Disciplining a 1 1/2 Year Old?

She is testing limits, but you also have to remember that she is too young to really be manipulative. She just wants you to carry her, plain and simple. And she has no frame of reference, so when you won't carry her, it really IS the worst thing she can think of, you know? She doesn't know about the economy or a sore back or losing a loved one--she only knows that her favorite person won't carry her. Kids this age feel things so strongly. Sometimes if you can put yourself in her mind, it helps.

Often she's just going to have to suck it up, but being flexible at this age is important or you wind up getting into ridiculous battles where you just want to scream, "If you had picked up the toy when I asked, you could HAVE the book!" Her brain just isn't mature enough to understand all of that.

Right now she needs less discipline than she needs guidance and gentle refusal when what she asks is truly unreasonable. My son refused a high chair when he thought he was big enough, so we didn't force it. Now he's almost 2 and will sit in it again. A previous poster suggested offering two choices, and that often does help defuse the issue. Pick up "The Happiest Toddler On The Block" too.

If you're going to be carrying her, I recommend you pick up a mei tai soft carrier, where you can put her on your back. I did that with my older child throughout my pregnancy with the younger (I never used a stroller with either) and it is SO much easier.

It WILL pass, I promise. She's at an age where she's learning so much about her place in the family, and just try to remember that she's not capable of real malice and manipulation at this age. She just wants her way, and be as gentle as possible when denying her so you don't get caught in a battle of wills. There will be enough of that when she's three. :)

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I do a little bit of both choices and timeouts for my boys (twins). For me, it's just not possible to carry them both all the time. So my rule is you either get to ride or you walk holding my hand. There is no other option. And if they fuss, then I say we're going home...and then I go home if they don't stop. It doesn't have to be mean at all. Everything can be said in a nice tone. "Would you like to ride in the stroller or hold my hand? We're going to go to that X store that you love so much." As for high chairs, you might try a booster seat, but if that doesn't solve the problem, the rule is you either sit in your chair or you don't eat. She can still have control of her choice, but she isn't allowed to eat just anywhere so it is also a choice YOU can live with too. I hope that makes sense. For timeouts (for hitting, biting, etc.), we have a time out rug. It's literally a toilet seat shag cover which sits in the corner. I had to buy two to fit in a small space (one for each kid), so you could probably find some other rug to use. The great thing about rugs is that everyone usually has one. So you can use that option anywhere you go. I keep timeouts for big offenses and distractions/choices for the rest. Good luck!

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T., One of the great ironies of our time is that today's
parents, with more professional resources at their disposal
than ever before, are experiencing more and greater problems
in the area of discipline than their grandparents. As a pro-
fessional nanny for over 20 years. Problems I've seen in
this area is the parent doesn't want to be seen as the "bad
guy" (the disciplinary) believe it or not children want to
be discipline they want boundaries set for them and boundaries
aren't forever but it keeps them safe even as they have tan-
trums. Toddlers are smart and manipulative. When you are at
home and a full tantrum arise allow her to lay there and con-
tinue doing your chores(and her surroundings are safe)she'll
realize she's not getting attention she will get up, this
may happen several times before it works, also let her know
that when she's done you two can talk about what made her
upset. It's not to early to start discipling her the sooner
the better! With a new baby on the way she can be a great
access a helper as well as a big sister. Too many of today's
kids are disrespectful, rude, ill-mannered and openly defiant.

Best of Luck!

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It is not too soon for discipline or time out-I would just limit it to 2 minutes(1 minute per year of age). As the mother of an almost 3 year old, I can tell you that your daughter is at the age that the terrible two's started for us(and have not ended!). She is at the age where she is going to start testing limits and fighting for independence. My daughter did everything you described, even the sitting in the lap at dinner. I am sure the fact that you are expecting may be adding to it, too(both your stress as well as hers). Hang in there. The good news is that she will be at an age where she wants to be involved and help when the new addition is born.

