Depressed About Husband. Need Support Now.

wow. I guess it's always easier to criticize or think you have a "better way" when you never actually have to DO it.
If he wants to be the "father" he needs to be around more.
I don't really have anything to suggest for you, except marriage counseling IF he could fit it into his busy schedule.

I suggest signing both of you up for a parenting class together. You'd be surprised. Some things you hear are going to confirm what you are doing and some are going to confirm what he is doing. Than you should both be able to see validity in each others styles and have common ground to start from. Try to find one that is 6 pm on Saturdays. Then go out for an ice cream date as a family afterward.

You know, in my house, my husband is the very strict one and I am the logical, loving mommy. I can tell you from personal experiance that my 4 and 5 yr old have much more respect for dad than me. They love me, but they love and respect him. I had to let go of some of the control and allow him to be the disciplinarian and to back him up, even when he wasn't home. We follow dads rules, even when dad isn' there and it's made a huge differance in my house. There is peace and order. I'm no longer being run by my kids! Even though I think he's ridiculously mean and often just a hradass, the kids seriously respond well to it. There are some things, like putting your son to bed, that if they are that important to him, you need to respect. FInd a way to make it work. Give him a warm bath, warm milk, read a story, set a bed time routine. Start winning your son over to the idea by praising him for being daddys big boy and sleeping in his big boy bed all by himself before you even try it. Putting him to bed is going to make him unhappy for a little while at 1st. Laying down with him is making your husband feel like you don't respect him and he's angry about it now and will contiue to feel that way about it. You're not a bad mom. You're following your God given instinct. It's hard to admit that might not be the only way to do it. Sometimes we all need to give a little.

1-2-3 Magic .....that's the video you need to watch to learn how to effectively parent & discipline your child. Watch it with your husband & be consistent.... & then you'll both be on the same page. But I want you to be forewarned....a lot of what he is doing is on track & a lot of what you are doing is not. Based on your comments, it sounds as if your child is in control & not you! Time to change .....the older he gets, the worse he'll be!

I want to be very clear on this: when your child is screaming & throwing a tantrum.....the worst thing you can do is to cuddle him & try to figure out what is wrong. There should be no interaction from you until he is calm & can listen to your words. You need to be firm in your approach.....& at all costs avoid pleading with him!

Since your child is two & you're feeling alone ....what about a part-time job for you & part-time preschool for your son? Is that a possibility? I think getting out of the house would do both of you a world of good, & it just may be the catalyst your marriage is needing right now! Peace.

I suggest that you call the CPS worker who came out and ask if she can help you. Let her know that your husband is the one that wants him to cry it out. That your husband is demanding and disagrees with your parenting style. I suggest that CPS can provide you with a parenting class that will help you feel confident in what you're doing which will enable you to stand up to your husband.

From your description I think that you have many good ideas for parenting and that his father is from the dark ages. He is also extremely unreasonable to expect you to parent how he wants when he's not there to see the behavior or do any of the parenting.

A friend just had a visit from CPS last week. The worker offered her some resources to help with a teen child. This mother is calling back next week, if she hasn't heard from them, and ask for their help.

I worked for years with CPS. I adopted my daughter thru CSD. Yes, they have a few ineffective workers who make parent feel badly but the majority of them are doing this job because they care for kids and families. Their primary goal is to keep families together. I see CPS as an excellent resource for help in parenting.

Give them a call and see what they can help you with and ask them questions so that you can feel comfortable.

As to your relationship with your husband, get some counseling for yourself. I suggest that since you feel that you're married to a paycheck it might be reasonable to be a single parent. Just an idea to explore.

okay - let's break it down. this may not be the advice you want to hear but I'm TRYING to help.

Marriage:
1. He's working to escape - this is MY opinion....it's not just about the paycheck - it's about "escape". It's easier to work and bring money home than it is to try and work out the problems at home.
2. It is MY opinion that you two are in serious need of COMMUNICATION lessons - I would STRONGLY suggest that you guys seek a STRONG marriage counselor.
3. You two need to get on the same page...you are on different pages and it sounds like different chapters.

