Discipline for Sensitive 11 Year Old Boy

He's probably crying because he's getting punished for things he needs help and guidance with, making him feel like a lonely failure. I just finished the book "How to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk" and I think it could help you now tremendously. You need new ways to solve these forgetting problems, and the solutions need to come mostly from him. Don't GET him tools that you think should work, help him figure out what WOULD help him personally. And don't punish him when things fall through the cracks, "that didn't work, let's discuss what went wrong and maybe you can figure out how to deal with this next time..."

I think that when he goes to his room to cry, let him be. Let him come out when he's ready. Give him the space to feel whatever he's feeling without feeling like he has to pull himself together for you on your timetable.

6th grade is a transition for all of the kids. The switching classes, a different teacher for each subject.. This is what middle school is all about. It sets a foundation for him to get through high school and college.

The teachers know this, but do expect the students to either figure out a system or the STUDENT to ask for help.

What you can do at home is to "guide him" in figuring out a system that works for him and then step back. He has to fail sometimes. Do not "save" him. Let his teachers know you are going to assist him, but you want him to figure out that there are consequences and HE is responsible.

He will not be failed for not turning in his homework on time. He will just get a lower grade. He may not make the first honor roll for the first time in his school career! This will not affect his standing in advanced or accelerated courses.. this is when he learns consequences. He will "own:" his grade because he has not figured out a system that works for him.

This is a safe time for this. His disappointment in himself will be hard enough. But you can continue to take away the extras as you are doing if you feel it is making a difference.

To tell you the truth, we did not ever punish our daughter for this. She was upset and disappointed in herself already.. She "HAD to be on that first honor roll!" It was her own goal. She would beat herself up over it so bad, we felt it was punishment in its self. If they turned in their homework late, it was still graded, but they lost 10 points per day! We knew she was doing the work, but had not figured out HER system yet. I told her teachers that I was not going to save her and they were all on board with this. They told me they knew she was bright, but just disorganized.

When he does turn it in, congratulate him and ask, "what is your system?" "Do you think this is going to continue to work for you?" "I am bet you are glad it is all getting there on time."

When our daughter was in 6th grade, she found that having a separate folder for each subject helped her keep up with notes, and homework assignments. Red for math Blue for Language arts etc.
On the inside the left side pocket was the "assigned home work" the right side was the "completed home work" ready to turn in..

Also the school gave every student an agenda. As you walked into class, you were encouraged to write down the assignments in the agenda. Any handout homework, went into her "subject folder".

If it was a "project" due in 2 weeks, at home she would plot out her goals.
Research, graphs, purchase supplies, completion.. Does not matter, she waited till the last moment most times!!! But I did not jump in a save her. She knew that I would assist her if she asked, but I was not the one that was going to run out in the middle of the night for supplies for a project she knew about for weeks before. She seemed to finally figure this out completely by 7th grade.

Your son will be upset with himself. He will be upset because you are upset. We always told our daughter, "we love you. We are not mad at you, but we know you can do this." Maybe start taking a step back on trying to save him. He is not a baby, but he is sensitive at this age. The hormones are raging. He is intelligent, he just is not totally mature. Give him space. You do not need to comfort him when he cries out of frustration with himself. He needs to learn to take these feelings and figure out how to handle this..

I know where you are coming from. Our daughter has always been an excellent student with very high goals, but I knew I had to let her earn her real grades now, because this was her education.

Hang in there.. This is so totally normal. It is a small bump in the road. Do not spend so much time focused on him. Give him some space. It is a change for you too.

I don't think you are doing anything wrong. My son (now 13) is very sensitive too. He can "take" a lot, but he really loves getting hugs. Not just when he has gotten in trouble, but almost daily. More so since he hit middle school, surprisingly enough. Middle school is a HUGE adjustment. Add to that the fact that you actually MOVED just before him going into middle school, and you must realize that he is going through an incredibly tough set of changes. (not trying to make you feel guilty, at all. It is what it is, and it isn't wrong to have all these changes come into his life...but it IS change and lots of adjustments on his part). Additionally, he's got this great new stepdad. :) Which, great as it sounds like it is, is still another adjustment. That is a lot of adjusting for a young man hitting those tween years. I say give him all the hugs you want! I always go talk to my son after he's gotten into trouble. He usually wants to be left alone for a bit, then I'll go talk to him and his attitude and mood are dramatically different at that point. He needs those hugs to do exactly what you are doing: reassure him that even though he messed up, you still love him. Especially during this huge time of transition for your son... he needs that stability.
Good for you for giving it to him. :)

I think you're doing fine with him.
Changing classes / middle school type setting is a BIG change and a major stress for many, many students.
It takes some adjusting and time but the time management skills do develop.
Your hubby might have grown up with a different situation, but there's nothing wrong with what you are doing.
Tween / teen time is tough.
It's much better if they feel close to an adult/parent and can talk out their feelings/troubles.

