Dealing with Negative Husband

I am very concerned about this. Your husband obviously has some issues. This is really his problem. I am assuming you have asked him to go to counseling? He needs to go on his own and you two need to go to marriage counseling. If he will not go, you need to go on your own and figure out what is the best way to handle this.

Your daughter does not deserve this EVER! Imagine if someone else treated her or spoke to her like this? What would you do?

His comments are totally unacceptable. He must stop this now. Speak with him and once again explain that you are not a trained teacher and you do not feel you are the person that your child needs to help her reach her full academic potential. She is obviously thriving. He should be pleased.

I know there is no way I could have given my daughter the excellent education she received in public school. My daughter is a National Merit Scholar and now attends an Ivy League College on a Academic Scholarship. We are in awe of her determination, her ability to get along with all types of people and her ability to handle all types of teaching styles and techniques.

Your husband is coming from some place that does not represent what your daughter is experiencing. You need to protect her from this.

You need to set up an appointment in the morning for yourself to get help and insist he get help ASAP to find out why he is so angry. I am sending you good thoughts and strength.

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Your hubby sounds a lot like mine, although they have opposite opinions about schooling...my husband thinks homeschooling is ludicrous and wouldn't even consider the possibility of homeschooling our 3 girls. I am a SAHM so I thought it was worth at least thinking about, seeing as I know several homeschoolers who do a fantastic job and have well-mannered, polite and well-educated children...however, I also know some who don't do such a great job and are raising children in a bubble with no social skills at all. So kudos to you for realizing your limitations! Not everyone can be so honest with themselves--it takes courage. I wish your husband could see that. I think you should consider counseling. If you could find a good male counselor, you might find that your husband listens to him in a way that he won't listen to you. I say male because your husband sounds pretty old-fashioned and I suspect that the same words coming from a woman just wouldn't carry the same weight. My husband is a 'yeller' and is very negative; my girls are all fairly sensitive, like me, and so we have a lot of problems in our household. I have to sit him down every so often and explain to him that he is ruining his relationship with his children, and is that what he really wants? He is constantly telling me that 'someone needs to discipline them' (insinuating that I don't), which always puzzles me because they are so incredibly GOOD and all I ever really have to do is talk to them...sometimes in a stern voice if they are really just not listening or being stubborn, but I never have to raise my voice to get them to comply. I think my husband just thinks negative discipline and punishment are part of raising children and if you don't do it then you aren't doing everything a parent should do. I have yet to truly convince him otherwise but he seems to be slowly coming 'round. He does occasionally compliment me and tell me that our children are lucky to have me for a mom so he obviously can see that there is a difference between positive parenting and negative parenting, he just hasn't quite figured out how to apply it to himself yet. But I will keep working on it and I hope you will too. My kids love their dad in spite of his faults and I'm sure yours do too! Communication is the key. It is scary sometimes to tell a very negative and controlling man how you feel but we have to be brave for our children. Another key is choosing to talk at the appropriate time...it is almost never a good idea to discuss these things in the 'heat of the moment,' when he is already upset about something. I tried emailing my husband--he told me afterwards that he didn't like it, but it did open up the lines of communication and get us talking. It is helpful for me if I can back up my ideas with expert opinions and statistics, so a little research helps. Also, a parenting class could do wonders for both of you! Just keep in mind that you need to protect your daughter so do whatever you can to achieve that goal. Good luck!

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Well this is a tough one. I haven't faced it yet, but we already talk a lot about which route we are going to go when our son is school age. I really don't have a total answer for you, sorry! But the one thing I do know is that the absolute best thing for your daughter is that her parents walk in unity as a couple. When my husband and I were in marriage couseling we were told something that has really stuck with me and really made a difference in our lives. We were told that some times unity is more important even than the right decision. Unity in marriage is a might force upon the earth! Ultimately things always get straightened out, but coming together in agreement is step one. I will not pressume to tell you exactly how to handle this situation, but I will say that praying about it is a great start. Not to say you haven't already!! :) Sometimes I just say "God fix him or fix me, but get this mess straightend out!" Also, open your heart to the possibility you are wrong. Please understand, I am not saying you are. But if you just keep your heart open to that possibility it will really help your in your conversations with your husband. My hubby responds really poorly when he feels his concerns are not being considered. I hope that helps a little!! Hang in there and I wish you the absolute best!