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Your daughter is beginning the terrible two stage. They will test you to the degree of madness. My daughter did the same thing. It is not too early for time outs but realize she will most likely not sit still for those time outs. You need to try to talk to her that you will not tolerate that kind of behavior and try to set some limits. At times you will be tempted to give in just to get some peace but try to remain firm when telling her no about certain things.
As for the high chair situation, I would just put her in it and stick to my guns about it. Otherwise you could be sitting with your daughter on your lap while trying to eat for a very long time.
At this age they do try to test the boundaries and can at times seem to drive you crazy but be patient..it will eventually pass.
Best of luck!

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Hello~ Children are smarter than we think. As parents children need consistancy in everything they do. This includes misbehaving as well as discipline. She needs to be responsible for her actions, good or bad. You praise her when she does well and discipline when needed. Explain to her what the consequences are going to be and stick with it. How long? Until she gets it. Sooner or later they figure out right from wrong. There's a time to be up and around and theres a time to sit. I found with my child explaining and following thru works wonders. If you continue to give in to make everyone happy, you're only hurting everyone in the end. CONSISTANCY. It works.
Good luck and be patient.

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we are going throught the same thing. It was as if you wrote about my last couple of weeks. It use to be every now and then but it has suddenly escalated lately and this is all the time now!!! He even clings to me at daycare... this is a place he loved two weeks ago.

I wonder if they are just so much more aware of the enviroment around them that they want to be secure and close to a parent. I know that doesnt help but... I really think it might be a phase.

No, time out and discipline need to happen early on. BUT remember she is little and doesnt really understand consequence or reason yet. I have heard many times that you can give a time out but it has to match the age... one minute for every year of age is recommended by many pediatricians.

We use time outs to reset little one when he has his melt downs. It resets him in usually unde a minute and then I gather him up and make sure he knows I love him and that his behavior wasnt so nice. And, I try to ignore some of his temure tantrums so that he wont think these fits begets positive attention or what he wants. Some times this doesnt work though! LOL! Hope this helps a little!

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Hi,
Generally we are the ones to cause the problems because we are not CONSISTENT. She needs to get to know you as well as you know her and what she can expect from you. Now you have to decide what that is.
She needs gentle guidance and somewhere you have given in and that's all she needed to push her to the leader of the pack. When your husband tried to carry her and she refused after not wanting to walk or ride in the stroller,then she should have gone back in the stroller. Common sense says that it has wheels and if you want to be comfortable since your pregnant it is the easiest way for you to transport her whether she likes it or not. HER choice ended when she threw the tantrum. Your carrying her was re-enforcement for the tantrum and it was better for her, but miserable for you. She learned that she can get her way by a tantrum. Why did you give in? Try to use every moment to be a learning or teaching moment. Think first...before you act asking yourself, Is this a behavior I want to encourage"?
Time out might be a little too soon, but when you do begin it, it's one minute per year. It's not a battle of the wills, but trying to train her in the best way as she grows. Whatever you do, do with love unwavering. They need to be taught as they go because they are always progressing and learning. Believe me, it won't take long for HER to train YOU into being a submissive parent, uh oh, I think you may have been trained...
Kuddos to your wonderful husband for serving our country.
Some things we just have to get through the best way we can.
Start now and lay the ground work before you have two.

Wish you the best.

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Yep, terrible 2's, here they come!! Plus you are expecting again (congrats!!) and she can pick up on all your stresses about it!! If you want her in her stroller in the mall put her there and strap her in. So what if she screams her head off!! You are pregnant and don't need to be carrying her all the time and if she won't walk, then too bad!! At dinner time, strap her into her chair or make her sit on the floor if she won't eat. But your lap isn't her spot at the dinner table. With this age, it's not as much of disipline as it is laying down the ground work for the rules of behaviour and how you as a parent are going to stick with them. Especially for the fact you are an Army wife!! There will come a point in time when you are mommy and daddy at the same time and if you don't have control now, she will run you over when daddy is deployed and teach the baby bro/sis how to do it too!!

Just stand firm with her and she'll get the picture. You can even start using time outs as well for 2 mins at a time.

Good luck!
S.

