Disinterested Grandmas

First, I am so sorry for your situation.
As someone who grew up with little to no regular communication/relationship with my grandparents, I didn't realize what I was missing, so I just thought it was normal.
For your daughter's sake, I think you just need to accept it and go on. They will not change and your daughter will not know the difference.
Again, sorry for your situation. I wish it were different for you.
R.

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I wouldn't worry too much about it. Find other people that they can be close too. Aunts, uncles, (godmother, godfather, etc) good friends of yours that they can rely on and feel as though they are family. They won't feel like they are getting gypped at all especially if they have other close friends and family members.

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“Stepmom and the nonsense related to dividing up his estate”.

“Is this something I just need to accept”?

“Will kids feel gypped for missing out on grandparent relationships”?

I would forget about the stepmom relationship, your father has died and she’s moved on and evidently doesn’t care to maintain a close relationship with you. The fact that you mentioned “the nonsense of dividing up his estate” sort of indicated that there may have been some hard feelings one way or another regarding the estate. She may have felt after 25 years of marriage, that she should have had more control etc. Not knowing the details it’s just speculation.

Your husband’s mother may be one of the grandparents who are not so touch feely when it comes to small children. My own mother was a young mom and wasn’t crazy about becoming a young grandmother (the kids call her Nana) and was not too touchy feely. She loved the kids, but didn’t babysit very often or very long.

Flash forward 25 years, the grandkids now have kids and Nana is a great-grandmother. She’s been retired for a long time and lived in a gated community on the golf course for many years. This year she moved near us in order to be closer to her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

She can’t say enough good things about us and how fortunate she is to have such caring adult children and grandchildren. When it comes to the great-grandchildren, every little thing they do is something spectacular and wonderful and “there are no other little kids, cuter or smarter or more talented, etc, etc.” So I’m thinking that's why they call great-grandparents GREAT!

She is now very touchy feely with all of us. Calls often and attends every event large or small.

Don’t give up on your husband’s mom, keep sending her photo’s and cards from the kids. Let her be the one who decides when she wants to visit…she already knows she’s welcome.

Your children will not feel gypped unless you make the feel guypped….I have a feeling you will not.

Blessings…

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First of all, my condolences on the loss of your father.
My grandmother (recently deceased) was not a very warm person either. Never hugged, lived several states away, we emailed occasionally, she did not recognize my kids' birthdays (probably didn't know when they were), etc. She was just like this. Maybe a little self-centered, I don't know. She just wasn't very warm, though in her heart I know she loved her grandkids dearly. Some people are just like this & it sounds like you also realize this. Since yours is 3000 miles away, I don't think there is much more you can do...other than maybe getting one of those online cameras to talk to her via video online (which I know nothing about!).
About your step-mom, it sounds like after the difficult loss of your dad & maybe a stressful time dividing the estate, she may be feeling less of a connection with you. Maybe she is bitter about something? This sounds horrible, but maybe she is jealous your father left you something instead of her (so maybe she thinks he loved you more?). I'm just throwing that out there, of course I could be completely off base. Also, she probably is burnt out from caring for her biological grandkids. I would continue to work on this relationship. She is the main "hope" for your daughter to have a loving grandparent b/c the other is so far away. Maybe bring your daughter to her house more to lessen the stress on her, talk about how your daughter can't wait to see her, etc. Maybe plan an outing for the 3 of you. It sounds like this may pass after more time goes by, but you do need to work on it so she realizes it's that important to you. Good luck!

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Hi McKB,

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. It's a hard, sad one. We have a similar set of circumstances in our family: my husband's folks are across the US and my folks are a three hour trip away. I won't go into it, but suffice it to say, we haven't had visits from either party in the last year and a half. It's on us to visit them.

I think you are taking your stepmom at face value, and that's good. You sound like you really wanted your daughter to have relationships with both of these women and they have really failed your expectations in this. I think it's probably healthy to acknowledge this as a loss in some way, and even grieve for it if it feels right. From what you are describing, acceptance will eventually feel like a good place.

One thing which has truly helped me has been to foster relationships between those dear friends in my life who live nearby and my son. He has largely absent grandparents, but a phalanx of honorary Aunties who would do anything for their honorary nephew. My sisters all live in different towns, and the Aunties step in, offering to babysit or come over and play and hang out with us. I love how they just enjoy being with our boy, and I know that it's a special relationship for them too.

Family can be about surrounding our children with good, loving people without them necessarily being blood relatives.

One last thing--it is possible to appreciate grandparent relationships without necessarily experiencing them. I was never particularly close to my grandparents (and really didn't understand what I was missing), and yet I understand what my folks are trying to create when we do see them. (Even if it does mean too many sweets and a lot of leeway.)I adore the stories my husband tells about his grandfather, who he was very close to. We can learn from experiences other than our own.

