Depression or Jealousy?

Dear R.,
A few thoughts from my 36 years of marriage/parenting/depression experience:

1. Please seek professional counseling for your situation and for your depression. Your depression is likely the result of your pent up anger over your current situation. Unresolved anger often manifests as depression. Even if you "hang in there" and "get past" this particular difficult time, buried anger will continue to affect you, your relationships, and your health. Getting help early on could save you a lot of grief down the road. Don't delay. If you find it hard to take this step, enlist the help of a friend to find the right doctor and therapist.

2. Don't even consider leaving your husband over this. He may be acting foolishly and perpetuating an already bad situation, but unfortunately wisdom often only comes to us in retrospect. Life as a single mom of two young girls will NOT be better for you. And it certainly won't be better for them. Divorce turns a child's world upsidedown and alters it forever. Stay committed to your husband and your marriage.

3. In addition to finding a counselor, give expression to your feelings in a private journal. None of what has happened is your responsibility, but it is what it is, and you're in the middle of it. Take responsibility for your own feelings and actions, good or bad. Getting to the heart of what you are feeling and experiencing will help you to cope without escalating things. It's easy to blame others when their choices negatively impact your life. But it is really a tool of self-deception, and it will keep you from moving forward. Sometimes free writing allows us to express our "true" feelings and be honest with ourselves without hurting others in the process.

4. In addition to the above journal, start a "gratitude" journal. Take a moment each morning and each night to jot down a few things you are grateful for in your life. A grateful heart can help keep perspective in troubled times.

5. Get some index cards and write these positive statements. Read them OUT LOUD to yourself several times a day. Keep doing it. You may want to add others.

*I am taking care of myself so I can take care of those I love.
*I am a lovable and loving wife and mother.
*I enjoy a caring, nurturing and peaceful atmosphere in my home.
*I respect my husband even when I disagree with him.
*I am learning and growing from today's circumstances.

Don't try to figure out who is right or wrong. A judgment on who is right or wrong in marriage is like putting nails in a coffin. Every nail pounds a little more life out of the relationship. Too many nails...

These are just some first steps to take to get you started down a better path. Worrying only serves to set us up for failure. We can't just "stop" worrying. So focus on replacing worrisome thoughts with positive, hopeful and, yes, even joyful thoughts.

ACCEPT the help and support you need right now in this difficult time. Don't try to be a martyr. When your depression lifts you will be able to let your light shine again. Then you will be better equipped to make good decisions for you and your loved ones.

Lovingly,
L.

Hi R.,
personally I do not believe what you are feeling has anything to do with being jealous, especially of a seventeen year old. I can almost relate even though my situation is not the same as yours, my marriage involves an extended family. I have a son and my husband has two boys. My parents raised me to be ready and responsible for the world once I turned 18 because that is when they cut the strings, Literally. In turn I am raising my son to not only be ready for college but responsible enough to handle the world on his own and be responsible.

On the other hand, my husband's oldest son tests the waters big time. He is manipulative, extremely lazy, and will just do what he has to do to get by. As far as I'm concerend he commands way more attention from my husband than I believe is necessary and it bothers me a lot but for the most part I bite my tongue.

Recently his son had the attitude that he shouldn't have to clean up after everybody eles's mess ( He didn't feel he had to wash dishes or clean up the mess he makes...Hmph!)anyway, I told my husband that if that was his attitude and he didn't feel he needed to do what I say, then I was leaving. I can make it on my own and I will not allow a 16 year old to dictate my life or run my home. The other two teenage sons didn't have a problem so I wasn't about to allow one to get away with it.

That put a fire under my husband, he sat him down and laid out the rules. In fact he even set up a schedule, they each take turn cleaning the kitchen, they each do their own laundry, which they had been doing but the lazy one would take darn near a week to get it done, etc. He made it very clear what was expected.

They also know that unless they are in college full-time and passing, that is the only way they can stay at home. Other than, they best find a job and their own place.