Marriage/Son/Discipline
1. You and your husband need to get on the same page about discipline.
2. DO NOT fight in front of your child ABOUT your child...he will (even at the age of 2) use it to HIS benefit.
3. You and your husband need to write a list of discipline expectations and negotiate what you are willing and not willing to do in the event of a tantrum, bed time, etc. if you are NOT together on this - EVERYTHING will implode.
4. Once you and your husband agree on discipline, you BOTH need to enforce it. PERIOD. No means No. If he comes to you for something and your husband is home - CHECK with your husband before you say YES - 9 times out of 10 - he has already talked with daddy - daddy said No and this is gonna cause a fight.

YOU.
1. YOU need time for yourself. If that means that you need to schedule a babysitter to get some YOU time - then do it. DO NOT call to check on him. DO NOT THINK about him - go to a movie, go get a mani/pedi - go SHOPPING for YOU and ONLY you.
2. You need to do this WEEKLY. I am NOT kidding nor am I exaggerating.
3. Your son needs to go to play dates so that he is socialized with other children and watch them behave. he will learn from them as well...sometimes not good things - but you can work on that.
4. if you can afford it - put him in a day care PART TIME - like 3 hours per day 3 days a week....go to the YMCA..they usually have a GREAT program there - you can work out and take care of you there.
THIS IS NOT a joke and not up for negotiation...SAHMs NEED time to themselves - weekly. There are A LOT of men who think that SAHMs don't do much during the day but play, watch TV, Take naps, etc. - my husband went so far to say that "all you do is watch TV and eat bon-bons all day" (I could've killed him that day)...then he lost his job and watched for 6 weeks my routine during the day - the shopping, the meal planning, the diaper changes, the potty training, the play dates...the list goes on and on...now? he BOWS to me....(lol).

Your Son.
1. Your son is now in control....sorry - I have to agree with your husband on that one. I know it's hard to let your child cry. Your son has won the battle and knows it. He KNOWS he will get his way if he screams long and loud enough.
2. If CPS was called - I take it was "unfounded" - so GET INFORMATION - find out where you can get some parenting classes, etc. as you need to take back control over your life and your son.
3. Establish a bedtime routine. DO NOT stay in his room. Ours is bath, brush, book, bed - prayers. Again, your husband is right - you have made him a dependent sleeper. I'm sorry - but coddling into control is not the way to go.
4. If your son is throwing a tantrum - DO NOT cuddle him. He knows how to control you - tell him his behavior is UNACCEPTABLE - put him in time out until he can talk to you like a big boy..if he gets up from that spot - PUT HIM BACK and the time starts over. DO NOT LET HIM CONTROL THE SITUATION - right now - HE DOES.
5. State the rules to your son - believe it or not - a 2 year old is pretty darn smart - this is where they are exhibiting their independence and learning how to control situations with actions and words...
6. Your son MUST have boundaries and rules. Children who do NOT have boundaries and rules are snot-nosed brats who end up feeling entitled to things which they did not earn.

is this going to happen overnight? No. Is it going to be easy? No. But YOU must take control again. YOU must set boundaries and rules...It's OKAY to tell your husband to pound sand because he's gone so much - IF he wants to take an active role - then he can spend more time at home WITH HIS FAMILY so that you BOTH can PARENT TOGETHER....it's OKAY to stand up for yourself....and IT IS OKAY TO SAY NO TO YOUR SON!!!!!

Sounds to me like you don't REALLY want what you say you want. You want him to be there, but you don't want to give him any control over what happens with your child. In my opinion, your husband is somewhat right. You are rewarding your son when he throws a fit. Does that necessarily warrant a spanking? I think probably not, but a time out maybe?? It is hard but Dads handle things differently than Moms. That is why all my husband has to do is look at the kids and they quit whatever it is that they are not supposed to be doing. They know he means business! I think your husband is working long hours because he is trying to stay away from you and your son because you are not letting him have any say in how he is raised. You say that you want him to be home and parent together in a compromised fashion, but when he tells you that he wants you to stop doing something, you just don't because you think he is wrong......doesn't sound like you are compromising with him either.....

just sayin'........

