47 answers

Deep Depression

Hello ladies. I have a serious problem that has taken me over seven years to admit to. I am seriously depressed and don't know how to get out of it. I don't believe in meds of any sort from doctors, and I'm too ashamed to go to a therapist. I don't have any friends to talk to and I am starting to feel at my whits end. One minute I'm on this high of all highs and right around my period, I get to my low of all lows. I don't know if it's PMS or something deeper that I need to deal with. Although, I'm depressed at anytime during the month, it seems especially intense around my period. What can you suggest. Please, I don't think I have anymore tears left, or anymore strength to deal with this. I have become very good at hiding it from my family, but how long can that last. I still get up and go to work and seem fine, I still play with the kids, still handle the husband (although, I know he knows something is wrong) and I still socialize with others. But the whole time in the back of my mind, I'm hating being there, I don't want to be doing whatever it is I'm doing at the time and I always have the feeling of wanting to stay in bed or just lye around. Does anyone have any suggestions. The husband and I haven't been on a date since we've gotten married two yeas ago and only was going on one once a year before that (we've been together for almost 11 years). I NEVER EVER get any time to myself. Not even when I go to the bathroom, (have two small poms that follow me everywhere). Does anyone know what I can do to get back to me!!!

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What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

To all the ladies that responded, "Thank you" you just don't know how your words got me through this. Even though some of you were seriously straight forward and to the point, that's exactly what I needed. I went to my doctor's, told him what happened and he referred me to a therapist. I have had two sessions with her and actually had the confidence to apply for a new job that pays double the salary (literally) that I was getting before. I don't know how to tell you how much this website has helped me in my quest to be a better mom and ultimately, a better woman. I have put my older son in charge of babysitting and me and the husband have went out and had a blast. We have actually been getting along much better. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. I will always be indebted to you.

Featured Answers

T.,

Are you by any chance on Birth control? I was on a form of Birth control and generally speaking I'm a pretty happy person but this medicine messed with me pretty bad and put me in some deep depression. It wasn't until I changed birth control medications that it helped.

If you ever need anyone to talk to I'm happy to listen. I know what it is like to not have any friends. My husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years now and we've moved 4 times. Every time I start to make friends we move. We just recently moved about a month ago and I know NO ONE. My husband goes to work every day and knows people from the office but I'm left home all day with my son so its' hard to make friends. Let me know if you need anything or just need to vent more I'm happy to help you in any way that I can.
-A. M.

Well sweetie I know where you are coming from. I too am depressed I am on meds and I do get help. I know you dont like taking meds or what not but hun there are somethings you HAVE to take meds for I am sorry to say that I know that isnt what you want to hear. Trust me they will help. If you want to talk to me please feel free to email me.

More Answers

:( I'm so sorry you're feeling this way!
I was feeling pretty down there for a while--more angry and tired than depressed, but depression can manifest that way too. Anyways, I don't like meds or drs/therapists either, so I went to a naturopath who checked out my chemical make up and found my adrenals weren't working optimally which was causing me to be tired...I got on an adrenal formula from Pure Encapsulations and also started taking Nordic Natural Omega3-6-9 fish oils...wow...what a difference. I can function and be a good mommy again! :) I hope you find some relief!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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T.,

OK, I realize that you need to vent and I want you to know that it's a good thing that you've finally reached out for help. From the description of your symptoms, you could have something fairly simple to treat, like PMS or PMDD, but if you're experiencing extremes in moods (the "highs" and lows you mentioned), then you could have a condition that is far more sinister. It's called bipolar disorder, and it is far more common than you think.

Whatever it is, and only a doctor can properly diagnose you, you need to seek help and ACCEPT it in whatever form it comes. If your situation requires medication, refusing to take it and wishing for another solution won't make it go away. If therapy can help you, hiding behind your "shame" excuse won't make it go away.

I know I've been harsh on you, but you seem to need a wake-up call. My mother suffers from both PMDD and an anxiety disorder and refuses to treat her conditions for the same reasons you claim, always "wishing" for another way to "cure" the problem.

