Dealing with Teens - Seabrook,NH

My daughter had the same issue....at Cheektowga Central they now give updated progress report weekly....but prior to being able to keep up that often...I saw the same thing. She was a mini me....aced the tests, but did NO HOMEWORK.
But, test grades were 100, 99, 100, 96, 98, 99, 100...etc, etc
Grounding did nothing, taking away the electronics....she would sit and read a book swearing she had no homework. I made her drop band, pulled her out of gymnastics....Now I am worried about her becoming a lazy child.
I discussed it with teachers and we were all at a wits end. She didn't even try to make up excuses. They said she looked them in the face and said she didn't do it, as though there was no consequence. Unfortunately, middle schools give homework a high percentage in the final grade. 8th grade you can still pass with a zero in homework (thank god!!) and high school you can also... she better not plan on a good college admission with bad grades. We even discussed future plans, goals, the difference in wiping tables at Burger King and having a college education....Drove through the deepest ghetto to see what happens in low income communities. She is not hanging out with the wrong crowd, she see's no friends after school, its not even a possibility that it is drugs or alcohol experimentation.
So one day I went in to her room after the mid year report card was bad. I took a hand full of hefty bags into her room and cleared the shelves of everything!!! The look on her face to walk into a totally empty room....bare sheves, empty walls....as though she was robbed. I resorted to kidnapping all her precious things. Including every fuzzy stuffed animal, every collector item, earned trophies, cd's, video games, trinket gifts from friends and loved ones, memorable photos, even the most prized designer clothing. She had bare minimal items. Bedding and a few changes of clothes.
I left a ransom note stuck to the shelf with a list of demands, what grades she required in each class to hit an 85 or better for the final average.....no more yelling, no more bribing with rewards that she didn't care about. What bothered her the most? the threat on the ransom note that I will ebay items one at a time if I don't immediately see effort towards meeting the demands. Her fuzzy stuffed animals she had feelings for were to be donated personally by her to the volunteer ambulances and mercy flight to be given to pediatric patients. If the demands are not met in one semester? They would be all ebayed and the money put in a fund to pay for the community college she would resort to later in life since she is blowing her chances for any scholorships with her academic abilities being wasted. If the 5 week report showed her meeting her goals, I would start to release hostages. After she read the note, I explained that she had responsibilities that she was neglecting...she was not doing her job in life as a student. So, just like someone who refuses to participate in society and work? She was losing everything. I emailed and explained this drastic approach to all of her teachers. They all agreed to email me weekly with discrepancies.
She made immediate improvement....this forced her to use an agenda and keep track of assignments. After learning that personal organization helped her stay ahead, it motivated her to start the following year off organized and not fall apart knowing it is easier to stay organized than to try to fix a mess later.

If I could do it again, I'd only change the ransom note. I would explain it as ... she now has bad credit for not doing her job, and the repo man (repo mom) took everything away....she may purchase items back with good grades and good progress reports one at a time.

He is obviously smart enough to pull off good test scores without the monotonous practice of homework...he will understand the lesson you are teaching.

shhhh...now the perk for me??? She took back all of her prized possessions. But, many of the items that I begged to garage sale or throw away for the 3 previous years (junk collected over years), she finally chose to let go of leaving her bedroom neater and more organaized.

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WOW...do we have the same son???? Can you get him into a sport and then tell him that he needs to keep his grades up in order to stay playing?? We did that with my son and it helped a lot. I also conned him into "letting me do his homework with him" meaning that I would help him but he did most of the work. I also have the e-mail addresses of all his teachers and threatened to have his seat changed so that he is with all girls and none of his friends. Also call the school and see if there is an afterschool homework session that he can attend..some schools have this and the teachers have to tell the one that stays after what the homework is and they watch him do it. This could make him see that you are serious. AND if you have gotten over the really angry stage of this and are at the almost at tears stage...then when no-one else is around you could start to cry and tell him that you love him and that you want him to be the best son ever, and why is he not keeping up with his grades and homework, blame yourself and make him feel guilty!! Sons like to see their moms mad but cant stand to see them sad!! This could also work. My son has been pretty good this past quarter since I did all of this and we are actually rewarding him by taking him to a real football game. I made sure that he knew it was because he was doing much better with listening and caring about his schoolwork. GOOD LUCK!!! R.

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He sounds like my youngest sister. You need to get a handle on him, or it will only get worse. The first thing you can do is talk to his teachers and ask them to give you his assignments each week over the phone or by email. This way you will know what needs to get done. Second, I would ask him why he is having such a hard time with it. He could be having problems concentrating, reading or even understanding the assignments. He may need extra help with homework after school. His problems could be home related as well-trouble with sibs, wants more attention, etc...Maybe see if he would like to talk with a counselor? I hope you can get though to him!

