Difficult Situation - Bloomington,IN

Dear L.,

First, if you haven't already, don't tell your children they are going to see daddy. Just tell them you are taking a road trip. Then if he does not show, they won't be disappointed.

Laurie is absolutely right. I really don't see the harm in taking them to see him for dinner or even a round of mini-golf, or bowling. Your 4 year old may not remember him if he hasn't seen them in 9 months.

I also know that this is probably not your choice of a fun evening but if the father wants some contact - it is a relatively safe way to accomplish that. Your boys did not chose their father - you did - and they did not chose a divorce - you did. Try to remember that children love their parents despite their parents failings and try to respect that while protecting your children.

I agree that you do not want to leave them with him unsupervised after they have been admittedly abused in his care.

Be safe.

Stay with them and their father the whole time.

If you can swing it take the boys and let them see dad.

In the future you will want them to look back and realize you did your best. You protected them, but you also encouraged a relationship with their father, when ever it was possible and safe.

Kids are kids. They love their father, just as much as they love you.

Let that sink in, As a child of a terrible father when I was growing up. I knew my father was not perfect and had a temper, drinking problem etc, but I still loved him and would have defended him no matter what.

I respect my mother because even though my father put her and us through hell, she never, not allowed us or kept us away from our father.

She did make sure we were safe when we were with him, but never tried to keep him away from us, or us away from him.

I know this is very difficult for you, but keep in mind, this is for your boys.

i got advice..change your number. no dad in the kids life is better then one that drops them off with unexplained bruising . you can do better then their dad, and so can they. ok,so he calls you at the last second and expects you to pack up two kids he obviously isnt real fond of to begin with, drive at least an hour, just to have dinner with him..i dont think so . he doesnt pay child support, hes only around for short visits and only if its convenient for him..nah, i got better things to do. dont forget, if the ex husband is dropping them off with unexplained bruising and you dont demand an explanation from him, social services will be talking to you, not him, because you are custodial parent, not the ex husband. K. h.

Why do your boys want to see their daddy who beats them? And he's an alcoholic - double wammy. I am sorry about your situation. I wouldn't go out of my way to make it happen, if I were you. And, he MUST start paying you child support!! Truck drivers make good money. Have your lawyer arrange for a portion of his paychecks to be directly deposited into your bank account!!! Once this starts happening, and if he promises to be 100% sober around your boys, maybe you and the boys can meet him for dinner. And, since he beat them, he can never be alone with them again, so all your visits would have to be supervised. But arranging a visit should not happen now. He needs to straighten up and pay you child support!

The term you want to take to an attorney is "garnishment." You need to get a court to "garnish" his paychecks -- that means they remove your children's rightful support money right off the top of every single check he gets. He has a total of six kids, all of whom he does not see? I bet he's not paying the other mom(s) anything either. Can you see that he's not worthy of seeing your kids, no matter how much they cry for him?

It's time to make him man up and pay his share for raising the children he fathered. You must get an attorney and get support payments or your sons will ask you someday in the future, "Why didn't you make our dad at least support us financially since he wasn't around?"

You seem in both the post and the SWH addition to be very swayed by your four-year-old's emotions. Please get a grip on your own emotions here and do not let a young child's tears make you do things that endanger your kids--both physically (by letting him see them) and financially (by not going after him for support). You also are being swayed and "upset" by the dad "going on and on about how long it's been since he has seen them." He is trying emotional blackmail on you and it's working. Truly, it's time to toughen up. Neither an adult man nor a four-year-old boy should be driving this train. You should be in charge but you're letting your emotions run things.

I agree with the person who posted below that you could be held responsible if you send them to dad again, ever, after knowing that he abused them. I woudn't even have dinner with him -- he will use it to lay on more guilt.

It's time to see an attorney. If you can't afford one, ask about payment plans and sliding scale fees based on income. There are plenty of attorneys out there with experience in garnishment and other aspects of your situation. You really need to be the adult here and get the legal things in order. Be aware that you must also tell the attorney about the bruising you saw and ask how you can use that -- yes, use it -- to prevent dad from trying ever to sue for custody or even visitation.

omg. do not ever leave him alone with your kids. he physically abused them! as for dinner, i do not know if i'd even want to meet him for dinner. Unless he is in MY town and going to a local restaurant.