So no R., I don't feel you are jealous nor should you feel bad about your desire to have a baby. I don't suggest you leaving your husband, every situation comes with it's own circumstances but I would suggest having a candid talk with your husband and let him know how this is affecting you and your marriage. How you are feeling needs to be addressed because the more depressed you get over this, it will not only affect you and your husband but your baby girls as well. I wish you the best of luck and hope to hear from you.
S.

R. - First of all let me say, in MY opinion - you need to get on some sort of medication to help you. Depression is a disease....it is NOT something that you can just sweep under a rug OR move on about. I struggle with depression and I believe it is because of a situation similiar to yours that I lived for 12 years. Although I "moved on" I still have uncontrollable (sp?) feelings and the medication helps me stay balanced. Second, I do not think you are wrong in anyway with the way you feel - I think it is NORMAL, BUT, there is no amount of nagging that you can do that will make your husband see his daughters true colors!!! I tried with 3 step kids for 12 years to get my exhusband to see things that I thought were wrong with his kids and all it did for me was push him closer to them. He NEVER put me first and he NEVER let me discipline them. I was supposed to be the taxi, maid, atm and caregiver when they needed to be comforted or they were sick(which by the way - they lived with us AND we still paid child support $1200 per month)but, I was NOT their mother so I did not need to try and replace her! I have to say that without a doubt, I know EXACTLY how you feel! I DO NOT think that your relationship AT THIS TIME is stable enough to have another child. I also think that you cannot put anymore stress on yourself because you REALLY need to be strong for the 2 girls that you ALREADY have. This problem MAY be God's way of showing you that now is not the time. IF and only IF I had to do it all over again...knowing now what I didn't know then(not at all meaning that I want to go back)I would be "the stepmother", be strong and take care of my own girls, continue to do what you have always done...but NO Nagging! Do not say anything to your husband about his daughter and try to avoid his daughter at all cost. Be nice to her but do not make yourself AVAILABLE for her! Then if they say anything, remind them that you are NOT her mother. Give them a little dose of what they are doing to you. I do not mean for you to be UGLY - just separate yourself if you will from them and invest your time in your girls and their happiness. I am a Christian so I say this with all respect and hope I do not offend you...but GOD and ONLY GOD can do miracles...I believe that with all of my heart!!! Stay in Prayer - Prayer is powerful and although the answers you may want may not be WHAT you want...they will be God's answers if you trust and give this situation all to him and do not take it back! I will pray for you and your family. To sum things up after writing you this "book" it is my not so professional opinion that you should just sit back, keep your mouth shut and let your step daughter hang herself. I am happy to be a sounding board if you need one. Take care and good luck! Keep your chin up - God is NOT the author of confusion and this is confusion - so lean on him and he will pull you thru things! An'drea

R., I completely get your feelings. Just to give ya a little background...I was married and had no children of my own. My husband had 3 from previous marriages. My then stepdaughter was living with us and was about the same age as yours. She aborted the first pregnancy without our knowledge (Her mother assisted) but had the next baby. We were trying to have a baby of our own up until we found out she was pregnant. My husband acted similar to yours paying lots of attention and spoiling her. I felt really forgotten. He stopped talking about having a baby with me and quit going to any more infertility doctor visits with me. I can admit it now that I was extremely jealous of the fact she was pregnant and I wasn't and also getting lots of attention from my husband.

How I handled it after I sulked for a while was took my husband out to dinner just the two of us. We had a very serious talk about both of our feelings. He wasn't even aware of what he was doing and that it was hurting my feelings. It helped alot. I encourage you to talk to your husband and tell him what you are feeling.

As far as the issues with your step daughter remember she is only 17 and still just a kid, and doesn't sound like she has much common sense. She is right that you are not her mother but her step mother. Just keep being patient and take lots of deep breaths. Beleive me I know it's easier said than done. I would also address this with your husband because despite the fact that you are not her mother it is still your home and you deserve respect.