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I would suggest to him that he take some time to go to the school to help in her classes like you are so that he can see for himself what you see. There are programs where the dads come into the classrooms and help out. Kids will pick up things from others, it is just a way of life, but it is not all negative. When something negative happens, it has to be explained to your child what is acceptable and not acceptable by you as their parents. It is no different than a child watching things on tv and having to explain we do not say those words at home, etc.

I wish you luck,
D.

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Have him go to the school and see for himself. If this does not work he also needs to have a talk with someone professional.

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I hate to say it but your husband does sound very controling! It seems that he cares more about getting his own way than he does about nurturing, and loving his family. I guess if she is an only child, and you are a stay at home mom, you could offer to work part time to pay for her private education, or ask him if he would like to take on a 2nd job to pay for it. I too ( like another poster) wonder if it is an education issue, or a control issue! Please try to make him see that he is being disrespectful to you and your daughter. he will lose the love of both of you, if he doesn't find a compromise! Best of luck, S.

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Hi J.-

I'm going to take a slightly different approach from the other moms and say that your husband has probably just been scared by things he has seen on TV about some public schools or perhaps even things that happened in his schools when he was young. He thinks he is protecting his daughter from all of the "ills of society" by keeping her homeschooled. First he needs to get into the school so that the image of what he thinks is going on can be replaced by a true picture of your daughter's school. Second he needs to realize that your daughter will come into contact with things that you wish she wouldn't regardless of her schooling. This will happen through TV, friends, school, sometimes even just walking through a store. It's your job as parents to teach her how to deal with these things as she gets older. Isolating her from the world is not the answer. I think when you two discuss this you need to start with what you agree on. You agree that you want the best education possible for your daughter and you agree that you want her to be safe and happy. Explain why you feel her public school is the answer and let him explain why he feels it is not. The important thing here is that he needs to know about HER school, not just some generalizations that he has formulated about public schools. He needs to get involved and see what the school is like before he could possibly know whether it is good for her or not. Lastly he needs to realize that there are brilliant successful people that come out of public, private and home school environments. Just as there are some not so successful people that come out of each as well. The type of schooling that a child receives just offers different opportunities, it's up to the child and the parent to take advantage of those educational opportunities and be successful.

Good Luck,
K.

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I myself was homeschooled as a kid. I have a similar thing to where my parents say I should homeschool my 8yr son. I have considered it, but I have a 2 1/2yr girl and a 9month baby girl at home and I cant even do all I need to do in a day, then add teaching. no way! But all parents "homeschool" its the act(or lack of)of being involved with your kids education!
Being at the school you are able to see what is going on and that is the main part to me! I cant volunteer but I go once a week to have lunch! You need to really sit down with your husband and find out what his concerns are! Marriage is all about both giving in to make it work for both. Maybe work something out with him that maybe in Jr high when it really bad then you'll homeschool or some schools can give you the
work to do at home, but look in to a homeschool group maybe
tell your husband you need to research some more first. But
I think if you really talk it out, maybe get a neutral 3rd party to be present, I would hope he would stop taking it on her then. He's really just throwing a fit.

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Morning J.;

I'm sorry your husband has that attitude! It is his problem but the bad thing is how he is making his daughter feel!

I think that maybe a face to face with your daughters teacher and your husband is in order! More than likely it
will not result in a change of thought for him, but, it just
might!

I feel that it may actually be that he feels bad that he can not make enough money to send his daughter to a private school so he turns it around and blames you and the school system for his lack of ability!
Good Luck,
B. C.

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It sounds like you are in a very scary situation. IF your husband is this controling in everything it sounds abusive to me. As far as public verses private schools, I am a school photographer and am in different schools every day. I have seen excellent public schools and horrible private ones and vice versa. Your involvement in your child's school is probably more important than anything else. If your husband is so hung up on the status symbol of private schooling, he needs to get his act in gear and earn enough to afford the tuition. His behavior would be completely unacceptable in a student let alone an adult.

