My almost 5 1/2 year old daughter started Kindergarten last week. She's very bright academically (Kindergarten ready as they say), has a bubbly personality, has no social problems that we are aware of, but is having a very difficult time going to Kindergarten every day. She has no problem getting up in the morning and eating a big breakfast, but getting dressed, getting in the car, driving to school, and going into the classroom are all difficult experiences complete with crying and clinging as her teacher pries her off of one of us (my husband or I). Her teacher has said she does fine 60 seconds after we leave and has a good day. We pick her up from school and she is excited, happy, hungry, and talks almost non-stop about school until bedtime. For the past 4 years we had the same care-taker twice weekly for 4 hours each time and she would sometimes cry when I left. She was abandoned at birth and we adopted her from China when she was 9 months old. Is anyone else experiencing these problems with their child who is new to Kindergarten? I am so reluctant to switch her to a part-time K class, she is in a K-1 class and is with the best K teacher in our district. Every day feels like a struggle, I'm unsure if I should stay strong, insist that she go every day and just get used to it, or give in and make the switch to part-time K. Any suggestions?
Thank you all so much for your incredibly helpful words and comments. I appreciate it so much.
Rebekah B. We will give it time for sure, the here and now is the hardest part, feels like such agony watching her go through this. I bought the book, hoping it will be here soon, thank you so much.
Hazel W. Your words are so helpful and kind and I thank you very much. Her joy, exuberance, excitement, and delight after school and all through the evening and until bedtime is consistent. You are right, we really want to stick with the full-time if she can handle it because of the great teacher. Thank you for the reassurances with getting out the door. You can't imagine how helpful it is to hear that. We always lay out the clothes the night before and just tonight she asked to wear them to bed! She took them off, however, before she actually fell asleep and said "this is silly!" We go right to the classroom and hand her off to her teacher, then leave. I will try the cheerful and confident words tomorrow. Her teacher told me again today that she did great 60 seconds after we left and had a great day. I'm trying to be patient, thanks so much your words are such a gift.
Callie M. Yes, her days are going great and it is only the morning getting ready and going into class that are hard. Painfully hard for all of us! Thanks so much for your idea for a special treat, my husband and I picked out some stickers and made silly love notes to put in her lunch box, great idea! Good to hear about your pre-schoolers, I'm sure it won't be long before your almost two-year old will look forward to going into his room with his buddies and toys!
LeeLee S. She was in a home playgroup, more than a pre-school: same 4 kids, same care-taker for the last 4 years, 2 days a week. All 4 kids are going to different schools! Your experience with the teacher prying her off of me happened today and yesterday. ugh, the drama. I feel terrible when I leave there and can't wait to pick her up to see how her day was.
MamaHolly: We take her just inside the door of the class and that's where her teacher meets us and takes her. We don't stay any longer than necessary, we just say goodbye and walk out!
Susan H. Thanks so much for your kind words, they are so helpful and valuable. I've ordered the book and can't wait to read it together.
Sandy L. Yes, other kids are walked to the classroom. There are 29 kids in the class and most of them take the bus, there are a few that have parents who drop them off like us. We bring her to the classroom door, say goodbye then leave right away. With 29 kids in the class I'm not sure how much consoling the teacher can do. thanks so much for your comments.
Give her some time! Have you even had a full week of school?
Try reading the book "the Kissing Hand". My daughter loves it and I think it is very comforting for separation anxiety.
It sounds like your daughter is very ready for the full-day kindergarten life. I say this because of your description of her demeanor after school: happy, vibrant and stimulated. It would be a different thing entirely if you were describing a tired, complaining child, so go ahead and enjoy this new transition. Shortening her day would only be due to your belief that she can't handle it, and this doesn't sound like the case. (Especially if you are describing switching to half-days as "giving in", which indicates to me that you might not want to do this.)
As a person who has nannied for several families during the kindergarten years, I have a few reassurances for you. First, *many* of the families have tough mornings getting out the door, and this has nothing to do with the child's situation at school. It's in a child's nature to want to drag their feet a bit and play at home; during schooltime, the entire morning is a working-through of a series of transitions.