Best of luck to you and I hope this helps.
Ginny

R.,
This is a really difficult situation for all concerned. The thing that concerns me most is that the child keeps escalating her problems and it seems there are no consequences- Daddy keeps bailing her out. This has to come to a bad end. She needs help and the sooner the better. She should be receiving it professionally from a group which assists pregnant teens. Call Lifeworks for info on that.
I am also concerned about Daddy lying in bed with her. This doesn't sound good. It is as though she is now the primary female in the house. Family counseling for the 2 of you with a few sessions with the daughter AFTER you two figure out where you are as a couple. Another baby would be a complication until you two get on firmer ground. If your husband won't go to counseling, go alone, it will help you figure out your half of the problem and that is more than half of the solution. Call your insurance company for names of therapists your area that they pay for. If you are depressed, consider medication. Going through life depressed is like mountain climbing with a 50 pound weight on your back!
I am curious as to why the daughter is not living with her "real mother"? And where is the baby's dad in all of this? There is a lot of responsibility that needs to be taken by the involved people.
Don't give up on the child but you need to protect your mental health to parent the two girls you are raising who depend on you. Good luck.
K.

Hey R.,

It actually sounds like a little bit of both (depression and jealousy). It is normal for you to feel a bit of jealousy because 1). she is taking away from YOUR time with your husband, 2). using your finances to support her irresponsible lifestyle, and 3). taking away from your husbands willingness to have another baby with you. Damn straight I'd be jealous and pissed! Furthermore, your depression, especially when untreated, makes your feelings even worse. Do you have a therapist that you can talk with? Sometimes just having someone OUTSIDE of your family to vent to really helps!

The number one thing that you need to focus on is yourself. You really should discuss with your husband your feelings and needs and let him know that you are not going to be second to his oldest daughter. You are the mother of two of his children and his wife and he needs to respect you. If he's unwilling to do that then maybe you do need to reconsider your thoughts on leaving. But I wouldn't consider that until it's a last resort to get his attention, especially if you want to remain a SAHM.

I hope this helps,
M.

I'm sorry you are living with all this going on. You have my prayers. It's obvious that Someone really loves you! And what a blessing that a wonderful group of women responded to your post with concern, compassion and great advice. Since I'm familiar with depression and how hard it can be to make moves for help I took it upon myself to see where you are located and checked out some local places that might be able to help you. Here's what I found:

You can always call 2-1-1 (24 hours) for free referral to health and social services such as counseling centers and crisis pregnancy centers

United Way of El Paso is located at 1918 Texas Ave. Phone number is ###-###-####

Family Service of El Paso gives affordable counseling and they are located at 6040 Surety Dr. and their number is ###-###-####

University Behavioral Health offers free initial assessments and has a Minirth Christian Program. Their number is 888 789-HOPE (4673)

Living Hope Christian Counseling is located at 6044 Gateway Blvd and their number is ###-###-####

In addition, you can find some counselors listed at www.thecityofelpaso.us/counseling/index.html

In case your husband will consider getting his daughter some free help from a pregnancy center (counseling, parenting classes, education on STDs, maternity and baby clothes, pre-natal vitamins and such) here are some he can check out:

Birthright, 812 N Virginia St, ###-###-####

Crisis Pregnancy Services, 2200 San Jose Ave, ###-###-####

Pregnancy Help Center, 2301 N Lee Trevino Dr, ###-###-####, www.pregnancyhcep.org (Looks like a good one!)

Love of Life Pregnancy Center ###-###-####

It took courage to reach out on this site. Do it again until you get all the help you need to be able, not only to function, but to have joy again! May the Lord protect you, guide you and comfort you.

Neither. You may be frustrated because you cannot fix the situation. The problems you are focused on really are not your problems...they are your husband's and step daughter's. All you can do is respond in a mature manner and set the appropriate boundaries. The home is yours and your space has been invaded. The 17 year old needs to get a job and start being responsible. If the first pregnancy failed and she did not learn at that time, she needs a swift kick in the bootie and I am sure life as a mother will have plenty of rounds of that...where is the father of this child? I would say he needs to be called to duty, not your husband.

The 3 of you need to seek counceling. Alone or separately. You,especially. It will help you figure out it it is jealousy or depression.

As for taking responsibility for your step-daughters actions, that is WRONG! They are HER actions. Speaking as a step daughter, I HATED my step mother when I was a teen, even moved out of my fathers house because of it. But we are great friends now. We have out arguments (like when she tried to butt in with my kids). But she backs off and lets me be the parent.

