Desperate to Potty Train!

I tried for quite a while with my son. I just had a brand new baby and didn't have the energy to fight him anymore about it, so I finally told him he was going back into diapers until he decided to be a "big boy." I made him go down for naps when his baby sister did and he didn't get any of the privileges that a "big boy" got. It took about 2 days until he decided he hated diapers and didn't want to be a baby anymore. Also remember that new babies (especially premies) add a lot of stress in the house, not only on parents, but kids too. Good luck!

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As a school teacher, I'm sure you're aware that kids all develop at different rates and times. I'm wondering why you are so desperate for him to do this. I'm also seeing that it has become a power struggle and he's in control. I'd personally back off and when he's ready, he'll do it. I'd start by apologizing to him and letting him know that it's not a big deal and you'll love him whether he goes in the potty or not. I'd also let him know that when he's ready, he can let you know and you can help him if he would like help.
It seems as if you could be setting the stage for more fights between the two of you as he continues to grow and your relationship will not be fun. He's 3. Enjoy the time you have with him and don't hold it against him that he's not ready to use the toilet. I guarantee that he won't be in the first grade and not using the toilet.

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Keep him in his underwear K.. Have HIM clean his accidents up: rinse said underwear and pants or short in the sink, wring them, hang them on the side of the tub... and use a paper towel or dish towel to press down onto the wet spot on the rug or floor to soak it up.

No, it won't be a perfect job that he does--but don't "redo" it in front of him (very important as he's smart enough to figure out how to not work hard at it).

All this will help.

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Have you tired not allowing him to go places (i.e.:store, Chuck E Cheese) 'cause only big boys get to go ?

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I also had trouble with both of my kids. My daughter recently just got trained the month she turned 3. My son wasn't completely trained till he was 3.5. You didn't say what you did when he "didn't care,", but my daughter also didn't care and I would get so frustrated I would just throw a diaper back on and give up. I realized that she knew that would happen and continued to just "not care." So, finally, I decided to just suck it up and put the underwear on her 100% of the time(except at night at first) and just dealt with the messes and did a lot of laundry. I even took her out in underwear and carried extra clothing with me. It really clicked with her when she knew a diaper or pull-up wasn't going back on! She finally "decided" to do use the potty 100% of the time. It took a week. I used Pull-Ups at night for a few weeks just to make sure and once they were gone and she was waking up dry, I put underwear on at night and she did great! I am done, just like that. Be tough and let him mess. Eventually, he's not going to like the feeling and once he knows you are NOT going to give up, he will make the decision to do it. Good luck.

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Dear K.,

Have you noticed how your 3 year old is completely different than your 10 year old? They think differently, do things differently. So it makes sense that they'll learn how to use the potty differently doesn't it? The success you had with kids at preschool was a different experience because, usually kids will do things for other people that they don't do for their own parents and/or at home. It's because kids tend to feel safer at home to just "let go" and learn how and when they can push the limits:) I'm not saying your son is pushing your buttons on purpose when it comes to using the potty. He's too young to even understand purposeful manipulation. He's just not that interested right now in using the potty. He really is the one in charge of his own bodily functions.
I can see that you are very motivated to encourage him to use the potty. You've tried alot of things. Alot of things that can work wonders. I'm sure you are doing the very best you can because you love your children and want the best for them. And what you want now is to help your son use the potty right? What other things did you do with your first son or with the kids in preschool that you have not done with your son? I've heard that following a schedule to use the potty works. Just have him sit on the potty every couple of hours. If he goes - great! If not, it's ok. And if he has an accident. It's ok too. Another thing you could try is - nothing. Just give him his space to use the potty when he's ready. NO judging or expectations. No threats or punishments. This can be more difficult because it can be very frustrating when we "think" our preschoolers should be using the potty. When we are cleaning up yet ANOTHER accident. When you have other children to take care of too. But I invite you to listen to your inner wise mamma. How would she (YOUR wise and loving self) respond to your son during this sensitive and fragile age of 3? What other perspective might you have that would be more helpful for your son? If you approached his potty learning in your wise and loving way, how might you feel differently? How would it be more helpful to you? I wonder if letting go of the attachment to a particular outcome would allow a solution come to you?

Best wishes in your parenting journey.

