Dhs Friend Is Not Much of a Friend

Just a big thank you to Julie S.! I am that woman...very introverted and shy, but usually can loosen up with a drink or two. And to feel constantly judged by extroverts for my personality 'defects' gets really old. I know some people view me as aloof, but now I guess I can add 'weird' to the list of obnoxious statements extroverts make about us introverts.

This is a lot of mind space to be dedicating to no real problem at all. You didn't really want to trade, you didn't really want to be friends, you're moving away and will likely have little contact with them.

Why care about any of this?

I suggest you are very much over thinking this. It is what it is. You cannot change what has happened. You have no control over what someone else does. Let go and go to Plan B. Perhaps selling the golf cart here and buying a 4 wheeler there would work much better.

I get that you feel your hubby has been treated wrongly. I stand up for my hubby as well.

However, you said your hubby had regret over the "deal" but now..... there is no "deal" so it sounds like he got what he wanted without breaking his end of the "deal".

You are way too emotionally involved here. DO NOT go off of this guy, especially in public because if you do, YOU will be the one who looks like she is green with envy.

You have to pick your battles and this is not a battle you need to fight. This was your hubby's battle and in the end, hubby got what he wanted.

WHO CARES if they get a pimped out cart? Hubby didn't want the 4 wheeler anyway. How this couple manage their money is not your problem.

Let it go... keep your chin up, be civil (I don't mean be best buddies). Do your best to sit away from them, avoid them but don't let that be obvious. You haven't liked this couple from early on, you are about to move away so keep it classy.

LET IT GO... Keep in mind that if you do not keep your composure and you go off on them, this is how YOU will be perceived to everyone who witnesses your actions.

Take a breath, calm down and keep it classy.

Not your circus not your monkeys. Your hubby is a big boy and he can fight his own battles. The funny part of all this is that the only person upset is you and it really has nothing to do with you. The wife is most likely shy or has social anxiety so she's not standoffish she's just not comfortable around people. Drinking helps relax.

So put on your big girl pants and leave the drama queen ones at home. Go to the soccer games and practices and keep you mouth shut. If you want' then go for a walk around the field or throw on my headset and jam out to some tunes. Don't make a scene because the only one that will look stupid will be you.

I'm reminded of the expression, holding on to anger is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die.
So this guy is a jerk. Sounds like you all are ready to move on. Who really cares how he spends his money or whether or not he's jealous of your husband? That's just so "high school" to me, to even be concerned about this stuff.
Live your life and surround yourself with people you truly enjoy and let the rest go, you'll be so much happier when you do.

Wow!
What exactly is your question?
You lost me at making fun of his wife. You just seem really bitchy now.
To me this is ridiculous. If he went through with the deal and you discovered it really does have a leak, you'd be pissed about that, too.
It's his right to do with his money what he pleases. Go out and buy your own four wheeler and sell the golf cart. Done.

Live up to your character, don't sink to his. I grew up watching my dad through a lot of situations military related. Your husband has done an excellent job and worked hard. The benefits of his character are the recognition and promotion he received. He has worked hard to be where he is. He is working crazy hard through officer school. You have taken the high road so far. You love your husband. When you're tempted to fly off on this couple try to think about your husband. Be the officer's wife. I know it's tough to watch someone you love mistreated. I agree bringing it to your husband's attention once is probably a great idea from the standpoint of it's hard for me to watch you invest so much in this guy when he obviously by his actions doesn't seem to be equally invested. Recognizing he needs to run his own friendships. You can only let him know you can't be around them anymore.

Blessings and I hope you are able to keep composure. Remember he will be seen for who he is.

L.

It sounds like you are getting really annoyed at a bunch of nonsense. You don't like his friend and that's fine. He backed out of the golf cart deal...it sounds like your DH was having second thoughts anyway. So they both got what they wanted.

You can't say anything about how he spends his money. You can disapprove and I can understand why, but again it is really not any of your business.

He would annoy me too. It sounds like you all are moving away anyway, so there is no need to cause a scene. It will just make you look bad. Move away and start limiting contact on forward.

Hey Mama, Life is too short to spend energy on petty stuff. I think you might have some insecurities that are surfacing in all this. You mention status and rank quite a bit in one post. Give yourself permission to feel good about you and your husband's accomplishments and to not give a rat's a$$ about what the Mike's of the world are doing.

I don't understand why you are giving this thought and free rent in your head.

