Dealing with Step Children.

Hi J., I have never been married but I do have some experience with step siblings when my mother was married I had 2 step sisters who where very loyal to their mother the oldest lived with the mother and the other one who happens to be the same age as me had lived with me and my mom & step dad and she was the one who created problems... but from what I experienced and seen all I can say is just try to be their for the step children because you never know they might end up being loyal to you more then to their own mother I know everyone is different but you have to be strong and try not to let them cause that many problems for you because all they want is their parents to be together which is understandable. But you have to let them know that you are with their father and they have to respect you.

I feel for you! I am familiar with that situation and it is awful to be in. With my situation I had to be both parents most of the time because my hubby worked out of town at times. It did not work for us and the situation just kept getting worse. Finally after a year of hell the kids got what they wanted and were able to go back. Some experts say that the step parent should never give discipline of any type, the birth parent should. This was not an option for us and so I don't know if it works or not. Good luck to you and you might want to try counseling for everyone so they learn how to express their emotions and have someone partial to talk/vent to. :-)

Hi J., My boyfriend and I just moved in together and will probably be married sometime next year (he's still making payments on my ring :). He has a 12 yo daughter with autism, and I have a daughter who is 8 and son that is 5. All 3 kids live with us full time except our ex's take them every other weekend, which is nice since that gives us every other weekend together! Since I'm newly in this situation too, I don't have any big suggestions other than to start right away with house rules and what is expected when they are with you. Jason and I just talked about this this morning! His daughter was having a fit and wouldn't get out of bed, I finally had to call him in to deal with her. We decided this weekend we need to sit down and come up with a plan so that if any of the kids act up or don't listen, we each will know exactly how to handle the situation. Like for example, my 5 yo is a whinner and won't take no for an answer. So we are going to decide what we will take away from him if we ask him to stop and he doesn't, or if it will be a 5 minute time out or something like that. And then make sure we are consistent with it and stick to it. I guess after all this rambling I'm doing, I'm trying to say, sit down with your husband and get on the same page. Come up with some ideas on how to deal with the kids and stick to it. I'm going to be reading everyone's response too so I can learn some things also. Good luck!!

Dear J.,

Been there, done that. I only wish "Dr. Phil" had been around back then. The main thing he ALWAYS advises stepparents is to remember you are NOT their parent and never will be, so leave as much as possible up to their father when they are with you. You don't have to let them walk all over you like mine did (I was too strict--their parents were WAY too lenient). The more you attempt to discipline them or "order" them around, the more they will conspire against you and their father as a couple.

Hold your private conversations where you KNOW your stepson cannot hear, even if you have to go into your bedroom closet. Let your husband know that you cannot substitute parent them; you can love them like a parent, but to them you will never be more than a glorified babysitter, at least until they learn to respect your position. It is important to NEVER yell at them, no matter what they do. Actually, ignoring their irritating behaviors works better. Let your husband know that when they get out of hand, either the children or you will be calling him on his mobile phone or at work or wherever to resolve the issue. It is his problem, NOT yours! If you do your best to respect and love them, you are doing plenty. Do not let them get to you. I almost had a nervous breakdown with two pubescent stepdaughters, and my husband and I wound up divorced, even AFTER I refused to let them live with us any more. So tread lightly and put most of the responsibility where it belongs--on the children, and their biological parents. Don't threaten. Just call your husband as often as you have to until he gets the message and realizes his own responsibilities. Tell him you love him and the children, but they are NOT your children and don't want to be, so he needs to "step up to the plate." Also, pray a LOT for patience. Hope this helps. If I had it to do over, it would have been very different.
K.

I went through the same situation. There's no denying that it is rough. Your husband has to deal with his feelings about his kids and you and I'm sure he hates to see that you aren't getting along. My husband felt pretty upset too. But, he sat his son down and explained to him that as much as he loved him, he was "temporary." He told him that he would always be there for him but not to make him choose because I would "win." That I was his wife forever, not just for a few years while I grew up. He would not allow him to be disrespectful to me or to treat me badly in any way.
I guess what I am saying is that your husband has to take the initiative in the situation and talk to his kids. He needs to make them understand that you had nothing to do with him and his x-wife splitting up. And, that everyone has to move on.
Meanwhile, you just "kill those kids with kindness." Be the best friend you can be to them and they will see that you aren't a bad guy afterall. I'm sure that unconsciously they are blaming you for their parents being separated. You need to let them know that you aren't trying to replace their mom, that she will always be their mother and be there for them too. They will just have two families and two homes and they will learn to adjust. I did when I was a kid. At first I resented the new dad but after a year or so I realized what a great guy he was and we eventually became very good friends. So, you see, you can overcome this. Just don't let them get you down. You are special and they will see that sooner or later. Hang in there!

