Difficult Prepuberty Teenage Daughter

I know you have received a lot of responses but I hope this helps. I was same way as a teen and my life felt out of control. I did not like having the attitude. I did not know why I felt the way I did and maybe she does not know and maybe she feels she can not control it. It would be my guess that something traumatic might have happened to her. I honestly would take her to counseling. My parents did all through high school with me. We did not have the money but there are a lot of groups out there that will help at no cost. Also, you could talk to the school counselor about it. Just love her and and let her know that no matter what you love her.

That sounds so much like my own 11yr old daughter. Her mouth and attitude and anger lately are too much. I'm clueless too. I'm looking to read the other responses as well. thanks for writing.

Moody? It sounds more like she is taking you for a ride. She cares about nothing? What preteen girl cares about nothing? If she acts like she cares about nothing she has a better chance of not losing what she does care about. I know this little trick, if I dont act like I like it, then no one will know.

The point is that she is doing exactly what she is allowed to do. No more, no less. She has to go to school, and if you are a church family then she has to go to church. The rest of the time is not hers, that is until she gets an attitude adjustment. Her room is a good place to start. Anti social behavior within a family if tolerated begins to infect the family.

I would say that she goes to school and comes home every day. When the attitude starts she can get reaquainted with her room. There is no one there to be antisocial with. In her room she gets privacy and lot of time to think. No exceptions, antisocial then to your room. After a while she will miss the outdoors, which she probably cares about. Or she will miss the chance to grab a snack from the fridge, which she probably cares about. She will miss her freedom which I am sure she cares about. She may enjoy being in there by herself for a few days but it gets old real fast.

After a while it hits home, if I want to be a part of the family, I have to act like they matter to me. If you blame the hormones or allow her to blame the hormones, you give her an excuse for life. Bad behavior has no excuse.

It is so hard, I know. Her perception needs to change, and that may require a change in environment, at least temporarily. If it were summer, I'd strongly recommend an away-camp of some kind, preferably working with some disadvantaged group of folks ... but now that it's school time, perhaps some community volunteer work could help.

IMO, until she perceives that she has much to be grateful for, she will not appreciate it, regardless of the punishment, in the face of she'll likely just take on the mantel of "victim" ... this is especially easy to do as a stepchild.

Try to find ways to *show* her the enormous nature of the blessings in her life. Provide a contrast to her "normal" life in your household by inserting her into other situations where she will *see* instead of being told that she's got it pretty good.

Also, consider a family/child psychologist, who could also help with the perspective issue, and giving her a forum to release some of her anger.

Good luck!
Steff

I do not have a pre-teen yet, but I do have an opinion. I agree that she says she cares about nothing so the risk of her loosing something is less. But I think she really needs either a big sister or some sort of counsling. While I am sure you are a wonderful step mom, and I know you said her mom was a good mom, her mom gave up cutody of her...maybe she is hurting more than anyone realizes. I know she chose to come back to you guys and maybe she is dealing with an inner struggle, first her mom gave up custody, then she chose to leave her mom, that is A LOT for an 11 year old. Then add to that the hormonal changes she is going through.
She does need to understand that regardless of what you are going through you cannot mis treat people, even if they are family. Good luck to you and your dear daughter.

The red flag that was waving for me is that she lived with your family and then with Mom and then with your family again.
Yikes! Obviously no one wants her enough to say "No, you don't get to choose, you stay with us because we love you and want you." What could be more frightening than to be 11 and be in charge of your own life? I would suggest some professional help for her and for you. She doesn not have the same family as your boys have so you can't really compare in any way nor expect the same results from discipline.

We adopted a boy at 11 that was tossed out by mom and the anger was astounding. The best thing that worked with him and I'm talking over the top anger here,(I swear steam came out of his ears when he was mad) was to send him to his room, each and every time he blew up. He even spent his birthday in is room one time. I did take his present and cake to him. It was so strange because he was fine with that.

It was a wild 6 years while he was here, he is 30 and doing well. Still loves us.
God bless you for loving this girl, you two have to stick together, you're surrounded by men!

You have your hands full! You gave a lot of information about your situation, but I think it is more complicated yet, so I will offer little advice.

Don't chalk this up to puberty, it may or may not be the cause of her attitude. Even if it is, you risk her attitude issues to become a habit even past puberty.

The red flag for me was when you stated that she didn't care about anything. That may just be a way of her continuing to control the conflict. She is in power because she has nothing to lose. She also may just need to learn a more appropriate way to deal with her maturing feelings. Keep it clear that attitude is crossing the line, but make sure you have a realistic, clear line. If not, you will just make things worse.

