Dealing with Un-informative School Staff and Inactive Father.

Two different parenting styles--that's all it is, and you cannot change it. You two complement each other on the strengths and weaknesses of parenting your daughter. Beign a mother did not make you check her folder; being YOU did. I make that distinction because it's important that you not get caught up in being the "better" parent and learn to think of it as teamwork, with each role being just as important as the other. I know that that's difficult in two homes.

That said, he needs to do better about checking her homework. Regarding the non-uniform day, it would not have been the end of the world had she missed that one.

Regarding too little notice from the school, I say that you refuse to scramble around making yourself crazy like that. You can only control so much. If you take on everybody else's responsiblity, then you teach your daughter to depend on that and you teach others to keep you hanging until the very last minute. If you have talked to them and asked for more advanced notice, then you have to let them do it. Otherwise, your daughter doesn't participate; they have to find something else for her to do, and you have to explain to her that she can't/won't participate in every single thing that takes place. Four years is old enough to get this lesson. She'll learn as she gets older to take responsibility for her activities. You'll learn how to back off and not try to do everything yourself. Good luck with that.

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Honestly, with your daughter being only 4, I would let the "homework" folder issue go. I would talk to the teacher and let her know that the bare bones of the situation (why homework might not be done) and give her my email so she can send special situations directly to me. I agree with the previous poster, the 50's dress thing was probably talked about earlier than the day before. A gentle reminder to the teacher that you don't always have control over what you see from school should do the trick to get her to email you. I would really try not to stress over it. I know it's frustrating, but at least her father is in her life and a good guy.

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Maybe you already do what I am going to suggest, so if so sorry! Can you just give a quick call around the time your daughter gets out of school and to her dad's house. Maybe like just a casual call wanting to see how her day went and tell her you love her etc. Then just ask her to grab her homework folder and read to you what is going on. Then ask to talk to dad and tell him whatever is in there. If you have a lighthearted attitude like you are mommy and just sad you aren't there and want to be in the loop it probably won't annoy him. That is one huge privilege of being mom, we like to be in the mix of what is going on in our kids life, it's expected. That way you aren't calling him out but rather making him a part of helping you stay connected to your daughter when you have to be away. It is usually all about presentation and attitude. It sounds like you attitude is great, you say he is great with her, so I think if you just accept that details are not his thing and don't try to change that but rather make him a part of your keeping up with things it will go pretty well.

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Sorry I'm responding late to this but I'd ask the teacher, if you haven't already, if they can also email the information. Just explain that you receive the info often-times late & your daughter often cannot participate b/c you didn't have adequate notice. I'd also talk to the father & just explain that while you understand he is a great father, he has to be more involved in your daughter's upbringing. Good luck & hope things work out for you.

Hi S., I completely feel your pain. I am 34 and have three little girls. I also work a full time job outside the home and my hours are sometimes longer than 5pm. Once school started back up, I found myself in the same position as you. Cleaning, cooking, and handling the girls while my husband floated through his day - no worries. I finally got to my boiling point and had to sit him down and have a talk. I spoke to him in a non - accusing tone and just asked him for help. I explained that I am not Super Woman and we are partners in this. But lately I feel that I am flying solo. I put the blame on myself telling him that I thought I could juggle it all but I can't and I need him. Men have to feel needed and although he is an adult and should know to help take care of his family - I still have to stroke his ego somewhat. Once I expressed my need for him and his help, he understood where I was coming from. We have had order and life has been so much easier since we talked. He checks the girl's homework, makes sure they have their school outfits out, and makes sure they take their showers. Those three things in themselves has helped me out tremedously. All that to say this...men need to feel needed and useful. If we approach them with a cry for help in the right tone/manner you would be surprised at how they respond. It may not work for all men...but it did for mine. I hope this helps you out! BTW - we have been married for 14 years and have been together for 16 - so he knows how I operate!

WOW! It seems to me you are almost powerless on the school thing. There is no excuse for non information from the school and it seems as though this is rampant throughout the facility so going to the principal is not going to solve the issue. Unfortunately, that means you daughter is going to miss out on a few things. I can only think that you are not the only parent with these issues.

As far as homework is concerned, you have to reiterate with Dad that it must be done. Even if you have to call every afternoon and bug him about it. I am trying not to be nasty, but this is laziness on his part. He does not want to seem like the bad guy.

Sorry I do not have any other help. Good luck!

My husband is a working musician and works all kinds of crazy hours. I work full-time, and take care of the kids nights and weekends. So, that being said, I can tell you that as much as you hate to hear this, you will have to be the one to see that it gets done on your end. Things that you might want to try I will list random.

1. Call your daughter at her dads at the time he gets her from school. Ask to put your daughter on the phone and have her open her book and tell you what is in it. (folder) Then tell her to take it out and show her dad, then put him on the phone.