What is written in your custody agreement. Bruises; he would never have them unsupervised. Need to document any bruises. As for tonight, as long as you are there I see no harm. If it makes the boys happy, I would go. How have other visits gone when you met him in the past. Drama free or upsetting. If upsetting then stay home and do something special with them. Tough decision.

I would drive 10 minutes to have dinner at a place you know well and that doesn't involve a 1 hour drive each way for 2 young kids. If he is not paying child support, you cannot afford the gas to travel that far. Say that to him. Don't negotiate, don't cajole. If this man is abusive and volatile and is

If he is not able to drive to see them, then you have a view of his commitment to them. No way you should have driven 12 hours with 2 little ones to put them with someone they barely knew and who has such a temper.

I'm really surprised that a 4 year old is crying for Daddy after 9 months without someone else putting these thoughts in his head. Is someone else asking him about his daddy or making fun of him because he doesn't have one? It's one thing not to say anything bad about your ex, and it's another thing to continue to set your children up for disappointment by scheduling something for a guy who can't call or write or visit.

And absolutely he should never, ever be with them alone. If he is an alcoholic, you need to be somewhere close to home where you have access to protective services should he become violent.

Like all other moms in your situation, you can learn how to answer a crying child or even a curious one who wants to know where his dad is. You can find a non-damaging way to say that dad lives far away and drives a truck all over the country. If you continue to give in to him and drive all over out of guilt, then he still has some sort of emotional control over you.

You kind of have the answer in your post, saying "we are all so much better now." Hold that thought!!

I would seek counseling for the boys so they understand this is not their fault, but their father's failing.

If you do not want to stay and supervise, would a friend come with you to do it or can you leave him with them at the restaurant but be nearby at a shopping center? What does your CO say on the subject of supervised visitation?

Being an OTR truck driver, it would be almost impossible for him to see them more than just briefly as he's passing through. With that said, he has obviously made a choice to not be a daily presence in their lives. My FIL is an OTR truck driver. He has been for 20+ years. But he still talks to all of his children regularly. My husband is a dump truck driver, so he is pretty much driving most of the day. But he is still available via calls and texts if our children want to talk to him. It's simply a matter of choice.

Since he is asking to see them, you should take them. You never know how his relationship with them might develop over the next 10-20 years. Make sure you're doing your part.

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ETA: Ladies, child support and visitation have NOTHING to do with each other.

If it's just dinner and he won't be alone with them, I would probably go. Your children will understand when they are older who was the parent who was there for them.

I don't think I would keep them from him. I do NOT think he would have the opportunity to have them alone unless he has a court order for specific visitation. You tried and and it DIDN'T work. Poor kiddos. The belt is not okay.

He could always decide to take you back to court, show his phone call records off his bill, and say you interfered with his parental visitation but geesh, let's just hope he loves driving the truck and keeps on driving.

Also, go visit with the state child support office and get their free help to get your child support. If he gets a pay check or files taxes they'll get your money for you.

Supervised visits - like meeting him for dinner - is the only kind I'd willingly consent to do since he is physically abusive.

Do you have a court order in regards to post-marital finances, child support and visitation? The answer to that question makes all the difference about what you need to do next.

You talked a lot about the emotional and practical side of accommodating him to facilitate this visitation. But you didn't say a word about what your divorce decree says. What does it say?

And, you should decide now (if you haven't already) that you won't mention such requests to your boys when it can't happen. Did you tell them their Dad called and wants to meet for dinner before you decided whether to take them? Is that why the 4 yr old is crying he wants to see Dad? Or did Dad ask them on the phone before discussing it with you? If THAT is the case, you need to have a stern conversation with him regarding discussing such things with the boys before talking them over with you. It only serves to upset them needlessly if it doesn't work out.

Sounds like the perfect set up for them to visit with him.
Please don't ever drop them off to be in his care again.
When we know better, we do better.
Dinner as he drives through is perfect.
You should pursue child support however!

I think you should go have dinner with him. If your ex acts up, leave. Your boys could see you as the bad guy for "never letting them see their dad" if you totally shut him out. But if they see him with their own eyes, they'll understand later why you are not with him. And love you for it.