Help is out there. Do it for yourself and your family.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi T.. I'm Tasha and I am a 24 year old first time mommy to a beautiful 7 1/2 month boy named Brenan. I am sorry to hear about your troubles, but I also have depression and for the past 3 1/2 years have gone to see a therapist. She really helps me to understand why I feel the way that I do and gives me wonderful ideas as to how I can release my frustrations. I went to my doctors today and now have been put on antideppresants as well. I know you don't believe in doing either, but a therapist has really helped me to turn my life around. I know it will be hard to go see one, but I would highly recommend seeing one. As far as everthing else goes, it saddens me that you don't have any friends b/c I know that whenever I am in a rut, my friends are the ones who help me through it. I try and allow myself some "me" time whenever I feel it is time for it, and my fiance is very understanding. I also get together with my girlfriends from time to time, so I can still feel as if my life doesn't just revolve around my family. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love my fiance and my son, but it is nice to be able to do for me sometimes. I'm not sure if I helped you in any way, but if you ever need to talk, I will be here for you. I know how hard things can get, but believe me, there is a way to feel better about yourself/life, and one of those is by having a friend to talk to. Take care and I hope that things get better for you. -Tasha-

1 mom found this helpful

I am not a doctor and I am not one to take medication myself, however, it sounds like a great idea to have a doctor's consultation on this one. You having nothing to be ashamed of. What is happening in your body is causing the fluctuations in your moods. Having kids can change our chemistry so much that sometimes our bodies have trouble re-adjusting. A doctor can take a blood test to determine where certain chemical/hormone levels are and how it effects your moods. The fact that your depression occurs around a period, strongly points to a hormononal fluctuation that may be easily and quickly adjusted. Tell your doctor about your hesitancy about taking medicine, and perhaps there are some natural herb alternatives that will level out your hormones for you or perhaps the doctor can refer you on to a homeopathic doctor that can help you naturally. Homeopathic doctors do not have access to the blood testing needed to accurately determine what is happening so please go see a medical doctor first. Doctors with DO after their name are great because they have a mix of training as a medical doctor and as a doctor of homeopathy.

By the way, prayer never hurts either because divine help is always available. Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

I think you know what is making you unhappy. You touched on it in your post...you need time to yourself and you need time with just your husband. As hard as it can be sometimes, you need to open up to your husband. If you think he already knows something is bothering you he will probably be open to sitting down and listening to you.

You mentioned that you have not been out on a date with your husband in 2 years. Suggest that you want a 'date night' with him once a month. Higher a babysitter or get help from a family member for this. Pick one day each month that works (or start off with once every other month) and plan to go out with your husband. Go to a nice dinner somewhere, maybe see a movie or go to a comedy show. It is important to get this alone time with him away from the house. Use the time to catch up on things with him--don't spend the entire time talking about the bills or house or kids either!

You also mentioned that you never have alone time because the kids follow you everywhere. I feel like I have that same problem too. I think it is a very common problem many of us have. Schedule some time each week where you go do something by yourself. Better yet, join a gym that has free daycare and take an hour or two 3-5 days a week. Working out will do wonders for how you are feeling. Plus you will not have to step over the kids to do it! If a gym isn't an option, think of something that you enjoy to do and see if there is a group/club that you can join that revolves around that activity. You will get time away from the kids and make new friends.

It all boils down to time: time for just you and time for just you and your husband together. It is OK to take this time!!!! A lot of moms feel guilty doing it, but it is something that we need to do for ourselves. It is important for us to put ourselves first sometimes. Personally, I know I would go crazy if I didn't find time alone every once in awhile away from my kids. I love them dearly and love spending time with them, but I need my time too. I get it by going to the gym.

Try these suggestions (and what everyone else has suggested) and see if it helps. If not, then you may need to find someone to talk to. There is nothing wrong with this. Many people do it and need to do it. He/she will give you suggestions and bring out everything that is really bothering you. You mentioned that you don't want to be here...depending on what you mean by that you may need to see someone immediately before trying to solve this yourself.

I hope you take the time this week to talk to your husband. He loves you and wants you to be happy. And your kids deserve to have a happy mom. I hope you start feeling better soon!