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i agree with the moms who suggested giving 2 choices. even if those choices are 1. do what i say or 2. go in time out. that way she realizes having things her way are not always an option, but at least she can have some control. and that's really what she wants right now. she's learning that she can manipulate her environment, and is no longer content sitting idly by while you choose everything for her.

time out for 2 minutes has worked great for my daughter, who is 2, when she refuses to do something and throws a tantrum. she gets so caught up in the tantrum, i don't think she even remembers what it is she's mad about. time out gives her time to calm down, and when it's over, i say "okay, are you ready to be a big girl and do what i asked of you?" and she always does it.

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I agree with the mom who said give her two choices. Then follow through on the choice she makes. Ignore the tantrums as much as possible. The worst thing you can do is give in to her. That sends a very clear message that if she screams loud enough, then that gets what she wants. I am not so much a fan of time out at this age. I go more for distraction until they are a bit older and can process what time out is. For instance, I would have strapped her in the stroller, let her scream until I got to build a bear or somewhere interesting, and then said, "When you stop crying we can look". Trust me, I worked in a pre-school, and that worked every time. It seems like bribery, but I think it just sends them the message that if I conform to expectations then I will be rewarded. If I do not, then I do not get rewarded. Isn't that how society works? If I follow the rules/laws then I get freedom of choice, and if I break the rules/laws then I get a fine. Once they have cried a minute or two, chances are at that point they don't even remember why they were crying, so that is when the distraction comes in. It takes their mind off being mad and gives them a reason to behave.

Good Luck!

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Hi, I am a working mom, married for 9 years w/a 9 year old daughter, and a son due at the end of December. My daughter was EXTREMELY headstrong, fits in public, etc. We had to use a strong hand, lots of patience, and CONSISTANTCY, above all else. I had thought Dr. Phil did not know anything, as when my daughter was 2, she would refuse to stay in time out! Time out is very good, but you have to be firm. Advise her she should not behave that way, and that if she continues that way, you will take her out to the car, and make her sit in time out. The key with something like this, is following through. If you say 'we'll leave if you do not stop your fit right now', then LEAVE if she persists. If you threaten her with time out, follow through, even if it means stepping out of a restaurant, public place, etc. Once she gets the idea you WILL do what you say, the episodes should start to lessen. I've had to leave a grocery store with a full cart of groceries, due to mine halving a fit, so I know how this feels. Ironically, my daughter and I watch Nanny 911 together, and discuss all the behavior issues we see portrayed, so, see-she's come full circle!

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I started giving my daughter options at that age. For the stroller (which we almost never used) you can either ride in the stroller or walk holding my hand. If neither option sounded good I chose the one that I wanted. With the high chair you might want to consider moving her into a booster seat. Let her feel like a big girl. She will be a big sister soon and she will not want to sit in the same kind of seat that the baby does. Start it out as an option "Do you want to sit in the high chair or the big girl seat?" Kids like to feel like they have some control in their small world giving them 2 acceptable choices makes your life and theirs so much better. Always make sure you can live with either choice cause sometimes they will choose your least desired lol.

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oh yes... the smarter they are the more they test!! And you carried her thru the mall because? you couldn't stand her screaming? She learned in a hurry that that works.

my mum used to say that the only reason my brothers teased me was because I was teasable. Have you tried just letting her cry. When she thru the tantrum what did you do? Lift her up in horror or let her do it and say, when you get done let me know so we can proceed. It is so totally amazing how when you have no reaction.. it soon quits. No attention.. no reward.

this is just what i have learned after having two grown daughters (one that thru tantrums until she got no reaction.. except when home, and then she was sent to her room until she could smile) big sister tattled.. she is out of her room. she SMILED said I am smiling.
And watching # 4 grand daughter with the temper. She also started two early. And yes, she understands choices and time out.

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Ann stole my words. ;) Welcome to the terrible twos. It will get worse before it gets better. Sometimes it's just easier to let them have their way than to get into a huge battle and lose YOUR sanity. You can try time-out or taking a favorite toy away for a few minutes. It might not work at all. My daughter went through a stage of sitting in my lap during meals. It was hard, and I could never enjoy a meal, but I did it most of the time just to prevent the fight. I doubt she's able to really manipulate you at this early age, so just let her sit with you. Even though she sits with you, every night ask her to sit by herself. It won't go on for 5 more months. She'll stop eventually.