Your husband (thank him for his service and sacrifices) has a "friend". Your husband understands this guy - warts and all - and knows what will or might happen.

Whether or not Mike and his wife went to a funeral of a friend is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS....Unless you were going to pay for their way. His finances? NUNYA....so keep your judgment to yourself. You don't know if they called, sent flowers or did something else in tribute. So keep your judgment to yourself. Did YOU go? If not - why?

Ya knowwwwww.....they could have bought the blinged out golf cart on credit so they could afford it. Did you stop to think about that option? The fact is - you DO NOT KNOW and another fact - it's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS....I could be a MILLION DOLLARS in debt and that would be your business how???

You don't have to be this guys friend. You just need to support your husband in it. Don't say anything bad about him. You're moving, being re-stationed - so stop getting annoyed at something and someone you have no control over...breathe...

Let this go! Honestly, this would not be on my radar.

My cousin's cousin died this morning of colon cancer. She was 29 yo.
My brother's friend was diagnosed with terminal cancer this week.
My friend's daughter had 2 emergency brain surgeries in the last 2 days.
I am learning how to walk normally after leg surgery I had the first week of January and I still need to have surgery on my other leg.

This really is between your husband and Mike. DH gets to decide if Mike's good qualities outweigh the bad (and we ALL have some bad qualities). Maybe Mike isn't the best guy ever, but how he spends his money -- funeral or golf cart -- really isn't any of your concern. Maybe it's the first thing he's treated himself with in a long time. Do you give all of your discretionary money to charity, or do you selfishly buy things for yourself occasionally?

Always try to walk a mile in someone else's shoes before you judge. Even then, try not to judge. It's ugly.

As far as the wife goes, usually "introverted and standoffish until she had some beer in her" = Shy. You don't have to be her best friend either, if you don't particularly bond with shy personality types. Reread Julie S.'s part about the wife.

You need to bring out your mature self, and not "go off" on Mike. Deciding not to trade golf carts, or whatever it was, isn't the worst thing in the world.

You are allowed to not be in love with Mike and his wife, but you are not allowed to go off on them for their flaws. Now go find some friends you really like.

And I agree with Mel -- this is taking up way too much space in your mental real estate. I read recently that the main ingredient of happiness is how we choose to perceive situations. Rent out that real estate to something positive.

You wrote this long rant because someone backed out of a deal that was made while having drinks at a party when you also thought the deal was a bad idea from the start?

i suggest you are stressed about your upcoming move, and you have let this stress spill over. Because this is not that big of a deal.

And the other bit about the funeral for the other person is none of your business.

For your own sanity, please let this go.

ETS:Oh, and shame on ypu for making fun of the shy wife. I would think that having a military life would be very hard and lonely for a shy spouse.

We all have what I call "mental real estate." It's space in your mind that you can fill up with whatever you choose.

In this case, Mike (and his wife, and his 4-wheeler and a lot of other Mike baggage) all take up WAY too much of your mental real estate. And it sounds like he's been camped out there for a very long time.

You are making a choice to let Mike and his wife and his life and his being jealous of your husband and your husband's being the better guy all sit and stew in your mind. It is way past time to evict all this from your mental real estate. You could be expending this energy on researching the new area where you'll live, researching all the great things your kid(s) can do there and the places you can find new adult friends, etc. But this golf cart stuff is looming very large, larger than it or Mike deserves. I would guess it's just the final straw in years of not liking Mike (and I agree, he sounds like a general jerk).

Do you want your mental energy taken up with someone whom you have known for years is not really worth it? Unless he has been in your husband's life in a very real and big way -- unless Mike is seen by your husband as a real and true friend, regardless of your opinion of Mike -- then start thinking about something else. Sure you're angry, but the anger seems out of proportion to Mike's very boring, mundane jerkishness over the trade that didn't happen. It's not like your husband's stewing over this.

You have an absolutely perfect "out"--you are moving away. Before you do, move Mike out of your head. If you cannot, I'd think about whether you often cling to anger this intense over things that, while truly annoying, are not worth being eaten up over.

And if you go off on Mike in one last face-to-face vent before you move? Every military family you both know is going to hear about it, from Mike's and his wife's side only, and your husband's co-workers will hear about it before you even get to your new posting. Not worth it. Start with a clean slate at the new location and don't sully it beforehand by going off on anyone. Word would travel.

I don't understand all the drama you're allowing this situation to cause. You said yourself that you weren't wild about taking on a 4-wheeler and that you guys wanted to back out of the deal. When Mike backed out of the deal, you should have been thrilled. Why are you so upset about this? It makes no sense.

