41 answers

Disappointed with My Husband

I am feeling really disappointed with the relationship with my husband. This has been going on for a long time. It seems he really doesn't care about my feelings or support me. He travels a lot for work (gone 5 of the last 6 weeks, weekends included) and I am holding down the house, finances, 3 kids (ages 3, 2, 9mos) and a stressful job. I realize his travels and time apart is taking a toll on our relationship. When he comes home he is so tired but there is a lot of work to be done in terms of our home and the 3 little kids. It seems he takes opportunities to criticize my efforts (complaining I dripped laundry detergent on the floor, etc) and gives very little breaks ("why do you need a break from the kids?"). My birthday was last month and he DID NOTHING...Mother's Day was yesterday and he DID NOTHING (until I finally mentioned something to him at 2pm). It isn't like I blew off his birthday. I flew him to AZ to see a baseball game on his birthday. After my birthday last month, I gave him a heads up that Mother's Day is coming up and I wanted to feel special. Again, I felt let-down. He says he cares about me, but really doesn't show it or seem to appreciate all that is being done. We have tried counseling. We have tried family support. He just seems so resistant to showing me kindness....fortunately for the kids, he is extremely loving and kind to them. Most of the time, I just want a divorce...but, then I worry about the effect on the kids.

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

If you are at the point of wanting a divorce, you need to talk to him about this, preferably in counseling. Divorce is hard on kids, but so is growing up with an unhappy Mamma who is mistreated by their Dad. If he knew you were too this point he may step up, he may not know how bad it has gotten for you. Talk to him.

2 moms found this helpful

Where was he on those days? Away, out with others, or home with you? Did he atleast give you a card with a personal note in it? Let you sleep late, take the kids out for you to have alone time? Some guys think that's all women want. Maybe, for the next holiday or occasion, you might get him a taste of his own medicine and see how he takes it.

I would suggest that you both may want to read the book "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It's helped me to be able to interact more intentionally in a number of relationships, especially with my significant other. The premise is that there are 5 basic ways that people give and receive love. Everyone has one or two methods that are preferred. A lot of the time, spouses have different preferences and so, without intentionality, they often miss loving their mate in the best way.

More Answers

Have you told him you want a divorce yet? Dont wait, do it now. Let him know how serious you are. But don't file yet.

2 years ago my husband said he wanted a divorce. And after he said that he suddenly became very mean spirited and (even more) distant than before. I knew he meant business.
It jolted me into reality. I read my Bible, and God showed me all the things I needed to do to - Even though I felt like I was the one who was unloved, I needed to show him unconditional love. I needed to serve him, even though I was not being served. He woudln't give me ANY affection, but i continued to iron his clothes, make him birthday cakes, meals, and forgive him daily, even hourly, for how he was treating me. I did this because of an earlier prayer encounter with the lord : I felt my husband was being unfair, and I cried to the Lord. "Lord- you said he was suppose to love me and lay down his life for me!"...and the Lord replied, "I LAID DOWN MY LIFE FOR YOU- do you show you love me?" BAM! that was a blow- i was accusing my husband of doing the very same thing i was doing to the lord- not loving him. At this point I had a renewed love for the Lord, and I wanted to follow him and show him I loved him. The lord told me to serve my husband, so I served my husband as if i was serving the Lord.
Slowly, over a period of several months, his harshness began to change. My husband told me he couldnt divorce me anymore because he could see the spirit of the Lord living in my heart.
Our story is very much like the movie "fireproof" which came out after our ordeal. Rent it and watch it together.
We also read the book "his needs, her needs".
I think a real heart changer besides the Bible was:
for him to read - "If he only knew, what no woman can resist"
for you to read-"sacred influence, what a man needs from his wife to be the husband she wants".
Read these three books, take them to heart.
Katernia, the Lord CAN fix your marriage. But you will have to surrender - and that means, not focusing on your needs, but focusing on your husband needs. I know that sounds strange, but beleive it or not- your husband most likely thinks its your fault that things are bad- because he isnt getting his needs met! it is human nature to want OUR needs met, and if they are not met, to blame the relation problem on the other person and go off looking for needs to be met somewhere else. Needs are a powerful motivator. SOMEONE has to be the first to break that cycle. It isnt a matter of one of you being "more wronged' than the other, it a matter of both of you wronging eachother- being selfish and not considering the other person's needs but your focus being soley on your own. The BIble says that woman was made for man, as his helpmeet. She is told to RESPECT him. In return, the man is told to LOVE his wife the way the lord loved us, and laid down his life for the world. So your hubby is to LOVE you, to the point of laying down his life for you, and you are to RESPECT him. This is a very high endeavor. You have to do your part- even if the other isnt doing his- to get things to go back to the way god designed relationships to be.