2. I am guessing this is pre-school, so homework not done would not be the end of the world? Or, if she does none all week, that might get the attention of her teacher???? Then maybe the teacher will be more proactive.

3. You can go online to the school district every week and see the calendar for that month. The online district calendar should be accurate as far as days off.

4. You could email the teacher every Monday and get a report for the week as far as extra stuff, like 50's dress up day?

5. Make a star chart for your daughter and give her a star when she comes home every day with school info that she remembers. (this will help her later in elementary years) This will make her more responsible for telling you what is going on in her class.

I am mother of three kids

Chandler 13

Twins
Olivia and Rebecca 10

If this gets worse, I would set up a conference with the teacher, and both mom and dad go and explain the situation. Maybe if dad has to come along to the conference, he won't want to do it again!!! And then maybe he will see that it gets done on his time.

Hang in there, it is tough! I have had many days of tears of feeling like I am alone in the fight against keeping it all together!

Dad's not going to force her to do homework on "his" time & it's entirely possible that he knew of the special event ahead of time & just neglected to tell you.
Speak with the teacher & let her know your situation. It may be possible for her to email copies of homework calendars to you to ensure receipt.
I wish you luck!!

I agree with Jen B's answer. I am a grandmother who picks up one of her granddaughter's everyday from school. I also work and have my own business so I pick her up and take her to the office for an hour and a half until her mother gets off work. Sometimes I am running like a chicken without a head and am busy as well and we will walk in the office and I get busy with something and just flat forget. My daughter started calling like Jen B. stated and we finally got in a habit and now I do not forget. My daughter had to get after me about her not doing her homework and she will fail if it is not done etc. and just a little reminding got us on the right track. It is hard for my granddaughter to get it done at home because by the time my daughter gets off work, gets to my office and picks up my granddaughter they then have to go pick up my grandson at daycare. The drive to her house takes forever due to the traffic and usually they have something to do in the evenings with the church or something so it is hard for my daughter as well. So just give them a call and it will all work out. As for the teachers, truly they don't care about why it wasn't done and I don't blame them. They need to have it done. Now do I think a child needs homework everynight? NO and I don't understand why they have it all the time, but there is really nothing we can do about it and it must get done. Good Luck.

This sounds _very_ familiar in my house!

From my work at our elementary school, and volunteering with the PTO there, I see the teachers and administrators trying hard to get information out in a timely fashion. Still, every school is different. Ours has a Monday folder with important information, news, and updates. They do try.

On the other hand, your husband is not being helpful. Maybe he didn't ask your daughter or he asked and just accepted the answer of there's no homework. It will be hard to believe him when you ask again. You could try wording your question more carefully. Is there [unfinished] homework in her folder?

With my sons, but older than your 4-yr-old, I would have them show me the contents of their "homework" folder or see their school planner. I wouldn't question and argue, just simply ask to see the homework.

Recently, I saw a quote posted on a marquee outside of a church that reads: 1 lie can undo 1000 truths

Find something that works for you. From your description, maybe you need some space to "catch up" with news using some time possibly pre-breakfast.

I have not been a single mom and I just admire each any every one like you that I meet because of how hard you all just try to do your best for your child or children!

Good luck,
D.

Hi S.
You really do have issues and these can really be stressful at times- perhaps you could enlist the help of someone else to keep your daughter to be sure she has her homework etc-
good luck and blessings

Hello S.,

I understand your frustration. I also have an ex-husband that is not attentive and a school that gives little notice for events and projects. I will preference this with the fact that I am a professional organizer by profession. I am a planner. When I started receiving notices from school that only gave two days notice or once a notice for a meeting that started a 6 p.m. that evening, I wrote the teacher a note. I also e-mailed the principal. I explained that I want to take an interest in my daughter's activities. I also explained that we work with a custody schedule at our house. When your child is not at your home everyday, it is harder to keep up with signed papers, information sheets, field trip slips, etc. The principle did reply to my e-mail and apologized for the late notice on the meeting. The teacher responded that many notices come from the office and she does not have control of what goes out. I have instructed my daughter to remind me of any events coming up. I also stay on her dad with reminders of events that are coming up, reminder that she will have a weekly reader to read that evening, and reminder on homework sheets. We are no longer married, but I give him reminders through text or e-mail. This has helped with his follow through. It also gives certainty to my daughter that her dad can take care of things. My daughter does not know that I send reminders to her dad. If you send a note to school and they still seem to be behind, I would make an appointment to visit with the principle. I really think that the school does not take busy families into consideration. I feel that schools need to give a full weeks notice for upcoming events and projects. Hang in there and have a fabulous day.

I noticed that your daughter is only 4. I had a preschooler in that situation for the last two years. Homework is different in preschool. Typically there are no grades. I simply informed the teacher that on the days I didn't pick her up, I would not even see the assignments until the next day. The teacher was fine with that. Because it was preschool, she said she was not going to be a stickler for due dates. She understood that this really wasn't teaching the students responsibility at this age; it was all on the parents. She told me she assigned homework because a lot of her kids wanted something to do next to their older siblings. My friend who picked her up would put all her stuff in her lunch box, and my husband, who picked her up from her house, would never bring any of her stuff inside, so I sometimes wouldn't know about anything for days. This was twice a week when I taught a later class.