However, if she truly doesn't care about anything, if she has real feelings of hopelessness, you may have a more serious mental health issue. This may take some time to sort out, please take the time. Good luck!

What does she do in her free time? Whatever it is, take that away. It seems harsh, but it works. My parents made me pack up all of my books after I mouthed off that I didn't mind being grounded to my room since I could just read. If one thing doesn't work, take something else-but don't give back the first thing. Keep taking things until her room is empty or she gets better.
The flip of this is to make sure she knows and understands what you want. I spent a lot of time in trouble for things I didn't understand, too. I found out very late what whining was; evidently, my parents thought I was being sarcastic when I asked what they meant, but I really didn't know.

Being moody is one thing, but flat out angry and hating the world and everything in it means there is something deeper going on. Find a councelor for her and get her in counceling. What she is experiencing isn't part of puberty. Get her help now before it gets worse. Good luck and God Bless.

Honestly, I wouldn't take away the sports, or band, etc... I think the extracircular activities help with their attitude, and help with the social skills in making friends with their teammates. I know this helped my son out when he started sports at 5, and it's continuing to help him, as well as scouts now, and he's almost 8. Maybe she could try joining scouts, or if you go to church, have her get more involved with the youth group there. The more positive places she is, learning positive things, it might rub off on her! I know it helped me when I was younger. It's not an excuse, but put yourself in her place from time to time. My oldest gets a nasty attitude at times, and it's mostly on the nights he comes home from his Dad's, and he's having to readjust back to our rules etc... There isn't an excuse for it, but sometimes it can be a lot. Just try to set aside some time for her each day, or every other day, to talk to her and see what's going on with her life. Maybe you two (or her Dad) could go to lunch on the weekend and have a bit of "her" time to discuss what's going on etc... When I was younger, I acted out a lot, I didn't care what kind of attention I got, negative, or positive, I just wanted attention... Maybe that's what she's doing? It doesn't hurt to try things... Or maybe have another close relative or family friend talk to her etc... Good Luck. I know it's not easy! Just know you're not alone!

The fact that she has been with you since the age of three makes me think that it isn't the "intrusion of the step-mom into their life" syndrome. I have an 11 year old stepdaughter whose mother has many many mental issues,depression, bipolar, if she began behaving like your daughter I would suspect maybe some of these mental issues being inherited. I'd maybe have the doctor check her out to see if it's puberty related or something else.

That being said, I have two other girls and their attitudes varied completely from end of the spectrum to the other. It just depends on the kid as to how badly the puberty hormones affect them. Bare in mind, this is a REASON, not an EXCUSE for the behavior. All behavior is based on a persons choices. Help her to make better choices in how she expresses herself. The room banishment actually is a good idea and works well with most kids.
Behavior modifications at home will help her on her way to a better attitude in public as well as with her family. By the way, you didn't say whether the school or teachers have complaints, is she doing this there too>? If not I think that it's very telling. She's pushing you guys and your rules at that point.

She's frustrated about something. Whether it is her mother or school, or not having alot of friends. She is frustrated & probably doesn't even realize exactly why. Maybe it's being the only girl in the family. (The boys all have each other & she has "noone") Maybe it's that she knows her biological mother can't take care of her. Maybe she doesn't know how to "fit in" with kids at school. Trust me, she probably doesn't care about much of anything. And if she does care, when you take it away she is no longer going to care about it. Try to get to the root of the problem. Puberty may have something to do with it, but I think it's more than that. I don't think she has some "disorder" or anything, she just has feelings & she's confused about what she is feeling and it's coming out in anger. Counseling could be good if it's portrayed as a positive thing (on her side). Have you talked to her teachers or anyone to see how she is at school? or how her social skills are? she may need help fitting in somewhere. You don't have to let her treat your family like that, but be patient & try to get to the bottom of it. Good luck, (girls are never easy:)

Send her to a church youth group with kids that don't live on a farm. She might just want to explore the way other kids interact. Send her to a camp. Camp MoVal is a great suggestion. The kids bond in an honest kid way and talk to each other about everything. They can make friends for the rest of their lives. She probably wants a boyfriend and her own identity. It's a horrible age, but she'll make it through it!(and so will you) I'm not a super religious person, but I have 4 teens and being put in that situation let's them figure it out a little easier! The camp they usually resist at first, but by the end of the week they're all crying and hugging each other goodbye. Give it a try!
P.

I struggled tremendously at that age. I was angry, moody, sad, happy, confused, etc, etc. It is a very, very tough age and being in middle school is not fun. Kids at that age are all going through the same thing and because they are miserable they make everyone else miserable too. As an adult I dont think if I were to go back to middle school today that I would survive. Kids are so mean.

