My good friend has a stepdaughter that was supposed to graduate yesterday. She lives with her mom. The party was set for this weekend, my friend and her husband (the girls dad) were going to go in half for expenses and make food. This girl in the past has had disciplinary issues and has fallen behind on school. Although, it did seem this year she was turning her life around. All along the bio mom and stepdaughter kept telling my friends husband she was indeed graduating. However, because he had been lied to in past, he felt the need to check in at the school only to find out yes she was walking, but not getting a diploma. She failed a class mainly because she missed 20 days of class. The principal said she would come in the office saying she was ill during that class but always resume back to other classes after the period was over - feeling better. Numerous letters and phone calls were made but only to bio mom who hid them from the dad.
Say you are the dad would you go along with the grad party?
Ok, so you all basically agreed with what dad has done/did. He said no to the party and in fact called all his and his wives (my friend) family and friends and told them it was cancelled. BUT the bio mom is still having it...the dad has been told some pretty hateful things by bio mom and daughter. They are even attacking my friend (stepmom). It's getting ugly.
-I agreed it should be cancelled, but I am so glad I'm not stuck in the middle of this. This had me thinking what would others do, as to why I asked.
FYI: yes the school has summer school and apparently she plans to go. The dad even stated he would do something small after she finished that but did not feel a big grad party was appropriate. Not sure why he wasn't notified. He was receiving report cards but I guess this happened towards the end of the year.
I just wanted to add I shared the responses from this question with my good friend (the stepmom) and she couldn't believe the support and wanted me to thank you all. She is going to show it to her husband tonight. (I think they both were getting down on themselves from all the negative backlash so this is just what they needed)
No party. She chose to miss those 20 days of class. Now she can live with the consequence of no party and having to make up the class (or the time) and earn the diploma later. It bothers me to no end that they let kids walk without earning the diploma, but that's another rant. I teach high school, and see it happen all the time.
Wow... it's sad that the mom is letting the lying & skipping class slide. Part of the problem, possibly?
Anyway, no, she shouldn't get the party. She deceived the school and her dad, she didn't complete her classes, and didn't technically graduate. Giving her the party is validating the behavior. Sounds like mom is too busy being a friend instead of a parent.
I say no party.
I also think its silly that they let children walk without actually graduating. If they dont earn their diploma then they dont earn to walk with their graduating class. If they need to take more classes then they should be graduating with the next years class...walk and earn diploma with that class.
Also, maybe the Father should be added to the list to receive calls and letters
Again, no party. She didn't earn her diploma so she didn't earn a party
I would not reward a lying truant with a party, no.
*Sigh* No party. What's to celebrate? Summer school?
Um...absolutely not. Why would she get a graduation party if she didn't graduate? No brainer here.
I'm on board with no graduation = no party
She was obviously hiding something along the way. It's time for the student to be responsible. She's not entitled to a party , she didn't fulfill the graduation requirements.
So what are they celebrating? Her failure?
This is a shame.
No, I wouldn't have the party. This isn't like when they are little and everybody gets a trophy. (Which is also controversial.) She has to learn the hard way that if you don't work, you don't get to keep a job. And the way to start learning that is that you don't get a party when you don't graduate.
What is wrong with this mom? Wow!
Btw, does her school offer summer school, and this class during summer school? If so, that's what they should have her do - go to summer school.
Dawn
Ummm...heck no! Kids need to learn consequences. No diploma = no party.
maybe dad should take her out to dinner just the two of them and explain to her what she needs to do to graduate, wether it is callign the school and setting up a met with the principal to find out what classes need to be made up and when, or maybe it means signing up for GED but she needs to look up the number and call etc etc. not saying dad should do it for her but guide her so she can do it herself.
I think he needs to tell her he loves her and that he has confidence that she can do what ever it takes to get her degree and that he will support her if she needs a tutor or what ever.
BUT NO DARN PARTY till she grows up and actually gets her DEGREE!!!
Agree with the others -- she does not deserve the party, and her bio mom is teaching her a horrible lesson: "You get to have fun whether or not you earn it!"