Not to add to your stress, but is he really at work all those hours?
We only hear your side, but he must have a side too. I am the disciplinarian in our house and my husband the funny, happy, play-with-me daddy. I let our kids cry it out at 7 months so they could sleep through the night on their own. I will sleep in the same room with them if they are sick, and have sat in a chair reading a book when they are scared, but it is a rare occasion, so I agree with your husband in principle. I also think you have to be the adult and be strong around a toddler or else they will do whatever it takes to get their way and wear you down. For one thing he is not going to die from a swat on the bum, and for another he will likely not even remember this age (my earliest memory is from age 4).
Instead of complaining, can you have a more open ended discussion on a positive note that assumes you two can find a solution? Something like: "can we set aside some time soon to discuss how we can best address raising our son together since we both want what is best for him now and in the long run?" I am a very visual person so I tend to make pro and con lists - for instance you could get a part time job, pro is more money and social contact and self esteem, con is childcare costs. He could work less, pro is he has more time to raise your son in a way he likes, but the con is less money. Discipline, pro is that it will make your son more independent, con is that it is hard. You are unhappy, you could take a course or join a club for social reasons, con is cost and time and child care, pro is contact with others. Do you go to any play dates or moms groups? Pretty soon your son will be ready for preschool (2 yrs 9 mos here) and then he will have to follow a class routine and listen. What do others who know both of you think - grandparents, friends, neighbors? If they all side with you, maybe he is a money hungry selfish prick, but if there is some humming and hawing (hard to tell someone to their face you disagree with them) then perhaps you are not as open minded as you think (none of us are, just like we are all good drivers and the other drivers are jerks, haha). You could also surprise him with a nice meal and a happy wife when he comes home and some fun stories of your sons antics at a playground, and be there for your husband. He probably feels that he does all the "work to make money" and you just get to "hang out at home with the kid". I know it is not that simple, but I have heard other men at work talk that way. I hope you get some me-time soon, and some fun conversation with girlfriends.

I am really sorry you are in such a hard situation. Your husband is gone so much that it sounds like every time he is home there is an adjustment period, like the way moms with husbands in the military or who work out of town go through. The hard thing is with this schedule you guys never get to find a good rhythm of life together. I really feel for you bc I know just having my husband home makes life better and on days he works and goes straight out to Martial Arts, I am ready to pull my hair out sometimes, but it doesn't happen often. As far as parenting goes you probably both have a point on your respective sides. Unless one parent is just nuts, usually both have a side. I would say in dealing with his parenting style, try to give him some understanding and listen and at least act like it makes sense! He may feel a lot of guilt for not being there and be kind of trying to prove he knows what he is doing too, and he is his father so of course he wants to feel validated. You are with your son, so of course you have so much insight on what he needs and how to interact successfully with him. It sounds like you both need to work on respecting each other's differences and team up, which I know is hard when he isn't around a lot. I would say just hang in there, continue to tell him how you feel and tell him that you really need his help because you are suffering a lot in the current situation. Tell him you feel you are at the breaking point, be honest, and then see what he has to say about it. I am sure counsel could help, but I know your schedule doesn't permit that now. What about a church home? If you guys don't currently have one, going to church as a family has a really positive effect on life. Hang in there and try to connect with other mamas in your area if possible to have some adult interaction. Good luck!!

1) You need to reiterate to your husband that he isn't there enough to be a Father and he should not expect to upend the relationship you have with your son - including disciplining and sleeping schedules just because he's finally home for a few hours.

2) Being there for your son at night, if he shows he needs it - is both a great choice and frustrating. At 2 y/o they are old enough to start feeling fear from being left alone at night, hear things in the night, or see things in the dark and shadows.

3) Tell your husband he needs to curtail his spankings for all but the most bad things.

Notice I say TELL your husband... he obviously doesn't do well with a regular conversation, nor listens to you when you are trying to be courteous... so you TELL him what you expect from him. You can also insert something about - you love he takes care of his family so well financially - but he needs to step up emotionally and be more physically present.

