her. If she is making your life miserable and doesn't see she needs professional help, then the only thing to do for your sanity is to cut off contact. You can't force her to get help. Sometimes you have to do what is best for you and your family, even if it means letting your mother and sister go. Also prayer does help, if you believe. I know it may sound crazy, but I talk to God when I have no one else to talk to. I have a great and fantastic Mother-in-law who is my mama, and my husband supports me in whatever I choose. It doesn't get any easier, but the peace of mind is better.

London, KY

3 moms found this helpful

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