A.
mom of 4. Birth and Parenting Mentor
www.birthingfromwithin.com

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I just want to support the responses who mentioned the baby sister/attention issue. My son put the brakes on potty training when our younger son was born-and he wasn't a premie with more needs. It sounds like it has become a power struggle and a way for him to get attention-good or bad, it doesn't matter. I finally backed waaaay off and just kept him in diapers and didn't talk to him during diaper time (it used to be a special time to play and talk) and gave him attention doing other things. He finally realized that he wasn't getting what he wanted and started on his own. I remember your frustration, so good luck and hang in there!

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I had five boys who trained pretty easily - one of them early and the others certainly on time. Then my daughter. I tried everything, just like you have. For her, it was just a decision. I don't even know why she finally decided to do it, but it was like turning on a switch. She was 3 years + and before that day, we had had little to no success. We were actually camping in a tent with no bathroom when she made her decision - but I don't think that had anything to do with it. She casually asked if I had brought her big girl panties. Then put them on. She never had an accident after that. She was just ready. Some kids are the same way about talking. They don't say a word until they can say a whole sentence. Good luck!

Hi, I am thinking your preemie newborn takes a lot of TLC from Mom. Which is only natural since all babies do! I am guessing that the refusal has a lot to do with this feeling of losing his place as your baby and his feeling of power to control it. I went to a seminar about training many years and 2 kids ago and I seem to recall a warning of giving the child too much power. he knows this is something that gets a powerful response and feels this is a ticket to attention. what happens with it is completely within his control. he suggested huge rewards that a kid would really want and having to stay dry for extended period before getting it. That all said I do not know what I would do exactly, but I would definitely make a new plan for giving him a bit of one on one daily without the potty discussion and be consistent and nonchalant as humanely possible when you do talk about using the potty. Maybe when you are cleaning him up you could stoically talk about how big kids use the potty and if he isn't going to use it he will not get to do big kid things like blah blah. and when he is ready to start going potty all of the time he will get blank. He is expecting big reactions from you on this. Granted this is all easy from my end and not for the tired Mom on the battle ground. Hope you glean something useful here! Blessings, A.

Hi K., I would say, don't push it. My daughter was 18 months and fully potty trained and my son was 4.5 before he was fully potty trained! I couldn't understand what his problem was but when he was good and ready, well, he got it and then didn't have any problems at all. I know how frustrating it is, but I think it just makes it worse when you try to push it. I do know it's not a good idea to switch back and forth from pull-ups to underwear. It just confuses them. Not sure if this helps or not but I hope you find something that will work for you! Good luck!

Sounds like we have very similar boys! My son was younger, but he was kind of the same when it came to potty training! All I can say is you have to let him be in control of it and let him do it in his own time! At this age kids are trying to be more independent and the smart ones know that there is nothing you can do about this. This is one of the things your child can control and you really can't do anything about it. We backed off and let him take control of when and how he was going to be potty trained and it was a lot less stressful for all of us. Eventually he just kind of did it on his own. My son did it right before he turned 3, but my friend's son was about 3 1/2 before he was ready. I told her about my son's experience and she just let her son lead and when he was ready it only took a few days! I know it's frustrating but it will happen! One of the best things I read in my search for answers was that if you or your child are getting angry, frustrated, irritated, or upset then it's not going to do any good and you should back off for a little while and try again later! Best advice I got! Another thing you can try is have him kind of "observe" your 10 yr. old and your husband when they're in the bathroom so he gets a better understanding of what he's supposed to do to be a big boy. Hope this helps! Good luck!

Hi,

My son who is now 4.5 was the same way. He is very smart too however he just didn't want to potty train. He was 3.5 when he finally potty trained. My other son is now a little over 3 years old and he is on the fence about potty training too; sometimes he goes on the potty and others in his pull up.

I know it's frustrating and you question yourself but don't. Some kids potty train over night, some take weeks and most take months so don't get too upset with your child or yourself. From what I read, you have tried a number of things and what that tells me is you care and you are a good mom---good for you and great for you son!

Hang in there and continue doing what you are doing. I know that is not what you want to hear but that is the best advice I can give. Be consistent and stay in routine with him. Listen to the advice of other moms, find a routine and stick with it; your son will get the hang of it. Constantly changing routines may be confusing versus picking one and sticking with it.