Sounds like some rules need to be established. First of all, he has no right to tell you how to parent when he's not around to parent your son except for 1 maybe 2 days a week. I would calmly tell him that if/when he's home more, then he can demand more parenting things. I do the same thing with my kids as far as stay in their room - now it's not until they are asleep but I did that until my daughter was 2.5 years old.

He may be acting out because he's lacking a father's love and care - and then he acts out to get your husband's attention and even if it's bad attention (spanking, yelling at him), it's more than he gets during the day.

What does your husband do? Does he really HAVE to work that long of hours or is he choosing to do that? If this is a job where he has NO say so in how much he should work (and if so, he should be getting paid overtime) then there is nothing you can do about it. If he's volunteering to work these extra hours, then you two need to sit down and have a talk. Is there a reason he is volunteering to work so many hours?

I would write him a letter and tell him how you feel. That may be more heartfelt (instead of angry). Tell him you want more out of your marriage, friendship and co-parenting.

I am sorry you are in this position but you need to first step back and think about whether or not this is something he HAS control over it. The fact that he volunteered to work that many hours means that at least on Saturday he could have been home instead of at work.

Explain to him that all the money in the world will not matter when your son is older and realizes he does not know his dad because he was always gone 'making money'. Tell him you want a husband and friend, not a paycheck.

Good luck!

let him take a few days vacation and take care of your son sounds like he doesnt have a clue how to do it

I'm sorry, you're in a sucky situation. I'm not sure what to tell you about your husband working long hours. He sounds like a workaholic and like he doesn't want to be home... maybe ask him if that's the case? If there's a reason he doesn't WANT to be home and would volunteer to work when you just had a talk with him.

As for the CIO for your son, maybe you could try a gentler approach. Having him so dependant on you to fall asleep is not a good thing (believe me, I know). Try Good Night, Sleep Tight by Kim West. It's a compromised approach where you sit by your son til he falls asleep but you gradualy start moving further and further away every 3 nights until you're out of the room so that your son gets used to the idea. Men do parent differently than women which is a good thing b/c my son would be completely pampered if it wasn't for my husband. I'm the softie and my husband is the one who can get him to listen with just a look and a stern voice. My hubby has never resorted to "popping him one" though nor would he ever so that is a parenting issue you need to discuss with hubby. Some people are for spanking and some people are not. It's something that you need to work out.

There are no easy answers to your sitch. Again, I'm sorry you're going through it. I think communication is the only solution but unfortunately that is a 2 way street. Approach him when you're calm and tell him how you feel in a non-emotional, business-like manner. It sounds like your husband would respond better to that than a hysterical woman and would heed your words more.. good luck,

Your son is acting out so much because he is not getting any attention-positive and loving from your husband. You are doing everything you can for your son, and it sounds like you are a single mother at this point. I would suggest counseling. Having someone mediate between you all so that both can listen and learn about what the other one is going through. Sounds like when he is home he likes to control the situation, and how you do discipline and take care of your son. That can get very tiring. I would n't take that kind of negative criticism.

Honestly, sounds like irreconcilable differences and perhaps the two of you need some counseling over marriage and parenting issues, but will he make the time?
I understand your point in this. If he is never around, he shouldn't get the say. He is not doing the parenting. If he wants a more active role or to make decisions, he needs to be there actually parenting his son. A 2 year old should NOT be spanked by someone he rarely sees.
However, I see some of his point too. While sometimes it is easier to give in, especially when you are overwhelmed and doing everything yourself, you are not doing your child a favor but cuddling during tantrums and making it so that he cannot go to sleep without you. You probably do need to ramp up the discipline some.
I think there needs to be a common ground, a compromise but you both have to want that and work toward it, and a mediator or counselor may be a really good idea.

Hi K.,

It is really hard to have conflicting parenting styles. I feel for you and I wish I could say something to make it better. I would suggest trying to see if there is something that your hubby wants you to do that you would be willing to do (just based on yoru post, I would start seeing if you can get him to sleep on his own without laying down with him..... that might make your husband feel supported).

