Difficult Neighbor - Saint Louis,MO

Has anyone asked them why? I mean, while I've never gone off on my neighbors for asking a simple question, we are considered the "oddballs" in our neighborhood. Why? Because the mom next door used to leave her 9 year old in charge of her other 4 little kids while she went to work for 40 hours a week, and we called the cops & DFS finally after they came over to borrow a can opener to cook a can of corn on the stove because there wasn't any other food for them to eat. We also asked her to bring her 6 week old puppy inside on New Year's one night b/c it was so loud and it was so cold, but I got cussed out at her door and then cussed out on the phone b/c it was her property and not my business. Then we called on the across the street neighbors b/c she whipped her two year old with a belt and made him pick up his poop with his hands and throw it away after he pooped in his underpants (on the front lawn, while many people were outside). If I'm out gardening at the community garden that I manage and another child--unsupervised at three-- throws dirt at someone, I make him leave (and with up to 13 unsupervised kids under the age of 8 flocking out whenever I garden with my son, I have to be the neighborhood sitter while gardening, too!). We ask the neighborhood porch drunks to keep the loud music down after ten on weeknights. We get cussed out, so we change tactics and call the cops. Otherwise we don't sleep until one or two in the morning on a Wednesday! What do we get? A reputation for being nosy, judgmental, and unfair. They like my son, although they don't usually allow their kids to play with him that much (and we'd never let him go in some of these houses), but they avoid us. Does that sound familiar? Maybe you should ask them why they are distrustful of their neighbors. Ask them if there's anything you can do to make them more comfortable in the neighborhood. It sounds like a more friendly, child-oriented neighborhood than mine, to be sure, but you might be surprised at what they've had to deal with, either there or in another neighborhood where something happened to make them that way.

2 moms found this helpful

Dont worry about them at all. They are obviously people you will never get along with. And unfortunately their kids are probably going to turn out as weird as they are. You just have to cut people like that out of your life. They dont even sound stable and I wouldnt want my kids over there anyway! I know its hard living close to them but if you ignore them hopefully that will just become routine and THEY will keep their mouths shut! Good Luck. Sorry about your weird neighbors!

1 mom found this helpful

well I would just ignore them and ask your kids to play with others and make friends with others unsure how old your kids are but maybe a simple expalnation will do for now.they don't need to know all the details because they are to young to understand.Don't even try to make conversaton with them

1 mom found this helpful

Good Morning J., WOW what a delima. Ok their are some weird, strange, standoffish, rumormongers out there.
Nothing you can really do about that.
So how about a block party (before it gets cold). Invite all the people on the block, tell them to bring one of their favorite dishes to share, like a Salad or dessert party.
If your cranky nieghbors come good, if not, nothing lost.
If they don't show, they can sit and watch from the window see how all the Other neighbors get on so well.

Our neighborhood has two culd a sac's so it's pretty easy to do here. It's a get to know your neighbors.

If you don't want to try that, then next best thing is to become "Good Morning", "Waving" neighbors and let it go at that. Ignore the rest of it.
They are probably miserable unhappy people and it's a shame for the children, to grow up like that.
Most of the neighbors know how they are so the ugliness and rumors can be completely ignored. Don't talk about it to others either, if you hear a rumor. It becomes gossip.

I wish you the best. A Good God Bless you always gets to a grumpys head.
K. Nana of 5

