Desperately Seeking Advice

K.,

My heart is broken just hearing about your situation. My first husband was also an adulterer and the pain was unbearable. Looking at your situation, it seems like maybe it can be salvaged, but it would require A LOT on your end. First, I guess you have to decide --do you want to forgive him? Words, such as his apologies, are hard to believe, because I'm sure as he was cheating he told you he loved you and lied repeatedly about being faithful....so now that you know he was a Liar, how do you believe him now? I finally told my ex-husband that I would not tolerate or be friends with anyone that betrayed me and constantly lied to me, but because he was my husband, I was required not only to forgive, but to live with and sleep with and interract with him? I didn't feel he deserved it. I know it can seem futile, but without some very serious counseling, I don't think you can move past this. Also, as this moves into the Christmas season, you will be reminded of all the painful feelings of last Christmas. You are only human.

One thing though, you stated "My husband acted like a jerk until the baby was born in June." So because of HIS anger and guilt, he was a jerk while you were carrying his child and raising 2 others? K., please consider this, as an outsider can say only, PLEASE try some counseling or at the least get a friend to listen to you and a confidante to confide in. YOU deserve this. This isn't about his guilt or anger over his little affair being over, it's about you and how you can heal. You have a lot of healing to do and all the trust, love, and support you had during your marriage prior to this is gone and has to be re-built..... is he willing to do that no matter how long it takes? OR is it possible, he's a good father that loves his children and now that the child is here he feels guilty over the way he treated you during your pregnancy?

I'm not sure if it's allowed, but I would be happy to be someone you can talk to. I'm sure you can access my email address and I'll be here for you in anyway I can. I live in Springdale Arkansas and am a FT stay at home Mom with a small daycare. So if I can help in anyway.......let me know. I will praying for you.

2 moms found this helpful

If you are wanting to work things out between you two then you need to quit throwing it back into his face everytime you get mad at him. You need to let him know that you are wanting to forgive him, but you just can't get it out of your head. Going to counseling might work for ya'll. But you need to talk to each other and decide what ya'll need to do. If you don't think you can quit thinking about and quit throwing it into his face then I am pretty sure you won't work out. If he feels as bad as he says he does then you need to give him a chance but only if you want to. It is mainly up to you. He did something terrible to you that he should of never done, expecially while you were carrying his child. And then treating you like s**t during your pregnancy. You just need to talk about it with each other and tell him how you feel. Good Luck!!

Please don't be upset but it has to be said. Have you asked yourself why it took a lawyer telling you what he did to make your husband decide he wanted to be married after all? Why would his wife and family and expected baby not be enough? Also, why are you working two full time jobs???????

K.,
I went thru this when I was first married to my husband. But he cheated on me with my sister. You do not forgive someone in your heart immediately. It will take time. You have to really want to forgive him. Throwing what he did back in his face only makes things worse. I also want to know why you are working 2 jobs, full time no less.

Hello K.: I really sorry for what you have been through. my suggestion is to you is to stick with your husband. when you all took your vows on your wedding day you vowed to stay together for better or for worse. Look at the worst that happened in your marriage and then the better. If the better out weights the worst then I would really work repairing my marriage. Because he was the unfaithful one in the marriage I would have him eating out the palm of my hand for a while.

Hey K.!

I wasnt going to respond to this message, until I read some of the comments, mainly Wolfgang's. I didnt want to respond b/c i didnt want it to sound like i am defending the "cheaters". I made the mistake of cheating on my husband after we were married 1 year. We didnt have any children yet, so it makes it a little different situation. But none the less wrong! I accept that. I dont believe that saying "once a cheater always a cheater" I've been married for almost 4 years now and the thought has never crossed my mind again! Yes, some people do change. No one knows your husband better than you do, so if he really sounds sincere in his appoligy, you are going to know it.

My husband came close to leaving me, he still isnt competly over it. He still throws it in my face 2 years later when we end up in an argument. For me it took him almost leaving before i realized what I had to loose. That's what changed my mind. Now we have a 17 month old son, I would not do anything to loose him or my husband again!!

Since you already had 2 children before this, I would think this last child finally made him realize what he had to loose! Dont get me wrong, I am not telling you he's changed his mind for good! I'm just saying it happened to me. Only you know if he really sounds sincere enough that you dont believe he will do it again. You have to make that choice yourself if you want to stay or not. I came close to loosing everything before it hit me, maybe the same thing happend to him. I would definatly make it known to him how bad he hurt you, and seek counsling. Whether you stay or not you need to have someone to talk to about this! Good luck with what ever you decide. I'll keep you in my prayers.