I trusted the lord and HE fixed my marriage- He humbled my heart and told me exacly what I needed to do. My marriage is now better than ever. What a waste of a beautiful family if we would have divorced. What a waste of spirit! My poor children went through living hell during our period of "impending divorce" but now they can see how the Lord can work miracles in anyones life- if you beleive in what he says and not give up or give into doubt. Satan will try to make you doubt that God is working on it. Every time satan lies to you and makes you doubt, run to your Bible and read the promises that god tells you are TRUE. Of most importance is: Be patient and WAIT ON TE LORD. It took us 8 months (we both were waiting on the Lord to change his heart) before my husband was ready to stay and say he will not file papers . My husband now adores me, and almost worships me- lavishes affection on me and is very careful with my feelings-a big change from 2 years ago!!! The Lord humbled him and showed him how much he was hurting me. In the past I jumped up and down and complained to my husband for years about my need to be loved- he never heard it. But he heard it loud and clear when it came from the Lord.

So dont jump ship. Find the Lord!
And get those three books- you can probably find them used on Alabris.com or amazon. Read the book of Mathew, and proverb 31 in the bible.

"The righteous cry out and the Lord hears them, he delivers them from their troubles"- psalms 34:17
"you need to PERSEVERE so that when YOU have done THE WILL OF GOD, you will recieve what he has promised" hebrews 10:36

God bless,
Gail

3 moms found this helpful

I have felt the same way at times. I have 4 little ones and work part-time. My husband never helped around the house and only seemed to point out the things I hadn't gotten to yet. In fact he too complained that I dripped laundry detergent on the washer (lol). I felt like, heck I'm a single mom already with him gone so much, so why don't we go ahead and make the split. However, I can't imagine having to tell the kids. Well, flash forward about 1 year. Things are different. Mainly because he stopped working so much. He was working 3rd shift 6-7 nights a week. He was too exhausted to help out even when he was around. He finally convinced figured out we didn't NEED the money and it wasn't worth it. The kids were growing up and he was missing out on it all. If I want to call him into action, I just tug at his heart strings about the kids; "I can manage ok if you are gone all the time, but it really hurts the kids not to see you more. The kids are asking about you all the time and they are really sad that you aren't home more". My husband forgot our Wedding Anniversary AND it's on his Birthday! I though it was thoughtless, insensitive and self-centered. Truth is he was probably just really tired and didn't know which way was up.

I don't know what the root of your issues maybe but you need to get to the bottom of it. Don't just walk away without knowing what went wrong. And know that the only thing that's constant is change, so hang in there and see what changes over time. I really like this website: www.projecthappilyeverafter.com. Best Wishes to you!

2 moms found this helpful

Ask yourself this question... would you want your children to grow-up and replicate this marriage? Do you want your sons to learn to be husbands from yours? Do you think you want your daughters to remain in a situation like this? If you answered "no", then have this discussion with your husband and tell him that you would like to discuss a separation. If he is interested in making things better, give him a timeframe in which to do it and ask him specifically what he plans to do.

At the end of the time frame, reassess and decide.

Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

Just a quick note on comments that you should tell your husband you're thinking about divorce, so maybe he will "step it up" and take you more seriously. This is illogical. Why invest in something that is doomed anyway? Why try and get counseling if it all is going to fall apart anyway? This kind of interaction will reinforce rejection, and push him even further away.

My sister's husband told her, "when you say you're thinking about divorce, it makes me just want to walk away right now." (His parents had gooten divorced when he was 10. A pattern of failure and broken trust was already established in his life.) x Instead, she decided to do the best she could with what she'd been given. She went to al-anon and learned about boundaries and expectations, how to "speak the truth in love." Their marriage has improved, though it's not perfect-- these years later she's grateful that they stayed together. She learned more from staying with this marriage, focusing on her own spiritual growth, than she would have learned through the stress and heartbreak of divorce. And her kids learn about a promise and commitment. Find a better counselor, don't give up. I assure you, there was a reason you married this man. He has a lot to teach you, and your marriage will give you more gifts than you can imagine. You can do this. Don't settle for the way things are now, but don't give up either.

2 moms found this helpful

If you are at the point of wanting a divorce, you need to talk to him about this, preferably in counseling. Divorce is hard on kids, but so is growing up with an unhappy Mamma who is mistreated by their Dad. If he knew you were too this point he may step up, he may not know how bad it has gotten for you. Talk to him.

2 moms found this helpful

Your post is only a peek into your marriage, but from what you say it does sound like you are a full time single parent.

I hope that he does appreciate you, but take a look at it from his point of view. He is working all of the time, even at night when he is in a hotel or apt. he is not home to enjoy or be used to being a dad and a husband and a part of a family life.. His job is allowing you to have 3 children, stay at home, live in a house with a car. Many people do not have this great life.

How long has he had to travel for his job? Has been since you have been married? Since you had children? He may not know what to do with all of the kids. Also traveling is exhausting and stressful on its own. If he has to meet a quota, that is really stressful in this economy.

Is there any way for him to change this work schedule? Are there any things you all could cut back on so that he would not have to be away that long? Can you and the kids meet up with him more this summer?

