June 20, 2010,
P.C. asks from Bronx, NY on June 20, 2009
Did I Make a Mistake by Staying in My Marriage
I dont want to make this to long. I am so very unhappy in my marriage. It started 5 years ago when aI found out my husband cheated on me, although he constantly denies it. I wen to a lawyer about a divorce. I was so scared because I had a new born. we constantly and i mean constantly argue. The lawyer I hired ended up representing my husband in traffic court. I got rid of him, the lawyer. I am a christian and decided to give my husband another chance. I got pregnant again three years later, i really wnated another child. Things go even worst found out he was still seeing the same person or another. We lost a big junk of our income because he is hard headed and would not listen to me or the person he was contracting from. I guess the person left him cause he could no longer provide her with the lifestyle she wanted. Just to add this when I was 7 months pregnant with my second child, I found out he was talking to a girl on the ph. The man cried because the I told this person I was pregnant. I consulted with another excellent lawyer once again changed my mind because I was scared and my sister who is a SUPER christian keeps telling me god would work it out and I know he will maybe he was telling me to leave. Well to end this I am miserable with this man, I dont love him but I am so scared. His parent never came to visit us when we have the kids every year he wants me to travel south and vistit them. I agree to one week he called me names because I will not go for two weeks. Ladies why am I so weak about leaving. I cant stand this man.
1 mom found this helpful
C.D. answers from New York on June 21, 2009
Sorry I dont know what you are going threw but It is a big step You deserve to be happy its scarry but all new things are, how about just a seperation.Change is difficult. good Luck
S.L. answers from New York on June 22, 2009
I know we all love Mamasource as a way to connect with other mothers and not feel so alone, but the truth is, you should not be listening to any of us on this and we should not be advising you. None of us knows the whole story, including both sides and your family histories that brought you to this point. We cannot possibly know what is best for you based on your brief summary. I think out of all this, the only thing to listen to is the urge for you to get help and don't feel hopeless, helpless or dumb. Find a reliable Christian counselor who can take the time to really understand and provide reliable counsel. I pray the God will richly bless you as you seek His will for your life. He is good and loves you deeply, so he is your best resource for guidance.
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S.D. answers from New York on June 21, 2009
You are not dumb, it is a very hard decision to make and you are very smart to consider all of your options before making a decision.
You received a lot of good advice already. However, I want to add a few things that I have learned from experience. Do not leave the house until you consult with a lawyer. I'm not sure what state you are in, but if they offer an information line such as 211 or 311 call and see if there is a service that offers service on a sliding scale. Also, make copies of every financial document such as taxes, bank statements, your husbands paychecks and or W2 statements etc. and make the copies and put them in a safe place. Maybe a friend can keep them for you. Also, as many others mentioned get some counseling for yourself. There are probably groups of women who are going through a divorce or have finished the process and they can not only provide support, but they can also be a resource for legal and financial programs.
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S.H. answers from Albany on June 21, 2009
I don't have time now to read through all the other responses so I may be repeating a few things. First of all as a Christian I'm sure you know that adultery is the only reason that is given in the Bible as grounds for remarriage. In the eyes of God you are allowed to get divorced and for the sake of your children, who will model your marriage as adults, it's for everyone's good. Your husband has proven himself to be a serial adulterer and doesn't show respect or love for you. You absolutely do not want your children to see this happening.
If you can't do this alone, see a counselor who is neutral. Leave your sister out of it. Sounds like she has a hold on you. Is she older? Maybe she's been bossy or protective over you her whole life? Time to stop that pattern now!
Do all the work involved with leaving. Plan a budget, where you will live, who will watch the children, etc. Going through the steps will make it more real and eventually you will have the power to go. Don't count on your ex for support. If you get it that's great but budget without it.
If his parents can't come for a visit to see their new grandchildren they are very selfish and have raised a carbon copy of themselves (just guessing). I can't imagine traveling with a new baby. That's plain rude. I'm sorry you have invested so much time here but it's time to move on before life completely passes you by.
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M.K. answers from New York on June 20, 2009
You didn't make a mistake,
your making a sacrifice for your children
As for going for the 2 weeks, I hope he is planning to come with you, otherwise, I wouldn't go at all.
Tell him to use the money to bring them here.
When it comes to your marriage, you'll need to work harder at it. No one ever said it would be easy,
Marriage is a job. Just like all the others and you only get out of it what you put into it.