I want to add: You say the girl supposedly is going to go to summer school. Her dad needs now to get tougher, despite being bad-mouthed by the girl and mom. He should go in person to the school and find out first if summer school will be enough for her to graduate (if the girl and mom say so, I would not believe them, based on their past lies and hiding of information). If the girl is going to summer school, he needs to ensure she actually gets there every day, stays there, and does the work. How he does that if she does not live with him, I'm honestly not sure, but if there is some way he can take her there himself each day (hard, with work schedules, but maybe it can be arranged for one summer), or if he can arrange with the school for him to contact teachers daily to ensure she was in class and not cutting -- anything would help. He cannot trust the girl or her mom actually to ensure this girl is in summer school. I can picture her skipping and never actually getting a diploma. This is all a sad statement. Sounds like this girl is spoiled rotten and allowed to get away with a lot and is even rewarded for failure. The dad was right not to participate in any party.
such a shame that the mom is such a terrible example to her daughter. yes, the dad did the right thing. sounds like it's the mom that has caused this little situation...and now she is just perpetuating it....sorry to hear.
I read your title and thought "of course no party if no graduation." But after reading the whole post and the SWH, I'm thinking maybe a party is okay. If it was only one class, and the school is letting her walk in graduation, it seems like they expect her to take summer school and she'll get her diploma.
I don't know. I would probably go forward with the party knowing that she'll have the piece of paper in a couple months. But if she was given gifts of money, I would hold that until the paper appeared and, if it didn't, return the gifts.
Very sad.
I guess no party...and yet...why was dad not on the call/email list?
Pretty common and standard practice around here for divorced parents, they generally stay involved. Sorry it doesn't happen where you live :(
NO party. Nothing to celebrate. So sad.
No diploma...NO PARTY!!! Kudos to dad for not caving in and canceling the party on his end!!!
S.
Going would send the wrong message. Bio mom has allowed bad behavior to be rewarded. If bio mom wants to throw a party, let her. But it would be false pretenses if attendees gave the non-grad graduation cards with $ in it. That's fraud.
When the daughter has fulfilled the requirements to actually graduate, that would be the real celebration. And as the dad, that would be his cue to have that celebratory party. No under false and fraudulent circumstances. Bio mom is sending a wrong message by having it. If she told me the real story while I was there I think I'd be pretty pissed that I was celebrating someone's lie.
I would say no to the party, for now.
When I was in high school..decades ago, so maybe not normal now, if you needed1-2 credits still to graduate (either didn't take enough enough classes for some reason, dropped one along the way and didn't make it up perhaps, or even failed one), you were still allowed to walk and do all the pomp and circumstance. No one got a "real" diploma at the ceremony, but the same fake outer cover for them (this was the same at my college grad in 2010 actually), then the real and fancy one was sent in the mail several week later.
For those who needed the extra credits when I was in high school, they needed to do the summer school to make up whatever the class was. There was always some math, science, social studies/history sort of basic classes that one could use, then a few random electives you just had to suck it up and pick from if that was what your requirement missing was.
Back then summer school was like a month long and over quick. I never had to do it, but know many who did over summers to get back on track BEFORE graduation for these same reasons (failed classes, missed due to illnesses or family emergencies or injuries, or transfers out and no scheduling options to transfer in due to other classes being full, etc...there are reasonable reasons this can happen)
For failure to not show up, I would say NO PARTY until the promise and success of a passing grade in the summer school class ends in a real diploma. Then have a fun later summer excuse for a party!
She gets the party when she graduates. It's not canceled it is post-poned until she gets her diploma. Perfectly reasonable.
Typically a kid not graduating but taking summer school does not "walk". Those kids in special ed that are only getting a "certificate of attendance" or "completed 12-13 years certificate" due to their learning disabilities are the only ones that get to walk without earning a diploma so it seems weird to me already that she was allowed to walk but attending summer school. When she gets the diploma is when I think she should have the party...notices (verbal if necessary) should be given to attendees that the party was postponed until xxx (the weekend after she gets her diploma). No one needs to know (besides the parents) why it is postponed.
No party. Actions have consequences. She chose not to go to class and thus didn't graduate. No graduation, no party.