K.,

Good morning! My first question is, do you think counceling would help in this? If not for both of you, then for you alone? It feels good to get it out of your system but we know tha the hubby will only become defensive. I am SO sorry you've had to go through this when a pregnancy should be amazing and fun. I cannot tell you to leave your husband b/c I don't think it's the right thing to do. If he were to continue cheating, that's another situation. But I do think talking to a professional might help. Again, I am truly sorry!

S.

I will not tell you what to do, I will tell you what I did. Our situations are different...
My husband and I got married when I was about 7 months prego. We had dated off and on for 4 years. I never wanted to get married or have children due to my own past. We remained friends during our off times. While I was prego with our son, 6 years ago now, he cheated on me. It was before we were married so the level of committment that you and your husband had at the time was not there, however I had an expectation of exclusiveness. My then boyfriend went to clubs all of the time with his friends, to casinos, whatever that did not involve me ( I went out with my girlfriends too ) I found out about the one time incident 2 days before our first anniversary. I was horribly hurt and had I not had a baby sleeping when I found out, I would have packed and left right then. Fortunately My son was asleep and my husband was working nights (air force). After about 10 hours on the phone with my best friend, I realized that he had changed when the baby got here. It was gradually starting after we got married, more help around the house, nicer in general to me, by the time our son was born, he never went out anymore. I decided to forgive him and 4 years later I am confident that he has never cheated on me. But the thing is, after you forgive, you have to let go. I still remember and to be honest, occasionally I still check up on him, but I do not bring it up to him. Try to have a very long conversation with a friend (sister?) (mmother?) of yours that has known you since before you were married to your husband and kept some touch with you since you have been married and get her opinion.

Lord, I disagree with Wolfgang, (sorry). Sounds like your own situation and how you chose to deal with it. Punishing someone should never be an option. No one is better than the other. (BTW, you're right about the law preventing divorce while pregnant, you can file for legal separation, though).However, being the bigger person I would think would be the best way to handle it. How, I'm not sure, but it probably won't happen in a year's time. It just depends how much you truly love him and if you think you can work it out. If you're not going to a counselor, get to one and fast. You need an objective stance to the situation, one who can hear your side, his side and both. Now, I'm certainly not saying he didn't act like a jerk, he did. What he did is unforgiveable and cruel. But that doesn't mean he's a horrible person. He just messed up. You have a choice in this and I believe either one you will be blessed. Just continue being the wonderful wife and mother you are and if you decide to leave, do so, without letting bitterness eat at you. It's hard to take all this in especially when the wound is still so fresh, but time does heal. Give yourself a break, you're human sweetie. It's natural to lash out at him then feel guilty for doing it. That's being a woman, a nurturer, a caretaker. Just do not let him disrespect you and walk all over you. You'll be fine, sweetie, whatever you decide.

Dear Momma of three, I also know the pain of this same betrayal. I also was pregnant when I found out my husband was cheating on me. You have two choices....Truly forgive him and never bring it up again...Or stop making him pay for his mistake and move on with your three beautiful children. If your children see mom and dad in such bitterness and hostility, they will also handle their problems the same way. I know it is easier said than done, It took me two years to realize I couldn't truly forgive my husband and I left with my three beautiful girls, I feel so much better,and he and I get along so much better. May the Lord Jesus ease your troubled heart and lead you out of this torment, and give you peace. P.S. never bring it up

What bad timing for the two of you. I can't imagine moving on and being able to put this past myself, so I can't tell you to do that. My best friend's husband has cheated on her so many times in their 25 years of marriage, that I look down on her for staying with him. But then again, I look and what I have and feel very blessed. Only you can decide what is best for you and your children. I wish you the best of luck and hope that all works out for the best.

Hi K.,
first of all you need to take a deep breath. What a despicable thing to happen. It goes to prove again we only hurt the ones we love. Hopefully, your confronting him about the affair helped him to realize that he could have lost you and your family. I also don't blame you for "throwing it in his face" but it is counterproductive to working out the relationship if that is truly what you want. This can set you up for problems again because he may begin to think that if you are constantly going to focus on the bad why should he try to make it better. Have you ever cooked something he didn't like or burn dinner really bad? (I know the comparison pales but run with it for a minute). How would you feel if he constantly reminded you of that failure? "Just calling you from work, interrupting my day to remind you not to burn dinner again. Yes, I know it's been a year and you haven't burned anything all year but I figure it's because I call and remind you daily." Wouldn't that drive you nuts? One mistake and he can't get past it. I realize that comparing food to your marriage vows are not on the same level but the outcome would be the same, both of you would be insane, him from calling daily about dinner and you defending yourself daily about your actions. I can't tell you what is right for the total situation but I can tell you how to start fixing yourself.

