21 answers

Did We Handle This Doctor Visit Right or Wrong with Ex Wife?

My husband and his ex wife have 50/50 custody with MW ( dad) and T Th ( mom) and every other weekend. My stepdaughter recently broke her arm while in the care of her mom and mom's boyfriend. Mom scheduled every doctor appointment on Wednesdays for her. The problem is that she has a twin ( the girls are 6 years old and in 1st grade), so whenever she took one girl to the doctor on Wednesday, she would have the other daughter miss school to go with them to the doctor appointment and miss school even though she was not ill or in need of an orthopedist like her sister. My husband was upset because Wednesdays are his custody days but her "drop off at school days". He is a teacher and values education and felt that the appointments should 1. Not be made by her on his days and 2. The one twin who was not ill should have been dropped off at school. Also, since these absences were on his custody days it appeared as if he was the parent not getting them to school. Recently he had enough of this baloney and took the day off work on Wednesday, letting her know he would take the girls to the doctor and school if necessary. Mom made a big fuss in front of the girls on the phone, but did permit him to pick the girls up from her residence. He informed her that there were to be no more doctor appointments scheduled on his days without his express consent. I went with him at his request as a witness and because she is notoroious for making things up. The worst part was when we arrived at the doctor office to remove the cast, she showed up and tried to tell the doctor office that we could not be there! There was an awful scene at the doctor office in front of the girls but it was only mom who made the scene. I stayed a far away as I could from her and dad maintained his composure, she is the one who lost control. But still the girls were very very upset. My one stepdaughter told me she felt like throwing up and asked me why her mom was acting like that. In retropsect, I wondered if he should have just let her take them, or did he do the right thing by taking a stand? To me, the girls should come first, I do not think the way it was handled was best for the girls. Any input on this? Thank you. Ps- Dad wanted to take sister 1 to school first but did not have time to get sister2 to the doctor at that point.

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Not sure how to comment on individual answers so to comment in regard to making appointmens on "his" days, please re-read the text. He was upset because the appointments were made far in advance on his custodial days. These are days he is entittled to legal custody of the girls. His main concern was that his other daughter was not being taken to school on those days. He felt that she should 1. Take the one daughter to school, even though they are twins they have different classrooms and different teachers. 2. She had enough time to schedule these appointments on her custody days so as not to interfere with time that he is legally responsible for. As a mom of a 17 year old son myself I agree that moms should always have a right to be with their sick child. My son's stepmom and I get along great, I make it a point to be kind and civil to her. She spends 50% of her time with him, I would rather him see two women who get along than two women who act like fighting children. My husband and his ex have joint physical and legal custody so there is no primary caregiver, the girls are in our home exaclty the same amount of time they are in their moms home. To address the comments regardind dad getting sister2 to school: mom refused to let him take his daughter to school on Wednsdays. He only found out that this was going on when a teacher addressed their excessive absences during a teacher conference he went to alone, the bio mom did not make it to the conference. As a teacher and father he was concerned that sister2 was missing days when here sister had appointments mom could have and should have scheduled either on her custody days or after school. He would have been more than happy to get either girl to school even though there is a 30 mile drive to do so. All he would have needed was a heads up and some communication from mom. The custody time per the court order begins at 8am which is after school starts but not after school. Thank you for your input!

Featured Answers

Seems to me that this really didn't affect him at all--except for knowing that one daughter was missing school, which, when he tried to juggle it himself--failed as well--as he couldn't get the "well" twin to school either. (Not saying that it was right or wrong but you DO have to take appointments that are available and when you need to make, say, 6 standing weekly appointments, maybe the time slots allowed are NOT all convenient times. ?
If Wed. is "his" day, but mom drops them off at school, then "his" Wed is really after school and evening/night, yes? So how did that affect "his" day in the first place?
And also, I've just gotta say...I don't think any parent or child can agree to be healthy on "someone's" day and isn't the health of the child what's important?
If she needed help getting the "well" one to school on time, why didn't you go do it?

