Disconnect

It felt like I was reading something that I wrote. I don't have advise, but I was so stressed out I went to a counselor yesterday because of it all. He told me it is normal for me to feel the way I do, since I have a lot on my plate. It will calm down in time. Just know you are not the only one who feels like this.
-S.

Your situation is not at all uncommon. Both you and your husband need to make a major effort to do some of the things you used to enjoy doing as a couple before you had kids. After the kids are asleep, instead of retreating to the computer, at least go sit next to your husband on the couch to watch TV. You need physical proximity. Even better, see if he is willing to turn off the TV and just talk about your days. If you can afford a sitter (or have a family member who can help out), go on a date night, ideally once a week, but even just twice a month will help. You need to decide if you want to reconnect with your husband, and if you do, you need to make an effort not to withdraw further by going off to be on your computer. Is your husband willing to turn off the TV (save for perhaps one or two favorite shows a week)? You both need to be invested in your relationship and fight against the urge to take the easy way out, which is just retreating to your separate corners, so to speak. For a long time I felt like my husband and I were nothing more than co-parenting units. We went to couples counseling, which has made a huge difference. But, a major key to this working was that both of us had to decide that we wanted to make our marriage work and that we still had hope that we could. Breaking the bad habits you've both fallen into can be hard work. In our case, it was well worth the effort. As long as there is nothing abusive in your marriage, one of the kindest things you can do for your children is to put your marriage first. Not only can children often sense that something is wrong in their parents' relationship (and kids blame themselves because their world view is very egocentric), but also you and your husband are role modeling for your kids what a relationship is. By all means, take a half-hour to yourself, but then make the effort to re-engage. Let your husband know that you need a little time alone to recharge after having the kids all day but that you would love to spend more quality time with him at night after you've had this opportunity. Also, you might want to consider whether you might have a mild case of depression -- you say you feel anxious and do not enjoy yourself much. It also sounds like you're withdrawing a bit from face-to-face human contact, though I may be reading too much in to a short post. It can't hurt to talk to your doc about the possibility that you are depressed. You can also look up more info regarding depression on NAMI's website or at www.NIMH.NIH.gov. Depression is exceedingly common and nothing to feel ashamed about. Again, I'm in no position to say that you are depressed. It's just that some of what you say hints at that a bit.

I am going through the same thing. Both my husband and I work full time (40+ hours a week); although his job more demanding than mine, but he brings in the majority of the money. We have three kids and next to my busy job I have to do everything with the exception of him dropping off the kids for school in the a.m. (but I have clothes laid out, lunches packed, back packs by the door,etc.). I pick up the kids (I have 2 boys (2 and 4) and 1 girl (8) and cook and clean dinner, do homework with my daughter, bathe the kids, make lunches, put out clothes, clean the house, read everyone books before bed, etc. Additionally I handle all the doctor and dental appts., soccer/baseball sign ups, scheduling of the various events for school and parties, get up and down at night when the little ones get up and cause issues (which is nightly), I take care of my kids and take the day off when they are sick, etc (I could go on forever).

I am run ragged on a daily basis and my husband walks in late everynight and we rarely see each other. When I do see him, it would be nice to get a thank you or a hug or some sort of affection and appreciation, but the only affection I get is when he thinks he can wake me up for sex. Which I have stopped allowing. If he can't be home with us and help me I don't feel like I want to have sex.

He just got back from Philadephia of 4 days during which time I came down with a very serious staff infection in my leg. I had been ignoring a previous sympton because I have been overwhelmed with my kids and my daughter's many orthodontic appointments recently and she had the flu two times in two weeks (and I had to take those days off of work). I felt like I couldn't take any more time from work for me to see a doctor. All the while this infection got so bad I can barely walk and had to go ER while my kids were in school so I could be seen (since my dr. could not see me). Anyway I am on a lot of medication and taking vicodine for the awful pain I am experiencing from this. My husband walked in the door and it would have been the perfect opportunity to show some concern, tell me to sit down that he would handle the kids for the rest of the day, etc. All he talked about was how he needed to go running and shower. He played with the kids briefly, but I had to clean up after them, make them lunch, change the diapers, etc. when I was clearly in a lot of pain and having a lot of trouble walking. By the evening I was so disappointed by his lack of concern that I went in the bathroom and just cried my eyes out. It was tough when he was out of town, my daughter had the stomach flu, I had to get our rental home finished for renters moving in next week (had to arrange to get a washer and dryer over and a new kitchen faucet put in) etc. I did all those so he wouldn't have to worry about anything, but all the while my condition was worsening.