I would say about the volunteering for extra hours that he reacted to your conversation about what YOU needed with what HE feels HE can provide. Pretty typical boy if you ask me. You said you needed something that he feels he can't give you.... so he responded with what he feels he CAN give you - which is extra money. he's the 'provider'.

I would tell him he needs to support your parenting since he's not there to do it.

I would suggest maybe a mom's group to get you out of the house - maybe you can put your son in a mom's day out program, which would give you some extra time to yourself.

Good Luck.

I can TOTALLLLLLLLLLY relate to the "ALWAYS working" part.. My husband leaves for work at 8am and doesn't get home until 8 or 9pm m-f.. Then he works every other saturday 8am-4pm... It TOTALLY stinks... He drives an hour each way to work. we've talked about moving closer to his job so he could be home 40 minutes more per day (big deal right)....
I feel like a single mom and it gets depressing sometimes... Thankfully, I live in a really good community with moms that I'm friends with. So that makes it easier on me... That is also a big reason why I decided I didn't want to move closer to his work...
My husband does well at work so I'm not complaining about that.. He has given me the option for him to quit and find a job closer to home... He won't make the money he does though and will have to work his way up again... I have a really close relationship with him and reallyyyyyyyy miss him being at home...
I can't give you any advice on the discipline part... I'm sorry your going through this... I can totally relate to the "working too much" part :0(

K.,
You are doing absolutely right by not letting your baby cry. You can find research on that topic at Attachment Parenting International website. You can leave that paperwork around, but I suspect it won't do a thing. My own husband didn't believe that cosleeping is healthier for your baby and didn't have anything positive to say about it until -- a coworker who coslept with his own baby talked about it. I left the research about and it didn't mean a thing until someone else talked about it to him.

You are doing a wonderful thing not leaving your child to cry and it makes me sad that your child has to go through this difference of opinion with you.

some would say that you need to make a permanent decision: I think you just need to STICK TOYOUR GUNS and make it work.

Your child is going to be clingy. I would suggest reading La Leche League's site, as well as Dr. Jack Newman (they're breastfeeding but also other stuff).

Your husband works. There's not much I can say that wouldn't be construed as judgmental. You asked him to stop working so much, and he is working more. Warning flag in my book. it doesn't sound like you have much contact with grandparents at all.

Know that you are not being SOFT onyour 2 year old, you are being APPROPRIATE.

Discipline and punishment are often confused by many adults who didn't experience positive in either category.

Simply redirect and offer two positive choices ( you can put your coat on or you can put your jacket on).

I've got a lot to say about this and not much time - and this forum really doesn't allow me to get 'mail' anymore. I'm not sure why.

All I can say is Stick to it, don't let your husband fail your child, and be diplomatic.

I can say depression is a choice - be joyful in your child if you cannot find a reason to be joyful in your husband. Make the choice to be glad in your child if you cannot be in your husband. Fake it till you make it someone else might say, and when you do make it you will be glad you did.

Play with your child as much as you can. you are your child's first teacher (Rahima Baldwin Dancy) is a great book to find at the library if you cannot purchase.

Yoga is very easy and you can work on that withyour baby also.

You can want your husband to be home more, but until you change a tactic or two, you're not going to get that.

So much more to say, would love to email you but you'd have to leave your email in your private post to me. I went through all this and can tell you what I did (a lot more extensively than all this).

Good luck,
M.

ok. you guys Really need to get on the same page about parenting! You can't parent 2 different ways your son will be so confused! I think if you can come together on this your husband might be inclined to come home more. think about how it must feel to come home to a house where it might feel like you and you son are against your husband? it sounds to me like both you and your husband are demanding things and not being flexible. this will not work! you both need to compromise.
That said, it sounds to me like you are babying your son a little.. I know he's your first born and your baby but you are the parent.
I am inclined to agree with your husband regarding how you put your son to bed. He is used to you lying there and can't all asleep without you. And at SOME point he is going to have to get unused to you.. it's not going to just magically happen. think of it this way, you have a pillow right. You always fall asleep with your pillow. What is someone just came to your house & took your pillow away and said now fall asleep with out one. Not easy! You are like your son's pillow. He now needs you to fall asleep- that said crying it out shuld Never lead to a child crying so hard CPS is called. you are supposed to go in and comfort child periodically and just do that less and less- ...
But YOU are NOT a bad Parent and you are not a single parent! Find a way to come together with your husband. find some way to be together just you and him - get a baby sitter... ITS really really important to realize a marraige is a living relationship that must be nurtured too. good luck!