As for you having a child, that is between you and your husband. Again, therapy.

Good Luck!

i think you have every right to say 'not me!!' i would refuse to take care of her responsibilities!! i tell my 14 year old now, don't do it..because i'm not raising it!!! she made her bed let her lie in it.

Step up for yourself, it is her that is being selfish...not you. i'm sorry but get ready cuz it sounds like your husband is feeling guilty and "taking care of her". she might make a rift in your marriage.

if someone tells you that "you are not her mother" tell them right back, that No, you aren't but you are someone who cares and this IS still your house, and she still has a lot of growing up to do obviously..you need to set some ground rules. Someone hasn't or else she would not have gotten pregnant again, and instilled in her that it would be better for her to wait.....

I would be irritated, angry, depressed and jealous, and it would be eating me up!, so you are not alone in the way you feel - if you want another baby then you should be able to have one, and you should tell your husband you are not prepared to wait just because your DSD is pregnant.
NO you do not have to take care of DSD's baby, although you may end up helping her out a LOT if she is living with you, but at 18 she can get a place of her own. it sounds like she is very irresponsible and childish - my sister got pregnant at 18, but she got married to the father and moved in with him (any possibility of that?)

if you already are going to have one baby in the house - then another one shouldnt be too much more work (yeah right?!!) if you tell your husband that babies are like cats - once you have one you may as well have 2 since you have al the stuff, some men are taken in by that sort of thing.
dont feel too bad about him lying on the bed with her and loving on her - she is still his baby girl after all, prego or not.

i have been a difficult stepdaughter, i did not see eye to eye with my stepmother who was only 8 years older than me - and i said to her on numerous occasions, "back off, your not my mother", but she continued to do right by me until i moved out, and i admire and respect her for that.
dont do or say anything you may later regret - and if you really want another baby then go for it.

I completely understand you. I don't think you're jealous because she's pregnant and you're not. You're entitled to be upset and hurt. Her father is rewarding her for being irresponsible. Your husband has allowed your plans for having a baby to take a backseat to his teen daughter getting pregnant, and it's not right! Go in a quiet place and pray on this situation. Then talk with your husband. Explain that you all have 2 more girls and you don't want the same outcome. Hopefully he'll understand the seriousness of your feelings.

Goodness, what a horrible predicament to be in. I hope he talks her into adoption or you will be raising her baby. Normally when people have their children together, they have this natural nak for working out how they are going resolve a situation as they get older because they have already learned how to meet eachother half way during their childs younger years. But when you enter a family, you have to learn you can only be a friend to their child or you're going to upset your spouse. When the child starts saying you are not her mother, then you have crossed the line of friendship. This is going to make your husband's protection mode over his daughter go overboard. He is doing what he may normally not be doing because he is now protecting her from you. The only thing you can do is distant yourself so he can start thinking and seeing things for himself. The more you tell him what to do, the more he's going to feel like he has to protect her. Good luck!

Somewhat similar situation: My sister tried to have children for 13 years...finally gets pregnant and one year later her step-daughter has a child too. My sis is very strong willed and has changed this from a poor situtation into a great one. The two boys are like cousins, even brothers - they play together well and love each other. The step-daughter previously had a typical hateful relationship with my sis. Maybe they had counseling, maybe she matured just by being a mom...she is acutally a really good mom after being a 'do-nothing' teen. Step daughter did not move in, she had support from bio-mom and even WIC program. She had to take responsibility. Baby's daddy out of the picture. Now step-daughter is married to a great guy.
I would have reacted like you, trying to be nice, but then things get out of hand. Take control if you can. Your husband and step-daughter are not facing reality and stepping up to their responsibilities and mature roles in life.
I didn't read every response...I agree with most and Jennifer T. on 5/29/09 gets to the point.