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Hi M., I too have had the same concern. My son is now 14. When your son leaves I believe you can actually call the police and have him picked up and brought home. If the behavior continues, the p.d. can issue something we call a FWSN. (Family with Service needs). This gives your son a "Probation officer". I don't know what state you live in but you should consider calling p.d. and asking them what they would consider you do as your son is "out of control". I know it sounds like I'm visious, but trust me it's really called "TOUGH LOVE". I live in CT. and my son has really pushed my buttons. I am ready (again) to call back his P.O. and tell her that not only is he leaving the house without permission but he is swearing at me. Just last night he called me a "f' B---ch". Not impressed! The P.o. will then re-file this document and probably have my son placed before a judge and there he will receive a consequence that he will have to abide by. Oh, please let me know how things are going. I would love to talk with you more about this. We are definately not bad parents. P.

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Hi M.,

I have a 13 yr old daughter and I have had the same problem with the school work that you do. I think if she pretends it doesnt exist it isnt her problem. I also have a 17 yr old daughter so I have already been thru the 13s.
I have basically told my daughter that school and homework is her job. It will be her job until she graduates from high school. She has already started with the early teen attitudes also. One thing I did for both of my girls is I gave them a journal. I told them to use the journal to write whatever is bothering them that they dont want to talk about out loud. I DO NOT read the journal. We never wanted anyone reading our diaries when we were young...same thing. He may think it is weird but leave it up to him. And also let him know that what is in that journal is none of your business.
As for running off..I think he should realize that you were worried about him and that is not cool. I can understand getting angry and having to go somewhere to collect your thoughts but not without letting someone know where you are and when you will be back.
I hope this helps somewhat.

be very strict ,take away privelages for bad behavior and praise for good behavior.perhaps a councillor would help.

Hi M.,
I have a simular situation on my hands.......2 step-children, 2 of my own. 2 of these kids are 13.School in my family is great for 2 kids(grade wise) and difficult for 2 of them. My 13 year old daughter has always struggled, while her brother gets straight A's always with very little effort!
As far as your son up and leaving, I guess I need to ask you? Are these discussions about his lack of homework HEATED ??? If not, maybe he just needs to realize that 7th grade requirements include ALOT of homework and it counts for 1/3 of his grade. If they are Heated , maybe an isolated ,quiet discussion (w/out the other kids in the room) and a clear outline of what you and your husband and teachers expect from yur son. You know, alot of kids who get good grade think that they don't have to study or do homework.I think it's gonna catch up to your son and my step-son IF homework is not done and handed in on time. It's the only thing holding my daughter afloat because the teachers will @ least know she is trying and is doing the work. How old are your other children???
We also take T,V, , gameboys, x-box, etc. away IF homework slacks off....hard to enforce when my son leaves to go to his moms house 3 nights per week but, we still take stuff away in our home..................Don't know IF this will help but, I feel your stress , it's hard with 4!!!!

Have you tried sitting down with your son and asking him what he wants? If you think that he is really bright maybe he is bored with the assignments. Im sure you know that at 13 your son is entering into a totally different develope mental stage, you could compare it to the toddler stage...he still needs you very much but wants to show his independence. Punishment might work for a short time but Im betting that soon he wont care or will just sneak out or break other rules. You can only "control" a teenager so much. I speak from experence. I am 22 y/o and put my father who raised me thru HELL and back. I ended up leaveing school when I was 15 and my father asked me what I wanted. I went from skipping school all the time to taking the GED applying to college studying Child Development and teaching. My father says now that he wishes he had asked me sooner what I wanted to do. I was REALLY bored at school. Maybe your son is the one who holds the answer to the problem. If you have a good relationship with him maybe you can try and get on his level and sort the problem out. Good luck!

You could always have the juvenile police officer show up as he returns home from the next running away (you might want to let him do this just so you can have this happen) and have the officer discuss with him why running away isn't such a great thing. Or possibly see if the school could have an assembly about running away and the possible dangers, as well as the possible consequences if the police are involved. It may not seem like much to you and I but to a kid, it has a whole different impact.

He is pushing your buttons and doing a splendid job with it. The first thing you need to do is stop reacting to it and be rather blaise about the whole thing. It is absolutely no fun to do that stuff if they're not getting a reaction from you. The reason why your husband is probably better at dealing with these things is that he doesn't react as emotionally.

Call the teacher and find out if she can offer any possible reasons for your son not doing his homework. It is quite clear that he can do the work or he wouldn't be getting the good grades in school. The homework isn't that much different than what they're doing in school. The school is probably going to be resistent to coddling him because by the time the kids get to middle school they're expected to be a lot more responsible for their own stuff, including homework.

When he gets home from school ask him what homework he has and, if he has remembered it, sit down with him and go over it with him. If he has questions try to help him with it as much as you can. If you come across stuff you don't understand call the library (many of them have homework help stuff now) or try to find the answer on the Internet. Your being actively involved rather than remotely controlling will make a major difference.

I hope these things help.

loveandlogic.com (A little expensive, but worth a try.)