Disciplining Young Teen

Hi D.
Hope I can be some help. I think you are doing the right thing by taking the phone away from her. I think she should have to EARN the rights back to her phone. You give her the priviledge to have a phone but also give her clothing, food, spending money etc....I think if you spend 5 or 10 minutes a day and just talk - and do it without yelling at one another. Spend those few minutes and discuss what you need from her and have her tell you what she needs from you. This may sound dumb - but give her a hug and tell her you really do care what she thinks. Just so she knows you do care about her and want her to be happy but she also has to help you to be happy also. It is a two way street. You need to communicate between the two of you. Texting is fun but she will hopefully realize that spending time together is more fun.

Dear D., it's tough love but you need to nip it in the bud before the kids are too spoiled. Nowadays kids don't realize the value of a dollar nor do they care to understand how hard it is to earn it since daddy and mommy are always paying for everything. Unless they're contributing at home with house chores or working and paying for their own expenses, mommy has every right to impose rules and punishment if the child is not respectful of the parent. Re-establish who's paying the bills and who's keeping the roof over their heads. Hopefully they will appreciate you and thank you when they become responsible adults. Good luck.

I don't have teens but I remember being one. Try Dr. James Dobson's Dare to Discipline. Whatever you choose consistency is key. don't roll over.

I am sorry you are having such a hard time. Teenagers were made to frustrate us. However I can only speak from my experience as a teen and not yet from a parents' perspective.

That being said, I just do not understand why a 14 year old needs a cell phone. Cut her off. Set reasonable rules and stick to them. You need to work with your husband as a partner for it to work. So you both need to figure out a way you'll both be happy with instituting.

Good luck.
A.

Let her know she has a choice just like anything in life you choose wright or wrong. Just let her know your boundaries and what you expect of her. Let her know that there are good consequences for choosing to make the wright choice and that there are bad consequences for making the wrong choice. So as her parent if you were to ask her to do a chore and she refuses than there is a consequence for her action(so you take away something of value to her). If she chooses to do wright by you than she has extended her time with what is valuable to her. Children are going to test us until the day we die so stick to what you say and never back down or give in(it is a sign of weakness). Stay strong and in charge for that is what children expect of us as signs of love and affection.

THROW HER PHONE IN THE GARBAGE----------pick up her clothes and throw them in the garbage----tell her no dishes no food------lay down the lay and stick to it--------tell husband to pull his own weight or drag no weight no say in how house is run or kids either--when he pays for a maid and the phone bill and all new clothes for kids etc. alone with you home relaxing than he can have input in household---------life is tough right now stick to your guns too much going on with teens keep your daughter home and close to you someday she will thank you when she sasses you laugh in her face that really p----them off anger is better than sass---tough love mommy
C. R

D.,

You are absolutely right, take away her phone and anything else she likes. A girl with that kind of attitude towards her mother should not have these items. Phones, ipods etc are for kids who are good. I can't stand some of these kids today that get eveything they want but do nothing to deserve it. Try to talk to her too, is there a reason why she might be acting out. Maybe your husbands spending problems and strain on the family is effecting her. Could be her way to get attention.

Good Luck
J.

I am not experienced in raising a teen- but I remember being one myself. I am 32 with 2 boys by the way- THANK GOODNESS! I have to say- my mom did a great job, because I know I wasn't easy. In my day we didn't have cell phones- but if that's what she wants- that's what you need to take away. I couldn't do ANYTHING until my chores were done on the weekend. If I didn't go to school Friday- I couldn't do anything all weekend. I know one thing- I did my chores and went to school- because then I was able to hang out with my friends. And- STICK TO IT- if you say NO- make sure it's a solid NO. She will come around- just tell her- "your phones gone until you do your chores- then you get it back" See if that works- and GOOD LUCK!!!! By the way- I thought it was so unfair at the time- but I thank my mom now for sticking to her guns and making me a better person for it.

I don't think you are doing it wrong at all. What does a 14 year old need with 7000 text messages?? I can see having a cell phone for emergencies but I think the introduction of cell phones for constant chatting and texting is teaching a bad habit. Just my opinion.

Keep yourself calm and consistent and when she doesn't do what she's told, remove a priviledge. You are not doing it wrong. You are teaching your daughter. She's 14. You only have 4 more years until she is technically an adult so when and how are you supposed to teach her respect and how to survive on her own? This is coming from someone who started working at 14 to help support her single mom and her. As a result of school and work, my mom never had me do chores. My husband taught me how to do laundry! Now I struggle with it every day mostly because I don't have very good organizational skills. Seriously, you are doing the right thing.

Hi D.!

