22 answers

M.W. asks from Columbia, TN on March 30, 2011

Disneyland Trip... Should I Let Her Go?

My 9 year old has a friend who invited her to go to Disneyland. I fully trust the girls parents, so that's not an issue. The problem is that I was planning on taking all the kids this summer for the first time in their lives. It's going to be a surprise, but I guess I will have to let the cat out of the bag if I deny her the chance to go. I have 2 issues. The first is kind of selfish... I want to be the one who takes them for the first time. I want those memories for myself, not for the other girl's parents. I don't think it's too horrible to want this, but hubby says that it's not much of a reason not to let her go. Second, the girl's second choice is a girl I know would not otherwise be able to go. So if my niece stays home, this girl gets the chance to go. Her family is not in a financial position that they are able to do vacations, so I'm sure it would mean a lot to the other girl. I told my niece that I would think about it... Hubby thinks I should let her go. He thinks it would be a great pick-me-up for her. (She is still a little depressed after some bullying she went through...) He also says that if the girl who invited her chose my niece, it isn't fair to make her stay home so someone else can go. What do you mommas think?

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So What Happened?™

She's my niece, but I consider her my own because I have had custody of her and her siblings for quite a while. I don't differentiate between them and my own child, so sometimes I slip and call her my daughter. The family that would be taking her are close family friends, and we have taken each other's kids on vacation before so going out of state really isn't an issue for us. I would love to be able to make this a huge outing like one poster suggested, but they will be going next month, while we will be going closer to the end of the summer. Neither one of us are going to be able to change our dates. I'm thinking we will go with the idea of letting her in on our secret, tell her how much we think it would mean to the other girl, and let her make her decision. She is a very concientious person, so I'm sure she will choose to go with us. If not... well, that plan backfired and I will let her go. :) Thanks for your thoughts!

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C.W. answers from Santa Barbara on March 30, 2011

I guess I am in the minority here.....I say let her go. She can't have too many wonderful experiences. I'm in California and my daughter's great friend lives in Rhode Island. I have let her fly there solo many times and she has gone on trips with her family. I couldn't imagine denying her a trip to New York at Christmas time. I would love to be there for all of her "firsts" but I would rather she have those experiences. Hubby is right....she could use the special time.

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L.M. answers from Dover on March 30, 2011

You live in TN. I would not let her go to Florida or CA with another family especially if I was going to take them this summer. I just would not be comfortable with her going without it being family.

On the other hand, you could let her go and then she will have the friend experience with her friend and the family experience with you.

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M.H. answers from Raleigh on March 30, 2011

I agree with Page. There is an opportunity for another little girl who wouldn't be able to go. That would be all I needed to hear (especially since you are going this summer). If you feel the need to explain things to your niece, then share the secret with her and have her help in the planning. She will feel even more special, knowing something her siblings don't, and another child will have the opportunity of a lifetime!

P.S. In 7th grade I had the opportunity to invite a friend along on a weekend ski trip. I really wanted my best friend to go, but explained to her that I was inviting another close friend. This close friend would have never been able to go skiing, while my best friend went every year. The close friend, to this day, still talks to me about how sweet it was that I took her and how grateful she is/was. I'm still just so grateful that I had the insight (with my mom's guidance) to think about someone other than myself! You will definitely be doing the right thing!

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L.S. answers from San Francisco on March 30, 2011

We are getting ready for a family trip to Disneyland this weekend to celebrate three of our birthdays. My favorite thing about getting reading is talking about all the great memories we have made together as a family, especially on our first trip...so I would say tell her that you have plans in the works and let the other girl go. I don't think it is being selfish at all.

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P.W. answers from San Francisco on March 30, 2011

I think if you have plans to go to Disneyland soon, and that other girl, the second choice, would not otherwise be able to go, then I think you should tell your daughter that the kind thing to do is let the other girl go.

It's more important that your daughter learn the lesson of kindness than that she goes to Disneyland twice.

However: If the other girl were not going to go in your daughter's place, I would say that your daughter should go. Your daughter will enjoy Disneyland just as much with you, the second time around. You don't need to be there for her "first" time.

But let the other girl go.

Ladies, I love you but, why doesn't anybody care about the poor little girl whose family can't afford it?

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R.. answers from Chattanooga on March 30, 2011

I would keep her home. Maybe you could tell only her about the trip you are planning, and she can help you 'plan' things to do. I'm sure she will get a kick out of helping you surprise everyone else. :)

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A.S. answers from Spokane on March 30, 2011

I'm with Megan C. on this one. I would want to share those first time memories too! Just make an excuse why she can't go. She'll be upset for a while but she'll get over it. Especially when she discovers you're taking them this summer. If the alternate girl really wouldn't be able to do anything like this on her own, and since you're planning on taking your niece later anyway, I'd just bow out on this one. She doesn't have to do everything! :) I understand perfectly your husband wanting to do something really nice for her after the rough time she's been through, but it definitely doesn't have to be this.

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M.B. answers from St. Louis on March 30, 2011

I agree with you, I think its a family trip you all should experience together.

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K.I. answers from Los Angeles on March 30, 2011

I would want to have her first trip to Disneyland be with me, sorry...I guess I am selfish too!

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L.M. answers from Dover on March 30, 2011

You live in TN. I would not let her go to Florida or CA with another family especially if I was going to take them this summer. I just would not be comfortable with her going without it being family.

On the other hand, you could let her go and then she will have the friend experience with her friend and the family experience with you.

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C.M. answers from Chicago on March 30, 2011

My husband's parents wanted to take his daughter to Disneyland when she was two. My husband was a newly-divorced single dad and couldn't get off work to go. He was torn, he wanted to take her (he had never been to Disney World himself!) but he also wanted her to have the experience so he let her go.