You have a right to feel like you do. Your first mistake was allowing her to play the you're not my mom card. Your husband seems to be buying into the daddy's girls syndrom and you may have to decide what is best for you and your kids. Your stepdaughter is still a teen but has chosen to be a woman so treat her like one. If you want more kids and he chooses not to, why put your dreams on hold. Not sure of your age but two kids in this world or quite enough but you married him not his kid and anyone that does not pay bills, can't keep her birth control in order and is wrecking cars that she didn't pay for should not have a whole lot of credit in the decision making department. I would not relieve her of responsibility. Let her raise her kid and you attend to your kids. Remind hubby and her that you are not her mother and had you been allowed to, she may not be in the position that she's in now. I would let the two of them figure it all out for themselves until they admit that you are an important person and in the meantime. In lieu of depression, keep in mind that you get one life and maybe you need to do what she took for granted, go back to school (on line if need be) get an education, a job and if need be a new life.

I am a stepparent also to two daughters. They are ages eleven and thirteen. Now I have an eleven month old daughter of my own. Being in a blended family is not for the weak. I thought I was strong enough but I succombed to depression also. The only thing that kept me sane and still married was God.
It is important for daughters to get time with daddy but he needs to spend quality time with you also. My husband and I have discussed this numerous times ourselves. I finally decided that I was going to be happy. I told him this also. He can be a part of my life or not but my happiness can't hinge on his behavior. We still have problems but we discuss them and try to work through them. It is very hard to not be included in part of my husbands life. No matter how nice we are and how hard we try to make things work we still get the wicked stepmom label eventually. Ultimately they are our children to love and take care of but we are not really their parents. It is not a role for the weak hearted. I read that the honeymoon period for a couple with stepchildren is after the kids are grown. Me, I am looking forward to this and learning to enjoy what I have now.
Remember that men don't communicate like we do. Don't just assume he does not want to have another child. Talk to him about it. Tell him your feelings about his attitude. But check your attitude with how you would feel if this was one of your birth daughters. If one of them got pregnant and he was helping her out. Ultimately she is responsible for her own actions but we as parents want to help out our kids. And remember that she is still a teenager. She may be making decisions but she is not really an . She still needs parents rather she wants them or not. When you married her dad you became a "parent" rather she wants you or not. Someday she will grow up and her attitudes will probably change. She will get to grow up with her child and that is really sad.
If you don't know God then you need to. He is the only one who can really help you through this.
Someday when we get to our honeymoon period (after the kids are all moved out) this will all be a memory. We will have stronger marriages from surviving all the blended family drama (not that it will ever really end). Until then I am standing with you as a fellow stepmother and wife.

Hi R. G.
With all that drama around you, who wouldn't be depressed. I think you have a lot to think about your husband and his daughter. You are more women than me because I would have to question the whole situation. Where is the father of this child and why is your husband her dad giving her nore time than he gives you. What's really going on? Women should realize we all deserver better than we accept from some of these men. You deserve to be treated the same way that you have treated them. All I can say is if it keeps getting worst let them have it. I don't know any father that is going to promote this kind of behavior. Maybe if they would have let you be more motherly to this girl she would be on her second baby at 17 years old. Your husband needs to get a handle on himself and stop acting like he is the daughters boyfriend. Like I said you are a big women, because me they would be looking at my dust in the wind. Depression is a for sure sign of unhappiness. You are not jealous because they should not be acting like lovers. Your husband is setting her up for failure and sending out mixed signals to all how see them carrying on like lovers. I hope that you will find out what to do, because that is no way to live. They are right you are not her mother but, both of them need to respect you as the lady of the house. Email me back.

Rfuaw

Well let me just give a bit of advice that I am sure that I would follow but I would hope I was strong enough to.
I say leave him. I am sorry to say that because you seem to truly love him for staying this long. However, you are being treated like an outsider. Your husband should try make sure that you are happy too. He asking you to give up everything. He should have stood up to his daughter and give her a little tough love. And what are you teaching your bio kids. That a woman should give up on her hopes and dreams and that she is not worth being treated as an equal. And that it is okay to have unprotected sex and for that matter have sex before marriage. And that you do not have to take responsibility for your actions.
I come from a blended family and what you described is not how it should be at all. Of course you will never be the mom to your step but you should still be an authorty figure, a kind heart to come to, a listener and give love to the girl. And if she is disrespectful to you then your husband should step in. I feel sorry that you are going through this. And I bet you are suffering from depression and jealousy. You are only human. You are morning the loss of the relationship with your husband that you once had, you are giving up the dream of another child and it sounds like you have no outside support. And this young girl is being given the world for unwise decisions and total lack of responsibility.
I wish all the strength and soon happiness.