Further, why do you care how Mike reacts to his friend's death? People do not have to attend the funeral in order to feel grief. It's not your place to judge.

If I were you, I would just get over all of this. (Not that there's a whole lot to get over, from what you've presented here?) If you don't particularly like these people, then don't hang out with them. It's that simple.

I agree with the moms below.

This is your husband's friend so he has to deal with it. Let him deal with it as he sees fit.

The thing is, if it's bothering you this much, then you should tell your husband how it makes you feel (it's stressing you out). He should be aware, then decide if this is worth it to continue having them in your lives.

You don't have to be super involved. My husband has friends who I don't hang out with (just the guys). I get you are in activities with them, but that will end soon.

What the guy does and wife's personality ... irrelevant to you guys. None of your business really. I know ... when someone is bothering you, it builds and then you find fault in everything ... I get it. The key is, distance - and as the other moms have said, move on. Don't have a big dramatic ending - just space. Sounds like it is coming anyways.

Good luck :)

Stay out of it! 100%.
Greet them. Be polite and forget it.
Your husbands friend. His issue.
Hold your tongue.
You can't control what anyone else does or says--only your own actions and words.

mike is a jerk, and a dishonest one at that. your spidey sense was certainly right all along.
isn't it great that you're moving away from them? no more issues.
i too would be frosted, and i too would be uber-tempted to let 'em have it. that's a lot of seething to be vented, and oh how good it would feel.
for about an hour.
but for serious and true, in the long run it would be a bad thing. you'd leave the men, jerk though mike is, and the wife and kids, even though you didn't like 'em much, with a thoroughly tainted and toxic memory of all those years. the last rage-off would wipe out whatever good times there were.
you've stuck to the high road all this time. it's awesome that your dh's work peers recognize him for the stand-up guy he is. the golf cart vs the 4-wheeler is, in the grand scheme of things, a small matter.
go punch a pillow, throw darts at his picture, write an uncensored blistering expose of all his nasty stupidity and then burn it, and let it go. the promotion and funeral issues are just fall-out from years of understandable exasperation. in a year or less you're going to be SO over them, and barely raise an amused eyebrow if their names come up.
don't let them drag you down, hon. you've got it all over them.
khairete
S.

How does your husband feel about all this?
Honestly, guys feel differently about this sort of stuff than women do.
If it doesn't bother your husband then let it go.
You're moving soon so you should have some space and distance and you won't have to see these people again.
When you're in your new location make some new friends and don't have time for these old friends.
Everyone has a purpose - sometimes the purpose is to be an example of how not to be.
They'll make you REALLY HAPPY when you say your last goodbye to them!

The golf cart/4 wheeler deal got called off, which is what you and your husband wanted anyway, so let it go.

The soccer is almost over, and if the wife is all introverted unless she's drinking, she won't have anything to say. So you just have to ignore Mike. You're moving, your time together is almost over, right? Be the classy one. People in the military learn to play their roles and do their jobs, and so do people in civilian jobs. You can play the role of honorable and classy person without fantasizing that you can change someone who you feel is shallow and two-faced. If this has been going on for nine years, what makes you think that something you say will benefit the situation at all?

Your husband continues to do well and get promoted. Mike's jealous, so he goes for the trappings of success like a fancy golf cart and help with reassignments. Just smile and trust that other people see through him and his shallowness. You don't get to decide how he spends his money, as was said below. You know you can't trust him to be a real friend (reneges on a deal, doesn't go to his "best friend's" funeral, can't make it professionally without your husband recommending him, etc.). So he's not ever going to be there for you and your husband.

What's happening here is that your anger is running your life. The only person who's really miserable here is you. There's an expression about forgiveness, saying that it's something you do for YOU.

Re Mike: tell your husband that, "When people show you who they are, believe them." Mike's shown his true self over and over. It's time to believe him. And also that "No one can take advantage of you without your permission." So if your husband is letting Mike walk on him, it's not Mike's fault.

There is a loyalty in the military because people have to work with the ones they're assigned with. They can't just up and quit a job, which is hard enough for civilians. They have to learn to work together and work out differences. Sounds like your husband can do this with Mike.