1 mom found this helpful

Dear T.,
When I read your request it was like I wrote it. For years my doctor would tell me to see someone because of the depression, but I kept saying it was hormones or PMS. Then when I had my first child I hit rock bottom. I remember the night I called my mom and said you either come and get her or I don't know what's going to happen. That was the turning point for me because I would never want to hurt my child and I wanted to be there for her because to be honest, I didn't even like her at that point. I talked to my doctor and my OBGYN. They both stated that I needed to realize that I wasn't alone. Apparently, I had a really low seratonin level which is what keeps people on an even keel. I mean I would fly off the handle for the dumbest stuff. And when I say fly off the handle, I punched holes in walls. And the whole time I was too scared to ask for help. Now I know you said you are against pills of any kind, but my OBGYN put me on Zoloft, the lowest dose and I am a completely changed person. I enjoy life and being with my daughter. It's all about the seratonin levels and unfortunately, you can't boost them with just therapy. Although, I have also gone to therapy for some issues I didn't want to face. Talking things through helped and I am done with therapy, but I am still taking the Zoloft. I'm not saying it's a miracle cure. I still have bad days, but they are usually the week before my period when my hormones are out of control. My marriage is so much better for it too. Now I will tell you that it can lower your sex drive, but my husband was with me at the doctors office when that was explained. Now our time together isn't rushed and it's caring. Plus, even the time we spend just talking or going shopping is different. We laugh and joke and we haven't done that in a long time. I feel like I have control of my life back and I really like my life. Please talk to your doctor and do what he recommends. I'm always here if you need soemone to talk to. I know what you're going through. Please just be open to whatever is suggested by your doctor, including medication if necessary. I wish you the best. N. H.

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I'm not sure why you don't consider therapy. The stigmatization surrounding therapy in the days of old is pretty much gone, and there are several professionals out there who could really assist you. There's nothing wrong with seeing a counselor or a therapist because they are an impartial party who would see things through a different 'lens' than what you have and help you develop techniques to work through your stressors.

Believe it or not, depression can be considered an illness. Certain chemicals in the brain don't make it to the appropriate receptors, thus resulting in an imbalance of mood or feeling. I'm not saying that you need to necessarily go on drugs to address your issues, but they have helped many.

You have five children. If your children were hurting or suffering, would you want them to bottle it up inside for years and years? My guess would be no - you'd want them to come to you so you can help them sort through whatever it was that was bothering them. You wouldn't be disappointed that your children turned to mom, the expert they thought would make them feel better. In other words, there's no shame in you finding assistance either.

You can always discuss this with your family doctor or a therapist, but if you're not comfortable with that you could reach out to members of your church or other family members. Hiding and denying the problem will only prolong the hurt and despair you feel, but talking with someone could definitely take some of the 'weight' off your shoulders.

I highly recommend finding a counselor/therapist and wish you the best of luck. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your family because they need you to be healthy.

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T.:

Gosh, I sure do hope you feel better soon!

I think you nailed it yourself whan you said that you don't have any down time for youeself...even to go pee! Some of that will pass as the kiddies get older, but I know it's a long wait! You need relief now! If you could get a sitter for a couple of hours a day so that you could get away, exercise or even get a little nap, it might help. I understand that sitters cost money, but it soulds better than your situation now....Therapy and pills cost money too...If you don't spend there...Why not try a sitter for 2 hrs a day, like 2 times a week? Exercise is another good one. It releases natrual endorphins, (a chemical within your bod that makes you feel "up".) No meds needed! Try working out for one hour. That might even encourage the kids to start a good habit too! If you can't do an hour go for 30 mins or 45...Just give exercise a try for 2 weeks and see how it goes. Do an exercise you like. I do aerobics / Jazzercise for my work out. My cousin likes Yoga. My Hubby does the treadmill. I work out at home...Cheaper than a class / club.
When kids start school...even pre school it's easier to meet people. My day care even set up a 'parents club"! We took turns watching kids and we mom's did crafts, hung out and had an Xmas party, planned a picnic, etc. It was fun b/c we were with our kids, it was cheap, and we got to talk w other parents / people our own age. P.

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