I am in a similar situation. I have a daughter and my husband has three. My step daughters were doing the same thing. They are very loyal to their mother and father and I am the lady who came in and messed it all up. One day I just had to sit them down and told them I am not going any where, you need to accept that your father and I are married. I know that you want your mother and father to be together, what child wouldn't but because of things that happened in the past they have both moved on. Now I am in the picture and I plan to treat you all as equal and love you as my own.
It really takes time. I still have struggles with it but the girls and I are getting to know each other better and it is slowly working out. It may have sound harsh but it depends on the kids. My girls are rough so I have to be rough with them.
You can take each kid out and share some time with them to get to know them individually and learn to read them. Once you get to know them then things will get better. If not tell your husband to handle it. Good Luck

i am a stepmother and my husband is a stepfather to my boys. luckily my boys accepted him right away. not so for his kids and me. the most important ithing is not to try to take their moms place. not gonna happen and it is not fair to their mom. you are their dads wife. also what helped with us is that we had the rules of the house and we wnet over them everytime they came over. always be consistent. and make sure that they understand that both of you can enforce the rules. i got a lot of youre not my mom and you cant tell me what to do but my answer was"this is my house and these are my rules and when you are in my house you will obey them. and have your husband back you up.. always. dont ever talk bad about their mom infornt of the children. it is not their fault and they will use that to no ned. if they come tell you something about you that their mom said. just tell them, "I'm sorry your mom feels that way and i dont think you need to discuss things with me that your mom tells you in private, unless someone is hurting you, i think you need to keep private things private". unless you get along great with their mom, let your husband do all of the communicating regarding the children. beleive me, that makes things much easier. insituations where you are all togehter for instance a party, be the big girl and if mom misbehaves then she is the one that looks bad. we were at the kids combined birthday party and we couldnt have a separate party because they live in another state so we are at the party and we all contributed to the party. she wanted to do the cake after i had already offered so i let her, it was no big deal so when we get there, there is no cake and she starts screaming and yeling that i had to bring the cake. i didnt make a big scene like she did nor did i appologise, i just said loud enough for everyone to hear. "ther must have been a misunderstnading but not a problem, i will go get one now, and i did. then later, she was making comments about the presents. like this is totally the wrong size, and Scottie hates this kind of stuff. so i asked scottie why he didnt like it because that is what he had asked for and he said"i like it mom, i told them to buy it, and he thanked us. jsut be diplomatic and vent afterwards when the kids arent around. his little girl told us one visit that i was the reason why he didnt live with them and that her new step dad was her daddy. we drew a timeline of when her dad was born and mom was born and when they got married and when they were born and when they got divorced and when i came into the picture and it helped them understand it better. on the other hand my son has always called his step mom the step monster. again i toild him that if he wasnt indanger he shouldnt repeat things that are supposed to be private. and she always tried to make all the arrangements for everythign and i told her that i really prefferred to speak with her husband about things with the kids. it took over 10 years to make her understand that they are our kids not hers and his. this year ws the first time we have relaly tolerated each other. my son had a competetive race that he runs every year. they diecided to show up for this years and we met on the street as i was walking to the start line. sonce i train with my son and help him out during races with timing etc, they asked where they should go stand so that they could help becuase it is a very long race. i told them and then step monster gave me her cell nimber so that i would call and give them updates on teh race since i was going to be running to separate points of the race. we did that and that is the most amicable meeting we have had. i even invited them over to the house afterwards but my son told them that he was very tired and didnt feel up to company so they left. you jsut have to be the bigger person and you have a hard road ahead of you.

I'm not in that situation but I was a step-child that created problems when I was a kid. I'm kind of looking at this differently. What I'm thinking is that you let your husband deal with most of this. Just love, accept, and be patient with your step-children and support and encourage your husband. It is a difficult situation with all those involved..I know my husband and I both had step-parents and we both felt unloved and mistreated at times by them...Not always but never fully loved, if you know what I mean. My heart goes out to you and your family. Good luck!

Jaimee
PS It seems to me that the beginning would be the most difficult. If you can be patient and hang in there, it will get better!