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Wow, you need to get to the root of this with him. Did he have a bad experience with public school himself? Have you taken him to the school and shown him all the good things you have seen. He has to stop this NOW! Can you get him to accept family counseling for this? You're very wise to deal with this right away.

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Hi J.,

So sorry to hear what you're going thru. Your husband sounds like a schmuck - sorry to be so straight forward. I just wanted to tell you that I am certified to teach EC - 4th grade. I too realized that I am not disciplined enough to homeschool. My daughter is almost 4 and attends school 3 days out of the week for a couple of reasons. 1. I think it's good for kids to be in a separate, more formal environment than home. They learn a lot from the experience of being around other kids, learning how to be socially with them, how to act with authority figures, etc. They need to be around people with whom they do not have a familial relationship. And 2. I always have a million other things I need to do and my daughter would suffer being at home. I was terrible. She would play by herself for a good hour or two, but then wanted to interact with me and of course I would try to squeeze in one more errand or chore and then the day was gone. And I don't let her watch much tv at all, so she would get bored eventually. She is much happier where she is and i get a lot done as well so that when she does get home we have a great time together.

Just FYI, my husband is a professor, and he has a colleague who's children all went to public school (in San Marcos, TX). All of his children went on to do amazing things. Some were taking junior level classes at TSU while still in highschool and another received a scholarship to Harvard, OK?? So kids can do well in the public school, but it requires parental intervention and attention, which it sounds as though that's what you're doing.

Best of luck to you. Tell him to pick on someone his own size!

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Happily married Mama of 2? I am sorry but I don't think you are happily married if you have to constantly go through this with your husband. That is showing total disrespect to you and your daughter. There is nothing wrong with public schools. Sure you hear some bad stories but school is what you, the teacher, your child and your husband make it. He should be supportive and encourage her and be involved, not sit there and critize her for going to public school. If he is so adamant about her going to private school then tell him to figure out a way to pay for it or get a second job to pay for it. It is not your childs friends that are the problem. It is how you raise your children, love them and how much interest you take in them and the examples you set that will make your child survive in this world. Remember parents like it or not are role models to their children and they learn what they hear and see. If your husband continues this he is only going to brainwash your daughter on how bad public school is and then she won't care to excel. Shame on him. I can fully understand why you don't want to home school. It is not easy to do and home schooling does not guarantee your child will learn correctly or learn different social skills. It takes a lot of time to home school and then they are not around other children to learn how to deal with other people or learn all the people skills needed to survive. You continue to support your daughter and be involved and tell your husband he needs to do the same as you two are going to make it a wonderful experience with or without him. I also agree with others that he will regret it in the future if he does not. But that is for him to figure out in the future when his daughter has no respect for him. Good luck to you and stick to your guns. There is nothing wrong with public schools.

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Can't wait to read the responses but my first reaction is WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tell your husband to make more money so you can afford private school. Better yet quit his job you go to work and let him homeschool!!!!!!!! I went to private school from K-college. Doesn't mean I am more educated it just is what it is. My parents struggled and it was good for me. We still did all the same teenage stuff public school kids did. My kids are attending public school and are very smart and well rounded. Your child sounds like she is doing well and you being involved is fantastic. Something tells me if you were to homeschool her he would find fault and if she attended private school he would find fault somewhere with you or your daughter. He needs to grow up. Good luck to you - please don't let your husband make you feel like a failure and especially your daughter. It seems like he could benefit from counseling!!!

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Your husband needs someone to explain to him what his comments are doing to his daughter. He would never do
it if he understood. He is giving education a very
bad experience for his precious little girl. Not everyone
should be homeschooled, and only by parents that are highly
motivated and equipped to do so. Lots of luck to your
family.

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Hi,

You say that you are "happily married"...not sure how you define what "happily married" is but it appears that there is a big communication gap between you and your husband which is not healthy.

Have you asked your husband WHY he has this strong opinion? If he is not willing to sit down and talk with you (notice tht I said "with you", not "TO you") about this very important subject, then there is something bigger that needs to be addressed. There may be "old" stuff from his childhood days that haven't been resolved and is still controlling him (whether he realizes it or not).