1 mom found this helpful

Hi J.,

I would say that it deppends on how much you care or are worried about the issue. If you 'd like to be friends with them or let yur kids be friends with them, I would probably invite the mom over for a cup of tea or coffee with some home made scones or something good and just talk with her and let her know that you would like to get to know her and her family better and that your kids lieke her kids very much. I think that it would be OK to let her know that you notice many diferences in things that both families do but that you could be friends anyway. You can also ask her if you can support her in amy way or if there is anything that bothers them that you can help with. If she reacts bad to somkething like this, then forget about them! You don't even want people like that to be close. But if she reacts nicely, may be you get to know them better and find out why they seem so strange or weird.
See, I understand a little better because I was born in Argentina from an Italian family and came to the US over 10 years ago, I have been the weird person everywhere I went and was very difficult to make friends. People used to look at me and be very nice (I have red hair and hazel eyes so I look like an American/European) but as soon as they heard an accent, they wouldn't be that frindly anymore and kept their distance. Yes, it wasn't nice for a long time. Luckily, after the years, many people got to know me and now I have many friends that even look for advice from me, I am very sincere and trustful and they know that. And when I have a friend I do anything for them, and one thing that I don't care is if they are different as long as they are good people and are willing to be good friends. Everything is more difficult when you are a little "odd" but that doesn't mean we are bad or weird. Now I help in both my daughters schools and they call me all the time for everything because they trust me, but that trust was very hard to earn.
I would have been very grateful if someone in my first years of being here would have talk to me and befriended me. There are still some moms that don't care about getting to know me at all just because of my accent. But I have heard that they think I am younger than what I really am and they don't like that. I am not younger, I just look younger. But they don't know because they don't share time with me...they just wave if they have no other choice. Those are the ones that for me are not worth it:)
My frinds are beautiful inside and out, so may be you need to find out how this people really are. It won't be easy though.
Best of luck and hope you can figure them out soon!
M.

1 mom found this helpful

i agree with the posters that said you should let their kids come over but keep your kids away from their house. not only is it unfair to your kids to completely remove their friends, but you never know, you may become a good example to your neighbors' kids. i would not put out any more effort trying to be nice to the grownups, however. they are adults and responsible for how they treat people. if they choose to treat people badly then they can deal with no one wanting to have anything to do with them. good luck!

Pray for them, that's all you can effectively do.

I think you have two options. 1) Totally ignore this family and don't have contact (including your/their kids at each others homes), and/or 2) have a neighborhood intervention. As a group, you should confront these people for their behavior. I agree to that you should document when/what happens should you need to actually have a face-to-face meeting. Good luck!

I have found that it is easiest if you have someone whose family life you don't feel comfortable with to have those kids over to your house and not let your kids go to their house.
I find that if you get to know these kids, even if they don't act right other places they will respect you if you've taken time for them. I am always involved with things my kids do, I try to get to know their friends and let their friends know what I expect. My sons friends know that he was not allowed to just run the streets without his parents knowing where he was. Now that he's driving he has to text us when he's in the car (not while he's driving) letting us know where his next stop will be, this has benefited him even if he doesn't realize it. He's only had his license since Aug and because of our rules his girlfriends parents have loosened their rules about her not going anywhere with him until she turns 16 in Dec.
My kids have had several friends through the years that have acted up at school and other places, yet they respect our house and rules. I feel that because we've accepted them it has also kept them from becoming as lost and wild as they may have become if they didn't have our influence in their lives.
There have been few kids that we've had to ban from our lives, they usually regret their behavior later, but you do have to look out for your own kids first.
The parent reminds me of a couple of parents I've met through the years. One went to several houses to berate the parents because her child wasn't invited to go to a concert with the rest of the kids (during school, mine wasn't allowed to go, she lived). The other was what I considered a friend and told that it was rumored that her teen daughter was bulimic, she got so mad and wanted to know who I heard this from, I was expecting some concern about her daughter, but the concern seemed to be more about who would say that about her daughter (even though she confirmed the rumor later). What I learned from these experiences is that you won't be friends with everyone and that's OK, you stay friendly with everyone and trust that people will see you as you are I'm not sure how old you are, but people are in and out of your life so much these days so the only ones of big concern to you is your family. The ones of like minds with you will stay with you and not believe what they are told, I know it's hard but see the humor in it, these people are so insecure that they have to spread rumors about others that are not true. Hope this helps ease your mind.

Is there a social worker at the school? The neighbors are probably not their only "victims" of their bizarre behavior. I would inform the social worker of your concerns for their children. I wish you well.