I have had many mom friends that had multiple children , stay at home, drive nice cars, have beautiful homes, but their husbands are always working. And they live in town. Their husbands also kind of criticize little things and it drives these moms crazy. They get upset that their husbands are not home, but they are living a life based on the total income of these husbands and not understanding that something has to give. To be really, really successful, these men are really, really having to work a lot in a competitive business..

I have suggested the wives hire handymen to do the "husbands chores or fix its", so that when the husbands are home they can be dads and husbands. Also I have suggested these families prioritize spending.

One friend purchases a new car every 4 years. Why not wait 6 years? Why not purchase a slightly used car instead of t a brand new car. Instead of living in the huge house consider down sizing, the house but stay in the neighborhood?

To take the strain off of you, maybe you could hire someone to come in once a week and do the mopping, and cleaning of the bathrooms etc..Hire a college student to come in a couple of times a week for half days so you can exercises or run your errands alone. Make arrangements to meet your husband out of town with the kids once a month for a long weekend. Even if he is not there during the day, you all would spend more time with hi in the evenings..

I am sending you strength. You all can solve this, you just need to find a way to sit down and have a heart to heart. Let him kow you miss him and want his time at home to be pleasant, but not sure how to make it happen. Discuss some options..

1 mom found this helpful

I'm not sure what you should do, but from my perspective, you are both living in two different worlds.
He gets to travel and come home to criticize you and you are good to him for his birthday, etc.
You are at home with the kids and don't get remembered for things.
Oh....how I truly believe things would change if you only traded roles for a week. I'm not sure that's possible....but I think he would see the world a little differently if you could.
Heck, I'd be pretty happy if all I had to do was travel around. Come home once in a while and nit-pick. I don't know your husband, but like I said, it seems he's living in his own world and he doesn't see a problem with it.
I don't know if you can get him to empathize with you.
I wouldn't give up on the counselling just yet, and you may have to come right out and tell him that you already feel like a single parent so you aren't seeing the upside of the marriage "partnership". If you're to the point you feel you want out, you need to at least give it one last go and lay it all out there for him to hear. They may suggest that some type of role reversal take place. I don't know. Maybe one weekend, no matter how tired he is, you go to stay with a friend or family and he takes care of the kids by himself. Then, goes right back to work.
I do understand your feelings because I've been there. Getting your husband to understand them is another thing.
I told one of my friends that was complaining about the same things that she was partially responsible for creating the monster. I've known them for years and years and really, it's hard to tell if he's just insensitive or spoiled rotten. I didn't say that to hurt her, she totally agrees with me. He's treated like royalty because she loves him and he loves her, but she ends up feeling like a slave half the time. So, she goes on strike every now and then. She works too. And takes care of everything else. Usually when she just quits for a few days, it lasts for quite a while.
You're obviously an awesome wife and mom so I really hope you can get this worked out with your husband.

Take care!
I wish you the best and hope you get some great responses.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi Katrina,

I'm sorry your marriage is hitting this patch. My husband is military and, as a result, he is gone ALOT. We are currently seperated because he is in Dover, DE, our new duty station and I am here until the school year ends. We have been seperated since January. He had only been home for less than nine months after a deployment to Iraq. That kind of separation can be a killer on a marriage. My husband is also very "task" focussed and loses the big picture. For instance we are saving all we can so that we can afford to make this move without racking up a ton of credit. We are also paying for two residences, one for him and one for me. He was so focussed on all this that he didn't even send a card. Two dollars and fifty cents plus one stamp would have made me happy. No dice. He's gonna hear about it. I'm giving the mail one more day. Last year for Father's Day I gave that man CHRISTMAS. Literally, while he was out at a ballgame we recreated the entire holiday that he missed while he was deployed complete with tree, dinner, a TURKEY, Christmas presents with Christmas giftwrap. The whole shebang. I, however, didn't warrant a card. I say all this to let you know that it isn't just you, I think sometimes it's just marriage. Sometimes it is really great and sometimes not so much.

You say he's a great dad and that's really good for the obvious reasons, but it's also a good way to convey how you are feeling and appeal to him. Remind him that with every act of kindness or neglect he is teaching daughters how to expect to be treated by their husbands and sons how to treat their wives. If his little girl grew up and her partner henpecked her, ignored her, didn't show her affection, didn't show her appreciation, didn't help her how would he feel about the partner she had chosen? Could he sit silently and watch it or would he feel compelled to intervene? How would he feel about his daughter meekly accepting less than the best from the person who was supposed to love her? What about his sons? If he saw them treat their wives with indifference, treat them with a lack of support and affection, pick on little things and dig at their self esteem, how would he feel about them as men and husbands? Would he be able to sit quietly or would he feel compelled to pull them aside and "set them straight"? And how would he feel if they looked at him and said, "It's how you and mom do it, so why is it right for you and wrong for me?" We are ALL teachers and our actions teach the largest lesson. He might do with some reminding.

Sorry you are going through this,

L.

1 mom found this helpful

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