His venting out at your daughter is not healthy for anyone, particularly your daughter. This may only be one example that has surfaced so far. Need to nip this in the butt now before major damage is done to her.

Yesterday in church, the sermon my pastor gave focused on "guarding your heart". We must guard our hearts, for it is the wellspring of life.

Matthew 15:18 states "But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart." THIS IS SO TRUE!!

I pray that you and your husband will calmly talk to each other about this topic (as well as all other things in your marriage) since it is SO IMPORTANT! Children are like sponges so everything they hear and SEE will be implanted in their minds.

I wish you the very best always. Please keep us updated if you can.

K.

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Excuse my language. Your ignorant husband should stay home and home-school your daughter. He's talking plenty of bs for someone who can't afford private school. Where does he expect her to go to get her education. And if he keeps talking down to her he's going to have plenty of heartache later. She won't have any respect for him; and don't let her think it's ok for daddy to take his frustration out on her by you not saying anything constructive in front of her to him. Hope everything works out.

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Has he been to the school? Tell him to go to school with her so he can see how it is for himself.

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It seems to me that you and your husband need to work on your relationship. You decided that you knew better than he and made a major decision totally in the opposite direction of his desires. He unfortunately, feels threatened & is taking it out on your daughter, because he dare not mess with you. You two need some time on your own that you can work things out and get on the same page. You both need time to pray about this, look at the reality of the situation and see both sides of the argument using real information not just dreams. But take the time to acknowledge that the dream your husband had for this area of life is being crushed. You had great fears with home schooling, he has the same for public school. You need to acknowledge this and figure out how to calm his fears and give him the hope that once again he will be the head of his household as you make decisions TOGETHER, or he is going to continue to be bitter as you usurp his leadership and opinions.
We do homeschool, but in this case I'm not advocating that. I am trying to point you in the direction of agreement, which I think is more important than where you send your child to school.
Hope you get that time together and come to consensus.

I understand your frustration. I home school and it seems like as soon as everything gets going in a smooth routine, something happens. I may get pregnant or have an ill child or perhaps my computer breaks (this is a big deal for a our home school). One thing that I did is joined the home school group PACES (www.pacesinfo.org). This is a home school facilitating group. They make your lesson plans and book lists, EVERYTHING. They even have real classes one day a week (Tuesday in the Spring area). I think you can do this! Your husband will be happy (with home school), your daughter will be happy (with friends), and I think you will be happy too.

Does your husband think that he is better than everyone else, that he is better than having a daughter in public school?

His comments are going to create a little girl who thinks SHE is better than her classmates. And, when she gets older others will not like her or want to be around her because HE will have created an attitude in her that she thinks everyone is beneath her. Is that the type of child you want to have a part in raising?

1. You need to do some research on the internet of prominent, influential, wealthy people who were educated in public schools and present him with this information.

2. You need to insist that he take a day off here and there to visit your daughter's school or volunteer. Then maybe he will see how much your daughter enjoys it and is truly in the best learning environment.

Thank you Mel R.... If he wants her home schooled he can do it himself. But when your daughter has no social skills he'll have no one else to blame (though he'll try) There are a lot of people who say counseling.... I'm so mad for you I say he needs a good swift kick in the pants first and foremost!!!!!

Hello J.! I have an almost 9 year old in public school and I am on the PTA board, volunteer and even employed there. I often thought about homeschool, went to alot of meetings, etc. I really learned that taking our children out of school is not the best answer. You take away the creative part of learning they get at school. All the beautiful art that comes along with their lessons. Teachers are very creative and you have to be. Learning should be fun. Staying home with mom and dad every day is not fun!! We all have to grow up and be around adults we may not like or not like their behavior but thats life and we all have to experience it; good and bad. Thats how we learn right from wrong. Homeschool children act just like public school children because they are all kids and all kids act up and throw fits. My child is a straight A, but he gets in a bad mood sometime don't we all. Maybe this will help with what to tell your husband. B.

I'm with Judy and Karen (an many others) on this. He cannot blame the public school system. Especially in front of her! It will make her feel bad about her schooling and her education. I know your husband values a good education, but what he is doing could hurt your daughters motivation.