He probably can't help it right now. Some kids are just dreamers and do have a really hard time with organization and remembering. Alot going on for him. I wouldn't actually punish him for forgetting by yelling or time outs.What you need to do is work on setting clues that are going to remind him. Repeatedly doing stuff helps. To bad the new teachers cannot help.That can be a hit or miss. I know my daughter use to feel so rushed at the end of the day with one particular teacher she forgot stuff all the time. If you have a helpful teacher maybe he can be given a few more minutes to get what he needs. It could be something rewarding actually. Tell him if he can remember his homework for a week you will get him a reward. something he wants. Also get him something additional he can put in his locker or on his binder so when he remembers it he knows he got it by remembering his homework.. I remember one teacher said they'd meet with my daughter at the end of the day to make sure, but it became a punishment, with the teacher giving her a hard time for not having everything and that caused her to have a stigma with the other kids. Its amazing how some teachers can really help or hurt a child. Good luck to you

I haven't read the other answers. My approach may be a bit different than others.

I raised this child. Moving is very, very difficult at this age. Add to it that you have added a family member who is new and is supposed to be an authority over him.

My suggestion is that you let him know that you are on his team. It may drive you insane, but every day, and for every project, you may have to ask, "What are you/we supposed to be remembering for this?" Even if it's to take out the trash before bed. Let him know that he's not alone. As irritating as it is for you, it is surely a thousand times worse inside of him. He's already kicking himself. He doesn't need to feel like mom is kicking him, too. No punishment will cure it. Help him learn to make lists, and practice, practice, practice with him...getting ready for school, for practice, for bed, etc. And fill him with praise.

It's also a good time to teach him new things...household tasks, repairs, whatever you and your husband can teach him that will give him more to feel good about.

Some will say that this will make him a sissy (or whatever the current word for that is), but I think it will teach him that he can stand strong, confident, and prepared.

Are you referring only to the discipline for the forgotten homework and other school-related issues like that?

If that's the case: Let him take what's called the "natural consequences" rather than doling out too much discipline at home. For instance, the natural consequence of losing/forgetting homework is a lowered grade, or being kept in by the teacher from recess to do the homework, or whatever the teacher's system is. I'd ask the teacher what he or she does in those cases, so you can reinforce matter-of-factly with your son that "You forgot your homework. You know that Mr. X's response to that tomorrow morning will be to lower your grade for the quarter by Y points" or whatever it is. Yes, you can follow up with taking away something at home that he values like games, but I would put much, much more emphasis on the "natural consequences" for now.

He's had a ton of changes: His beloved dog is gone; new dad (two years, yes, but he'll be adjusting for a long, long time); new home; new school; loss of old friends and he's grieving that; need for new friends, and you can't be sure how well he's really making them in school when you're not there. I'm not saying these are reasons never to discipline him. But his sensitivity has a lot of reasons behind it, and like you, I would lean toward comforting him for some time to come. I think you're right to show love but stick to discipline (let's call it discipline since the point is to teach; punishment just punishes without regard for teaching a lesson).

However, it sounds like he might need not only more organizational skills as you're trying to develop with the locker organizer, etc., but more emotional skills too. I would talk (just you and dad at first) with the school counselor and explain ALL the changes in and out of school. Talk to the counselor about how you can work with her or him, the classroom teacher, and your son to get him better organized AND to ensure he is doing OK with the new school and new social setting. I'd also ask his classroom teacher if he seems unduly sensitive in school and even if he's cried in class or is being taunted for being sensitive. If it's all a total shock to the teacher, then you're seeing it at home but it's not an issue at school. If the teacher has picked up that your son is very sensitive, you may want to work with the counselor on how your son can keep his sensitivity -- it's not a fault, as he gets older it will be a vitrtue and maybe make him a better man! -- while still coping with adversity.