To this day he regrets it. He believes that Disney is one of those things that it's the parent's job to take their child and see their faces light up at all the Magic. Now, granted she was two, but she still kind of remembers it.

We went not too long ago as a family. It turned out fine because it was so long ago that his daughter went, she went to Disney Land and we went to Disney World, and things have changed a lot since then. She got to experience Epcot, Animal Kingdom and Hollywood Studios. So it was like it was all new.

However, if you are planning on taking your daughter/niece later this year then it wouldn't be as magical with her going with her friend. So let the other girl take a different friend. It's not selfish.

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M.C. answers from Pocatello on March 30, 2011

you don't have to ruin your surprise... just tell your 9 year old that you'll be busy then, and maybe sometime in the future she'll get to go!

Letting the other girl go instead really is a nice thing to do! A trip to Disneyland is one of those special experiences, and in this situation- everyone will win. Your neice will get to go, she'll just have to wait a little bit. Maybe you can do something smaller to make her feel better about the bullying in the mean-time- maybe make some plans on a smaller scale that week! Could you arrange a fancy spa day with her (just girls)... where she could have a fun day and get a manicure and a pedicure and hair? or something else like that? You could just tell her that you cannot afford to send her to disney right now, and you don't want to make the other mother to pay for her... maybe "next time".

If she does go that is fine, but you are completely fair to want to have the "treat" of taking her to Disney yourself! If it was my child, i would want to take her myself too!

Good Luck either way!
-M.

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G.B. answers from Oklahoma City on March 30, 2011

I think I would just let the cat out of the bag and tell her you were planning a surprise trip this Summer and tell her how much it means to you that you do it together as a family. I am raising some of my grandkids and I would want to see their faces light up at the marvels they encounter. I want that for myself, not some other family who may not even notice what my g-kids are experiencing. I say have a family meeting about it and try to sway her to tell her friend she wants to go with her family.

If she is adamant about wanting to go with her friend...well, I would be the bad guy and say no. The trip is family time and going to stay that way at least for now.

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J.B. answers from Los Angeles on March 30, 2011

i would let her go. just because she goes this time doesnt mean it wont be as fun the next time. it will still be a super special time for her and you. my daughter at 3 was invited to go see the movie tangled in the theater. it was her first movie in a theater. yes that isnt as big as disneyland but there are other times to go. but ultimately its your and your husbands decision on if she goes or not.

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C.W. answers from Santa Barbara on March 30, 2011

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R.C. answers from Bakersfield on March 30, 2011

Agree, don't let her go. Just come up with an excuse and you can still keep it a suprise. Try to plan something that day so she's not so upset. Explain to the other girls parents your decision so they can come up with something to say to their daughter why she cant go. Disneyland for the first time is a great family memory and my daughter loves talkin about it even if its been 3 years (and she is 5).She might be upset with you but see if there are like any shows she would love to see that day.

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S.P. answers from Nashville on March 31, 2011

I would let her go. Give her the choice of waiting and/or letting the other girl go, but if she wants to go - let her. The first experience is wonderful, but so are each and every trip to Disney. Her trip with your family will be wonderful in and of itself. Maybe she can offer some ideas on secrets or great rides or things to be sure not to miss when you go as a family.

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D.B. answers from Charlotte on March 30, 2011

I would let the other girl go, based on the circumstance. And it's not important to keep this a secret. Let the cat out of the bag, and tell her that two people get to win by her going with you - she wins because she's going anyway, and the other girl gets to go who would otherwise not get to go.

It's the fair and right thing to do, in my opinion. I hope your daughter will see it that way.

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R.K. answers from Appleton on March 30, 2011

Why can't you all go together? Is it possible for your family to go at the same time as the other family and split the cost of the extra child who's family couldn't afford the trip? That way your daughter (neice) gets to share the fun not only with you but her friends too. I don't know if you can arrange the vacation time from your jobs but it's worth a phone call.

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E.M. answers from Louisville on March 31, 2011

if it was your alls 2nd or 3rd time i would say let her go but its her first and thats going to be the most magical trip to disney. i would say no you are going with the family. i noticed you said you are planning on going it sounds like you havent made the arrangements so why not go when her friend is that way you can have family time and let her be with her friends... is she your niece or your daughter???
ok i just read your what happened... i would say she should go with you. or you could let her make the call

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L.A. answers from Austin on March 30, 2011

I would tell her the secret and let HER decide. Then honor that decision.
She may want to go with the other girl jut because she is that age where going places with good friends is such a blast.

Or she may be like you and want to be with her own family to experience first. She will have fun keeping the secret from siblings and be able t discuss what she thinks you all will enjoy.

Discuss the other girl that would get this opportunity she otherwise would not get to go...

There is really no right or wrong choice and how fortunate your daughter is!

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S.H. answers from Phoenix on March 30, 2011

I wouldn't let her go either.....not if it was her first time there. I have let my son go with his cousin/aunt/uncle on vacation to places I know I would not be able to take the entire family....but we're talking disneyland and you will be going as a family soon anyway.

I do agree that a pick-me up would be fun, but maybe do something else with her.

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K.B. answers from Tulsa on March 30, 2011

Can you move your date up before her friends? I don't think the other girl should be a factor. How do you know the other parents will ask her and how do you know her parents would say yes? We have found many parents don't want their children to start going to expensive places because they can't afford to keep it up.

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D.G. answers from Chattanooga on March 30, 2011

Wait is this YOUR daughter or NIECE? you state both at different times. I say let the girl who parents can't afford it go instead. And if its your niece why can't her parents decide?

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