I would definitely let him know he needs to be a big boy and if he wants to do big boy things he needs to go potty on the toilet, etc. I wouldn't say it mean but just let him know. Both my sons really want to be "big boys" so constantly telling them what "big boys" do seems to influence them.

Best of luck. :)

even if he doesn't feel uncomfortable wet now, he will. we went 'cold turkey' into underpants last april. it took a week, but he was trained (poo took about a month)

hang in there

What worked with my son was throwing a few cheerios into the toilet and telling him to sink the boats. It turned it into a game. You may also want to try the book "Toilet training in less than a day" which you can get at Phoenix Public Library. That worked with my now 2 1/2 year old girl. Good Luck!

Hi, this technique is kinda mean for nightime training, but it worked for my 3rd kid (can't remember age, third child). I pushed his bed next to the bathroom door so there was no thinking involved for him to go to the bathroom. I didn't want a wet bed or anything else anymore. Boys tend to wander and pee whereever (garbage cans...) in their sleep.
Boys are harder to train because they don't care.
barely remember my first boy (at 3 years and 1 month): i took a notebook and made him go to the toilet every 10 minutes for 2 days (or something ridiculous like that), and made a written record of it. it was grueling, but it worked.
For my daughter (at 3 years less 1 month) though, grandpa yelled out "who wants to go to Costco?" she said me! but grandpa said i only can take the kids that are potty trained. she replied "I am" and that was it! A couple little accidents the next day or so, but that was it.
Good luck
P.S. We had certain camps and classes...that you had to be at least 3 and potty trained to go to. so it was a goal for the kid to go to camp. He can stay with you and the new baby "watching" other kids swim, slip and slide....until he is potty trained...make it his choice (technique from "Love & Logic")

Hi K.,

The ONE thing that worked for us was the "Potty Power" DVD which we got on Amazon.com I have seen libraries sometimes carry it too. It's for kids - and encourages them to want to be BIG KIDS - showing the difference between being a baby (in diapers) vs. all the things big kids (using the potty) can do. Lots of music, kids, fun....they love it!

Best,
C.

My son was 4 1/2 before he would go on the potty... I HATED changing his diapers. I remember the frustration!!! It was all just a power struggle. He had controll over it and no matter how bad I wanted him to go on the potty or what praise or reward I gave, he just wouldnt do it. Hang in there!!!!

i have five children and have successfully potty trained four of them. the last one has been a challenge for me. he is also 3.5 yrs. old. i was a stay at home mom for the other four, but now am working and don't have the time i used to. with the first four, i used this aid (can't for the life of me remember what it is called and can't find it either. ugh!). it had a sensor that attached to the back of the underwear and strips that went from the back of the underwear all the way to the front. whenever the strip would get one drop on it, the sensor would go off, kind of shocking the kid. we'd run to the bathroom, and he/she would go! it was awesome! if you can find it somewhere, that would definately work. i wish i could find mine.
in addition to that aid, i'd pick an entire day or an entire morning to devote to potty training. he'd stay in one room without carpet. i'd give him anything he wanted to drink for that morning (coke, kool-aid, juice, anything), make him drink every 20 minutes, then take him to the bathroom every 30 minutes. that worked for me.
one more quick tip. put cherrios in the toilet to give him something to aim for. ;)

My son trained very young - before he was 2! He loved being naked and loved that he was allowed to pee outside (in our backyard)! You might try that. Otherwise, I really don't know why he trained so early - he just did, easy-peasy. I can't take much credit for it, but I think it's a myth that boys are harder and take longer. I think we require less of boys and let them train later.

My girl was much more difficult, but she trained a few months before 3, so no big deal. I don't think 3 1/2 is horribly old, but I do think it's time and he's capable. If not now, then in the next few months. But getting into a control battle doesn't get you anywhere. :(

Anyway, try the naked and outside technique. And maybe have husband take him by the side of the house - they can pee together and see who can finish first! Sorry if that sounds gross, but our little guy thought it was a blast. We had a few wet accidents in the first few weeks, but not one poop accident ever, so clean up was not a big deal. Good Luck!

Maybe he isnt ready yet. Every child is different. Maybe stop trying for a while. Good luck!

Hi K.

I heard of a really funny way to potty/toilet train boys. Someone has told me to put happy faces on ping pong balls (table tennis) and put them into the toilet.

When he goes to wee, he has to aim to see if he can hit them!

All the best

J.