Dealing with My Future Mil Not Accepting Me

I had a tough time with my mother in love for the first 10 yrs. She had a really hard time with sharing the people that she loved. I will tell you this, she was on her third wife with my husbands brother, and because we lived so far away she didn't want to connect with me. Let me give you some insight... before you walk down the aisle she will not even begin to accept you because your commitment to her son is not binding in her eyes. Then you will have to love up on her to win her over. It will take time. Unfortunately you are going to have to wade through the sins of the first wife and the rememberances of your youth. Especially where you are both divorced. In her mind it is a protection against heartbreak again. She doesn't trust your fiance to get it right eother. You just need to hang in there and see her stuff as her stuff. That is why I call my mother in law my mother in love, because it took alot of unconditional love to win her over. try not to see everything as a personal hardship or a judgement but realize how terribly worried she is for her family. Oh and if there is no reason to put off the wedding, you might want to make your family official sooner than later. It will ease her mind a bit, but hey if you know you are meant to be why wait...? Just my toey opinion. Listen i know it's hard to see it from the other side of the yard, but it will work out and she will see clearly. Mine did and the sad thing is that we only have had six really good years. She has cancer of the brain and won't be with us much longer. I hope you are able to borrow a little something from my experience.
M.

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My heart goes out to you! It sounds like you have been trying to be the bigger person and just not "react" to what she says/does. There are certain things that as DIL's we seem to have to deal with but one thing I would NEVER accept/tolerate is her disrespecting me infront of my children. I would sit down with your hubby and talk to him because he needs to be on the same page with you. You will never get her to understand that unless he backs you 100%. That is such a tough situation and would be very hard not to just zing her back with comments.

Good luck to you and hang in there!

1 mom found this helpful

Oh W. - some mothers-in-law are the pits, huh?

My husband and I have been together for over 19 years - 15+ of those have been married. And my mother-in-law still treats me like I don't exist.

At holidays, she wants to do everything herself. It's also an ego thing. If she spends a week cooking for Thanksgiving, you've GOT to compliment her. So, every year, I ask if there is anything I can do/bring to make things easier for her. Since my father-in-law passed away, she has let me bring something. But then she will go to my husband and ask him to bring something else totally different - like what? Maybe we don't talk? Ok, to be fair - she usually asks hubby to bring wine - but he works full time and I'm a SAHM, so I'm the one actually out getting the dang wine!

That's just one little thing she does. So, I totally understand where you are with this. I limit my exposure to her. My husband goes over every weekend to see her and do her "man chores" for her. I go on Sunday - after the baby has had her nap and only for a few hours.

I know that in my situation, there is no happy ending. So, I guess you'll have to figure out how important her approval is. If your father-in-law is good, focus on that - I did. Limit your time with her and the things you are willing to do to humor her and stroke her ego. Tell your man where the line is and you and he discuss it so it won't be a surprise to him. Don't limit his time with her if he wants more than you do.

Those are my suggestions. I can't say I'm happy with my situation, but I can live with this much better than I can live with the results of my having a fit! I know that's not super helpful, but it's what I've got.

Good luck!

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W.,
I can totally relate to what you are dealing with. Let me first say i am very sorry!! When I was with my husband, well before we got married, I met my MIL. She didn't like me or my child and it showed. She would favor all of the other grandkids and totally ignore mine. I finally looked at my soon to be husband and said I am leaving and i will never return to this house again! He pulled me aside and asked what happen so I told him. I started to walk out of the house when i heard him say to her "Mom this is the woman I am going to marry and this is the son I am going to raise. If you don't treat them right then you are not welcome in their life or mine!" She quickly came around..... and when my husband and I were breaking up 5 years later.... it was his mom who tried to keep us together. Letting me know I was the best thing that ever happen to him.

It will take sometime.... but your soon to be husband needs to stand up to his mother and put his foot down!

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Oh, sweetheart - my heart hurts for you. I remember trying so hard to please my own MIL without success. It sounds like you've done all you can and there just isn't any pleasing her. I'm willing to bet this coldness toward you has nothing at all to do with you. My recommendation? Keep "killing her with kindness" and leave the rest to her. Let go of as much as you can by taking it to Someone who can take it all. And realize that you can't change her. As for your fiance, he needs to decide whether or not you are important enough to him to stand up for. If you aren't, as much as you love him and his sons, perhaps this isn't the man for you.

