Deciding to Have Another Baby or Not

I feel the same way. My husband and I are somewhat late starters too. I do believe sibling relationships are invaluable and look forward to a second one.My daughter loves playing with little people her size. My husband is an only child and his parents play tug of war with him. Best of luck to you.

E., This is a very personal decision. I was 39 when I had my (only) son. I skipped ALL testing, amnio, etc and have a perfectly healthy little boy. I breezed through my pregnancy. No complications.
That said, I know, deep down, that O. is enough for me. And O. is enough for my husband. That's me. I'm sure all moms struggle with all of the concerns that you've expressed. But only YOU can make this decision for yourself and your family. God bless!

I had my first at 37 and my second at 39. I think you are still young. I like having my kids close in age , but yes, it is stressful, there is strain on your marriage, and it does cost more. BUT it is not necessarily double. You've learn a lot of lessons so the second time around is a bit easier. and I think if your daughter is almost or finished with the terrible twos by the time you have the second that will be a BIG help! Personally, I liked having my kids closer in age as they are buddies (well, most of the time) play with almost the same toys now, and we can do family activities that please both of them. I loved my career but decided to stay at home after my second was born as I travelled quite a bit for work. I'm trying to do some grad school now at night and plan to return to the work force in a year or two-- I think I'd rather have this break in my career now instead of five years from now and I wish I had it five years ago when I was your age. I think in this area, everyone always thinks they don't have enough money. The one thing I made certain before i left my job and had the second was to make sure I paid off my credit card debt. I think being financially sound is probably the most important decision to make before deciding to try again. I think renting isn't so bad as you rent smart and maybe automatically put aside money each month for that down payment on a house. Going from being a decently paid professional to a stay at home mom with two kids made us change our lifestyle quite a bit. but think of all the people who do live in this area with multiple kids and manage just fine. You have to try to get into that mindset now-- so we didn't buy a brand new with all the bells and whistles minivan, I don't spend thousands of dollars of money clothes, and I shop craigslist and consignment sales for just about everything. Although we own, its a townhouse and doesnt' really have a yard, and my one regret is I wished we bought maybe a not so nice single family starter home with a yard instead of a townhouse.

Keep in mind too that you can try to get pregnant now and that you may not conceive right away-- so a second child may not arrive for a few years no matter when you make your decision. Also, if you haven't yet, try to befriend people in your neighborhood with kids too by joining a moms group--it helps a lot!

Hi. I'm only a year younger, but have the same exact questions and struggles as you - I feel like we need to decide soon. We've always planned on one and we really wanted a girl, and now we have one that's coming up on 2. We get a lot of pressure about how horrible it would be if our daughter were an only child, so I did some research, and guess what? That notion is very outdated and recent research shows that not to be the case. They found absolutely no difference between only children and those with siblings - it has more to do with the parenting. It's amazing that those old stereotypes are still so prevalent. Maybe you can give yourself a little more time to think about what you really want and to discuss with your husband. Picture your lives 3, 5, 10 years from now and see what your gut feeling is. Pretend that your pregnant right now and see what your initial reaction is.

Good luck - I know how hard this is.
J.

When I was growing up, my sister and I never got along. Some siblings are very close, but for us it was bicker bicker bicker with quite a few knock down drag out hair pulls along the way. We live in different states now and that's the way we like it. My husband loved being an only child. We had our son (after 4 years of trying) when I was 36. We get to spoil him and I never had to split my attention between multiple kids or feel bad that there was not enough of me to go around. At an early age he expressed how glad he was that he didn't have to share his Mommy with any other baby (and he hardly liked having to share me with Daddy). Right now he's a well adjusted gifted student who gets along with everyone at school and taekwondo, gets straight A's and reads at a Freshman collage level in the 5th grade. For us - we are very happy with our single child family.

Hi E.! You've received a lot of great advice (that helped me too!) I am 37, my husband is 38 and we've been considering a third baby. We have 2 beautiful girls, ages 6 and 8. So I guess my advice is this - watching my girls together is so great - I think you would love it too. They definitely have their moments of hair pulling, but they are absolutely best friends. They're playing so nicely as I type this! Whenever we go anywhere they have each other. We're going to FL in March and they will just play, play, play - at the pool, the beach, at restaurants. It was hard when they were 2 and a newborn, but I have to say, life has gotten almost too easy lately. They don't "need" me for any entertainment b/c they've got each other. They have their own rooms, but my 8 year old has 2 twin beds in her room so for the past 3 years they've slept in the same room. Many nights I need to go in and tell them to quiet down and go to sleep, but at the same time it is sweet to hear them telling each other stories, and giggling.

I've always heard that at our age you still have an excellent chance of having a healthy baby. I keep focusing on that because of course I'm worried about that too.

Not trying to push you into having a baby!! Just wanted to tell you about my own experience. Good luck with your decision, whatever it may.

K.

It was so good to see your post and read the responses you got. Thanks for asking this! I had my first child at 39. He was very healthy. He is almost two and I am really struggling with the decision about whether to have a second child. I will be 41 next month and I have a lot of the same questions you listed. It really is hard. I have days when I am exhausted and think one is more than enough for me, but on other days, being a mother is the greates joy of my life and I think it's time to have a second one. I am also worries about the health risks for me and the baby. I wish God would come to me in a dream and tell me what to do...best wishes.