Some suggestions, which I give to my preschool families too:
Lay out clothes the night before. If your child likes, perhaps getting dressed and sleeping in school clothes the night before school is a good option. I know several families for whom this has worked very well, thus avoiding the getting-dressed trouble. (and it's kind of silly, too, and kids often like silly.)
Keep everything in regular places so they're easily found.
Make lunches the night before.
Keep supporting the teacher's efforts to bond with your daughter. One way that might happen is your (or your husbands) actually handing off your daughter to the teacher relatively soon after arriving at school. Respect the teacher's "entering class" routine (I have families make sure their children wash hands and take off shoes; some teachers expect handwashing or hand sanitizer) and then hand off cheerfully and confidently. "Have a great time. I'll be so happy to see you at the end of the day, and you can tell me all about it!" or another similarly positive statement lets her know that YOU feel good about this, and that's actually very reassuring.
The "Kissing Hand" book that Rebekah mentioned is also wonderful, and can be a sweet ritual for so many separations.
Your little girl is doing great, hard work at school, and some kids take a few years to really get the morning transition down pat. Give it time and give her your confidence. So often, I see families worried that their child "can't handle" things because their child is upset. I have one little one who has returned to preschool from summer break and *still* is upset to leave Mommy on arrival. Nonetheless, this child is thriving and happy 99% of the time--just loves Mommy and hates to have her leave. This child is so ready for our program and would be missing so much if they weren't part of our program--and we'd be missing what they brought to our community too. Sounds like you are on the right track--be patient! Good luck!
Why do you take her inside the class? She should be met at the door by the teacher or someone else, and taken to class without seeing you guys again. This would help tons!!!! There is no need for you to be in the classroom to make it worse.
This is NORMAL.
She will be fine.
Per the childrens Counselor at my daughter's school... it can take some kids 1-3 months to get used to Kinder...
My daughter was just like your daughter.
She had about 1-2 months of adjusting to Kinder.
She would also cry sometimes and was clingy.
But she was fine and actually liked Kinder.
It is just the 'emotions' that they are getting used to.
They are so young.... and they are adjusting.
She will be fine.
really.
Keep her in her current class.
Get the book "The Kissing Hand."
all the best,
Susan
YES, thousands(millions) of parents around the country (world)are going through this exact thing now. If she is fine 60 minutes after you leave then everything is fine. Are the other kids being walked to the classroom? Say goodbye to her the same place as the other parents and remember- the faster you leave the faster she'll get over it and start to enjoy her day. Dont worry how long this goes on, dont worry if it starts up again next year for first grade or if you move or if she gets a new sibling. If it only lasts a short time -she's fine. Trust her teacher to console her in whatever way works best.
It is all in the preparation. The night before as an addition to the bedtime routine have her pick out her clothes from the underwear and socks to the sweater she wears. Then it is all chosen and ready for the morning. If you have to help her get dressed during the next couple of weeks do so and cut back once she tells you she can do it herself.
She sounds like an independent child who has some anxiety issues. You can take her to a homeopath who will find a remedy that removes some of her abandonment and perfection issues.
Talk or sing together in the car on the way to school this also helps. I always used car time for listening and exchange time.
It sounds like this is the first time that she has been in a daily school/daycare situation. In other words, she didn't go to preschool? I would say that is the primary difficulty she is experiencing - she's just still getting used to this. It's only been a week or so. Sometimes it takes a month or longer for them to adjust. It's much harder on you than it is on her and if she is fine within a minute after you leave - no reason to doubt the teacher right? - then I wouldn't worry. There are some things you can do. Talk to her at a time when she is feeling very comfortable. Let her know that you trust the school, her teacher, and the other staff to take care of her and that you are in contact with them regularly to make sure she is doing okay. Let her know that you think about her during the day. Use the "kissing hand" - fill one or both of her hands with kisses just before you drop her off or just before you leave and let her know that these are so that she has kisses from you that she can give herself anytime she needs or wants one during the day. Talk to her about establishing a set routine for drop off, work together to develop one, and then stick with it. Remind her of the routine the night before, in the morning when she's getting up, and maybe on the way to school - you have to be careful about over doing it on all of these things because you could end up talking about it so much that it makes her question whether you really mean what you're saying. I suggest having a couple of good talks about it and then just following through on the plan of action in a matter of fact way. She'll feel better and do better if she knows that you are confident both about the school and her teacher and her ability to be strong and independent and also that you are thinking about her during the day. One other thing that could help is to talk about picking her up at the end of the day and what you are going to do together after school. That gives her something to look forward to and again reassures her that she is not being abandoned and she will see you again soon. It might be harder for a kindergartener to adjust because she's had so much longer to get used to being with mom or dad all day and so she has to learn how to accept not having that but it should be easier for her than for a toddler going to preschool to grasp that she is just at school for the day and that she gets to see mommy and daddy again later in the day and spend time with them then.