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It's just sad. I too remember spending every Sunday dinner with one set of grandparents and the occasional dinner with the other set. Grandparents can be awesome!

My children have at least one set of grandparents who are semi-involved! The in-laws love my children when we drive to them 2 hours away! But I'll take it!

My father (divorced from my mother), meanwhile, has yet to meet my 3 and 1 year old sons. He doesn't even own a phone! And my mother, who lives an hour away makes empty promises about coming to visit - and she only works as a pediatric nurse (the irony) on the weekends!

Unfortunately, it's something that I've come to accept and not to expect! Just remember this when it's your turn to be a grandmother. That's what I do! I'm going to be the BEST grandmother in the whole world!!

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I understand just how you feel. This probably isn't what you want to hear, but I don't think there is anything you can do about it. If people aren't interested in having a relationship with your child they just aren't, and it's their loss. I feel like kids are really perceptive and family or not they can tell when someone genuinely wants to be with them or not. I would make sure that your daughter has strong healthy relationships with family or friends and don't worry about the grandmas.

Good luck!

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Maybe.

But hey--the nursing home are full of grandmas and grandpaps who never get a visitor.....why not look into that?

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ALL of my children's grandparents are this way, it does suck, but we've come to accept, like you are too. I don't why or how they can be this way, my Dad is by far the worst. He doesn't even acknowledge my kids when I come around, but I shouldn't be surprised, he was the same way with me and my sisters growing up.

Just don't let it bother you, your child won't feel left out growing up and hopefully will be a better Grandparent for it when their time comes. : )
The most important thing is the love you and Daddy give, that's what matters to your child the most, and what they'll remember the most.

Sorry you have to go through this too, but don't take it personal, some people are just weird! : )

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Well, I agree that it's sad for everyone if grandparents miss an opportunity to be really good grandparents, and for grandkids to enjoy that. However, some people really aren't into kids -particularly small kids. I know that sounds harsh, and these people all had their own (but given the circumstances may have then discovered they weren't all that into kids) -but some folks just aren't "kid" people -especially if it's not their kid (and this even includes grandchildren). With the MIL -she is a LONG way away, and it sounds like she's not terribly into her son's life and therefore his child's either. Ask him how she was growing up. Was she extremely warm and loving or colder and more impersonal?

With your stepmom, if you had a blow up over your father's estate, she's probably still nursing wounds. You also mention her biological grandkids and the fact she's watching them three times per week, so I think you're right -your child isn't her real grandchild (although it would be nice if she thought differently), you've had a disagreement, and she has her own grandkids.

I would accept the way these two are and just not worry about it any more. I had a biological granmother and grandfather on one side and a grandmother on the other. My grandmother was really into us, but she didn't really do anything crazy special about being involved in our lives, and she died when I was 13. My other grandparents just kind of liked to look at all of us from afar; visit a few times per year and that was that. They were visiting one time when it was my 5 year old piano recital and refused to go! My grandmother on that side is still alive, and she likes to hear from me, but she never has gone out of her way to have a relationship. Plenty of kids grow up with no grandparents at all, and they're just fine.

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My little brother never had any grandparents, but he did have a ton of amazing uncles/aunts/adopted relatives that have been amazing influences in his life. His mom is/was my stepmom. She and my dad had been together for 20+ years. He passed away three years ago, when my little brother was 14. I feel so much guilt that I have grandma's and had dad until I was older and had a child of my own (was pregnant with my son when he passed). But, you know he doesn't feel as bad about not having them as I do for him. He has amazing people in his life (me of course, just joking) that love him and are there for him no matter what!
My stepmom and I have had a major shift in our relationship also. We love eachother, but don't do a whole lot together anymore. She never comes to see the kids and she drops off christmas presents instead of staying for them to open them. She couldn't make it to my sons birthday, but didnt come by later to see him either. It is what it is though...I just accept it that its not the same. She has a hard time staying connected and reaching out.
Another thing: my kids never knew either of their great-grandfathers (both passed when I was pregnant with my first) and my daughter only knew her papa for less than 2 years. I feel so much guilt and sadness that they will not have these influencial men in their lives as I am who I am because of them. But I have to accept that is the way it is and give them everything I can inspite if it.
Your kids will grow up with amazing parents and a loving supportive extended family, whether they are the occassional grandmothers, or the adopted Nana that you borrow from your friend.
Sorry if this is rambling...you really hit me with this one. I feel like I could relate, maybe not the best at advice on the subject, but know that you are not alone. Do what you feel is best in your heart and know that your kids will not suffer if you show them nothing but love. Try not to dwell on grandma not being there and they wont know that isnt normal. Best of luck to you!