5 moms found this helpful

Dear C.,
I realize you have sufficient responses, however, have all the adults in this situation considered what's best for the twins? Studies show children of divorce do better spending one week at mom's the next at dad's and so on. Going back and forth is troublesome and unstable for children.
Good luck,
Wendy

3 moms found this helpful

More Answers

here is a question, if the other sister going to school was such a huge concern why didnt your husband just pick up the sister take her to school and let the mom handle the doctors appt so both kids were taken care of. Really you cant keep doing this tug of war. This was handled incorrectly on both sides. I understand that there is probably a huge back story that we are not getting but I can tell you that "taking a stand" is not what was done here. "making a scene" that is what was done here the little girl was upset from the moment you pulled into her house and the ending of the scene just added to it. My parents were divorced when I was 6 months old I lived with mom/stepmom dad/stepdad conflict my whole life. here is my advice STOP IT, GROW UP, stop worrying so much about what the mother does as what all of you are doing to the kids. Or soon enough they wont want any of you around

12 moms found this helpful

Wow, what a mess. .I agree only the child that needed to see the doctor should have missed school. ALso if the mom was the one making the appt and taking the child and it was easiest on Wed.. I guess she had the right to do that..

But, I also think if she was mature, she would have tried to first work it out with the childs father and see what could have been worked out between the 2 of them..

I am a child of divorce.. a horrible terrible divorce and there was no way they could ever have had a civil conversation with each other.. They now regret it, but at that time.. this is exactly the type of lack of communication that would occur. It still makes me queasy thinking about it..

I suggest if possible that your husband and his ex, go to some type of mediator and try to figure out a way they can communicate without all of the drama.. They both need to realize it is not about them, it is about the girls. I know you think that your husband has nothing to do with this behavior, but it is the past baggage that still contributes to this.. The ex sounds like a drama queen which does not help..

Please try to understand that I understand where you are coming from.. My step mom always tried to help, but in reality, she also caused stress, because she did not fully understand what had happened in the past with our family, she was only seeing and hearing part of it..

We love our stepmom, but she was in a difficult situation.. I suggest you support your husband, but to stay clear of getting in the middle of the exes.. It will help the girls to feel you are more of a neutral party instead of on "their Dad's side"..

5 moms found this helpful

Seems to me that this really didn't affect him at all--except for knowing that one daughter was missing school, which, when he tried to juggle it himself--failed as well--as he couldn't get the "well" twin to school either. (Not saying that it was right or wrong but you DO have to take appointments that are available and when you need to make, say, 6 standing weekly appointments, maybe the time slots allowed are NOT all convenient times. ?
If Wed. is "his" day, but mom drops them off at school, then "his" Wed is really after school and evening/night, yes? So how did that affect "his" day in the first place?
And also, I've just gotta say...I don't think any parent or child can agree to be healthy on "someone's" day and isn't the health of the child what's important?
If she needed help getting the "well" one to school on time, why didn't you go do it?

5 moms found this helpful

Is it at all possible to amend the court agreement so that the girls aren't going back and forth every day? Say MT drop off at school W, pick up from school W, Th, drop off at school F, then rotate weekends? Or even better, establish one residence! I feel for these little ones, they must be so stressed out with all the shuffling around, this house, that house, how's mom/dad/stepmom gonna act/react. It does sound like you have their best interest at heart and that you are a loving parent. I just think with so much interaction between the three of you, there is bound to be conflict. It would benefit everyone to establish a schedule with less back and forth and more stability.

5 moms found this helpful

From the way it sounds, your husband did the right thing. It was his day to have them, not her's. She sounds like a crazy lady for going in there and throwing a fit like that. Good for your husband for wanting to be there for the girls!

5 moms found this helpful

Honestly I don't see the problem with her scheduling Dr appts on "his" day.... ??? I do agree that the other daugther should have still went to school. But what is the big deal about her having a Dr's appt on your husbands custody day?? If she wasn't allowing the girls to go over Wed after school then I can see the problem. But I really don't get it. If he wanted to take the girl to the Dr then so be it, but I can tell you as a Mother I would have shown up. I would have actually been honest with my ex and said I am going too. Let my ex show up with his new wife to take my daughter to the DR and tell me I can't go. That's not gonna happen.

4 moms found this helpful

I think he handled it fine. It is the mom who was out of line.

3 moms found this helpful

The not sick twin should've been taken to school. Although mom probably scheduled the appt. so that it was easier to take the girls to the appt. first. that's just wrong. I always try to schedule appts, and certainly these could have been, in the afternoon or Saturdays so that my son doesn't miss school. Our school requires a note from a dr. that says 'yes you had an appt. this morning'. The not sick twin might end up having attendance issues for missing school when she wasn't sick/have an appt.

Mom was out of line at the dr. office.

M.

3 moms found this helpful

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