Your husband needs to grow up and instigate some Tough Love. I've been there and done that with my first child. She lost her first baby by miscarriage but immediately got pregnant again. That was 11 years ago. She finally grew up but not before having 2 more children, luckily by the same Dad which she eventually married but it hasn't been easy for her. Your stepdaughter needs to accept responsibility and grow up now. It was her choice to have sex and now she has to deal with it. It's not your responsibility or your husbands. It her responsibility and the baby's dads' responsibility. She nees to get a job, if possible, and start making plans for the future. And that doesn't mean having you babysit for the baby once it's here. I may sound cruel but it's more cruel to enable her to be this way and allow her to think that this is okay. You're husband is only keeping her from growing up and from being the responsible person she needs to be now. I'm sure your stepdaughter was jealous of you, and may still be, when you came into the picture. She had her dad all to herself and then there was you. Her jealousy is normal to a point but you've both had time to adjust and it's possible her behavior is a result of her trying to keep her father's attention at whatever cost. I'm not saying this is the case as I don't know your entire situation but I'm speaking from experience. If you and your husband can't come to a meeting of the minds regarding his daughter I'm afraid it will become a big problem for you. It won't resolve itself and will only get worse. And yes, I'm sure you're depressed and jealous both. Again, until you two both agree on a common understanding regarding his daughter you will continue to feel this way. Sit down and really talk about this with him. You won't be able to move on until you do and you shouldn't be expected to. Good luck to everyone involved!

I can see your point, but accidents do happen to 17 year olds. She is still young and like all teenagers make drastic mistakes. Best thing to do is give the daughter and your husband space, meaning just let things be, and have a positive attitude with both of them. Just pray this girl has a healthy baby and nothing wrong with it. I am sure you will be a good grandma to it.

R.,
My first worry is about you. If you feel sadness in your heart and depressed I urge you to go to the doctor. Take care of you first. your husband is at his wits end and feels guilt over his daughter and probably the break-up of his original marriage because it does affect kids for a long time. The daughter is insecure and jealous of you and your relationship with her father. Getting pregnant at her age is a cry for someone to love, she needs someone to love. i do not see it as a matter of you being jealous. Your husband needs to wake up to reality and stop treating you as an outsider. Too late people open their eyes and realize what a mess they made of their lives. The girl needs counseling. Is her mother involved in her life? that has a huge influence on her actions. i speak from the standpoint of a divorced mother and my ex-husband started a new family with another person and essentially shoved it down my kids throats. this happened almost 6 years ago and I have teenagers who still resent their Father's stupid action and are now watching his marriage break up. The daughter wants attention. Teenagers can not see past tomorrow or the future and it is all about them. You are under no obligation to raise this child as your own, it is your step-daughter's decision and she needs to learn responsiblitity. It is ok to accept what has happened, but I can guarantee once the baby is here she is in for a rude awakening. A few nights of getting up 3-4 times to nurse etc. she won't be so quick next time to work on baby #2. hang in their, but please go get some help from your doctor. You have your own girls to raise and they do need their mommy.

You all need to see a family therapist and FAST!

I know of an excellent one. My husband and I are currently seeing her.

Her name is Ms. Calloway. She can be ____@____.com is located off of Wurzbach and Fredericksburg Rd.

Good Luck.