We are set up for counseling - starts this week. I have to put an end to this and definately don't want this to end in divorce. Many men just tend to be SO self centered. It really does amaze me. Let me know if you want to talk.

Wow, sometimes you think you are so alone until you read something like this. My husband will step up when I get ill but that is about it. Wives and mothers get ran down also if they don't put some more gas in the tank (taking time for themselves, reading, just sitting, having a cup of tea alone, etc.), and won't be good to anyone. I think because I enjoy taking care of the kids, my husband takes the fact that I work full-time, just like him, for granted and thinks that I never get tired. I had to ask him to help my 7 year old with his bath last night. If it was left up to him, the kids would never get bathed, yet he comes home from work and takes a shower every evening. He should want them to be just as clean as he is.

It is just what you said, a disconnect. I have talked to my mom about it and she does not understand because she had a lot of help from my father with the 5 of us. I think most of the new generation of men just do not get it. Not all but most.

My husband and I are working with our pastor and will soon seek counseling to see how things can be better. He does change diapers, takes kids to Kung Fu, and take kids to doctors appointments but I have to hear how tired he is afterwards and then he is no help to me for the rest of the day, and then he is not in the mood. It is okay when he is not in the mood but not okay for me. I don't understand how they think you can feed the family, get kids ready for bed, help with homework, pack lunches, and lay clothes out, get yourself together for the next day while they lay and watch TV, then they want to be intimate and you are tired. They would get more if they helped more but they don't get it. They just think you are having an attitude.

My mom suggested telling him what to do but I think helping out your wife with the kids should be instinctual. It eats at me inside. He use to wash the kids clothes, I hardly had to wash but now he has stopped doing that. I will probably read some of the books suggested and see if that helps. My husband is willing to talk about how to make things better, but he only follows the plan for a little while. I try to give him kudos when he does things for/with the kids just to stroke the ego but it cracks me up that we don't get our ego stroked. We just do what needs to be done. Sometimes I have to let things start falling apart before he starts getting into action, so you may have to consider that. If I have to deal with the 18 month old while I am cooking and have to keep stopping, I will turn off the burners and then my husband will come and occupy him so I can finish cooking. I should not have to go to that extreme, but oh well.

It is concerning that he did not help out even when you were sick. That is a total disconnect. It is sad to say but maybe you had to actualy tell him "I am very sick and really need your help". Perhaps he was so disconnected and so self-centered, that he did not notice on his own because it was routine as usual. I hate it also, but if you feel that the marriage is worth working on (that is your call alone), you are going to have to tell him every step of the way what you need for support, or see if he is willing to go to counseling. The book idea is good because sometimes men need things spelled out or need something that puts them in your shoes before they can wake up.

Send an update in a couple of months and I will send one too. Good luck.

Dear S H,

I think you are smart to admit these feelings, that's a huge step. I would advise you to get OFF the computer and get ON the couch with your husband. It sounds like you need to relax a little and maybe you could just cozy up to your man and let him know what things are troubling you and find out what's on his mind.

I wish you all the best.....Blessings....

Wow, Its kind of nice to know that we as Women are not alone even when it feels like it. I sure love this website to get advice and help eachother out. I am due with our 2nd child in 2 weeks and believe me feel total disconnect with my husband, I ask him to pay any attention to me but hes usually too tired from work or is on the phone to his dad. Women have it very hard now a days, most of the time we have to work Ft, take care of the kids and all the family stuff. Try to stay strong and you can only control you, so maybe try to do and say positive (which with men usually they hear that stuff) try to do little things to show affection and hope he comes around, best of luck and take care of yourself too!

There is nothing in the pregnancy books that tell you how life will be after you have your child. It only tells you how to care for your child. Nothing states in a book what women go through once their title changes to "mom".

A lot men have no idea how our roles in life change once we become mothers of a child(ren). We have so many responsibilities to uphold that over time, we feel our lives are blah and just so routine. We as women tend to loose ourselves in this new found role.

It is VERY important that in any relationship that your partner, be your friend and your teammate. Your spouse should help take half of your responsibilities off of your shoulders. This will hopefully allow you to have some guilt free time to yourself. Plus appreciate your spouse more and respark that feeling you have for him.