First thing Monday morning, take your phone and call your church pastor or someone on their staff and get some recommedations for marital counseling. If you do not have a church, get a phone book and pick a church and still call them for the info. There is a significant difference in the type of counseling you will receive from a counselor that has a christian background than one that has a wordly outlook. I find that counselors with a christian background have a stronger tendency to help you rebuild your life, not further tear it down. If you don't feel comfortable enough to enter marital counseling then you need to do some personal counseling. In fact, it might be helpful for you to do some for yourself anyway. I believe that you cannot make people change. YOU are the only one you can make change and people around you will change in response to your change (similar to a ripple in a pond). If you work on K., then hubby will be surprised when you don't react to an argument in the same manner. You are understandably angry. You are valid in your anger and you are entitled to express it and make yourself heard. However, if you do it in an unhealthy manner you are continuing to throw buckets of water into the boat with a hole in it instead of throwing the water OUT of the boat. You need to find positive ways to speak to him about your anger. I believe that anger is simply fear with a voice. The fear he will cheat again is screaming like a high decible jet "don't hurt me again, I can't trust you with my heart, look what you did the last time". You have a responsibility to yourself to work on K. and help K. find good ways to channel her fear and give that fear a voice that can be productive. By doing this, your children will learn from this as well. They will see that your commitment to yourself, your husband and them as a family will be more important than your commitment to your anger. You will show them that even if you do eventually decide to not stay together that you gave it everything in you to make it work out. You will show them that respect in a marriage is important to maintain and that one partner will hold the other accountable for lack thereof. You will show them that you are not a doormat for him to run all over town and sample the candy. They will see you learning to deal with your anger, hurt, lost trust and know that you are committed which is so lost in our "minute man society". As people we focus so much on what we can have now that we lose sight of the long term effects of that.

Next I would make a commitment for the two of you to have a date night. This is a time when you can get away from the kids for an hour or two and focus on the two of you. No talking about the kids, no talking about the affair, bills, house repairs, car trouble or anything that has to do with anything other than each other. You need to rediscover each other. Men tend to change the way they see their spouse especially after the kids come. No longer are they coming home to a woman that is waiting for them. They are competing for your attention with babies, laundry, cooking, cleaning, sick kids, exhausted women that don't have time to put on fancy dresses or lingere and paint the town red or blow off the restaurant in lieu of a better offer with less clothing. For some men this reminds them of their own mom and how many men want to have a romantic life with their mom? (Okay, there are a few sicko's out there but the majority of men have a problem with it). Men eat, breathe, sleep, work, drive, read the newspaper, play golf and every second or third thought they have has something to do with sex. Many men don't even realize they do it. For some lucky women, those thoughts of sex have to do with them, for others, if the men can't see their wives in that role and now see them as the "mommy" then sometimes those thoughts are transferred to other "objects of their affection" and unfortunately, some men act on them due to lack of self control. My point here is that when you are ready, you need to take control of that spot in his brain where you are the object of his affection and those 2nd and 3rd thoughts are about YOU. It will require extra attention to that part of your relationship but right now is not the time.
You have to heal your foundation. Have you ever seen a house that had a broken foundation? The doors stop closing and eventually the door will not even meet the frame. The walls get cracks in them, the windows can crack and sometimes the rooms can even sink into the ground. The worse the damage to the foundation, the harder it is to repair. You need to start with your foundation K. before you can work on the foundation of your marriage. It may mean that you need a separation if you can't deal with him right now. That doesn't mean a divorce, just time to heal and work on yourself. I would try to do without this step but it may be needed. You are the only one that will know whether or not you can get past this but it sounds like you need some help in finding out who you are after this happened and that is okay.
I will keep your family in my prayers, let me know how it goes. Also feel free to email me privately if you need anything. Unfortunately we are too far apart for me to show up for tea.

C.

Ok, so you forgive him for what he has done, and he chose to work it out with you, when he could have left after having the baby. If you forgive him, you have to do it all the way, its not fair for either of you or the children to throw it back in his face. My advice, I think maybe you two should talk it over, not by yourselves, but with a councelor. That way it can be moderated and no one is throwing the blame game without explanation or getting too emotional and less reasonable. People can change. But you have to allow him to. It doesn't help him to keep trying to make you happy if you keep throwing things in his face. I am sure you get upset when he does it to you. You may have a different response to him doing it to you, but men are built different. You both have to reason with eachother. Good Luck and God Bless.

If you can find it in yourself to forgive him then you will. It soundslie you have but you just are a little insecure of him doing it again. It sounds like you both have learned from the ordeal. You can forgive and maybe not bring it up often but it will always be in the back of your mind. Enjoy yalls time together.
Just out of curiosity did you guys haver a little boy the third time around?
Take time and it will come.
Take Care,
A. H.

Definitly seek counseling, but remember he has to make it right and make you feel good about the situation until YOU are healed not him and there is no time limit on that.

Dear K.,
I cannot say that I relate to your story but I can relate to pain, disappointment, dispair and confusion. Please take what I am going to say as truly from love and not judgement.