All the best to you and your family, W.. Hang in there!

~ R.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi W.,

This is pretty much what I have experienced with my MIL. We had not been previously married or had any previous kids, so my siuation differs alittle from yours. But the cutting and insulting remarks are meant to hurt and they do!!! After about 4 years, my husband slowly began to come around and the only thing that helped us was him talking with his mom and dad, saying I was his wife and he was not going to except them talking or treating me that way anymore. They continued and now they do not see us or the kids at all. It has been about 7 months since we have had anything to do with them. I think that we have an extreme situation, I'm sure if your fiancee had this dicussion with her/them the behavior would change. Most people will do it until confronted about it. Cheers to you for homeschooling and it sounds like you guys are blending your family very well!! Keep your head up and remeber somtimes certain remarks come from jealousy and they are not true at all. I would strongly suggest your soon to be hubby lays down the line and puts up some neccesary walls to protect you and all of your kids. Good luck! Email me anytime if you want to talk. :)

K.

1 mom found this helpful

W.,

I've had some 'unacceptance' from my hubby's family too. I won't go into details, it isn't needed. You've got some good advice already - but I wanted to say that your husband really needs to be the one to speak with his parents - specifically mom. He has to let them know that he has chosen you, that he loves you and that you will be his wife and that they (she) needs to accept this and be respectful to the mother of his children (yes - his children in this blended family) and he has to be very clear about it. He also needs to be the one to say - you either accept this and respect my choices and my partner, or you will no longer have to be in contact with us. This isn't just important for you - it is important for your children. They need to see you respected by your partner and by other adults in the family. If the other adults in the family do not respect you - it could transfer to them - not only with them not respecting you - but their self esteme. It would be wise for your guy to point that out as well. State that only those who respect our family and teach our children to respect adults are permitted contact with our children. Then the choice is up to his mom. If she doesn't respect you in your home and around the children - then she doesn't get visits with the children. It's a hard thing to do - but it has to be done.

I wish you the best with this.

I feel for you. I was in a similar situation with my MIL. Although, this was our first marriage, my MIL hated me. She thought I was taking away her son. She showed up to the wedding, only because of my FIL. She was unbearable, wouldn't help, refused to talk to my family or I. It wasn't until we became pregnant with our son did she finally warm up. I think she needed to find that bond and realize that I was not stealing her son. Now we are good friends and talk on the phone regularly.

Hopefully, that's all your MIL needs; to find that bond. She may think that your stealing him away. She could be thinking that she had her little boy back and now you are standing between them. I do think that your finance' needs to stand up for you. You are the women in his life, and your MIL needs to understand that she needs to learn to share him again.

BTW, don't take anything she says personally. You already realize what she is trying to do, so don't let your emotions get the best of you, no matter how much it may hurt. Her own insecurities are why she says what she says. Your are a better women.

Dear W.,
It sounds awful. I am having trouble trying to get my husband and my parents to accept each other. My husband is positive that my parents bully me and they are pretty sure that it is the other way round. Between them I get a fair bit of stick! Your situation sounds rather worse, however. My opinion is that if this woman doesn't want to accept you, she won't, no matter how wonderful you are (and I bet you are!) Tough for her. Perhaps when she says something hurtful you might feel up to saying "I find that hurtful", and leave it at that. And I want to recommend that you stop trying to get along with her, although I'm thinking that would be harder to do than to say! Point is, you're great, she's crackers. Her loss. Best wishes!

My family had a similiar experience with my dad's family growing up. My dad adopted my sister, me and brother when we were 9,3,2. He was the only father I've ever known, or wanted to know. He gave us his lastname. His name is on my birth certificate. By all legal rights he is my father, but that was never good enough for his family. I grew up with my cousin (my dad's nephew) We are only 2 months apart, so we were in the same class. When I was young, he told me that I would never be apart of his family because my father wasn't my biological father (and appearently that is all that mattered to them) It caused a lot of trouble in my parents' relationship at first. I think dad felt guilty and mom felt unwanted. My parents were married for 25 years, when my died. At his funeral, my aunts were still calling me his step-daughter. Maybe she'll come around, and maybe she wont. Just keep doing what you're doing and make a happy/healthy family. You owe this woman nothing. Who is she to question your kids to check on their progress? Maybe a little time away from the kids will help remind her who the mother and father are.

