24 answers

Discussion-Having Single Friends When Married

Mama's

How many of you believe you can not spend major time with single friends when you are married? If you feel this way what are your reasons and experiences.

This has nothing to do with any problems or issues. I just wanted to know how my mama's view the topic
Thanks

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So What Happened?™

Thank You Mama's for your input I think the below article sums everything up!

After complimenting her on being a great mother and girlfriend to a NBA player, he questions whether or not she undesrtood the work it requires to master being a wife.

"It's one wedding, one situation, one time.....are you a wife? Why are you not hanging out with married women who have been married for a long time? You can't be in the spirit of being married, hanging out with a bunch of single people. I'm not telling you to get rid of all of your friends but they are not in the same space that you are in," Tyrese told her.

LaLa felt the epiphanic slap and her response was, "After thinking about everything Tyrese said, he does make a lot of sense on lot of things. And marriage is definitely a big deal."

Is it a big enough deal to stop hanging around your single friends?Mr. Coca-Cola has a point, but his delivery was very extreme. When men or women decide to make the transition from single life to martial bliss they should be aware that some things will have to change. One of which, depending on who you are and who your friends are, may include changing who you hang with and who you choose to turn to for advice.

The single life brings a lot of relationship drama, instability and lessons learned. Most of us experience that period of our lives with friends that are there for us during our relationship highs and lows. Therefore, it isn't realistic nor is it fair to think as soon as you are engaged, all your single friends must walk out your life.

To evict people out your life based solely on their relationship status isn't right, but to surround yourself only with single friends can be just as faulty. Single people, no matter how long they have been a boyfriend and girlfriend, will not understand the marriage dynamic until they take the sacred oath themselves. Tyrese's point is that it would be beneficial to anyone on the verge of getting married to understand their are many things to learn from couples who already have jumped the broom and taken the plunge.

Whether you're in a relationship or not, when you're not married, you're acknowledged as "single." Single people, consciously or not, have a tendency to put their needs and wants first because - well, because they can. However, those who are married are held to legal and spiritual obligations that unite them. The needs and wants of one become the needs and wants of both. Not all of your single buddies will understand that, which is why it's imperative for anyone getting married to balance the company they keep.

Find yourself in a good space by balancing your time (when not spending it with you new wife/husband) with successfully married couples that you can learn from and single friends that respect the institution of marriage even if they are not in one. Balance is key -- unsuccessfully married couples can do plenty, if not more damage to the relationship than those who are single. Ultimately, a true friend is friend no matter his or her marital status.

Writer Shirea L. Carroll

Featured Answers

I find it hard to spend a lot of time w/ my single friends b/c we don't have a lot in common anymore. My life is so different than theirs. After dinner and a couple of drinks, I'm ready to go home and see my hubby and kids.

3 moms found this helpful

It's not a matter of believing I can't spend time with single friends.
I just don't want to.
Single friends are still hunting for mates and I've found mine.
The last thing they want to hear about is wedded bliss.
My husband and I were/are quite relieved to be done with dating other people.
Single friends do NOT want to hear about my kid, his school, his grades, his other activities. I'm centered on my family, and their eyes glaze over if they hear more than 2 minutes about it. Am I suppose to just sit there and listen to who thinks whose butt is cute (and then my eyes glaze over)?
We're just at different places in life, and have different interests now.

1 mom found this helpful

I don't have any issues with having single friends in general. I have had to distance myself from a couple girlfriends over the years because they only wanted to do the things we did together before I was married...barhopping, drinking etc

1 mom found this helpful

More Answers

I have been married for nearly 20 years and I have had numerous single friends. I have gone out dancing with my sister when she was single, it was a 50's place and everyone was dancing with everyone. I have gone on road trips with other moms that are single and my husband watched the kids...all 4, I have had single friends that were guys too...one is gay and the other 2 are just normal guy friends. We do stuff with my husband and the kids too. I think it has a lot to do with the security of my marriage, if I had wanted to date those guys before I married my husband I could have pursued it then, why would I now.

As for it taking time away from my family...that's just silly. Everyone needs time away from the hubby and kids. He gets to go in our office for hours at a time and mentally take a break. He could go do stuff with his friends if he wanted but he likes being on the computer instead. He is an introvert and needs that time in quiet and solitude.

I also have married friends who want to go out and really let loose when they go out, not my thing anymore, I won all the 2-step trophies I need. It's simply a matter of finding people, whether they are married or single, that you have things in common with and enjoy spending time with.

3 moms found this helpful

Major time? No. Reasons? the Bible - cleave unto your spouse and none else, cut the apron strings, put no one else before the happiness of your spouse. Anything or anyone that gets in the way of a happy marriage needs to move way down on the priority list.