J.,
I think standing back and taking a look at the situation from a new perspective may be needed. Your first statement calls this family a little odd. From what standards do we judge odd from normal? I am well respected with in our community, I work with people of all stations in life, and my husband has a good job. We live what we consider a normal life style, with three kids in a neighbor that is considered to be middle class. Ask our neighbors about us. They will tell you that we are a little odd, and because they do not understand us and why we do the things we do, they criticized and treated us differently than the other neighbors on the block.

What makes us so odd. We do not celebrate Christmas, so our house is the only one not decorated on the block. We go to church on Saturday while they all go on Sunday. We home schooled all of our kids. We got upset if a child visiting us began cussing and we sent them home. We did not celebrate halloween with our kids and we did not give out candy. Those are the things that we did not do, the things that made us odd in the eyes of our neighbors. For those reasons everything we did was scrutinized.

What we did was love our kids as much as anyone loved theirs. We set strict rules in our house in order to raise kids who could think for themselves. We raised three leaders, not followers. We insited that school and college become a part of their lives. We focused our family time on trips all over the coutry and out of the country. We gave ourselves to anyone in need, all they had to do was ask.

What our neighbors never knew about us. We raised our kids with an open door policey. Our home was safe haven for many people at times when they needed it. To this day it still is. Anyone with a recommendation from a family member or friend, can spend a few days with us. We open our hearts to anyone who needs help, and hope that they find their way in this life.

To the person on the outside, we look odd because of the things that we dont do. They miss the things that we do.

I can not comment on your neighbors, other than to say, something started it. If you care about your nieghborhood and your neighbors. Invite the mom to your house for a cup of coffee, get to know her on a personal level. Maybe what happened will come out in the open. Until then, I am not sure it is up to us to decide who is odd and who is normal.

See if Neiborhood Mediation is available, that way you have someone that can be made aware of the situation and can monitor it. Your local police Department would have the number and good luck, this sound like a bad situation that will only get worse. You might also speak with someone at the school that the children attend and a social worker in the school system can also assist.

A also agree with not letting your kids play over there but having their kids to your house. My son had a friend whose mom made hurtful, untrue comments about me to him while he was playing at their house. My son told me and we talked about it. He was old enough to know the comments were false. I didn't forbid him from going to their house anymore and the friendship was short-lived. I think my son realized they were not the kind of people he wanted to be around.

J., sounds like the Smiths that live next door to me too!!! I have had trouble for years, and unfortunately, you just have to turn your back on them. I know a lot of people will think I am horrible for saying that, but when you have been through the ringer with them, you just have to tell yourself that there are people in this world that you do not need to be friends with or even associate with. I have done that with my neighbors, I have just had it and nothing I said or done would help, so I stopped talking to them or even looking in their direction and won't let my kids play with their kids anymore. My neighbor used to swerve her car at my kids and call them losers and video tape them, call the police on them, go to the principal at school about them, go door to door and tell lies about them, etc. Everyone knew she was lying, and told me so. Even the school principal thought so too. The police found out too. I just told her I was done and to stay away. It has been much better in my life although it is awkward when everyone is outside but I just stick my ground because my kids and family are most important and I would say don't let your neighbor ruin your
life. Its too much negative thinking and worrying that is hard on you. Just pray for strength and stick to your ground about not letting your kids play with them either because when your kids go over there and play, guess who is in charge of your kids - your neighbor! You don't want that!! As far as her kids go, I would just pray for them too. You can't do much other than that. Good luck to you.

My advice would be to tread very carefully. We have one neighbor like this on our block. At first, people got along with them, then they started being mean to others. First, it was just yelling at people, sounding paranoid and such. It escalated into many calls to the police about many neighbors from these folks. And then lawsuits. And then more police complaints, and more lawsuits. Even with people who were once their friends. Honestly, it's really ugly now. It involves regular police visits to the neighborhood, restraining orders (though no one will move away), lawyers, surveillance cameras... we've even heard a gunshot or two. Not trying to scare you, but just saying, be careful. I don't have any actual answers for you though. Sorry.