I have 2 little girls but I was probably the same way as your daughter when I was a little older than she is now. My mother used to do the "ok, you want to just do your dishes, that's fine. Easier for me, I'll just do "my" laundry, "my" dinner, "my" cleaning oh and you can use only "your" stuff so it looks like since you won't be using "my" stuff, you won't be making a mess and I won't have to clean "your" stuff or make "you" dinner, etc since you don't have anything." Perfect - we both win - oh and since I pay the bills I'd like "my" phone and "my" clothes back. I'll find some other little girl who will appreciate all this nice stuff and who will help me since I'm exhausted. I remember stomping away and doing what I had to considering I didn't want all that extra work or my stuff taken away :o)

Oh, I do not look forward to those days especially since people say it will all come back :o)

Good luck!
S.

Explain that chores are her responsibility as a member of the family. You are not asking her as a favor to yourself; chores are how she is expected to contribute to the household, which gives her food, shelter, clothing, etc.(Your husband and son, if living at home, should also have chores.) Also, you might consider agreeing with her that her own room is her domain; just shut the door if it's a pigsty. She should also be responsible for washing her own clothes and making her own lunches for school. She should get an allowance so she can practice budgeting; the movie money should come from this, so you're not always in a power struggle with whether her demands for money are for silly stuff. If she wants to spend time with friends on weekends, she has to demonstrate she's done her homework first.

no way are you doing anything wrong, if anything i would be harder on her. you need to put your foot down and make her do things to help you or just because she is told. Take her phone away, ground her, what ever it takes. nip this in the bud now or it will only get worse.

Hi D.,

I think you need to get the ball back in your court. I would not only take away her cell, all computer privelages and weekend activities. It will kinda be like attitude detox. With this initial stepping up to the plate, you need to reinforce love, concern and respect. You do not to be disrespected and taken advantage of. You also need to reinforce who the parent-wife is. The same with your husband, communication is a must!. Good luck.

Hi D.!
I am not a mother of a teenager, yet, but I can recommend a resource that I use know, love and use as a mother of 5 (ages 10-2). Dr. Ray Gaurendi is a clinical psychologist and father of 10 who has numerous books, tapes, and other resources that are so full of information! One "tactic" he suggests is the "Black Out", which is where you take EVERYTHING away from the child/teen with the exception of their basic needs (food, clothing, and shelter, and most importantly tough LOVE) until the behavior starts to change. He does have a book titled "Good Discipline; Great Teens" His website is www.drray.com. Remember to be consistent (even if you are doing the same discipline 500 times a day!!!), follow through on everything and hopefully you should see changes. You are the parent and the boss; they are the child! "Train up a child in the way he should go; and when he is old, he will not depart from it." Proverbs 22:6

Good luck!
C.

A little about me: 40 year old stay at home mom/housewife, happily married to a Godly man for 11 1/2 years, "Happy Mom" of 5 children (ages 10-2), homeschooling Mom to three of my children.

Hi D.,

Your children are the same as as mine. I have an 18 year old son and a 14 year old daughter. I can sympathize with you. I have to say tough love. It is good that you have taken away her phone and any other priviledges you can think of. I used to think my husband was being tooooo mean, but now oh how I can appreciate his sturness. My daughter can only use the house phone Friday-Sunday, not during the week, unless specifically for homework help. No computer until the weekend, unless specifically for homework, nothing else. She had her cell phone taken away for 1 year due to over texting, she will get it back ,but only because she will strating H.S. As far as her chores, if she only wants to do her dishes, give her a week of trying to cook her own meals. If she does not want to participate in household chores, give her that opportunity to be Miss Independent. Cook for everyone else and leave something simple for her to prepare and see if she enjoys it. Let her see what it like being GROWN. I am sorry you are going through this, just coming out of this as well.

Sounds like you and your husband need to join forces and get on the same page about discipline. If your not shes going to know it and start using it to her advantage. You are not wrong in giving her chores to do or disciplining her for her mouth and lack of doing what she should be. You really need to crack down on it now. I wouldn't give the phone back until you see a noticeable difference in her attitude remember your the parent and you have the control over what privilages she has and doesn't have. If she sees your not consistent shes going to run all over you. Your husband needs to step in and back you up.