That being said, if you are having a spouse problem with him always out with his single friends, getting mad or nagging him about it will not help. You've got to act like the best friend he has ever said, be super attractive to him not just physically but through flirting, etc. If that doesn't work, sometimes the ignoring and getting your own life really bothers men (not the silent treatment, just the "i don't care, I'm happy and you don't interest me" treatment. Men like to chase down their wives even after marriage sometimes.

3 moms found this helpful

I find it hard to spend a lot of time w/ my single friends b/c we don't have a lot in common anymore. My life is so different than theirs. After dinner and a couple of drinks, I'm ready to go home and see my hubby and kids.

3 moms found this helpful

I miss hanging out with my single friends! Not because we don't have anything in common, but it's usually due to distance, work schedules and family schedules. I love hanging out with them and forget for a while about all my wifely and motherly duties and just be a girly girl for a few hours. I think it's so important to have friends outside the marriage whether single or not. It's good to have a connection with people besides your spouse.

2 moms found this helpful

Why would that be the case? I have tons of single friends with whom I spend a great deal of time. We have girls' nights, go on girls' trips and they're included in group outings to concerts, restaurants, etc. How sad to give up friendships based on relationship status! Plus, what about friends who weren't single but lose a partner/spouse to death or divorce? Those folks need our friendship more than ever!

2 moms found this helpful

About 2/3s of my friends are not married. About half of them are in LTRs. ((I wasn't sure *exactly* what you meant by single))

For me it's the individual, not their living circumstance.

2 moms found this helpful

I agree with B. It isn't that you CAN'T have single friends......it's just that it always seem like they are in a different place in life. I find myself wanting to spend time with couples......preferably with kids. The conversations just tend to me more interesting for me based on my life. Also, single friends CAN get you into situations that may not be the best for your marriage.

2 moms found this helpful

I don't necessarily "believe" that I cannot spend time with single friends, it just doesn't happen now that i have kids. All of my single friends are very different, but still seem to do activities that I cannot include my kiddos in. And, sadly, they do not think to invite me as much anymore since I do have kiddos. I find that some of them expect me to be able to do things with them (sans kiddos) when it is just hard to pull off. I work full time, have my kiddos from 2pm-630p when my husband gets home, then it is time for dinner, baths and bedtime (for all of us, as i get up at 5am for work). I also am basically a single mom on saturdays because my husband works (he owns his own business), then his only day off is sunday to spend together as a family. It would be nice to have both worlds and maybe someday it will be easier, but now we will just do what we can.

2 moms found this helpful

Married or not a girl needs her friends...

I have some married friends who I almost never see due to busy schedules, kids of different ages, etc. My single friends and I go out at least once a month for girls night... no men allowed...

My husband really doesn't have many friends that he goes out with, other than my two brothers... but that is his choice, I encourage him to go out and hang out and have fun... he just rather spend the time with me. (I appreciate it, but I also get a little mad because I feel like he should get out more and spend time with other people)

2 moms found this helpful

I don't have any issues with having single friends in general. I have had to distance myself from a couple girlfriends over the years because they only wanted to do the things we did together before I was married...barhopping, drinking etc

1 mom found this helpful

I guess I would have to ask why your friendship would change just because one of you got married, what is considered major time, and what are you doing during that time? Having coffee with that friend? Inviting that single friend to dinner at your house? I see nothing wrong with those things. Out to single hang outs" though doesn't seem right....talk it over with your spouse.

1 mom found this helpful

It is difficult for me to have single friends since we are in such different places in life. One single woman (who I used to be friends with) was always asking me to go to a bar with her downtown on a Thursday night!!! And if that's not "are you kidding me, I'm a mom" enough - she said we wouldn't leave until 10:00 p.m. (my bedtime) because it doesn't get happening until then! Wow, it took me back to my college days. Needless to say, we were living opposite lives and I didn't persue the friendship anymore. She is a nice girl, however. My other single friend is very seductive/sexy and drinks heavily, and whenever we go out to dinner, other men join us b/c she is such a flirt. All I wanted was a nice dinner with my friend, without any guys! As you can see, having single friends didn't work for me.

1 mom found this helpful

Both my husband I spent a lot of time with our single friends before having our child. Just because I was married did not mean I no longer had anything in common with my single friends. However, since becoming a mom, I rarely ever see my single friends...for that matter, I don't see my married/childless friends much either. My time is spent with my child for the most part with a random "play date" for my child and my friend and her child.

1 mom found this helpful

i think if you are saying going to dinner, lunch, shopping, coffee, hanging out at each others home, i dont see why you couldnt. you should be able to manage normal conversation about things that may not revolve around relationship status.

one thing that would matter is everyones age, both numberwise and maturity. if you happen to have younger acting friends whose main socializing focuses on drinking, bars, or picking up guys, then obviously that wont work well for your marriage. i would say though you could still keep them in the loop via email and phone calls so when they are at a lifestyle more like yours, you can rekindle the friendship when she is also in a serious relationship.

if however, any friend is trying to maybe sabotage your marriage by pressuring you to do things that will be negative towards your marriage, then i would say thats not a friend and end that relationship asap. im not sure if you just meant this hypothetical or not:)

ETA- wanted to add if you have children, that is much more of a stress on a friendship than marriage. when i had my child first, my friends were still in a partying mode. our relationship slowly faded.