Also no one ever tells you in these books today that when your child arrives, its impossible to give all your love and attention to your spouse. Men unfortunately do get the back burner when a child is born. Hopefully he is understanding, takes charge, doesn't blame and is a super dad and helps out as much as he can. They need to realize the little things matter a lot to us when we are being pulled in 10 different directions.

More importantly he needs to assist you in childcare to allow you some me time away from your daily responsibilities. This will allow you to recharge your self and hopefully start feeling better about yourself in all.

I was so overwhelmed being mom, wife, friend, lover....it also didnt help that my partner wasnt my partner during my pregnancy and after we had our child. I pretty much was on my own caring for our son. Only having support of my family. This in the end did create us to separate. I didn't know how to give more than what I was giving to my son. He required 100% of me, my love, my attention, my care, my support, my ability to teach, etc. Knowing my partner had a child before that he would understand how to help out and be a father...unfortunately that was not the case in my situation.

Be open with your husband, as you are. Communicate to him how you feel and how he can help you out. Get a hobby and do something for you. When my horse was moved out to pasture and my son was born, he was all I had. Until recently, I relocated my horse back home. Thank god I did that. It is so nice to have my own thing back. Where I am the second happiest...i can do what I love, besides being a mom. It recharges my soul, love, heart, mind and energy having ME time. Yes, sometimes my son is with me but I want to share this with him, at times, not always. As my horse will someday be his, hopefully!

Good luck and remember you are NOT alone. Truly feel every woman goes through this. But no one ever tells us this BEFORE we have a child and what to expect once our child is born how much it will affect our relationship with friends, family and our partner. A lot of divorces happen once a child is in the picture. Men do not know how to accept being #3 in their marriage/relationship.

I am curious what is going on with your daytime routine that has you so anxious? You didn't elaborate on that.

As far as your husband, a little cuddle time goes a long way - whether it's falling asleep in bed, cuddled at the computer together or just watching tv. I think the Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus books are great. I always try to ask for help with a please and to say thank you when a task is done. Sometimes I will ask with a "I know you're tired but would you please do this" or "It would really help me out if you would do this." I know my husband would prefer to do his chores all at once, so leaving a list often helps. Sometimes I give a big hug with my thank you or just thank him for bringing home the bacon (I am a SAHM). And as far as those who think that sex is another item on their to do list, if you look at it as something you GET instead, it seems much more inviting. If he's the one wanting it, sit back and get taken care of for a change!
Best of luck,
C.

It's completely normal. When you feel overwhelmed, and with two kids and two careers, I'm sure you both do, it's natural to forget to take care of yourselves. I'd make the time to check out any of John Gottman's books (on CD or in print, whichever you prefer). He is a world renowned marriage therapist (and darn good at it to boot). His therapies have been working for decades. Often, couples can benefit from just the books, as long as you're committed to making it work.

Hi SH,

I think all women go through an amount of this, unfortunately! It is not right but men are SO self-centered that often times unless I get angry my needs are not even recognized. It is all about my husband and what he needs and is not getting...I don't want to turn this into a b _ _ ch session so. What now? I really don't know the answers. I work full time, a more stressful job than my husband and bring home the majority of the money...and he shows little or no respect for that etc. etc. etc. I carry all of the house chores...if he has to load the dishwasher, you can tell by the look on his face that he is not pleased...at any rate, I do relate with you, as I see from the responses many women do. Maybe we should start some kind of a women's group - where we get together one night a week and just have fun? Maybe we have to bring our kids but...at least we'll have a little recreation? Looks like there are a few ladies who might join? =) Maybe if we make a way to focus some fun time on ourselves...even if we are exhausted...I think it'd be worth it. I don't have any answers, but I do sympathize.
Take good care!

My hubby and I went through this about a year ago. It started after our son was born and we didn't get help until after he was one. I would suggest getting some marriage counseling. We tend to focus on our kids because they need us all day and by the end of the day we are just too tired for anything else and just want some time to ourselves. Setting aside some time that is just for you and him will help and working out some issues in counseling will make it a place where you two can talk with some direction. We try to get out on a date once a month and try to have dinner together after our son is in bed so we can have a quiet dinner once a month. It ends up late but it's worth it. Even if money is tight, an investment in your marriage will pay off in the long run.

Good luck. You have taken the first step and identified that there is a problem. Now just go get some help!

