Death of Child

There are no words that will work in comforting your friend. I am the mom of an angel baby, and, no matter how good your intentions, words never come across right. When I work with parents of lost children, I simply place my hand on their shoulder or give them a hug. I try to use no words, other than, if you need anything, let me know. Then in a week or so, send a card- or make a call and tell them you are bringing a meal, or dessert or something.If you are close enough friends and you see he needs the dishes done- or food in the fridge, just do it, don't ask or tell him, just step up and start doing it. I know I didn't want to burden my friends, and never accepted help when it was offered. This is a very touchy time, and everyone handles grief differently. My prayers to your friend.

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So sorry for the loss, it is a very sad time for all that knew the child I'm sure. Many times the family puts together a photo board of the person and their life for the funeral home visitation. Maybe you could help sort through photos with your friend as that would be a very difficult thing. Also, put together a necessity basket/bag of things that they may not want to shop for and will probably need on hand with guests showing up at their house: paper towels, kleenex, tp, paper plates, napkins, soda, juice, papercups,coffee, etc etc. Make bars/cookies etc. for them to have on hand also.

The best thing to do in any situation involving death, in my opinion, is to let them know that you are available. Not just for an emotional outlet but also to help get their mind off the situation for a bit. Go to lunch or dinner with him and do not discuss the issue unless he brings it up, and listen. Just knowing that people care means alot.
Maybe send a meal to his home instead of the typical flowers. No one wants to cook during these times. And they rarely even think of food.
I am sorry for the lose, and best of luck in such a terrible situation.

How sad!!! Just being around to see and do things that need to be done is very helpful. When I lost my mother everyone wrote cards and said they were there for me but I didn't really feel like calling them. I talked to the few people who were by my side and showed up to visit me.

If you don't feel like just popping in...call every day or so and offer to pick something up for him or say you'd like to come to visit and then while you are there make yourself busy. If you just show up and look at each other it will put more pressure on him to do something for you. You may even have to make an excuse of "I made too much food for my family so I'd like to swing by and drop some off."

Bless you for being a wonderful friend at such an important time.

Grieving does not stop at the funeral, if you are a really close friend besure and keep up the little things in the coming days. Call to talk, bring a dessert, go for a walk together etc. That will be the best thing you could do for her.

I am very sorry for his loss. My 9 yo daughter died one night unexpectedly of an enlarged heart 7 years ago while I was home alone with my 8 other children. It was a very traumatic event but we had the most wonderful help from our neighbors and friends from Church. Everything people have replied is exactly right. You didn't say if he had other children. If he does, make sure that you let them know you are there as well. Things really got difficult after about two weeks when the help dwindled and we were alone again. Keep checking, as people have said. If you want to go the extra mile, remember the anniversaries and let him know you are thinking of him on those days. I'm so glad that you are there to help him. Best wishes.

I'm so sorry for your friend! The best thing you can do is just be there. Whether he needs to vent, cry, or just be silent, knowing you and your family are there for support will mean a lot. I will keep him and his son in my prayers.

Definitely send meals now. Ask them what they need. Let them know you are there for them. Perhaps go to their home and just clean a bit. (Dust, mop, straighten, etc.) Nobody feels like doing maintenance things during their time of grief. If you don't know what to say give them a card letting them know if they need to talk and that you will listen.

And down the road make sure to continue remembering. They will feel alone when the one month, six month, one year, etc. anniversary of their sons' loss comes. Make sure to acknowledge it. Maybe send a note, flowers, or gift card to go out to eat at each of the anniversaries. Anything to let them know that you remember and care.

The only thing I can offer is that when you call or stop by to see if he needs anything, don't say "is there anything I can do for you?" When that question is presented in those words, people are programmed to say "No, I'm fine. But, Thanks anyway." When there are really tons of things they would like to ask you to do, but don't feel comfortable asking. So present it in a way that lets him know you WANT to help. Insist on helping by saying "Tell me what you need me to do." or "Tell me what I can do for you. Can I go shopping for you? Do you need food, or what about cleaning the house for you?" Or even insist that he gets out of the house with you to go and talk somewhere. Let him know it's ok to cry around you too. My prayers go out to you.

How horrible. I have a 10 year old boy and I can't imagine. My condolences to your friend. Don't forget about your friend and his family after the funeral--weeks, months and even years later. Keep in touch, even when it's awkward or uncomfortable. We had a friend who lost her fiance and basically became uncommunicative from the grief. She lost friends who found it awkward and uncomfortable to be with her, but we stuck with her and are still friends 14 years later. My husband played tennis with her and we took her to sporting events even when she was speechless and stunned by depression and grief. (We knew she was getting professional help.) My parents also had friends who lost children when I was a child and it changes the dynamics of relationships. Just be willing to talk to him, spend time with him and talk about fond memories of his son. Best wishes.