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I am a very interested and involved grandma. I have always been surprised by friends who barely take an interest in their grandkids. You cannot make someone fall for your daughter or spark their interest when there is none. Your stepmother is acting like a stepmother. I was so lucky since my mother's stepmother was a really interested in us once we were 7 years old. I think it was the intellectual connection. We knew she loved us even before we got old enough to be interesting conversationalists.
So this is what you can do.
Find an older woman who does not have grandchildren and likes you and your husband and your daughter. Adopt her as the grandmother and in that way your daughter will be given the love and wisdom of a grandmother. This means you will include her in your family birthday parties, and attend hers. Invite her for holiday dinners if she has Thanksgiving free. When you go to a ball game ask her to join you. Have her come for cook outs, movies and all else you might do with one of your mothers.
You don't say if you have a brother or sister as one of their in-laws might be willing to take on your children as their grandkids.

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It is wonderful that you and your husband were raised having a delightfully tender relationship with your grandparents but your children may not have that same experience. Your children won't feel gyppyed because it is hard to miss what you never had. Not all grandparents are great, warm and friendly informative people. Some are just cold, distant, and disinterested. Your disappoint comes from having expectations of people who are not able or possibly capable of delivering the kind of emotional attachment you want your children to have with them. Forgive them and move on.

If you were part of a church, perhaps your children could have that grandmotherly experience with someone there. I know some women at my church who are so incredibly grandmotherly to all of the kids there. It is just sweet to see, even when some of them are correcting the children's bad behavior.

Yes you need to accept what is just the way it is and then look at all of the relationships that are positive in your children's life and focus on them playing a more critical role than the disinterested grandma's.

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First, I am sorry that you have even have to go through this. As someone who has had to go through poor treatment from my own mother because she doesn't agree with the person I married, I can honestly understand what you are going through. It's sad and these women ought to be ashamed of themselves.

My advice to you would be to continue to let them know what's going on in your kids lives, but don't expect too much. You could take the route of confronting them but don't do so unless you are prepared for the drama that may ensue. If they change their ways..awesome! If not, it's not the end of the world. Your children may not have the same experiences you had, but may benefit from different experiences that will provide them with the same amount of love and a great life.

Prayers for you and and your family,

S.
The Workin Mama!

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I haven't read the other posts, so if this is repeated info sorry. We kind of had the same situation with my husband's parents. They were a little more involved, but not as much as I would have liked, especially during my pregnancy. They didn't really ask or show interest. My husband had to remind me that our children were there only grandchildren. He went on to explain that they weren't familiar with the role and expectations of grandparents. They come from a small disconnected family, and furthermore didn't have grandparents of their own. My son is 2 and my daughter is 3 mo. and as time goes by they get better at being grandparents. I came from a large close knit family and it was different. What my husband pointed out made sense and I spoke to my MIL (who took much longer than my FIL to feel comfortable as a grandparent) about this. She explained she knew how to be a mother, but grandmother was different. So maybe this is uncharted territory for them. Hopefully you and your husband can speak to them about it.
Best of luck to you and your family

I know the feeling. It's too awful for me to disclose here the way we were treated last Christmas. But yes, we just have to accept it the way they are. My baby is lucky, at least his grandparents on my side, and some close relatives (on dad's side) have shown him tremendous love and interest. But there are elders in the family who just aren't like that.

My advice is, look for elderly neighbors and friends in your area. There are people living alone in their old age who would love to have company around, especially kids.

I was happier with my grandma when I was kid,, than when I started living with just my parents and I rarely saw her. So yes, if you ask me, the kids will be missing something. But it will be fine if you and their dad stay together and give them all the love and attention their grandmas won't give. Good luck and congratulations!

Have you ever thought of perhaps befriending a older grandmother type person who would love your daughter unconditionally and incorporating that person in your lives so that your daughter has a grandma and/or grandpa albeit not related but it gives them stability. A neighbor, a friend's mom, or if you go to church a lot of older people are looking for companionship. It also gives you someone older who has gone through things that maybe you would like to talk things over with.

N.

First I want to say how sorry I am that this is your situation. I know that feeling you have, how it still stings, even though you know this is the way it is. It hurts because YOU would never do that. You would be genuinely happy for your family, want to be involved and help out where you can.

You do need to accept it and adjust without it. You say your stepmom is a bitter lady- then who needs her? Yes, she was part of your family for 25 years, but here is your opportunity to cut ties. You don't want a negative person who doesn't care about your children to spend time with them, do you? Buh-bye.

And your MIL? Here is your opportunity to break the cycle. My own MIL had a horrible MIL who treated her like garbage, constantly pitted other family members against her and never wanted to spend time with the grandkids. My MIL vowed to be a wonderful, loving MIL and she is. I really hit the jackpot.

Once you accept it and release the desire for these women to change, you will no longer feel the weight from the hurt. Well, maybe a little, but time does heal all wounds. When it comes down to it, your core family is who matters the most. And if they are happy and you are making sure that only people who have their best interest at heart get to spend time with them, then they will be very lucky kids.