D., I have two girls, Kiersten will be 15 next month and Caitlyn is a sophmore in college. I UNDERSTAND what you are going through. My youngest is a little more selfish than my older one ever was. She has her chores (my girls have been setting/clearing the table, making their beds since they were toddlers), but gets lazy about them, bitchy, makes faces, etc. Anyway, your daughter is mis informed. I've always told my girls, it is not their room, since they don't pay the mortgage, or rent, I just allow them to use it, so it's fair game for me to enter, look around or demand it be cleaned before they do anything. If the room isn't clean by Friday to MY LIKING, no going out during the weekend, end of story. I always explained it takes a family to run a household and everyone needs to participate. I tease the younger one that the older one knew if Mommy was happy, everyone was happy and mommy will reward the help....she's a slow learner, but she's getting the point. The behavior on your daughter's part is really normal, but you are in charge of the household and you can't feel bad about consequences. I have taken the phone away from my daughter when she's been excessively disrespectful to me as well, it's a privilege not a right, also I've taken away the computer. Actions have consequences, YOU are in charge and if you don't expect respect, you won't get it. You need to talk with your husband so you are on the same page. United front my dad always says. Good luck and believe me it really is normal, just sucks none the less!!!! N.

Hi D.,
At that age all teens act like that. They are actually stuck between being still a kid and becoming a young lady/young man.
I remember when I was trying to get my kids to clean their rooms and I would get the same "it's my room" answer. So I started to close the door to their room and surrendered to the fact that they didn't want their room clean. As far as chores went I stopped giving them chores and asked which chores they wanted. Believe it or not I started getting more help when they picked their own chores. Maybe she doesn't like to do dishes or thinks that it's unfair that she has to do everybody's dishes, but maybe she won't mind doing the laundry or bathrooms. At this age you have to do a lot of compromising, and negotiating. Also I would suggest that you take her to see the less fortunate. Take her to a free kitchen to volunteer and see how others live. It may do her some good to see how lucky she is.
S.

Without knowing what your discipline style has been for the rest of her life, I'm not sure where to start. However, in our house, anything that is in this house belongs to ME (or my husband). Unless the child paid for the item himself (we have two boys), it actually is my property and it is on loan to the child. I actually had most of the following conversation with my older son 2 years ago (he was 11 then): "Honey, this house belongs to your father and me. Your room is in this house, it belongs to your father & me. The clothes on your back were paid for by your father & me. The food you eat & the dishes you eat it from, were paid for by your father & me. We share everything with you because we love you and God gave you to us to care for. When you are working 50 hours a week and have your own home & your own money, you will be welcome to decide which chores to do; until then, however, I am the one who makes those decisions for you." The follow-up is usually "and I bet when you've worked hard for the money that you had to spend on those clothes, you won't want to leave them on the floor" (or whatever that day's current issue was).

And D., don't even get me started on the phone...These words have served us very well for any extra thing (computer priveleges, video gaming, going to friends' houses)..."it is a privelege, not a right. There is no law that says I have to let you [have/do] any of that." I'm not trying to sound like a military freak, but we are the parents. If we don't show them how to live like a grown up, who will? Certainly not mainstream media, certainly not their friends in school. We've actually been telling them things like that since they were young.

If you'd like to chat further, feel free to email me.

I think the best plan would be to frist sit with your husband and outline what your daughters daily and weekly chores are, then have a meeting with the daughter and tell her that you are very dissappointed in her behavior and from now on there will be no cell phone, TV, computer, and no weekend outings until her attitude improves. (Take her phone immediately.) Then tell her what kind of behavior is expected from her and what her chores are. Give it at least two weeks before giving her privilages back. Make sure that you give her plenty of praise when she does what she needs to.
Also a good retort to the "it's my room" comment would be, "it's my house and you will live in it by my rules."
When my 12 year old step-daughter acts up all her privilages (computer, DS, video games, TV) are suspended until she changes her tune.

I wish I had the answer for you. I am struggling with my 15 year old son right now. It starts with things like fresh mouths but gets worse if you don't do something about it right away. Don't let it get to the point where it will become smoking or drinking or failing classes or doing drugs. Keep tough now. You may want to see about getting her some therapy. Being a teen was tough back in our day so think about how much tougher it is now. And, if you and your husband are not on the same page with discipline it will totally undermine everything that you are trying to do. That is a problem in my household...it always was but it was greatly compounded by divorce. Hang in there...