Hi R.,

I hope what I am about to tell you will help you in some way, but it will depend on you. Communication with your spouse about how you feel and what is going on would be a good start. If he does not want to talk about it. Then there is a problem. Your feelings are real and wether it is depression or jealousy your feeling this way for a reason. If your husband has been tending to his daughter and not his wife and this has been going on from day one then its not going to change. Only you know if there has been change in your marriage wether good or bad. You need to look at the whole picture and not part of it. His daughter is from the first marriage, but she is not his wife and if there has been a change of postion or you never had that postion from the get go then you will have your answer. Look at your relationship is there room for improvement, has there been growth between you two. What has kept you together? Ask there hard guestions and find the answers. The answers are always there in front of you. You just have to ask the right questions and be honest with yourself. If your a believer pray about it and read your bible and then be patient. I hate to see any marriage end with out trying so I will pray that my Lord will help you. May God Bless you in these days and the days to come.

Hi R.,
I feel for you How do you advise someone in this situation.
Not easy. It seems to me that "daddy" is feeling some sense of loss with this child- not wanting to accept the fact that she is not his "little girl" anylonger. And, apparently this girl lacks lot of self esteem- or she would not be looking for love in all the wrong places. Pregnancy for the 2nd time at age 17 certainly shows something is missing for her. She needs counseling and most definetly parenting classes.
Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do at this time except "just be there"........ I would however, let it be known that this is still "your home" and you at the very least deserve the respect of a caregiver- but she will have to accept the responsibility of the child.
If daddy constantly continues to give in to her, then he should get some counseling as well.......
I would chose my words and my battles very carefully- and in most cases- just say nothing- just walk away from any conflict- no matter how hard that is-because you need to keep the best atmosphere in the home s you can for your other children. Only offer advice and help if she ask for it- otherwise- try and let her fend for herself- do her own laundry, etc-
and, you did not mention the father of the baby.... what is his role in this situation?
When this baby is born ypu will find it in your heart to love this baby because it will always be a part of you family.
This to will pass- patience
goodluck and blessings

Hoping the original poster of this question may still be checking this site. I am in a very similar situation with my step-daughter and husband. Husband and I have been trying to have child for 7 years. Been through all the infertility treatments with no luck. Husband doesn't want to adopt. 18 year old SD recently told us she's pregnant. Doesn't appear that it was an accident even though she knew the heartache it would cause. No job, husband, education or plan for how to handle the baby other than we should support her. Don't think I can bring myself to help her raise this baby. Call it jealous, bitter, resentful. It is what it is and I can't seem to help it. Wondering how this turned out for you and how you were able to keep you marriage and family together.

R.,

I would suggest you have frank talk with your husband about you feelings. And about his daughter and her future. His daughter needs some counseling and probably some family counseling is not a bad idea. At 17 she cannot see the implications of her choice to have a baby.

Has she considered adoption? LDS Family Services has a wonderful adoption program that gives girls in her situation all the information they need to make an informed decision. The step-daughter is obviously not thinking about anyone but herself and her needs. She needs to seriously consider what her future and the child's future will be like if it stays in her care?

Your husband needs to talk to his daughter about her future. He should say things like, "I'm sure you've thought about how you will need to get a job and start thinking about how you will support yourself and the baby.", "I'm sure you've thought about how you cannot live here forever with your baby.", "What kind of example are you setting for your younger siblings?" etc. She hasn't even graduated from high school for heaven's sake! She sounds irresponsible and in great need of attention! If your husband had given her this much attention before she got pregnant maybe she wouldn't be searching for attention from boys. He probably feels guilty about the situation she's in.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. Your husband needs to start thinking about you and his other two children and really start thinking about what is best in the long run for his 17 year old daughter.

wow! that's a hard one. it sucks that u can't have everything u were hoping for, but obviously it would be bad timing. i understand that u want her to take responsibility for her actions....and it is taking a toll on your marriage...especially since u don't know what role to take in her life. according to relationship experts...your marriage comes first, then your children...your children want to feel safe and in a stable home. he needs to know how u are feeling, otherwise changes cannot be made. i don't get how she got pregnant twice! wasn't the first time a wake up to get her on birth control?! the actions she has taken says she wanted to be pregnant! she sounds like she has her own issues! maybe this family needs family counseling to get thru all these layers...good luck