J.,

You are in a tough spot no matter what. Try reading "The Smart Step-Family" by Ron L. Deal. It gives you and your husband very specific instruction on how to deal with the children and each other. It was very helpful to us. More than anything though, you and your husband have to be united in your approach. Hang in there.

in almost 35 years on this planet, the hardest thing I've ever had to do is be a stepmother. it's a thankless job, complicated not necessarily by the children, but by the woman behind the children. try "The Enlightened Stepmother, Revolutionizing the Role" I took away parts of it, like establishing "Standards of Conduct" for your home, and presented it to my stepsons as a team with my husband in the form of a family meeting. that was a start ;0) best of luck to you. I know how it is!

Years ago, I married a man with a child from his previous marriage. The first rule I made for myself was to never compete with mom. From the beginning, I was K. and mom was mom; I let her lead as to how close we would eventually become - and we did become very close. I NEVER made negative comments about her mom, NEVER got between mom and dad on issues(although I did give my advice to my husband in private), and I NEVER tried to buy my step-daughters affection with excessive gifts.
In general, just let the children set the tone, keep a positive environment and be open to them. Don't let their trying to cause problems with you and your husband become a problem. They can't if you don't let them. And, finally, Just ENJOY them and most problems will never happen.

I've always said it's hard being a mom, really really hard being a step mom...
I totally get what your saying and feeling, about 5 years ago my now husband and I blended our families. We went into the stereotypical roles, him working- me being at home with the kids...it just made sense...right now we're picking up the pieces of this mistake...like you, I was the one disciplining "his" kids with "my" rules...my husband is now working full time and taking "his" son with him to work and whatever else he does- which is very inconvenient and hard yet it got to the point where this kid was constantly negative and aggressive toward me and the other kids in our family...(nice to a certain extent when dad was around, so dad couldn't see it)..it's really been working for our son and me (not so much my husband) yet he understands that he has to be the disciplinarian until our son can learn how to positively be involved in this family...
I learned the hard way to pick my battles, drop a lot of rules, and act as a friend more then a mother with him...
Don't take their feelings personally, they're just kids...know that whoever was in your place (with their dad) would be getting the same treatment.
Just take care of yourself which will help to be nice to them, even when they are not nice to you...
Good Luck!

Let your husband discipline them. Stay in the back ground as much as possible and let them decide when they will try to start a friendship. It must be really hard for them to see their dad with someone that is not their mom. I really did not like my step mom for a while. I was so devastated when they divorced but it was worse when my dad remarried and had a baby! It was the hardest thing I ever had to go through. Over time, I had to start giving her a chance. I never EVER remember her being anything but positive and considerate of my feelings. Only say nice things about their mom. Let your step kids see that it is not a competition. Don't let your husband tell you all her faults. We all have them. You don't want anyone telling someone all about your dirty little secrets, do you? Let the past be in the past. Instead, treat her the way you want to be treated. Look for her positive attributes and every time you see or hear something negative, think "Yeah, but she is good at _____." Or "Wow, she must be having a bad day." Always assume the best. Divorce brings the worst out of people (as I have seen in all of my divorced friends). If your husband's ex is ever difficult, just imagine how hard it must be for her to have her marriage and future ended. Don't assume it is all her fault. (I can't think of a single divorce where one person was the innocent party. Even someone having an affair was driven away for some reason.) My parents never argued in front of us. If my mom started in on my dad, he always bowed out gracefully. Encourage your husband privately to do the same. I think that is the only reason I survived the divorce and don't carry the pain today. They actually acted like friends for the sake of me and my siblings.

Hi J. -

From one step mom to another, the best thing you can do is just be a friend. Set down the rules of your house and don't waver. Explain to them that there is a possiblity that the rules may not be the same but you expect them to honor your house rules when they are in your house.

I know it gets rough some times, but believe me, when they are grown and gone, they will appreciate the consistancy you provided them.

M.

hi J.!!!I'm the stepmom of two boys ages 10 and 7.i feel for you i really do.the kids at this age really think there's a chance their mom and dad will get back togethter.the best piece of advice i can give is to brush it off your shoulders yes i know easier said then done.but like the other day my youngest told me that his mom makes the best waffles i asked how she did it and he says by the toaster.i cook most of my stuff from scratch and so that was funny to me but i kept my mouth shut.

establish rules for when they're with you and dont let them break those they need to learn that each house has sepereate rules.and just be the great person that you are.

if they've admitted to trying to make probs i'd say look yeah it sucks that your mom and dad arent together anymore i know it's hard but sometimes it happens.i'm in your lives now and i'd like kids gethe chance to get to know each of you so much better.but the main factor is give it time and you and your hubby have to take an united stance and not let the kids get away with causing problems.

good luck

Don't tell them what to do.. Let your husband deal with all situations from doing homework to cleaning there room, etc.. Be the fun stepparent. I go to my husband as ask him to tell the kids to clean there messes or brush there teeth. Only say nice things about there mother. Even if there is nothing nice about her. Make sure the kids know you are not trying to take them away from there mother. (by signs, not verbage)Don't be uninvolved, just don't discipline. Offer to help them with homework, etc. Let them help you cook, etc. But dont "make" them do it. Thats your husbands responsibility.