Well... I think I am going to start with the disciplining part and Hubby not being home. Maybe it bugs him so much how you "baby" your baby that he chooses to stay away and work? Not saying that it is that, but it sort of sounds that way to me. But, it could also be that he feels as "Husband/Father" that he must provide for his family.. so he has to work to provide. I really don't know if it is either of them. But, maybe if you comprimise with him and see how he feels and try his "methods" to a certain degree that maybe he may want to be around more. If you are just sitting there telling him his way is "just wrong" with out trying it then he just say "screw it" b/c if he is home and tries his way you are just going to pout about it and be mad. And who wants to be around that.

I understand the feeling about being alone. My hubby has worked 5 days if not more a week out of town for 6 years now. I have been home alone with all 3 kids since my first was born. It is definitely a different lifestyle, but I choose to make the best of it. I refuse to sit at home and "wait for him" when I know I am fully capable of doing things on my own and with my kids.

Try comprimising with him and maybe that will help.

I wish you luck, and please don't think I was bashing.. just going off of what you posted.

Good luck!

Wow, that was a passive-aggressive response from your husband.

I don't have good ideas, only to support you by telling you that in the early years, I pretty much raised my kids alone, because my husband had a very demanding job and little energy when he came home. When he was home, he was overworked and too tired to do much. Since I was a SAHM, it was hard to do it by myself, but I was able to do it. So it's possible to do it mostly by yourself.

As far as having different parenting styles goes -- I am on board with your parenting style, not your husband's. I think you just need to calmly but firmly tell him that since you are doing this mostly on your own, you are going to do it your way.

It can be extremely difficult on a relationship when the kids are really little, so I don't have any good answers for you. Counseling is the obvious one. It sounds like your husband has a passive-aggressive war going with you. Is he getting the amount of sex he wants? (Sorry if that sounds crude, but lack of sex can often cause men to act out.)

Hang in there, it's hard, but stick to your guns with your son -- you are correct.

Tracy K. has some good points, though.

1st who in the world called CPS. My kids have cried plenty and have had screaming tantrums and no one has called CPS on us. That raises a red flag for me, please forgive me if I am wrong.

Now to your question, I totally agree that he works too much and I would be extremely hurt and pissed if I told him about it and then volunteered to work extra. Not sure how you can work it out with him, is he avoiding home because there are marital problems? I am on the side of your husband regarding the sleep stuff, but that is my parenting style. I wouldn't neccessarily always let him cry it out, but I would scale back and teach him to go to bed on his own. On the other hand, if my husband was gone that much, I'm not sure I would take too much of his opinion into consideration only becuase I was maily doing the raising. But I guess I would try to comprise a little on it, for the sake of the relationship and showing him that you do respect him. Well, good luck - it's sounds like a tough situation.

I do not want to offend you, I am just another Mum married to a J***, but are you sure you want him home more? I know things are so much better for us when my H is traveling. It is hard to be a single parent while married... but it seems that his absence is a blessing in disguise.
On a discipline disagreement - do not let him tell you what to do. I always try to do what I think is best for my kids. My boys are my best friends and I will protect them no matter what.