It sounds to me like you and your other neighbors are already doing everything right. Everyone is showing kindness, and being good neighbors to her. It seems like she wants to pick a fight whenever she can, so your best defense is to always take the high road and keep being nice. If you have the guts to confront her, ask her what you have done to offend her. She probably can't answer that. But have another neighbor with you as a witness. Sorry I don't have anything better. Except maybe have all the good neighbors show up on her doorstep one night carrying torches! (Just kidding!!!)

we had a neighbor like that growing up, would cut our flowers if they started growing too close to their yard, call the local police department (we lived in a small town and they police department was across the street) if our car was parked too close to their driveway, call if our clothes were out on the clothesline "too long", etc. the only thing we could do was ignore them. It's a sucky situation, but short of moving it sounds like there's not much you can do. Good luck!

I dont know how old your children are...but if I were you I would institute a new rule...the children of this neighbor can come to YOUR house...but your children CANNOT go to their house. I would be hesitant to allow my children to be in a home where such really hostile behavior seems to be the norm. As for the parents...I would keep conversation and interaction to a minimum, since it is pretty obvious that they take even the most innocent comment and twist it. From the way they are reacting to everyone I would say that they just simply want to isolate themselves and be left alone. I would honor that!!! I do find myself concerned for the children...that is why I suggested that you keep some line of communication open with them by allowing them to come to play at your house.

Maybe? one or both parents has a mental issue, who knows. However, if you are truly concerned about their children then call the DFS hotline.

My advice--stay away. No one says you have to be friends with all of your neighbors. You have obviously made an effort and it has backfired on you. These people have proven that they will probably cross the line and you don't want to end up being accused of something that could get you in trouble. They sound like they thrive on conflict and if you try and confront them, it will only fuel thier fire even more. Good luck.

gosh, that doesnt sound like any fun, Personally i would just pretend they dont exist. Use your "perifarils" (Spelling sorry) if you can see them either head back inside or dont look over there and just act like no one is there. Sometimes no matter how much you want to be friendly, it just wont work. I had a neighbor that wasnt mean, she was almost obsessed w/ me. she would call me WHILE ringing my doorbell. I basically had to just stop answering my phone /door until she got the hint. I wish i could be more help. Good luck!

Hi J.,
I realize your kids are friends with their kids, but I would not allow them to play with them anymore there OR at your home. If they are that irrational to a class party comment who knows what they would say if one of their kids got injured at your home. I would strongly advise you to just wave, smile, but do not get involved with them. Also, very important for you and your other neighbors: DOCUMENT all offensive behaviors and remarks, date them as well. That way if they should ever accuse any of you of any wrongdoing you have a paper trail. Believe me, I currently deal with horrible neighbors and our documentation has saved us. Good luck. M.

I somewhat agree with the posts about letting the kids come to your home but I would make them play outside where what is happening is in public view. They sound like the kind of people who would maybe accuse you or your family of doing things inside your home that aren't really occuring. Just food for thought.

Dear J.,

The only thing we can do for others is pray. We cannot change other families. We have the responsibility to keep our children safe and healthy.

It is a shame that these things are occuring the way they are everywhere in the world today. Satan knows his time is limited, and he is hard at work destroying communities and families.

Gather your family together at a certain time every day (like 8 in the evening), get on your knees and pray together. Pray for the family that is having such a difficult time, and for the neighbors around them including your family.

Before everyone leaves the house in the morning, have a prayer together. If daddy leaves too early, then you have a prayer with him, and later have a prayer with the children before they leave for school.

Prayer is a very powerful tool against Satan's work. Be diligent. In time, God will give you the miracle you ask for. Be patient. Be faithful.

As an after thought, have a 'block party' involving several neighbors in getting it set up, and see what happens with the one family...be sure to invite them!

Good luck...