Decorating

Keep in mind that back 60 years ago.....multiple children in a family DID NOT get their own room. and if she has slept over that little, you have a couch, right? However, I would suggest that before you continue with this, sit down with the teenager, explain the situation. In other words, TREAT HER like an adult. Give her a chance to speak too.

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if it were me the downstairs room would be the play room with all the toys that werent special and you didnt want daycare kids to play with. the cribs and toys wold all go in there. then your kids would share a room either get a twin with a trundle or a bunkbed or loft bed if you dont want her too high up. put their special toys in that room that are only for them. the second bedroom upstairs would be for the step kids. at this point they barely come over now alone why would they come together. put a twin in there and be done with it. once your girls are old enough to want separate rooms the other two will be too old to need to stay the night with you unless they move in full time. if you think it might and really want something get an airbed for the boy to set up downstairs or a couch that goes out to a bed. we have memory foam on ours and for one night of sleep it feels fine. i just hate that you are waisting all this space and devoting it to two kids that dont even us it. its like having a sewing room when you dont even sew.

I can see your daughter's point. While it may seem trivial, it may be as simple as, she doesn't feel that she has a place at your house or in your family, since the room that she felt was hers was being used by Dad's new family as storage.

Is there a way to create a dedicated guest room that she could have some say in? It could be the downstairs room with the two twins pushed together. Then if she and her brother did spend the night on the same night, the beds could be moved apart.

M.

My mom and dad separated when I was 18. my dad remained in our family home and my mom moved into a tiny apartment, both I guess assumed that I was 18 and old enough to be on my own and were so consumed with their own issues that neither made it a point to keep a room for me (dad trashed our house and rented my childhood bedroom out and mom had such a small apt that she had the spare bedroom stuffed with things). There is nothing worse than feeling like your parents don't have room for you. She may be a pain in the rear now but she will grow out of that, don't make her feel like her dad's new family is more important than her. It sounds like space is tight, what about bunk beds in the downstairs bedroom? good luck to you

I'm so sorry... I kinda go through this too everytime we move. I have two step-kids, 15y/o boy and 12y/o girl. And then my husband and I have two, 4y/o boy and 3y/o girl. In an ideal world we would be able to afford a home that has enough bedrooms for all of them. But that's not happening! We've always had houses that the girls could share a room, the 4y/o has his own. The 15y/o made it quite clear to us a couple years ago that he'd rather not share a room with his younger brother, so we jsut keep a twin tucked under another bed and when he's here we just throw that down whereever he wants (usually the basement playroom).
The first few houses we had I let my step daughter decorate, because her younger siblings were just too young to care and she slept and played in it more then them. But now 1)she's rarely able to visit. 2)my younger daughter is old enough that she's quite opinionated about the color of her room. This time around I let 3y/o pick the color, she wanted pink, but I know DSD HATES pink so we compromised with purple!!
I'm sorry this really isn't answering your question. I just know what you're going through. Trying to figure out the right balance of being able to use all of your home all the time, but still having a space for the step-kids. Unless you're in this position people really don't understand!!

Bring you husband into this decision. It's his kid and if you and your step daughter have an iffy relationship already, you may not be in the best position to make this decision by yourself. If your step daughter does not live with you nor does she stay with you regularly, then she does not need a bedroom dedicated to just her. I grew up with my parents divorced and remarried and I rarely slept at my dads house, didn't have my own room there, and never expected to either.

You will need to have a 'guest room' in this situation, but should it be dedicated as hers - no. Make it neutral and nice and give her and her brother a dresser for anything they may leave at your house but it should be established that it is for overnight guests of your house.

Good luck

I suggest involving the 18 year old in the decision making. That way there can't be any arguments, sadness, insults when the project is over. You may be surprised to learn that she could care less if she had her own decorated space. Also, maybe she'll want to help paint and pick things out for her little step-siblings. A good bonding opportunity for you two. Either way, you need to make her feel "at home" when she is over--rather than just a guest in her dad's house.

I would certainly always keep a separate room for my step-children. No question. No matter the relationship between ANY of the adults and children involved...whether it be pleasant, nasty, whatever. Make sure they have their own space to feel respected and loved and thought of. Think of it this way, they won't be in the house a whole lot longer because of their age and then you can do what you wish for your little ones. I hope this helps.

From my perspective, and I don't have step-children, but have and had friends that are. Giving the daughter no space clearly says to her she isn't wanted. (Not that it's what you mean, just how a teenage would interpret it.) There's not even a guest room that she can say is just hers when she's there if the room is a playroom. And if the room was set aside for her, it's like you're kicking her out, even though she doesn't live with you and doesn't visit much. That being said, I had friends whose parents kicked them out at 18, and that was just what they did. There wasn't any love lost, and no ill intentions, it was helping them grow up, and it's what worked for them. (But they also knew it was coming for several years before it was done.) I also think something to take into consideration is your relationship, or what you want your relationship to be with your step-daughter. If you want to be the "step-mom" forever, then I doubt it matters. But if you want to be another "mother," then you need to make sure she always feels welcome in your home, and her not having a room for herself could send the wrong message.

You can give your stepkids a guest room if they are rarely over, but allow them to have their place for their things. My stepson got his own room when he went to college in part because this was his primary residence before he moved out.

What does your husband have to say? Was this his house previously? I ask because it matters more if the room was ever hers vs "set aside" with the intention that she could stay there.

Something we are transitioning to with my SS is that he's an adult and once he graduates college, this will always be his home, but he'll be our guest and his room will probably be returned to being a true guest room (right now it's decorated as his, but Nana can sleep there when he's not home). Your SD will have to realize that things change as you get older.

you are a nice SM! i love that you're not sounding mad at your rather sulky SD, but trying to accomodate her. that being said, separate rooms all round just isn't something that kids can expect and demand, especially when they're not there much. i really like the idea of sitting down and discussing it with her, and letting her help you figure out how to do it, and perhaps even with decorating for her little sisters. it's only very recently that it became the norm for most kids to have their own room. maybe if she can help with the decision-making process she'll be a bit less snarky.
good luck!
khairete
S.

Your SD is 18, so it sounds like she may need a lesson in acting her age. If she has her own room at home I wouldn't worry about her having one at yours. Is she in college, or planning on going? If so then the room would get used even less than it already is. I'd say if she wants to stay with you then her option should be to share with someone. She doesn't require a dedicated space for one night here or there. It doesn't mean that she's loved any less, and you should definitely let her know that. However, you have two children that live with you full time and in my opinion they should have their own spaces. I'd say a sit down, heart to heart talk is in order here. If she makes a scene, remind her that she is an "adult" now and should start acting like one! Don't coddle her - it will only keep her from maturing.