So all you can do is say that you're done socializing with them - the move should help this immensely. If your husband wants to continue to socialize with Mike, they can do it on guys' weekends or fishing trips, but you aren't doing anything with him. You don't like him, you don't trust him. All you can control is yourself. You can put your foot down about your husband doing any financial deals with Mike (vehicle trades, etc.) because that affects you. Had he sold the golf cart, that could have gone into your daughter's orthodontia or college fund. So going forward, I think you have a say about disposition of your mutual assets. But not because of Mike's user personality, just the economics of it.

You're almost done with Mike. Two more games, two more practices. Put a smile on your face, take the high road, be the classy person you wish he was. Don't lower yourself to his level and engage in a public rant that will damage your reputation forever. You won't win. Stop investing so much energy in fixing what can't be fixed. Meanwhile, your daughter is watching your mounting tension, and it's not teaching her how to deal with frustrating people. You all have to learn to make good choices, and how to handle difficult people without getting ulcers.

So...., is it the golf cart thing that's the problem? Maybe he was being a good guy and his 4 wheel thing was actually leaking oil.
Also, it's his life. He gets to decide whose funeral he goes to and how he spends the money he earns. Good thing you're moving so you won't have to worry about what he's up to.
Take a deep breath, and turn your attention to something else that won't raise your ire.

I think this is one of those deals where it's his friend and they can pal around but ask DH to not obligate the rest of the family or make deals with Mike that would impact anyone else. I hope that your DH sees now that Mike isn't someone to make promises with.

As far as Mike on the soccer field, ignore him. Be civil for the team's sake (the kids have nothing to do with anything) and just don't engage Mike or his family. One thing I've learned after many years as a stepparent is sometimes there's just no point in making a point because they won't change anyway. Do not stoop to Mike's level. Your husband stuck to a job and is being rewarded for it. You stick to your family and take the high road.

I agree that if you fixate on the stupid things Mike does, then you're letting anger rule your emotions and then he "wins". Work on indifference. Mike isn't going to take food from your table, clothes from your kids, or the roof over your head. He's a mosquito. I agree with Diane. Sometimes the best "revenge" is living well.

I can see why your annoyed but really??? What middle/high school are they attending anyway? Again, I do see why you are annoyed but I would be more annoyed at how juvenile this whole thing is.

I think you're ruminating FAR too much about all the many reasons why and how much you don't like this guy. You don't have to make a case. It's really OK not to like him. Just avoid him and be cordial if you happen to meet up in public. Hopefully you got a good vent off your chest and can relax now.

Unless you usually solve things like that (totally going off on someone) I'd zip it and don't answer anymore calls, don't look at Caller Id and tell DH who is on the phone and don't bother even trying to talk to anyone at a soccer game. You are done,finito anyway with these people soon and unfortunately I have the hunch (like me) that if it isn't your style you are not going to feel too good later. I try to once in awhile and feel miserable. So, for your own health, peace, etc. just back away gentle like. You can also only field so many calls, your husband is the one who will have to learn the hard way. Mike is clearly what we used to call a 'fair weather friend', a basic user loser.Be happy you know that so and move on to other people. There are wonderful people on earth, but sadly dotted with a few bad ones here and there to mess up good lives.

I would imagine, as a previous NCO and now-Warrant with 5 years in service, that your husband can manage his own friendships.

As a NCO myself, with 13 years in service, I can say from experience that spouses need to watch their lane. I can't help but wryly chuckle at your judgement of another military spouse. Shame on you.

Wow a little too much military life. Your husband has a friend that you do not care for and how he treats your husband. Hubby got an assignment or two that "Mike" wanted but didn't get. Mike now keeps hanging on to hubby so that he can be popular with the crowd. So high school.

Here's the fact(s). Military life is a different and strange animal. You either can make it or you don't. Stop worrying about what Mike does and keep your hubby's back. Soon hopefully you will move and Mike will not follow on to continue the "drama". Find some new friends and do things with them. Get involved in some activities that you like on the post and move on.

Besides once your hubby gets his rank pinned on, you will have to tow the line as the wife of an officer with all of the things that they do. So you won't have the time to let someone else spend time in your head. You will be at the bottom of the pecking order of wives and work your way up through the ranks and will be busy with lunches and things. So best to get your clothing in order and your kind words of wisdom as well.

Look for the bright and good things and life and stop worrying about things you can't control. Don't sweat the small stuff in life. There is always someone else worse off than you. Walk a few miles in their shoes before you complain about what they do and how they do it. No keeping up with the Joneses.

the other S.
Retired Military Wife

PS Nine years is a long time to have these thoughts brewing in the mind. From Frozen, "Let it Go."