I totally understand! You feel like the proverbial two ships passing in the night. I have said to my husband on many occassions that I feel like we're just two people living under the same roof, but we're not sharing anything. We're not partners. It's the pressure to be wonder mom that gets us all worked up over the wrong things. I hope that if you just remember that you are doing a great job, then it's easier to sit back at times, breath, and allow yourself the freedom to get close to your husband. If you feel like I do, the pressure to be perfect doesn't allow you to feel close to him because you're always worried about his judgement of your "job" and if you're doing it well enought. That's how I feel. Just remember that you are "enough" to both your kids and your husband. Then perhaps you can feel worthy of their love.

Hi S H,

It's AMAZING how difficult dealing with these emotions can be. Well, if you learned anything today, I hope it's the fact that majority of us mothers suffer from the same emotional struggle. The "trick" is how to deal with it, so we don't feel "guilty". I am not, and will never claim to be the perfect wife and mother :O) BUT, when I was dealing with the onset of these emotions a fews years back, I remember a few key things that I focused on to "bring me out of it". I began to work on one thing at a time.

Like you, I spoke to my husband, too. I didn't want him to think that I was not loving him anymore, but I was trying to figure out how to "be it all". I have the most wonderful husband in the world :O) and he simply appreciated my honesty and told me he would help me if I needed him. Well, my problem didn't have anything to do with him, so there really wasn't anything he could do. Well, so I thought.....

The first thing to tell yourself is the laundry, the dishes, the bathrooms, and the vacuuming can all wait! Your priority is being a loving mother who always has time for her kids.....right?

My focuses were trying to feel "proud" of myself as a mother, so I first focused on patience and how to per-fect my relationship with my kids and how to handle things without the yelling and hassle. I will tell you....if I can do it, you can do it :O) Once my kids and I communicated our needs to eachother in a positive way, half of my battle was one. Even within a week of trying I could see a huge difference in myself. I felt proud and accomplished almost immediately.

Once you can begin to feel like the mother that you've always wished you could be, then everything begins to fall into place.

It took alot of courage for you to write in about this. I believe that admitting this is a problem, is truly the first step to healing your emotions.

~N. :O)

I think that it is normal. Your life has totally changed and you have kids who need you so much emotionally, you don't feel the same intimacy that you did with your husband before you had children. My husband and I make two nights a week in-house" date nights. We rent a movie or watch TV together after the kids go to sleep. I make a point of disconnecting from the children so that I can share myself with him. I focus my attention, emotion, problem solving, support on him and his work. Does your husband miss you? Another thing that we've done in the past is get a different e-mail account so I can e-mail him. Then I feel more connected to him. It takes an effort to stay connected and reconnect. But it will enrich your marriage and relationship.

Some suggestions....if you are having difficulties speaking to him face to face on this try an alternative means of communication. A handwritten note, an email, something where you can say what you need to say and organize your thoughts. Try to make sure you aren't being accusatory, as he will most likely become defensive. I have discovered that by sending an email to my husband I can get the feelings off my chest so I can then relax with him. The ball is in his court at that point.
Try to find a time where you can turn off the computer and he can turn off the tv and you can talk....even if it doesn't involve your feelings, just talk about anything.
Try to arrange a date night out, but not the movies, make it someplace you can actually talk to each other.
Just a few ideas...Good luck and know you are not the only one to go through this.

Hello,
You know at times I thought I was alone on this or maybe I was just thinking and blaming myself like I always do. But at the end of the day, I realize that I cant always take the blame for everything, I too, am allowed for that free time or "me" time. Yet, throughtout my busy "wifey" duties it can be considered as " me" time as well. But is It? I dont know and is very confused about it myself... Dont know if I am making sense at this point but I think I just needed to express.
As the day mellows down and the moon comes out, I turn to look at my other half and wonder???? What???? There isnt enough room on this page to fill it.
What goes through their minds when we are duite our duties? Are we neglecting them? Yet, when we want time or mellow down because of guilt, they are busy watching t.v. or on the computer. So much work to be done but never enough time. Its hard....

Dear S H,
I think you are pretty normal, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do something about it.

You really need to take some time for yourself. It doesn't matter what it is as long as you enjoy it. Your husband may have to pick up some of the chores.

Being happy in marriage and in the rest of your life, means leaving room for that to happen. If all you do is the mommy robot role, there won't be anything left. Pay attention to what gives you energy and make time for it. It is a need and not optional.