I know it's hard, but you can do this and so can she! Good luck!
As a past K-1 teacher, I would like you to know this is not unusual. Your daughter does have a perfectly happy day in 60 after you leave. Her clinginess in the morning will pass in a few days. I do not recommend that you change to a part-time K class. She will be under served in that class. Further, she will exhibit the same clinginess, and you will have the same battle over again, but it will last longer.
If the only time she is having trouble is in the morning before school, then she is perfectly normal and doing okay. It sounds like the rest of her day is going wonderful and you are so lucky she has a super teacher. That will really help her with a positive kindergarten experience. In a couple weeks, you might be crying because she will run in the classroom without giving you a second thought :-) Sad for us, but good for them.
Maybe you could stick a special treat in her lunch box that she could look forward to...cookie, note from you, sticker. There are even markers that you can use to write on food...you could write a note on a banana or something. That might give her something to look forward to.
Good luck! I'm teaching at a preschool now so both my kids are there. My almost two year old finally was OK to walk in his room just this week. Not excited yet, but didn't cry so we are almsot there!
Stay stong! Was she enrolled in a preschool program prior to kinder? If not, she's just getting used to school. Our daughter did the same thing when she began preschool. For 3 months! Oh, the crying, the clinging, the not letting go. The teacher would pry her off my husband, he would leave, and she would promptly immerse herself in the activity at hand and her schoolmates. She did absolutely fine. I say keep with it; this is all a new thing!
She has abandonment issues. I have a very good person who deals with problems like this in Portland. If you are interested please e-mail me.
N.
My daughter just started Kinder also. I have been a WAHM since she was two, but as a photographer, have regularly left her with babysitters while I go on shoots, etc. I've also provided daycare for a few kids who started Kinder last year and she has been looking forward to this for a year. She has been going to school and coming home happy, but the other night, I left to go to a short meeting and she broke down in tears and the same when I was going to run to the store for a couple of things. She just wanted to be with me. I think that even though they love Kinder, it is still a huge change for them and exhausting mentally (she slept 14 hours after the first day...lol). If we give them one on one attention and lots of love and support, they will be just fine. As a daycare provider, I've seen many kids cry uncontrollably for mom until the door shuts. The longest anyone cried was about 2 minutes. It's REALLY h*** o* moms, but the kids are just fine. The only thing I tell my parents is to never sneak out on them. Just give them a hug, tell them you'll see them after school, etc., and then leave. It provides the security that you're not going to just disappear and eventually they get used to the new routine. I really believe that in a few weeks she'll be more used to the routine change and will be happy in the morning as well as when she comes home. :-) Hope your mama heart can hang in there. ;-) Looking forward to hearing a good follow up report in the next few weeks!
p.s. Does she know anyone in 1st grade there? Or even another kinder who could walk with you and eventually walk with her to the before school place? (In our school, they kids start out on the playground.) One of my daycare kids is a 1st grader and is playing the "big sister" role. They walk into school together and I think that has helped with the morning transition also. The first couple of days, they held hands...SO cute. :-)
Stick with full time K. She like every person hates change once she gets used to the routine she will be fine. It may take all year. I had drama just like yours all year for Kindergarten & some the beginning of first grade. I knew everything was good at school because I constantly asked & got back positive feedback from my daughter.