So many of us walk a path in our lives focusing on this perfect life: great marriage, great kids, great job, perfect wife, perfect mother, perfect _______... the list goes on. What we miss, though, is the true meaning of our purpose that God gives us. It is only through these trials that we can make the choice to trust in Him or stand on our own. I personally chose to lean on God as my all. He loves me and knows all the things I need. When I am in doubt or frustration - He calls me to trust in Him and not to lean on my own understanding. Putting God first in my life makes me see how I need to focus on the things most important.

From his actions, it seems that your husband has been missing that unconditional love of God. Most of us step out into darkness to seek attention, acceptance or to fulfill our own pride. When we are in the light of God, we depend on Him to give us our security, we are fully accepted by Him - just how we are, and if we have God as our Lord, whom we praise above all other things, we can accomplish anything. He can change anyone and any situation if He is allowed - if we choose to Him first.

I hope you take this to heart and all you have to do is open the door and begin to ask questions. He will be there to answer so have your ears and mind open. I will pray for you and your family. May God Bless you greatly with his Grace.

Dear K.,

To fix the promble that you are having you need to forgive him for what he had done find out more why did he do it in the frist place there has to be more to it. you have to decide your self if you want to stay with him . if you do decide to stay with him you really need to stop puting it in his face about it if he really feels bad for what he has done. he will hnever do it again. you also have to think about the kids with you beening up set about it it could very well but stress on the kids. they know that there is something wrong with mom & dad it's not good when the kids stress. think about what i said and i'll be glad to talk to you more . i have been married for 12 years with 3 girls .

Hi K.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am shocked that this law is still on the books in Arkansas!

The choice is 100% yours, and will be difficult no matter which road you decide to take:
- - if you elect to work it out and stay, you must demand that he cease 100% contact with this woman, and obtain professional help with his apparent issues with lust & honoring commitment. He needs to take blood tests for HIV & std's. You will also need guidance to help your kids through this... If you make the decision to forgive him, you have to do so 100%. Does that mean that you turn your back on what happened and not look for the warning signs? By all means NO! But you have to try & make a fresh start, and a smart one. It has to be made perfectly clear to him that deception is not an option, or you walk. And you have to mean it.

--if you elect to terminate the marriage - - you have to make sure that you can live with that, as well as support your kids through what will be a very emotional transition.

All the best to you as you search for answers. I pray that you find comfort and strength in your decision.

Well just tell your husband you are sorry but you can't get over it and pray if you love him you will get over it in due time.

Wow! First of all how do you have 3 kids, 2 jobs and a PHD program? You sound like superwoman!! As for your husband, I think if he is really tring to make it work maybe it was just a bad mistake he made and he really is sorry. I think counseling is important, for you and him, or at least for you to try and work thru your anger and hurt.
Good luck.

WOW! That is alot to deal with all by yourself. The good thing is, your husband has changed and is trying.
You asked if its possible to move on and get over the intense hurt and betrayal. Well, in my case, I was married common-law from 02-04. We had our daughter Nov. 03. We both agreed we wanted a baby and it was our time. During my pregnancy I worked night shift and my husband worked days. I was pretty miserable almost my entire prenancy and went through it basically alone. My mother lives in Las Vegas and my 2 brothers lived away at the time. This was my first baby therefore all these feelings were new to me. I was scared alot of the time. I would talk to my husband about it all and it was like whatever. He would listen to his friends, all guys mind you, and would tell me I was making up stuff, I'm not being pregnant right, in so many words. Uh yeah! My mother and my step-dad came down for the delivery of my baby and when the day came, my husband was working. My mother called him to come, and he had the audacity to ask if he could come in 2 hours. Uh no!
To make a long story short, we had both agreed to have this baby, together. It turned out, I was all alone all along. We seperated in A. of 04. I was so hurt I didn't know what to do, or which way to turn. I felt kinda betrayed in a way because my husband left me alone thru one of the most important times of my life. Everything that went wrong was my fault.
I know this is much different than being cheated on, but you asked if it were possible to move on. Yes, that is entirely possible. It may take time, alotta time, but if you truly want things to work, they can. Both of you have to want that. You also asked if you could get over it. I believe to a certain point. Kind of like you can forgive but you can never forget. Me and my husband have gone back and forth for almost 2 years now. I've had a lot of time to think things through and I really love him and he is trying to change. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt, but honestly, its so hard. You have 3 kids to think about. I've learned to put the past in the past and just move forward. As long as you continue to bring up the past, you'll never be able to move forward. That was a big problem I had. You just have to be strong and its always good to have someone to talk to about these kind of things. Otherwise, you make yourself crazy and your children suffer for it. Believe me, I know! Good Luck to you in whatever you do. If you need a friend, know that I'm here.
A.-