I was pleased that the teacher was so understanding. You might try having a chat with her. I can't imagine you'd have 100 percent participation in 50s day anyway if parents were only informed the night before.

Now that she's in the next class (5-yr-olds), AND I don't have any evening classes, she doesn't have any homework...

Good luck.

WOW. You have no idea how good you got it! He watches the kids while you work the long hours. He does not have to do that for you--you know. Also even if he still lived with you, you would of still had to do this. Your child is only 4. MAN I could tell you horror stories about what we have to deal with in our school age children and their parents not doing the weekend homework. The only one that pays for that is the KIDS! Be thankful you got a good dad!

I would suggest you have a face to face point blank conversation with both parties - Dad and the school administration.

Dad should play a part in helping his daughter get her homework completed and he should play a role in picking her up for school - at least most days.

As for the school not providing information on a timely basis to parents - that's unacceptable. Schools know when teacher in service days are scheduled and teachers (good ones at least) know what activities they have scheduled for their class. For a teacher to give a 1 day notice of dress up, days off, etc is unacceptable.

((hugs)) I'm very sorry. It must be hard to work odd hours like that.

I don't have much to add, but as a former first grade teacher, my guess is that there has been information in the folder before yesterday. IT might have gotten taken out or fell out, or was overlooked, but I find it odd that they would have put the notice in her folder the day before. I really think that perhaps that was just a reminder and that there was a notice before.

In any case, perhaps call and talk to the teacher and ask when she sends these notices. Explain (very nicely) that this was the first you had heard of it, had she sent something before?

I don't know how to advise with the dad. I would just explain to him and point out what he missed and how hard it was for you to get everything together, when it was all there for him to read. But that might not be helpful and seem accusatory to him. I don't know how else to tell him READ THROUGH THE WHOLE FOLDER without seeming like you are telling him what to do.

If the teacher could email anything going on with school, should you have access to this could help keep the communication between everyone or at least your way possibly ahead of time to try to help prevent issues as this.

I.

Most schools publish (and send home) a monthly activities calendar that lists special days, such as a 60s dress-up day. If your school doesn't then suggest to the principal that it would be a good idea. You are most likely not the only working mom in school. As for the husband, maybe he should participate in a parent-teacher conference and be made aware of the importance of homework. Ask the teacher or principal for an email address so that you can stay in touch with them regarding school activities.

hi S.,
First thing, I would sit down with Dad and explain that since your daughter is now in school, homework will be coming home periodically if not daily. I hope that you are starting a good homework routine now because it will only get harder if those expectations aren't set asap. Inconsistent treatment of homework by parents (read: homework doesn't really matter) could be detrimental to her doing the best she can do in school. Was there a parent's handbook that was sent out? If so does Dad have a copy and has he read it? I didn't see where you stated what your daughter does after school. It may be that your ex may not be comfortable working with her on her homework for various reasons (my DH was like that with my son for a while). If communication with your ex doesn't fix the problem, the next step is to schedule a parent/teacher or principal/parent/teacher meeting that both of you attend. Make sure that you have communicated to the school that you are having problems with your ex supporting homework.

On the school communication issue, I would take a look at the various ways the school communicates with parents. Make sure they have all your numbers and that they use the best one. Make sure they have your email address(es) and that they use the best one for announcements. Ask the teacher or someone else (perhaps another mom?) if the info regarding the special dress day was communicated prior to the day before. Just because it wasn't on the paper calender given at the beginning of the year doesn't mean that it wasn't set out a month before. If not, you definitely have the right to request a reasonable amount of time to be notified if anything is out of the ordinary. Make sure that you work hard to meet other parents in the class and exchange email addresses. Find out who the room parents are and see if they can help with the communication. Make sure the teacher knows of your circumstance - you all want the best for your child. Good Luck!

4 and homework???????????

I would have major issues with the school if my preschooler had homework and had required dress up days.

My son attends a preschool. He is in a 3/4 year old class and they do not have homework. They do have optional dress up days but we are given at least 2 to 3 weeks notice prior to the event. We also get a monthly newsletter that describes their current school activities.

Hope you are able to come up with a solution that works for you.

S.,
I TOTALLY understand the stress of no help with homework. I'm married and my husband doesn't help as much either. But I have been thinking to creating a chart to leave up, to see if something visual could serve as a reminder for them on helping in this area.
Maybe that is all they will need...and as far as the school thing.. GOOD LUCK. My girls are in 4th and 2nd grade, and sometimes they get notice too far in advance and we don't ever remember.. then they will have some that they will get a few days after the event. So just be patient, some you will do.. and some you won't.