Do you think it would be easier alone? it isn't and it won't be.
You have children by this man, and you decided to marry him, so he couldn't be all that bad.
Now to address his cheating, tell him to stop.
tell him this is unacceptable, and that he isn't just hurting you and him, he is hurting his children.
and then search the web to see if they have a local Sex addicts annoymous group in the area.
This way he can get some free counselling for his addiction.
What to do if he won't go, call some of the members of the church to the house and let them do the counseling.
My point is, this is not something you can fix on your own, you need help.
Your relationship is broken and you need a healer.
Are you embarassed to talk about it.
Well if you leave things alone they'll fester. and become toxic.
So do your family a favor, and make the changes you need to , ask for help from the people who know and care about you.
I am praying for you
Ps I am a Bahai and we have a marital book
If your church won't help then perhaps you can start your own marital workshop using these materials, I am certain the Bahai's in your area would gladly attend.
Or you could even post something on Craigslist.
I want to remind you that when you forgive you let it go.
and put it in gods hands.
you don't bring up the past, you make a firm decision to start fresh, and trust.
Sex Addicts Anonymous - ###-###-#### - 1317 3rd Ave, New York, NY - 7.21mi - map
Sex Addicts Anonymous - ###-###-#### - 545 8th Ave, New York, NY - 9.29mi - map
Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous - ###-###-#### - 545 8th Ave, New York, NY
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J.E. answers from New York on July 15, 2009
40 is the new 20 and if you are miserable GET OUT. This is your life and you have to be happy. Life is too short and too precious to waste so move on and give your kids the best of you!
J.B. answers from Albany on June 21, 2009
What are you afraid of??? Being judged in the eyes of god? Cheating on you and hurting you is not a very christian thing of him to do. You tried forgiving him. I think the 2nd time you caught him was your sign saying that it is ok to leave. March yourself down to social services, file for custody and support, ask them to recommend a good lawyer, take the kids and get out of there. I left my husband when I was pregnant and trust me, although scary to be raising a newborn alone, (I also had 2 other children when I left) you get the strength because you have to. Your a mom. Things will get easier. I am adverse to hand outs but Social services has an abundant amount of resources to be used, from helping find a job, apartment, childcare, even wic. I don't know how far your support system is but if your alone, there is help out there. Put your ducks in row and find your happiness. You only go through this life once and it is too short to feel like how you are feeling right now. You can't just "get over" a betrayal. It chips away at your soul until there is nothing left of you. Another piece of advice is to get yourself a book and start jotting down your interactions with this man, from his name calling, when you caught him talking to this other woman, ecetera. It will come in handy if he tries to get ugly. I didn't think my ex would and I trusted him to be ammicable for the sake of the children and I learned quickly what a monster he could be. Good luck.
K.H. answers from Utica on June 21, 2009
No, you did not make a mistake, but you do need counseling, Christian counseling at best. Talk to your pastor and see what can be worked out.
God always blesses those that are committed to the promises that they make. You are committed, and if He is making you stay committed through your fear so be it. That is not weakness, in fact it may be strength.
Have you ever heard that God's ways are not our ways? Well, they are not, and just when you think that the world is saying leave etc, that is when God is saying stay. Just when the world says yell, God says pray.
The battle is won in the prayer closet, not the battle arena.
Listen to the world and do the opposite, that is what I have found is what the Bible says. This is not our home we are simply passing through.
Did someone tell you marriage would be easy? They were lying, even the best of marriages you must work at.
God bless you with His wisdom and give you His strength to do what He wants you to do, not what I think or what your sister thinks, but listen to the answer from the Lord who loves us and gives us His wisdom.
Write me, I love to talk
K. --- SAHM married 38 years --- adult children --- 37,33, and 19.
J.S. answers from New York on June 23, 2009
The problem right away is STRENGTH! Why are you so hard on yourself you are an individual with gifts I'm sure your husband saw something in you to want to marry you?
If you both cannot seek counselling to sort it out, you will forever be unhappy. No one can fix your problems but you and by the way your husband doesn't seem to have a problem staying in the marriage does he?
God will sort things out...but he made us human to use the wisdom he gave us when we need to. If you have taken on a lawyer, weigh the advice of the lawyer with what YOU really want for yourself, your children and your life.