Listen to him, offer your help in any way you can, let him cry on your should. So sorry to hear of this, it is very sad.

I can't imagine ever having to lose a child...but I'm thinking you do things that need to get done without asking...mow/water the lawn, clean things around the house (kitchen, fridge, bathroom, etc), do his laundry, make his bed, bring groceries, unload the dishwasher, etc...just help with the basics and let him know you're there for him whenever he needs to talk , etc.

The true test of your friendship will come after the funeral -- when your friend is trying to create a new "normal". It's going take a long time.

Some of the things that help me are:
*Email check-ins (then I can share as much or as little as I want without worrying about tears)
*Drop off a meal -- or treat him to a meal out -- it's good to have to make yourself get out of the house.
*Work on a project together. It helps me to help others.

Remember that it's going to take time and he may need some space. But, it doesn't hurt to remind him that you are there when he needs you.

I haven't read all 52 responses - so forgive me if this is a repeat....

The organization "Compassionate Friends" is a support/etc. organization specifically for those who have lost children. I believe that Compassionate Friends was the main reason that my aunt was able to survive the loss of my cousin.

http://www.compassionatefriends.org/home.aspx

There are local Minnesota chapters, as well as national chapters if your friend is out of the state. If you call their national number, they will put together a packet of information based specifically on the situation, and give you the location, contact info, etc. for a local chapter.

877-969-0010 or email ____@____.com aunt heads the St. Paul chapter. Her email is: ____@____.com

My thoughts are with your friend and his family.

A woman from my church lost her teenage son over a year ago and wrote a book called "Dream Visits" (by Sandy Traeder). It's a shorter book that may help.

In general, I agree with many others that said to make sure to be available and listen weeks and months later.

ask him. if he needs a break see if there is anything that you can do to help him out. is he married? single? have any other children? you know him and you know the responsibilities that he has, maybe he needs a break from them.

one thing i strongly warn you against is if he is single, and you 2 have a romantic thing going on (i dont know, you dont tell me if hes married/dating or if you are married/dating) dont let this become a time that he looks to you for emotional connection. be there for him, and all of the things that entails. but dont let this get romantic right now. hes really hurting, and this isnt the time to complicate that.

but, you dont say that it is a possibility, so i should get off that topic.. :P

otherwise, maybe he needs help picking up groceries. maybe he needs you to just pray for him. maybe he needs greif counseling? its really hard for me to tell you what you need to do because of the lack of details of the situation. but you know him and you likely know the things he has to do in his life, and if you can help him in any way, you would know what that is.

HOWEVER, if you are married or in a relationship, your family comes first. do not do things for this man at the expense of your family. :)

I suggest you bring him a casserole before the day of the funeral. Another thing you could do as the weather is getting cooler is to give him a gift such as a very nice blanket. If he needs to talk, lend your ear...I am sure you are already being there for him in the most important ways. I saw the report about this tragedy on the news last night. It is such a horrible situation. Your friend is very lucky to have you there for him.

I always take over food. I try for a comfort food like a pot of soup or spaghetti. After that let him talk about it as much as he is able to. I would let him take the lead in his activities also. He may want to spend time with your kids or the kids of other friends, he may feel that he can pour some the love for his child into another child. He may not want to be around kids at all for awhile. Greif does strange things to people, it could be a year before he can even focus on his feelings. Let him take his time. He may also find comfort in mentoring a child the same age with the same interests of his son.
Please let him know there are many people who empathize with him and will listen when he needs to talk.

Ask him what you can do. My guess is he'll have no idea. Just be available, and food is always a great idea. I would be extra sure to make sure the food is convenient for them. And I totally agree what someone else mentioned, it's the days, weeks, months after the funeral that are going to be the hardest. You don't even have to "talk" to them, but if you send them a note, just knowing someone is thinking about them and remembering will be a huge thing for them. The best thing you can do is just be there for them!

Just be there....If they call in the middle of the night because they felt like they are just going to lose it, be there! If you want to prepare some meals for them to freeze and warm up later, that is always a great way to show you care as well to...Be the shoulder they need...they will let you know what you can do for them....trust me, even though I have never lost any of my children, showing support and letting them know that you are always there for them is the best thing to them right now. When they hear those words they know that they can call on you if they need something. Even sending them affirmations whether it be by email or snail mail, that is something that can help them deal with things as well, I did that for my mom after my dad passed...I still do it every once in a while.