J.,

I know what you are going through. I don't really have time to write a response all down for you but I would be willing to talk to you about it. I was married for 11 years and I have two children of my own and I got remarried 1 year ago and I have 3 step children, ages 10, 7 and 5. Trust me when I say it is not easy. If you decide you want to talk my name is R. you can call me Ren and my number is ###-###-####. Call me anytime after 3:00 when my husband is at work and I can talk more freely. Hope to talk to you soon.

R.

I went through a similar problem. I also had 2 children when my husband joined our family. The best way to resolve or sort of resolve this problem is to not let your children interfere with your relationship. Kids will be kids and they believe that their parents will get back together; often times playing one parent against another. You and your new husband need to stand your ground and talk to them constantly. They will eventually accept you and treat you like a member of the family. Do not get your hopes too high and expect to be one of them as you will at times be at arms length. As they get older they (especially the 5yr old) will grow to love you; talk to you and want you around just as mush as they want their parent. Give them time and help them trust you!!

I know I am running behind in responding but let me put in my four or five cents here. As a step mom for the last two years to a boy and a girl I have some insight....

1. Never talk bad about the other parent. No matter how stupid, ignorant or assinine the bio parent is...you will almost always be second and until they learn better, talking bad will only make you look bad to them. (granted it took me a while to learn this one!!)

2. Do not dicipline in any way that you would not your own biological children. I do not recommend spanking step kids. It will just get you in the spot where you are the bad guy.

3. Do not try to be the kid's "friend" You are a parent. Granted you want to have fun, and you want them to have fun. But being a parent first is always important.

4. Do not buy their love. I thought by buying them darn near anything they wanted. Darn was that a hard one to learn!

5. Respect them as much as you expect them to respect you.

6. If they refuse to respect you, do not accept it as a personal affront to you, they are still children. Make sure that your spouse backs up YOU first, the kids second (unless your doing something obviously wrong)

7. Take time for you and your spouse. Being a step parent is hard, I am a full time step parent as their mom is only in the picture for visitation one day a week and it is hard when I went from not having kids around to having them around 24/7, it was quite a transition and I learned that a good $30 babysitter and a night out with my husband is invaluable.

8. Take time for just yourself. your husband works and leaves you to care for the kids but you too deserve an out. Make sure your keeping in touch with your friends and family and enjoying the alone part of life too!.

Good luck. it's not easy but it get's easier as it goes along

I am in the same situation, however I have two children of my own that are with us 24/7, and their father is not involved. His boys are 11&9, and mine are 10&8. In recent weeks we have decided to bring in some help. I have learned so much in less than 1 month. The most important thing I can tell you is that it takes a very long time to develope a realationship with his kids. The best thing to do is try to be their friends. Absolutley never try to discipline them, leave that to him. Also things he did with his kids before you were together he should still do once or twice a week. IE if he used to take them to the movies,let him still do that alone with them. It is so important! Slowly incorporate your friend and family into their lives. My fianace's boys are with us every Thursday& Friday and then everyother weekend.They too are very close with thier mother. I kid you not even on the weeks they are here with us only for two days, the mom text messages the oldest at least 30 times to check in on us. It is soooooo frustrating, but we are working on it. We can not control her, but we do have house hold rules and responsibilities that have to be followed when the boys are here. We are establishing a rule where there will be no cells phones in the bedrooms, during meal times, or after 8pm. Another good lesson we have learned is to choose your battles.IE,is yelling at them for rolling their eyes really worth it? I would be glad to scan the handouts our counselor gave us and e-mail them to you, if you want to send me your e-mail address. There is loads of information out there for you. Try not to let the other parents influence dictact your opinion of the children, they are the innocent ones in this situation, and know no better. I hope this helps, please feel free to contact me anytime with advise or to vent. I understand how your are feeling.

I am dealing with a stepson (15 in 20 days) as well but in my situation his mother is deceased but great grandparents raised him for about 9 years. He has been living with us for about 6 years now and problems still keep coming from all directions.

I know one thing I have done with him is sit him down and let him know that I will never try to take the place of his mother or mom mom. (what he calls great grandma) I will do my best to be the best mom figure I can be for him. I also told him that once dad and I got married that I was stuck for good. I was not going to leave either of them. I also told him since I have 2 kids (14 1/2 and 11 1/2) of my own and hubby and I have a child (8 1/2) together that no one will be treated differently.