I just turned 40 in December. I have a 9 yo son, a 4 yo daughter and a 6 month old daughter. The 6 month old was our bonus baby. I was pregnant at 39. I use to call it my bad Lifetime movie...39 and Pregnant. She was completely unplanned and unexpected. Supposedly I am infertile. I took fertility drugs for the first 2. And my husband is almost 45. It was a little freaky at first that he will be at retirement age when she is graduating high school. But I cannot imagine our family without her. She is such a joy.
I did do the testing. I came back fine on the Triple Screen but high on the Quad screen. I opted not to do an amnio. Too high of a risk of miscarriage for me. She is a happy healthy baby.
We are renting too but are purchasing our dream house within the next 12-18 months. I call it the one we will die in because I have no intentions of moving again and my kids will live in the same house until they move out.
There were times we were tight on money but we always worked it out.
Good luck on your decision..whatever one you make.

~C.

I was in the same boat as you. I was happy with my one son, had worked very hard for my career and was concerned about money, life, etc. I had my first son when I was 34 and my husband and I thought we would only have one. I was away for a few days and when I came home, my husband (who was VERY consistent in his desire for only 1 child) said to me; "we NEED to have another baby, because (our son) needs a sibling experience." Weirdly enough, I was already, by accident, pregnant. I was 37.

I now have a healthy almost 3 year old and a seven year old. It was a healthy pregnancy, but a little harder than the first. I think the older you get (and it's not like you are old) it is harder physically to carry the weight and stress on your body, but definitely not terrible. Juggling 2 is definitely harder, but I was glad to have another chance. My second one is VASTLY different than the first, so it's almost like figuring out parenting again.

As far as money is concerned, the only thing that is a bummer is having to pay for daycare (we nanny share with another person at our house) when we were almost done with that. But, it's only 4 years, and the person you produce will be around for much longer than that.

It's funny, now I wish I had started earlier, because I'd love to have another, but I am 40 now and facing the same questions you are, but the health issue is more intense. I would not worry about having a baby at 36 or 37 or even 38, as long as you have proper prenatal care.

To be terribly honest, the thing that is the hardest, for me, is managing time. I work full time and have one child in school and one that is home. All of my energy goes to kids, homework, keeping them organized, keeping the house semi-straight and keeping healthy food in the house. Luckily, my relationship with my husband is very much a partnership, because we have had little time for "us".

That's all I got! Good luck with your decision.

E.,
I'm 39 and currently 5.5 wks pregnant with our second child. Our daughter will be 3 in a few weeks. We too, struggled with the same decision. Ultimately we decided that we did want another child, and that later in life we would have regretted if we didn't try for another. Some days I wonder if we made the right decision, but I have faith that we did. I know my daughter will like having a sibling (most days) and that we will be happy as a family of 4.

I think your worries about money, etc., are normal. We have them too. But, ultimately, our feeling that we would regret it later if we didn't try for #2, beat all those other fears out.

As far as a healthy baby, there are testing options available. However, if you feel like you couldn't make a decision based on those results, I would say that even younger women can have those same results. You could consult a genetic counselor and see what your odds are as that may ease your mind.

Another factor in my decision was that my daughter is almost 3, and I could be returning to work soon. However, if we have another child I'll be home at least part-time for a while longer. In the end, our decision was based on not wanting to be 45 and wishing we had a 2nd child.

Just think on it for a while, you'll eventually know the right answer for you. And remember, families come in all sizes -- some are large and some are small. There is no right answer, just whatever is best for you.

Good luck.

You sound so much like me! But I always knew I wanted two kids, so my decision was easy. But all of your concerns are exactly the same ones I had. I'm not going to lie to you - it is very difficult to juggle two of them. But my husband works a lot, even on the weeekends, so a lot of times I feel like an only parent. As long as your husband is a hands-on kind of dad, it will be more manageable.

The hardest part is obviously paying for double-daycare. It is outrageously expensive and only makes sense if you make enough money from your job to justify it. Otherwise, you would want to stay at home or work part-time for awhile, if you can afford to. We have also been struggling for years working our tails off to afford a house for our family and we're not quite there yet. The double daycare is not helping. But on the other hand, we're taking all the financial pain now to get it out of the way.

I don't think you should be too concerned about the risks of having a disabled baby. Those are just statistics. You have a risk at any age. You are still relatively young. I had my babies at 35 and 38 and both were fine. I think the risk takes off around age 40, so you've got a few more years.

I wanted my children close enough together so that they could play together and I could get the "baby years" over with. But it has been an intense few years. I don't believe that being an only child would be "harmful" to your daughter - plenty of people are only children (including almost everyone in China). Plus the very things that you think might be harmful about being an only child can be the things that can make it difficult for your daughter to have a sibling. For instance, I did not want my oldest to think he was the center of the universe and wanted him to have to learn to share, etc. But it is very hard for him to share his parents and his toys with his baby sister. It definitely takes away from the time I can spend focused on him, which was kind of the point. But I feel guilty that I can't spend the kind of time with him that I used to. And likewise I feel guilty that I've never been able to focus on his baby sister the way I used to on her older brother. But that is the nature of having siblings and I have to remind myself that is part of the reason I had them! And they love each other. When I see them playing together it just melts my heart. It is a wonderful family dynamic.