I saw your post the other day and finally have time to sit and respond. I too am a mom of two little kids and you end up feeling like you are losing yourself. Your schedule is no longer your own, it is dictated by a small person and that can be hard.

My husband and I are/were going through the same thing. At the end of the day, all I want to do is put my feet up and tune out. I feel that I am "on" during the day and just did not have anything left at the end. We started marriage counseling and it has helped tremendously!

One of her suggestions was just checking in with each other every evening. Spend just five minutes a person and tell what frustrated you, made you happy, something you enjoyed, something you are thankful for or anything else that happened in your day. I get frustrated with my husband daily, as I am sure most moms get, but we don't get a chance to express that frustration. I don't want to have a bunch of fights in front of my kids.

So at the end of the day, we try at least three times a week, to talk about what is going on. I like to tune out in front of the TV for like an hour before going to bed, so during commercials, we check in. At the beginning, I really thought it was going to be lame, but actually, it has helped quite a bit. I didn't want to have to relive anything from the day or really have to talk any more, but I now enjoy it. I have also found telling him at the end of the day what pissed me off has also allowed me to tell him the things I enjoyed and am thankful for.

I feel like we are starting to connect again and I can let the little things go because I know we will get to talk about them at the end of the day.

Being a mom is a tough job and I think we forget we need to take time for ourselves, but also for our marriages. You are doing a great job, you are seeking information from other moms, good for you.

I see you got lots of responses, just know you are not alone out there. Take time for yourself as well as for your marriage. If only we could just add a couple more hours in to each day!

Good luck and I would be more than happy to chat with you any time!

You've gotten a lot of good advice already but two more little things. I read a quote once from Kirk Douglas - something like "you can devote every waking minute to your children but someday they will leave you and your spouse will be the person left." I work full-time and feel guilty about it so have felt compelled to put the kids first when I'm home 100%. But I do think of his quote and also even my husband says one of the most important things for kids to grow up happy is their parents being happily married. So while sometimes it kills me, I make myself do date nights sometimes or just in little ways, neglect the kids for a few minutes etc to focus on him/us. It's not perfect but I think it's really helped. Also, sounds silly but watching Desperate Housewives together has been a fun bonding thing. We got a DVR at Xmas and there are reruns we tape. Neither of us knew the show well and it's quite funny, somewhat relevant etc. But more the key vs that show is it's something relaxing we both enjoy together. Maybe you could find a TV show you both really like. I've heard 24 is good and appeals to men and women. Or the Soprano's on DVD etc. That way I feel like I get my down time and he does too but we're still sharing something.

SH,

Hi,

I can relate to you. How about talking with your husband and setting aside 15-20min each day/night for just the two of you. We as women schedule everything else that needs to get done in a day, your marriage is a priority too. So, whatever it takes, take the time out each day to sit down and talk, reconnect and clear any issues up. This helps my husband and I--and don't let him focus on sex....Connect with him emotionally and and you will feel a whole lot better about everything. Sex and intimacy will come later and naturally when you don't feel pressured. Also, get some "me" time. Have your husband take the kids for an hour or so how ever many times you can get a week and you go and do something that you enjoy--take a walk, read a book, shop etc. But something that will recharge you. You have to make yourself a priority or you will get burned out quickly again. Take care~

Molly

I so feel for you. I have struggled with the same issues. Here are a couple books that REALLY helped me:
Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, bu Laura Schlesinger
For Women Only, by Shaunti Feldhan
There is a companion book to that called For Men Only. My husband and I shared our frustrations with each other and it turned out he was also frustrated with the same things. So we each read our own book (and then traded to read the other perspective). It helped SO much just to understand each other better. We loan those books out to friends now.

So what came out of that in practical application, was that now I make a point to focus more on my husband, even if I'm tired and feeling worn out and just want some quiet alone time, remembering that I want him to do the same for me. I tend to get glued to the computer also (a link to the outside world), but I don't want my husband to think that I care more about the computer than I do about him. So maybe start with just 5 or 10 minutes a day of snuggling up with your husband in front of the tv before you turn on the computer...

It was real hard for me at first to get my focus off my tired self and give my husband more attention. But it sure pays off. He reciprocates with even more, and that makes me feel better and more energized.
I can totally relate to you, and I want to encourage you that it can get better, but it probably won't happen on it's own. It will need a little effort from you to get the marriage repair started, but it will be so worth it.