You are both stressed and unhappy and it is reflecting in your son's behavior. I don't believe in spanking or crying it out. At this late date, it is too late to do CIO anyway. I think you two need to get to a therapist. You need a third party to mediate. Your husband is in no position to calmly and effectively discipline a child at the end of a long day so he's resorting to spanking, and he's taking it out on you by telling you're a bad parent. Unbelievable! I had a coworker who had 3 kids under 4 yrs old and the guy worked long hours deliberately because he didn't want to 'go home to 3 screaming kids'. I used to hear him make all kinds of excuses why he had to stay late all the time. It may be your husband simply don't want to deal with young kids like my coworker. You need to figure out what's going on so you can effectively take care of yourself and your son.
Good luck.

if money is not an issue, maybe your husband is a workaholic. altho nowadays, that is the name of the game - to work long hours to get to where he wants to be. In the meantime, has it ever occured to your husband that by spending less time w/his family, he is also jeopardizing his relationship with you? you will begin to resent him and this will put a big toll on your marriage.
i believe you shld focus on your son right now. I suggest you watch the super nanny show to get tips how to discipline and what is considered soft or too harsh. Spanking a 2yr old child is wrong - he doesn't fully understand. I started time out w/ my daughter at age 3 1/2.
so good luck and think positive. don't be frustrated.

I'm so sorry I can relate except I'm always getting frustrated trying toarrange child care so I can go to work partime and it always falls on me cause my husbands job comes first. You need to definately join a support group mothers group it's absolutely essential to your health and if you have relatives near by get them involved as well. You need to take your son to library activities playground etc so u get out of the house and meet other people u need support that is around other than your husband. Make plans on the weekend as well. You will be happy that way and you won't have to be dependant on yourhusbabd for support. The bottom line you have to make the best of the situation if he wants to make more money then tell him u may need to spend it to have the support u need possibly putting your child in a preschool for a few morning so u can get a break. Also listen to your husband about discipline he may have an outside view of the situation and see it more clearly.

First, you are not a bad mother! What you are going through sounds very familiar to me. Before marriage, couples often talk about having children but the philosophical differences of how to raise children in the nitty gritty day to day world, don't come out until the first child is 2 to 3 years old and you guys are from 2 different camps. It doesn't make you a bad parent - or him a bad parent (although we don't like he spanking stuff). This is basically what caused my divorce - this and everything that grew out of it - so if I were you, I would start with this issue. Because whether you guys stay together or not, you are going to be coparenting this little fellow and you need to give him some consistency. Tell your husband you want to work on a mutual parenting style and you want to work with a counselor or take some parenting classes together to do that. Put aside the other issues for a time. (If you take some parenting classes together, I guarantee they won't recommend a pop on the butt.) If you two get on the same page with your son, some of the other issues may diminish. If not, it will still be a good step forward in coparenting and a healthy foundation for your son.

I can kind of relate to the husband working long hours and such. My husband leaves to go to work around 6am and the past few weeks he hasn't gotten home until 9ish, and I think he said that he is working Saturday and Sunday (self employed construction worker). I have 3 kids and it is a lot of work, at times I do feel like a mom and a dad at the same time. For us it is give and take, this time of the year he is SUPER busy and I understand it, he has maybe 1 - 2 weeks a year where he has no work and its like his vacation.

I used to do the stay in my son's room until he falled asleep at night and that was a BIG MISTAKE, it was such a big mistake that I didn't do it with my twins. He got too dependant on me to be in the room with him when he fell asleep, when he woke up in the morning. I was afraid to let him cry it out because at the time we were living in an apartment and I was afraid of cops or such getting called on us.

I would get some counseling. It sounds like he is not in the marrage. Its bad enough that he is not home, but when he is he is putting you down. What is the point of being together if you can't support each other. I am sorry but it sounds like he is not ready for marrage or kids. My husband works hard and long hours. He at least tries three times a week to help with the kids pick them up from school or cooks dinner so when we get home we have more time toghter. I wish things will get better for you.

Your husband is being a selfish jerk right now and I am sure sorry this is happening to you. I suggest some changes in his schedule or else. This could lead to serious issues. As far as your son is concerned it is the lack of his father's attention. Too many hours working is making your husband very cross and he is short changing his son. Do what you can to raise your son. Since you are the one around him the most, I do suggest that you are consistant with do's and don't when disciplining your son and what boundaries you need to set.

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