Now, the bigger problem is that the mom and daughter are being hateful because he found them out and cancelled his part of the party. TOO BAD! This young lady needs to understand that SHE did this NOT her dad.
No party and summer school. If she failed that she would attend the senior year again with a group of non peers and learn from it.
It sounds as if the bio mom has it in for the dad and that is why he was taken out the loop. The child is the one that suffers. She can turn this around by going to school and doing her very best work and passing. It's a lesson in life she is learning the hard way but she is learning it early and can be a productive person in society.
But once again no party.
The other S.
PS My grandson had some issues this freshman year and is attending summer school to make up what he screwed up.
IMO, a graduation party is just that... a GRADUATION party. If the child did NOT graduate, then no party. When she meets the criteria for the diploma, then they can go ahead and have some type of celebration to mark the milestone in her life. (if they so choose) What message will they be sending her if she is to have a big party now? You didn't do all that was required to finish your credits/ classes and get the diploma, and we don't care. We are throwing you a party anyway, just because you walked like all the other students who actually busted their butts to really GET their diplomas. Hmm, nope. Not in my world. I say this is part of what is wrong with youth today. They all want to get rewarded for minimal effort, or for just showing up. Every child gets a trophy for just being on a team, even if they don't TRY to do their best. Every child gets a certificate for or award for something on awards day at the schools , even if they have to make something up, just so they don't feel "left out" when they haven't tried to do their best or accell (sp?) LOL, at something. Nope! I'm NOT talking about elementary school kids either. This has been happening in the junior and high schools near me , not the elementary schools. I am ALL FOR the elem. schools trying to build self esteem and awarding the little ones for things to try to boost their desire to want to do better for themselves, but by the time we get to junior high and high school, these kids should be much more self motivated. I applaud the Dad and step Mom for saying No and would stand by them 100%!! Go Dad!!! Now if and when she does finish and manage to get her diploma, then I do believe that some type of recognition should be warrented at that time. It doesn't need to be a big party, but a nice dinner out or something smaller or more low key would be just fine. Anything to let her know that her Dad and step mom are very proud of her would be great. Some day she will be appreciative of all that her father and Step Mom did for her. (I hope) Honestly, what would she plan to say to all of the party attendees anyway? At both of our older daughters high school graduation parties everyone was asking about their college plans, ending GPA's from high school, etc. What would she say?? It would be a very awkward day for her anyway, don't you think? I can hear it now................ well, I actually didn't really actually get a diploma YET, but I will after I finish my high school classes and credits. Then I am not sure what my plans are. I kind of messed up with classes because I didn't stay in class during the day, and it caused me to not be able to get my diploma, etc, etc, etc. Talk about embarrasing! Her Dad and step Mom just saved her some real embarassing moments if you ask me. Also, as a guest, I would feel a bit put out going to a "graduation" party, and bringing a grad gift for a child who actually didn't put in the work to actually graduate yet. Ok, well, that's just my opinion. :)
You can reward her when she finishes. I teach at a community college, and I'm amazed at how kids coming from high school think they can just miss class after class and still get a good grade. There really does need to be consequences and not having a party is one of them - but certainly not the worst!
Where we live, if a kid doesn't have enough credits to graduate, they don't get to walk with the class for graduation. Period.
My son will be a senior next year. I don't see it happening, BUT, if he were to not graduate, there would be no party, no celebration, no "Yay! Let's celebrate you NOT graduating!"
Even though we are long divorced, my ex husband would be on the same page with me over that one. No way.
What's to celebrate? No diploma?
If they celebrate anything, it should be done after she completes her credits in summer school.
I admittedly am a bit of a strict mother, but I don't agree with a graduation party for someone who isn't graduating. It sets a bad precident. If the girl misses 20 days of work once she gets a job, she can't expect a paycheck.
I'm surprised they are letting her even walk with her class. Like I said, here....that would not even be an option.
Good for the Dad. No diploma...no party. What is the mom thinking. Lets have a party because she failed, thats real smart.
no. Wait until she does graduate. The party is a farce if you go through with it and your stepdaughter needs to face the consequences for her failing the class. Real life consequences for her actions will teach her best.