My stepson is continually being told from hubby and I that he is loved by both of us and that with all we have been through and are going through.... if I did not love him that I would have been gone along time ago and he should be thankful that I am not one of those that would leave or be like the step parent steriotype (EVIL and MEAN)..... and believe me we have been through some royal doozies with him.

Things have been bumpy but if you and your hubby can make things strong between the two of you during the times the kids are with their mother it will help with those bumpy times.

It is good that they are loyal to their mom but they need to be reassurred that you are not trying to separate them from their dad. Dad needs to reassure them that he has a big heart. There is room in that heart for everyone and that no one will take their part of his heart. How could they take that part of the heart... the kids were made from part of it.

Oh and by the way, I should tell you that as for the way my 2 girls look to their stepfather..... they call him daddy and their biological father they call him (his middle name and daddy together) that way they can make sure we know which daddy they are talking about. They love my husband so much more and respect him too as they know he loves them and would not take them from their father.

I hope this helps a little and good luck.... if you would like to chat email me ( ____@____.com ) and I would be happy to talk to you.

J.,

Let your step children know that you are not trying to replace their mother but you would like to become their friend and a person that they can depend on if they need help or have questions when they are with you. Don't bribe them but talk to them and maybe and take them to do something fun when they are with you.

If their mom feels threatened about your relationship with her ex or kids, that's your first hurdle, because she can be your worst enemy or greatest ally in dealing with step kids. I know - I've been there. Until she understood that I had no intention of replacing her, I was a threat in her world. She and the step kids all need to be TAUGHT (and it will be a true exercise in patience), mostly through your behavior and example, that your goal is to be the children's friend - just one more person in their lives who loves them and who they can count on for unconditional (yet appropriate) support. It's not easy to bond with step kids that old, and I have no doubt that you will cry yourself to sleep. Try finding out what their interests are, especially if there is anything they are really passionate about. Then educate yourself about those subjects and let them know in small ways that you encourage and support their interests, and if they ever should like you to help them, you'll be there in a heartbeat. Your husband needs to completely back you up, and learn to take potentially inflammatory remarks and behavior from his children and analyze it to discover if they are just trying to cause problems, or have a real issue. As parents, we tend to want to get in our kids' corner - he will have to learn to be more objective until things stabilize more - and so will you.

But the real bottom line is - I suspect that the children need to understand that their Dad loves them just the same, that their Mom loves them just the same, and that you aren't going to do anything to jeopardize that. They need you to be the epitome of love and patience. I won't kid you, it won't be easy. But, "by small and simple things are great things brought to pass." Don't give up and pray A LOT!

Best wishes to you
D.

I don't have step children, but I almost did a year ago, four of them, including a little girl who missed her mom dearly. Children are children and in order to deal with that you have to come down to their level to understand them, and then be an adult about it and let them know that while you don't expect them to love you, you do expect respect. Talk to your husband, you should be a team. Lots of patience and don't jump to conclussions. Don't take what they say personally. If they have confessed to stirring up things to creat problems, don't expect this to end the day they admitted to it. While they were probably sorry, it doesn't always mean they want to stop. Some times they may even do it without realizing it. Always, before you jump to conclussions, talk to your husband and get the facts straight. The kids will see that you really are a team, that you really love each other, and that just like you got all the facts between the two of you, you will also try to get the facts that happen in their lives. They will see you as a strong person and trust you in their own issues. And of course, never talk bad about their mom, no matter what. This will show them that you have respect for people, and they will have it for you. AND they won't have anything to rub on your face later on.

Good luck.

J.,
Maybe you could take a day where just you and the 2 step children go out for lunch and a movie. At lunch you coul just have an open conversation, you could start by saying how much their dad means to you and that your not trying to replace or take over their mom's spot. You could ask them what bothers them about you? You could continue to assure them, that this is a big change, but you want to work with them and not against them. I've always explained to my 4 kids and my husband that communication is key to any relationship! Good Luck! A. G

Be patient. Try being their friend(not cool LOL) & not their "new mom" that is what they are threatened by.Be fair with all childen & make sure both you & your husband are on the same page with rules & discipline. Be firm & not a pushover. Show them love. Take them to do special things they like to do with you 1 on 1 to create a bond or friendship etc. Make sure the kids do not hear anything of what is said of their mother betwenn you & hubby. You & hubby are on the same side. Make sure it is not the kids point of view "Us against her". It will take time. The movie "Stepmom" with Julia Roberts gives inspiration. Good Luck! =D