So I don't know if that helps. But the bottom line is that obviously there are pros and cons to either decision. So it just comes down to a gut intuition on your part of what makes your family complete.

I am 35 and am struggling with some similar questions regarding having a third child. Just thought I'd share a bit of what I've experienced - the second child for me was very very hard at first - we all had to adjust, there was more juggling and spreading of attention. But as they get older, it gets more and more fun. My daughter is now 5 and my son is 2.5 - they have so much fun together. Also, it seems like my son loved having another child in the house (to the point where we laugh now that our daughter must have been so bored with just us parents). And the strain on the marriage is lessening. We do not significantly feel an increased financial burden (we are similar in that we've never owned a house and started late in our careers).
So the way I see it is - having another child may bring on a couple tough years, but a lifetime of joy.
Regarding career, I felt that I have many years to pursue professional goals, but the window for having a family is very short.
That being said, each person is truly individual in her values and perspectives, so take the time to soul search. Pondering for some more months will not affect your risks.
Good luck.

honey , first off, stop listening to people who want you to have another baby but arent going to help pay for the extra expenses involved. i had people pressuring me about having another baby when i was still pregnant, especially when they figured out that i was pregnant with a girl.when i asked why they had such a problem with little girls, i mean after all, their mother was a little girl at one time. they suddenly decided to go bother someone else.( try this approach, by the way) if my little girl asks for a younger sibling later on, i will get her a dog. two small children are completely unrealistic if you want a career outside the house. and as for 35 being too old for a baby, give me a break..i found out i was pregnant 11 days after i turned 40.
K. h.

We started trying for number two when our first was 9 months old. It took three years before I became pregnant again though. Having children at an advanced age wasn't the plan. I was 36 at the time, 37 when he was born. Number three came along unexpectedly, I was 38, almost 39. I have three healthy children. My oldest isn't thrilled to have siblings after being an only child until he was 4 1/2, but we hope he will come to appreciate them eventually. I think most people worry about money and whether or not one child will be lonely without a sibling, etc. I think it just shows that you aren't taking the decision lightly (good for you!). Really you just need to do what you and your husband feel is best for you.

I know lots of people who have had babies (even my obgyn had her last at 45) and all have happy and healthy children. I just wanted to add another point of view my Mother and Father were older when I was born (I am now 29) and feel I have missed out on quite a few things...not knowing 2 of my grandparents b/c they had passed when I was young and also knowing that my Sister and Brother who are 12 and 15 years older than me (my parents were young when they were born) have/will have much more time with my parents than I ever will. I was an unplanned child so my Mother was not expecting to have anymore children at her age. It also brakes my heart to know that my parent may not even be able to see my Daughter graduate from high school much less any other children I have in the future. I wouldn't trade my parents or any of my family for anything but I do wish I was blessed with more time than I will get which I know is never guarantted regardless of age. So based on that my theory is sooner rather than later to have children if possible.

hi E., i think your concerns are valid, and i'm happy that you and your husband are together in this question-asking phase. it always concerns me more when spouses are at opposite ends of the spectrum on this issue. i think you do have some time to weigh the options, and your chances of having a healthy baby are excellent at this point in time. of course the odds do work against you the longer you wait, but the gun is not to your head yet. you can take a little time to ponder. the money issue is a valid one, but the fact that you love your career path and plan to keep working indicates that this will be a passing issue. it's an excellent matter to give serious thought to (way too many don't) but you'll be surprised to find how many ways you can cut costs and make it work if you decide to proceed. and the tightness will not last forever......with both of you well-educated and willing to work, you will do well despite the current economy, which won't last forever. so i'd count that as a concern but not a dealbreaker. as for the only child issue, there is absolutely zero chance that you can figure that one out, so you might as well let it go. without a crystal ball to predict the personality of your second, and how the two will mesh, it's a loser's game. you'll get anecdotes from onlies who were desperate for a sib, and plenty more who flourished, as well as kids in the middle of a large family who craved more one-on-one time with exhausted parents. don't base any decision on this. i think your most telling comment is your last one. if you were completely ambivalent, or just basing your baby-longing on how much you like tiny babies, i'd be more inclined to say pass. but it sounds as if you and your husband would both really like another child and are just being intelligent thoughtful beings by carefully thinking through the options. if that is the case, it's probably better sooner than later. there are always regrets no matter which path you choose, but it sounds to me as if your family has a place for another.
good luck whatever you choose!
:) khairete
S.

Just wanted to let you know that there is all kinds of research about the positive aspects of being an only child. I know two "only" children who wished they had siblings when they were young, but as they grew up actually changed their minds. So I wouldn't let that issue be your main concern. Only's are generally well adjusted, verbal, reliable, etc.