Now's a good time to tell her there is a baby inside of your belly if she doesn't already know. Let her talk to the baby every night. Tell her the baby is going to bring her a present when she arrives. (Then, go to Walmart and get a toy to have in the hospital with you.) All of this will help her love the new baby rather than envy the baby. Start now!

She's not going to run the house. Just hang in there.

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Yes...welcome to the "terrible twos"! Actually there are probably two things going on at once. First,you are pregnant and your daughter is no longer the baby of the family. I know the baby isn't born yet but my guess is that you have already told her. That is not a bad thing but you have to get her excited about being "the big sister". Maybe give her some input on decorating the baby's room something to make her feel involved and important. Prepare her for the eventual problem of tending to the baby before her. Tell her that can be a drag but it's part of being a Mom just like you did with her. Second,she is testing her limits with you. She only has so much control over her world and she is trying to make it as big as possible. As hard as it is going to be you can't cave in just to make peace! In the case of the mall maybe you could have made her stay there on a bench either with you or your husband but carrying her was out of the question and you can tell her why. She does understand more than you know and can manipulate your ignorance. I'm not saying she is bad just testing. Time outs do work but not for all kids. If she is outgoing and loves people time outs are effective because they hate to be isolated. If she is independent then you may have to find another avenue. Sometimes you have to call their bluff but that has to be done in a more controlled situation especailly these days! All I really can tell you is hang on and be consistent. I have left more carts full of food at the grocery store than I care to admit because one of my kids decided to have a tantrum. It's not fair to people around you to have to listen to it is my opinion...but that's just me. In fact sometimes the little ones get over stimulated and they just don't know how else express it! Well I wish you luck and remember to enjoy them when you can. They survive and so do we..in spite of it all!

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As the mom of a two year old, who is very well behaved the majority of the time, it is time to discipline (I am 2.5 months prenant too). We use timeouts. 1 minute per year old. But she is testing you! Sometimes it may be an inconvenience or embarassing, but she needs to know that mommy and daddy are serious (making her sit in her chair to eat or ride in her stroller). We explain everything also. If she gets upset about something we have her do, we tell her its okay to be upset, but that mommy can't carry her or that she has to sit in her chair to each, etc. But we let her know that her feelings are ok. I think if you are firm and consistant she will be fine. Good luck, and congrats on the pregnancy.

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This is the age when children are trying to figure out and understand behavioral limits. This is why it seems like they try us so much. It's more of a learning experience for them than anything. The only way to teach your child limits is to enforce them every time. If she knows that she can dictate mommy and daddy's life, she will continue to do so. If you consistently enforce what you want and expect her to do, she will realize that she has no option but to comply. But, you cannot give her the option to do what she wants. If she throws a fit and embarrasses you in public, then at least you know you stuck to your guns. She will come around eventually. In the meantime, you kind of have to show her and teach her who is in charge and that it's not her. So, you are not necessarily "disciplining" her, but rather you are simply not bending to her behavior. You mean what you say.

I hope this helps!
K.:)

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I have a 22 1/2 and a 6 1/2 mth old daughters and I have been giving my oldest time outs since she was a year old. I have found them to be very successful in detering behavior and giving you some cool down time. When she was a year up until recently we gave time outs in her crib for just a minute to remove her from the situation to regain her self control, it's a safe place, and I had time to clean up mess or have a moment of cool down to regroup. I always make a quick discussion when taking her out of time out. For example, I told you no, next time you need to listen to mommy. You can get more in depth as your child gets older and understands more. You would be surprised as to how much they truely understand even if they can not verbalize it now you'll see results later.
Now a days she's in a toddler bed so I just put her in her room and close the door for a minute or two and when I return we discuss and she usually says she's sorry and gives me hugs and kisses. Kids need to be disciplined and what I mean by that is given guidelines as to what is and is not appropriate behavior so that they can learn self control which is really the underlying issue. I say the sooner you nip the behavior in the bud the better. The key is quick response and consistency whatever you choose to do. I wouldn't yell at her but I would tell her in a firm and normal voice that her behavior is unacceptable and give her a consequence. Works wonders for me. Good luck!

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