You must take hormones into consideration. I would cry and blow up at my parents at nothing at all. One day (instead of yelling back at me or getting mad at me for being so out of control) my mom asked me, "what is wrong, why are you so angry?" She tells me that I told her that I didnt know. And it was an "I didnt know" meaning that I knew I was out of control and I didnt know why or how to stop it. It wasnt an attitude thing by saying I didnt know. I was lost and couldnt control myself or my anger.

I would have her talk to a therapist. She probably wont want to but it really helps to talk about problems, especially with someone who isnt involved and is nonjudgmental. I strongly suggest this. It shouldnt be as a punishment because she will just resist and it will make it harder for the therapist to help her make any progress if your daughter thinks she has to go because she's in trouble. If this is something you decide to do I would talk to her and say that you think it might help to have her talk to an adult who is "outside the box," knows how to deal with anger and emotions shes having that she may not know what to do with. Dont ask her if she wants to go, dont give her a choice. Tell her shes going for a while just to try it out. Make her go consistently for one month. Dont tell her how long the trial period is because she will probably resist until that time is up and say that it isnt helping because she doesnt want to go. Once a month for one week will be 4 times and your daughter should be more open to talking to a therapist after she has seen them several times. Keep in mind that it can take 3 months or a bit longer to see any results and to see results you have to be consistent with appointments as well as doing what the therapist suggests while youre at home.

So many parents think that if they send their kid to therapy that the therapist will "fix" their kid. The therapist is just a nonjudgmental coach who offers suggestions, insight, and ideas for the family. The real progress comes from what happens in the home. Consistency is key.

I hope this helps!!! Good luck and keep in mind that she doesnt know why she feels this way and why she is so angry and emotional. 11 is a very tough age, especially in today's world!

I believe that she needs to find roots and friends. She is like a flower in a pot that can be moved from one garden to the next without anyone minding at all.

She needs to feel firmly planted in your family. Tell her that you love her and always want her to stay with you.

Try to encourage her to invite a friend to come over for the weekend. Maybe you could even have some girl time and do something with just her. Create some happy moments.

Least of all, ask her why she is angry. She just may tell you IF you are willing to listen and not judge.

Good luck.

I do agree with needing to get counseling. The room can be a good thing, you just need to put boundaries on it. I'd make sure the wasn't anything in there but her bed and dresser. If she gets sent to her room, I'd make her leave the door open so you can check on her and the biggest thing, I wouldn't allow her to sleep (during punishment haha). I remember at that age (heck, even today!) that sleep was the most glorious thing to me! Lol. I do agree that she needs to be away from everyone else with this bad attitude, because it's infectious. Having her do some kind of volunteer work would be a great way for her to see what all she has. Sorry I'm not adding more advice, you've just got what I'd already suggest!

I don't have any good suggestions either. My 13 yr old daughter has been moody since she was 9 and gets grounded from any contact from her friends a lot which does help sometimes as she tends to pick up whatever attitudes she is around so when we ground her the number one thing is no phones, internet, can't have friends over or go to friends houses. then if that doesn't work then ground her from TV and radio until eventually all she has left to do is read books or hang out with the family for her spare time. Sometimes I thinks she really wants a break from her friends and will get grounded on purpose to have her own space but seems to help anyway as in a week or two she is ready to have her social life back.
the boys hardly ever get in trouble and aim to please. If we tell them to do their chores, they stop what they are doing and get them done with no procrastinating. They know if they get their homework and chores done they will have the rest of the evening to do things they like to do.

the kids all make good grades in school, are very involved in church activities and also play a sport or 2 a year if they feel they can fit it into their schedule.

I think girls tend to be moody and see how far they can go with their attitudes. I know I am guilty of giving up after struggling too long and she has definately figured that out but I do stick with her punishments and don't bend once they are set but sometimes with her long procrastination on chores, I will just give up--ground her and do them myself because it takes less time than me arguing with her or reminding her for hours but if they aren't done by the time hubby gets home from work at midnight then he gets angry for the house being a mess so I do them to keep the peace and not have to listen to a grumpy husband but she does lose some privilege for me having to do it.

Most of the time if I do have a list set up when they get home from school and they know their expectations for the day they seem to get everything done without any arguments so that has worked well especially if Dad has written them out because even though they only see him on Saturday mornings during the school year because of his work schedule they still respect him more than me.

Look at the attitudes of her friends and see if that may be the main reason. My daughter tends to pick up the attitude she is around most and when she acts like they do she gets in trouble and doesn't get to spend as much time with them so in a way her friends are also getting grounded because she is well liked among her peers and they get upset when they can't call here or have her over to their house.

Love and Logic works wonders for any age and it is easy to do!!!!