Hello D.,

It sounds like there's a lot going on besides your 14 year old daughter especially if your husband is too lenient. Of course with the excessive spending of your husband, she is taking things for granted. You and your husband need to come to an agreement on how much freedom this young lady should have and most definitely she needs her father to be a bit stricter. Girls usually clings to their father and it they feel that they don't have their father's approval it worries them.
I'm 42 this year and I'm from old school and I grew up with a Haitian father who was very strict. I can only thank him now because we grew up respecting our elders and obeying.
In today's society it is hard raising children due to the overwhelming of bad examples around.
Start by spending quality time with her, going shopping together to places she like.
Take her for lunch and ask her to go see a movie with you from time to time.
Although she may want to do these things with her friends, you want her to trust you and see you also as a friend.
I believe in setting boundaries and rules and you should. At the same time be careful not to push her away from you if you're trying to set boundaries.
Kids are influenced by what they see and who they spend time with. Not everyone out there is from a good home unfortunately and you just wish that your kids friends are from good families.
I'm currently living in Italy and where I am in the north, I'm pleased to see teenagers and just how most of them behave well and are very close to their parents.
Confidence in parents is what children wants and needs.
Talk to her, get to know her, let her confide in you.

Good luck! and straight out your husband.

B.

I have a 13 yr. old daughter who used to behave the same way. You are definitely not to h*** o* her to shut her phone off. When my daughter started acting up I sat her down right away and explained that there needs to be respect. If she did not co-operate that there would be no phone, no computer, no money/rides to movies, that I would take everything away. I also let here know that I loved her and was trying to do the best I could. She acts up occasionally, like any typical teen. Now she has her room clean, she is in charge of her own laundry (that's always done), and she helps clear the table everynight. I truly believe with teen girls in today's world you need to be very straight forward, honest, and tough (no matter what). I wish you the best and stay strong.

HI D...I can certainly understand what you are going through. I too have a 14 year old daughter. We have had some rough times with her, especially last year in 8th grade. My husband and I stood strong though and managed to get through it. She is much better this year, although still a mouthy teenager. Here is what we did: as you said the phone is their #1 prize possession. Therefore, I used it to my advantage. First rule is to take the phone every night at a certain time( She has to give me her phone every night at 9:30, no exceptions )There is absolutely not one good reason they should have a phone with them all night... This was hard at first because she fought it. If she didn't give me the phone, I got to keep it the next day. She hated that!! So slowly but surely she realized she wasn't going to win this battle. It has been 8 months now and no problems. Also it is a rule in our house that there are no phones at the dinner table. Teenagers need to understand that we set rules for a reason. They may not agree but they need to learn to respect them. I am not too picky about her being a slob, but she knows that her room needs to be acceptable to me when she wants friends over. I do however expect her to talk to me like I am her mother and not her friend. We have had many arguments over this...the disrespect among teenagers is pathetic. Not giving in is the number one way to stay in control. Set a couple rules to start. Make sure she follows them. Talk to her about them before you set them, so she doesn't tell you "It's not fair! You never told me that!" I learned from this one!! Make sure she knows the consequences when she doesn't obey the rules. And whatever you do, make sure you stick to them. It is hard sometimes, but so worth it in the end! Make srue the consequence is something that will bother her. The phone is my lever. On a different note, make sure you have some one on one time with your daughter. I started doing this and it really seemed to help. She fought me on it at first but now she even looks forward to our time together. And she even opens up to me now.
I feel that the misery I went through lasst year, and not giving up on her, was actually a very big learning experience. Kids need us to set guildlines. They want us to, even if they fight us on it. Deep down they know it is because we love them and care. Make sure you tell her this!!!
Good luck...stay strong!

There is a wonderful website called empoweringparents.com. You can subscribe to a free email. It's part of what's called the Total Transformation Program, which was created by James Lehman. The program is 7 CDs, and is worth the money if it's in your budget. they also have a help line. I have used this with my uncooperative teens and find it works well. You will also find out you are not alone. Good luck.

D.,
I am a teacher with pre-teen students who have learning disabilities. These kids know every trick in the book to get out of work and make others take the blame for their actions or lack there-of. I don't have a child of this age, mine is 4 years old, but I can relate to what you are saying. My recommendation is to create a list of tasks that your children will be responsible for each day. Type it up, and list the time of day that each one should be completed. Discuss the list with every family member present so no one can mince words and turn things around. After the expectations are clearly defined, discuss consequences. Now, in my school, we aim for 80% accuracy. Perhaps you can require a certain number of tasks be done to your specifications on time in order for privaleges (such as going to the mall, using the text messaging phone) to continue to happen. The family can discuss and agree upon the consequences or you can mandate them yourselves. I have found, though, that when you can involve the kids in the decision making process it is more effective. Especially when a sibling is able to voice input about the other one's. Then, you are not the only bad guy.