You do not have to take responsibility for this baby. You do not have to raise or take of this child if you don't want to. My momma always told me that she wasn't going to raise any grandchildren and that I better consider that before even thinking of getting pregnant. You do need to be there for her and her father as the step-grandmother. Be a wonderful step-grandma. Enjoy it as much as possible. But, leave it at that. Do your best to reconnect and talk with your husband when things calm down a bit. You could still have another baby if that's what you want. Your husband is just distracted right now. You do sound a little bit jealous of the attention she's getting from your husband. That's normal. He's your husband and you still want his attention as well. She's his daughter and he has to give her some attention too. Back off a bit for a short while and give it all time to settle down. Don't nag. Don't even discuss it right now. Offer support. I wouldn't offer advice right now unless they specifically ask. Gently say things that might be taken hard - like you don't plan to babysit while she works full-time or goes to school, that's what is so wonderful about daycare centers, etc. Say it gently at this point and only when necessary. Otherwise, leave it alone. Put on something he can't refuse and get some attention at least for that moment. This is a hard emotional time for everyone involved, yourself included.

well i think these are normal feelings to have. it sounds to me that your husband needs to make his daughter grow up a little bit by taking on responsibility instead of handing her everything and you need to be the person you always are and continue on. maybe you should let your husband read these responses. to get others views on whats going on best of luck!!!!!! THIS IS MY 1st RESPONSE

AFTER READING OTHERS RESPONSES
After reading other responses i have to agree with one for bringing up a group for single moms i totally agree that your husband and you should get her to attend some group meeting to hear what single young parents have to deal with on a daily basis also talk to your husband and let him read what you have wrote and all the responses you have recieved and then he may understand what your going thru and maybe this will help yall get thru this time again best of luck i would be interested in knowing the outcome

Hi R.,
You are justified in your concerns for your husband's 17 yr old daughter and her future child. I don't think you are either depressed or jealous, what you say makes perfect sence! I think she has no idea what lies ahead in raising a child and she is still a child. It will do one of two things, either it will make her grow up and really start to appreciate what you have done for her along the way or she will continue to be irresponsible and make bad choices. I have seen too many "grandparents" raising their grandchildren. She has a low self esteem to get herself in this situation twice within a few months of each other. She is seeking love and approval from the boys and usually its due because she never felt loved enough by her own father. So she may have this baby and don't be surprised if she doesn't go and do it again. She should be going to a group therapy type of situation with other young girls her age so she can have her eyes opened to the issues that lie ahead. See if there is a single young moms group in your area. Good luck, because you are going to need it! I will be thinking about you.

Dear R., Please consider that you and your husband may need a Godly counselor to get through this. The daughter is a woman, a young woman but still - she chose to be sexually active, and it looks like she may have set up a young man to fill her needs. She sounds quite self centered. There is a biological father for this child and he must participate in the childs future care; even if it is to let the baby be adopted by a stable mature couple who would be devoted to the care and upbringing of this baby.

I believe asking God into your family is necessary; whether the daughter will also allow for his guidance is in question. Why is the daughter not living with her mother? Everyone needs to direct this girl toward growing up to be accountable. That is difficult - some call it tough love, but the girl wants the privileges of a grownup - she must start learning the harder side - being responsible. It isn't good to facilitate her by always rushing to put a pillow under her when she throws herself down in a fit. She can and will destroy your marriage unless you and your husband communicate - work together - pray together - and admit you together need help.

So Sorry for your situation! It is not jealousy!!!!!!! It is understandable you are depressed!! What your husband is doing is not fair to you at all. I suffer from depression myself, take antidepressants daily and have most of my life. You should talk to your doctor about it. It sounds like your depression is caused from your situation. Please let me know how it goes. You need to put your foot down when it comes to raising her child, that would not be fair to you!!!!

M.

Wow, that's alot to deal with. So many dynamics. Maybe you aren't jealous. Maybe you aren't depressed. Maybe you just need to talk to someone and air out your thoughts and feelings. Sometimes we don't see the clearest of pictures when everything sits in deep in our hearts surrounded by all those emotions. Talk to someone and let it out. You can't really put your foot down when you aren't sure where you stand on certain situations and issues with your spouse and stepd.

May the Lord bring someone kind and wise by your side to help you through this!