1 mom found this helpful

I think the key here is the word you use major. Spending time with friends (married or single) needs to be quality not constant. We all have friends married and unmarried that we love to spend time with and I think it's healthy to have lots of friends. The married ones have to be conscious of not neglecting their married spouses and including them into their lives as well as sometimes into the single friends you have and the activities you plan together. That way jealousy won't occur and fights and accusations of you perhaps spending too much time with this single friend. It makes the married friends partner feel inadequate as a friend if you want to spend all your time with single people. I just think moderation in all instances is a good rule of thumb to follow. C. S.

1 mom found this helpful

I have lots of single friends because most of them are divorced. I also have a group of friends from high school that get together once a month as the "Lunch Bunch" The majority of them have never been married and I am the only one with a child.

My husband does not have many close friends, but I would say the majority of them are single also..

I do not even think of marital status when I go out with friends.. Of course we are older, so we are not hanging out at bars either.

1 mom found this helpful

There is a balence that needs to be found. Yes having single friends is ok, but you also have a marrage that needs time too. All relationships need work so you need to spend time on that relationship. Prioritization is key, which relationship is the most work and which is most important. All this needs to be weighed to figure out "major time" and whether it is too much.

One should not have to give up one's self for anyone but compramise is key in any relationship.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi Cherie, I believe when married, male and female friends should be each spouses friends, for example In my opinion it is not appropreiate for a married woman to hang out with a single man, or a married man hanging out with a single woman, that;s how friendships sometimes turn into affairs. I read the other posts and they are looking at same sex friends, I thought you were asking about married women spending time with single men and the other way around. Married woman have un married friends is fine, as long as rhe unmarried friends don't they tom get the married woman to act single and same with the men. J.

1 mom found this helpful

I don't really see any problem with spending time with single friends, but often once you are married and have children you have different lifestyle and don't partake in the same activities as your single friends.
I have two best friends, one is married the other single.

1 mom found this helpful

My best friend since elementary school is still single but by choice. I'm married with 2 kids.

Since my husband works nights, we have a set date every 1-2 months where she comes over and we chat, drink wine and eat munchies while my kids are upstairs playing. At times she will even stay after I've tucked the kids into bed.

It's a great way for us to stay connected! Plus she loves my kids so it also gives her a chance to come see them and of course spoil them with gifts!

1 mom found this helpful

If the friend is a male, and I'm married, I don't think it's appropriate for me to spend any time with this person without my husband or another person present.
If the friend is female, and I'm married, I think it's apporpriate to spend some good quality time together - maybe a set monthly "date" of a girls night that we have, or a weekly few hours that we can spend to have coffee or dinner together. I might spend more time with her if she knows my husband and/or family well, but request that she come to our house, so that part of the time, I can be available to my family as needed.
Of course other factors weigh in to the second situation, depending on if you have kids, their ages, you & your husband's work schedules, your family's schedule, etc. It also depends on your communication with your husband.

1 mom found this helpful

It's not a matter of believing I can't spend time with single friends.
I just don't want to.
Single friends are still hunting for mates and I've found mine.
The last thing they want to hear about is wedded bliss.
My husband and I were/are quite relieved to be done with dating other people.
Single friends do NOT want to hear about my kid, his school, his grades, his other activities. I'm centered on my family, and their eyes glaze over if they hear more than 2 minutes about it. Am I suppose to just sit there and listen to who thinks whose butt is cute (and then my eyes glaze over)?
We're just at different places in life, and have different interests now.

1 mom found this helpful

I find that it is not about single vs. married, or kids vs. no kids. If I share the same core values with someone, we can spend hours together. If not, it doesn't matter how many other parts of our lives are in common.

Often single friends are very self centered. They don't understand the sacrifices and compromises that married couples deal with, especially if there are kids in the mix. Often they are consumed with going out, fashion and food. When you're married, on a limited budget, busy with kids, laundry, homework, etc.. WHO CARES about these trivial things?! I'm lucky to get a shower, much less keep my hair pristine and in the latest fashion.

However, I do have single friends who value family over fashion, and enjoy spending time with me and my kids, in my world. They actually enjoy the "family" atmosphere, and feel more comfortable in that setting.

1 mom found this helpful

Friendships should never interfere with marriage, whether the friends are married or not. I do find that it is harder with single friends because they are in a different point in their lives. If you are talking about the cross gender friends. It is whatever your spouse is comfortable with.

1 mom found this helpful

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