Real quick, about your husband... My husband, too, has put my family in debt. I have found that pulling him aside twice a month to show him the basics of the bill payments helps. I put together a chart of credit card balances, amount paid, and interest charged each month. Also, show him the other household bills (utilities, phone, etc..) and make totals. If he is not paying the bills yet creating them, then seeing it in black and white, repeatedly, can provide him with a wake-up call. Try not to nag or blame; that will only cause him to spite you. Bite your tong, lay out the facts, and wait for him to come to a conclusion. You could also ask him what "we" could do to change the present situation. Make him feel in charge of the solution, even though, in reality, YOU are helping him change his perspective. :-)

Hi D., my daughter is soon to be a teen. Attitude and a sense of entitlement are common in teens but the parent needs to take control. It's normal for them to want to go out with friends every weekend, and they should be able to socialize, spend time online and all the normal teen stuff, but they have to meet their responsibilities first - getting good grades, doing their chores, being respectful. If she's giving you an argument, then I say take all of the privileges away and tell her that if she wants them, she needs to earn them. No texting, phone or computer time til the homework and chores are done, if she refuses to clear the table and it's her chore, the phone goes away. Let her know that she can have all of her privileges, but that she is in control of whether she has them or not, by her behavior. Don't put yourself in the position of losing control, you are still the parent and she is still the child

Good luck.

I support you in what you are doing. Teen girls will change their behavior, even grudgingly, when their social life -cell phone, real phone or computer, outings, is taken away. Don't expect her to do chores happily at first. As long as they get done. work on the attitude later. one step at a time. And this one is tough. when she does the chore say thank you, and don't be overly critical of it being done perfectly. all kids like to be appreciated. Use build and burn. Say something positive like thanks for doing the dishes, i appreciate it . Then- would you mind putting them away next time too, it would really help. Say it nice and SMILE.

BRAVO!!

Mine is 11 and does the same thing... My friends dont have to do this, they all have cell phones etc. Well the standard response in our home is, they are not my kids.

Look into the Smart Discipline book - I forgot the author, but I checked it out at the library. It takes the bad guy syndrome off you and puts back on the behavior and actions of the child. It worked wonders for us!

If she doesnt pick up her clothes, dont wash them. At that age, that will be tragic if she doesnt have the exact outfit she needs. My daughter has been threatened and close to having her door taken off the hinges. Probably will happen at some point in her teen years.

I have went so far as to clean my sons room out. Mattress on the floor w/ a pillow and dresser. He had to earn them back. If they can't manage, then you have to, its your job to and if you dont have time, well we will just take it out of the picture.

It is NOT theirs, it is yours. You paid for it and worked hard to earn the money to get it. So their job is helping you out with doing their chores. If I went to work and didnt do my work, i wouldnt get paid, so neither do they. Give her a surprise one day when she comes home, no door, no bed and then sit with her and give her the rules.

Stick to whatever you decide. Your off to a great start! If she thinks you will cave, she will do it all the time. It will get worse before it gets better. Stay Strong!

I do not have a teen... yet, my daughter will be 13 in June so I can't say I have experience in this dept., but I thought since I will be a parent with a teen soon enough I had to respond... I would suggest, trying to calmly talk to her to see what is on her mind... this may take awhile, I know with my daughter she is not very forthcoming with info. so it sometimes takes up to an hour before she'll tell me what is really on her mind. Tell her that you are not there to judge her feelings just listen to them.. and by letting her talk it just may reveal some feelings she didn't even know she was feeling... I hope this helps a little... sometimes, we have to take a breath and try to remember what it was like when we were teenagers : )
Good Luck! There is nothing like the love from a daughter - or son for that matter!!

Be firm in saying that if the chores aren't done then there's no movies, phone, tv, etc. Ask your husband to either help or at the very least not to disagree with you in front of your daughter. Don't make exceptions on your house rules, even for special occasions, it is just too easy for your daughter to take advantage(I did)!

Sounds like your daughter is in charge of the family. Teens are tough and just like any child will learn how to push your buttons for their benefit. In Ulster County we have a service called dispute resolution which help parents and teens get along and iron out problems within the family. Don't know where you live but you might possibly have one in your area. Also you and your husband have to get on the same page when it comes to boundaries and expectations from yourselves and your children.

Good Luck, Take care and be well,
L. S.

My mother's favorite room cleaning solution, which I use all the time because my 17 year old daughter's favorite response is "i like my room messy", take the garbage bag, fill it with everything on the floor, not put away etc....and put the bag somewhere out of sight......I've done this three weeks in a row and 1. she hasn't looked for anything, 2. I've thrown out one bag of junk, 3. she cleaned her room the other day and did her own laundry.

Dishes, if she will only do hers, give her a paper plate. I have found that arguing is not worth the time or energy...eliminating the problem seems to work best. I have two girls and believe me it's mostly the age.....remember we were probably just as bad we just didn't have cell phones and laptops then! (I'm 46 so I know where you are)