It definitely sounds like some emotional immaturity on his end. I honestly dont remember my boys ever crying after about the age of 6 or 7.
When they were sent to their room for punishment I didnt give them "the hug" until after they came out to apologize for whatever they got sent to their room for.

My 10yo is pretty much the same way, only difference is that mine is moderately ADD (no hyperness) and has a touch of anxiety. He's very sensitive for a kid. Its normal for him to end up crying when he's gotten in trouble. I think what you are doing is fine. If he's angry, let him throw a fit while in his room with a simple reminder that if he breaks something then that item will go in the trash. But if he's just crying and sad, then i see no reason to give him a hug/comfort and then he can go on with the time out/grounding/whatever.

Usually with mine after I tell him whatever the punishment is, I let him cry. He knows he's done something that he needs to pay more attention to. But as he cries, I will stand there and hug him and let him feel loved. I don't forget about the discipline, but because he is so sensitive I do comfort him.

I think there is the fear that if I don't then he will feel that I'm turning my back on him, that he will feel alienated, that he's unloved. Because he is known for letting his thoughts go wild and inducing anxiety attacks, I want to make sure he doesn't end up falling into a depressive state or that he starts to shut down emotionally. I definitely don't want to have to deal with an anxiety attack and still have to stick to the terms of discipline after. I do wish that sometimes he isn't so sensitive (ie: telling him that his computer time is over without early reminders that he only has so much time left does lead to tears and fits of anger - he has no concept of time. He understands it, but has no internal "clock" function), but I love how sympathetic he is with others. I love that he can "feel" emotion from songs/music.
HTH

Hi Nina, my heart goes out to you and your son. Relocating is very h*** o* everyone, but especially at this age. In middle school friends become more important to kids and now he finds himself without any nearby.

We moved two years ago, also across the state and also to Katy. It was a rough year or so for our son, too, who is in high school. Rough on them and rough on moms who love them and worry about them! Here is the good news: our son is now doing great and given some time, yours will be also.

I would love to chat more with you, maybe have coffee or lunch. Feel free to write to me and we can chat some more. In the meantime, just keep loving him, reassuring him and giving him the benefit of the doubt.

By the way, the one way our son did still feel "connected" was by being able to play his x-Box games with his friends from home...talking to them while playing was a lifesaver for him!

Hugs to you because I know where you are and how you are feeling.

Nina,
Does your son have Asperger's Syndrome? Or is he borderline Asperger's?

My son is, and your son sounds VERY much like mine. I have suggestions for you, but I'm going to have to send them later - it's 11:30 pm and I'm exhausted and probably wouldn't make much sense right now. I will try to remember to PM you on Tuesday.
Blessings.

Nina - it sounds like you have the almost-perfect child! Do you think that it is time for someone else to step in to help your "absent-minded professor"?

I would hate to see your relationship with your child end up damaged because you feel you must discipline. I would also hate to see you get into it with your husband because you don't agree. How about outside extracurriculars that require responsibility for ones own actions - martial arts, group music (band, choir), team sports, team academic competitions. That way, he is held accountable by someone other than YOU. HOWEVER - it does sound like he may not have all the tools to manage his time and tasks to be best of his ability. A professional child psychologist might be able to shed some light on this for you.

Best wishes to you and your family. It will all be ok in the end.

is it possible...a tween boy who was used to being his mothers only focus, now isn't, that he is playing up the drama for you just a bit? i think that at 11 years old, he knows you love him. he knows and expects that when he gets in trouble, you lay down the law, then come up to love on him. he's 11. i get that he is a sweet, well meaning child...but he still got in trouble. maybe try it your husband's way, and see if it changes things. make sure (of course) that you still give him lots of one-on-one (mom n me dates for instance) so that he knows he hasn't been replaced in your life...but ya know...if your tactic gets the same results every time...maybe it's time to try something different. he's almost a teenager. running to his room and dissolving into tears at this point is a little childish, to me. i get that he's upset though. there's no reason to be mean...but there's also no reason to coddle him at this point. it's even possible, subconsciously, that he's not trying too hard to remember, if it gets him extra attention. maybe knowing that he's not going to get that undivided loving from mom, might convince him it's a good idea to try harder to remember. just a thought. good luck. poor kid...