Also, he may not realize it, but he is teaching your daughter to blame others for her behavior! If she sees/ hears things she knows are not wholesome, she has to learn to dismiss those things and not repeat them. That is a process. Unless she is going to live like a hermit in the desert, all kids have to learn self-control and to resist peer influences.

My kids went to private school in middle school. Some kids use the same curse words and show the same disrespect there that my kids see in public high school now. Kids in private school steal, tell lies and cheat, too. Using those instances as teachable moments to teach values and morals is much better than trying to hide her at home for years.

I agree: your husband needs to visit or help out at the school, and if you can't work thru this, seek help from a pastor or a counselor. There are some blaming issues going on....your husband may need a 3rd party to explain to him that his frustration is creating problems, not solving them.

Your daughter should be the most precious person in her father's eyes and he should make it known to her every minute he can, every day, every hour, every breath he takes should be a positive loving comment to her, otherwise, she will be trying to get some guy's attention in a negative manner when she gets older. He needs help to understand his actions are going to backfire when she turns 12 or 13 or younger. Sounds like he tries to get his way by making you and your daughter feel 'small'. There must be a way to compromise. Has he been to the school to see her friends and speak with the teacher?
Through experiences with our daughter who is now 22, I've learned that girls need a positive strong male role model when they are young to set the foundation for their relationships, girlfriends and boyfriends, as they get older. They need to know they are the most important person in their father's eyes, that he would do anything for her, that she is the most beautiful, smart, successful person he knows. She needs to know without a doubt that she is more important than the air he breathes or she will be looking for attention from wherever she can get it and he may not like where she goes to get it.

Is your husband a bully every time he doesn't get his way? This is bullying, and is no way to treat a wife or a daughter.

I agree with the others that he should go to the school and see if for himself. If he has concerns about what he finds there, he or the two of you together can make an appointment to discuss the concerns with the teacher.

Can you ask him calmly to not speak negatively about the school experience to your daughter? If she keeps hearing that what she loves and excells at is bad she will soon believe that she is bad. Kids live up to what their parents expect of them. If she believes that her dad expects her to be a "nasty public school kid", she can turn in to that for him.

I think this is a much bigger problem than school.

He should recognize that she is getting a great education and focus on the positives and benefits. I can't believe that he would rather his wife (who obviously knows she is not the best person to educate her child effectively) educate their daughter and do a dis-service to her than put her in a good public school. You need to tell him that you are disappointed in HIM and that until he can either afford to put her in private school or he can home school her himself that he needs to just put up or shut up! He is being this way toward your daughter because he figures he will where you both down and get her to dislike going to public school and she will want out. You need to tell him to stop taking out his fears and anxieties on the 5 year old-it is immature and makes him look insecure!

PS, don't have anymore kids with him until his attitude changes.

Maybe since you have been working along side her teacher and can see what a positive environment she is in, he can do the same. Have him take a day off and help chaparone a field trip or come eat lunch at his daughters school. Work in the classroom or anything that his schedule allows. Have your daughter sit down and draw a picture of her class to show your husband and have HER tell him how much she enjoys class. Also maybe he can come to the parent/teacher conference and get some reassurances there. The only way to change his mind about public school is to get him there and involved as much as possible. Until then, he needs to know that he can voice his opinions to you but NEVER voice those kind of things to your daughter. Good luck to you!

You need to sit down and talk to him calmly and show him all the improvements she's made. Ask him to take a day and volunteer and see her and how she excels. Do everything possible, without nagging or accusing, to get him to realize how great she's doing. Be strict to discipline at home so he doesn't have that to blame. But, in the end, you might have to homeschool to make him happy. Try everything else you can think of first. Your home being at peace and your marriage happy are more important for your daughter than the type of her education. Try to change his mind, but follow his lead. Also, explain to him that his anger should be directed at you, not his daughter. It's not his daughter's fault. He needs to realize that he will only alienate her and I'm sure that's not what he wants. What he wants is his daughter safe at home. He feels disrespected by his wife. I'm not taking his side!!! I'm for you on this one. But, it will help you approach him if you know how he feels.

I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles. You could try to tell him that if he continues to blame her friends then she will do the same when she does something wrong. He shouldn't threaten to take her out of public school though.
Good luck and God bless