God bless you. I think your boyfriend-hope soon husband needs to stand up for you and put his mom in her place. It is not up to you to live up to her standards. Marriage would help define comittment. This boyfriend needs to determine the future for you and the kids. The mom needs counseling too but it would be up to her son to initiate it with him. I wish you the best. If you have a church please seek help from them. Ask God and look in scripture for your help in responding to her. Say nothing that will give her a chance to respond negatively. Maybe a lunch date with her one-on-one to determine what she has against you--clear the air and put her on the spot. Ask your mate for help in the approach. Hope this encourages you

Hi W.,

I have a mother in law from hell too. I've been together with my husband for going on 16 years now, and she still hasn't fully excepted me. The best advice I can give you is to tell him how much it hurts your feelings when his mom does this, and that you love him and would never accept this behavior torwards him from anyone in your family. It worked for me, well we ended up moving 400 miles from her. But they still talk everyday. Now when we go visit she is well behaved. For the sake of the kids don't make it a bigger deal. In the end you and him are FAMILY with your children, and YOU choose who, when, where, and what. If she doesn't like it, she will have to learn to behave. Don't power trip, just realize if what you have is worth it, He should understand. She will always be his mother so he needs to put her in her place. Don't let her belittle you, if she sees it working she won't stop. I'm sure I speak for alot of the women on here by saying, "Stand your ground, we've got your back."

I am kind of struggling with the same thing (long story blah blah blah) :) I know this is gonna sound strange but honestly you have to change it in your head first instead of thinking of her as checking in on you to see if you are raising the kids right think of it as her loving all the kids so much and loving her son so very much and start giving her compliments make a goal everyday to give her a compliment and make it sincire there has to be something you like about her anything even if it is as simple as "I like your earrings" I know this sounds crazy but do it and all of these things get better just start thinking differently as hard as it may be. Good luck and god bless you I would love to hear if you use this method! ____@____.com

Hi W.,

I think the best advice I can give you from my experience is to be up front with her. Take her to lunch like you did you father-in-law and let her know how you feel. I think this will help a lot. My mother-in-law and I get along great, and I think that's because I'm honest with her and she respects that. She never gets in the middle of my husband and I's relationship because my husband also lets her know its not her place. My father-in-law is also great because of this reason... they know their place. I hope this helps.

I have the same problem with my mother- the way she treats my husband at times. She didn't used to see us at all, until we had grandkids. Now she has attempted to be more civil and stop the comments, because, I as her daughter told her, as long as you disrespect my husband to his face or in front of the kids, this is he way it is going to be. So there were no visits or phone calls AT ALL.
When kids get to be teenagers, they have enough problems with respect and what not. We didn't want my mother's influence to be harmful, you know, telling them things they didn't need to know or trying to skew their image of us to win their favor. It has been done before. My Mom is a neat lady, but that behavior is harmful, and she turned herself around when she realized I was dead serious. I think it took about a year of emphasizing the respect and not being able to 'visit' before she changed. I was not angry or spiteful when I drew the line- it was he hardest thing I have ever done, because my Mom is one of those ladies who are passionate about her kids, and gets very emotionally involved.
I was very respectful about it, and she said she understood, and then we didn't hear from her for a while. A few weeks later she called, made a few complaints about what I had said, and I started o say good-bye, and she decided to change the subject. A few months went by, and she started to be careful with her remarks and attitude around my husband. We married at 19 in the Army. He was not the guy she thought I should marry.:) So I do understand. Your husband needs to be the one to face his Mom respectfully and defend you to her- otherwise it will not stop. If you defend yourself, this will only get messier. Hopefully he is on board with that.

You can't please people who don't want to be pleased. the important thing is that you don't let it stress you out. The persons you have to please yourself, the dad, your children, and God.

I took my youngest out of public school and homeschooled. He is now 24. He wanted to go back to public school for high school for all of the activities. He was in special ed classes and gifted classes when I took him out. He had a deciphering disability so reading was very hard for him. But he was very smart. when he returned to public school he refused to have any LD classes or labels. He would have still qualified. He graduated with honors. I remember the day when he looked at me and said. "imagine what I would have been able to achieve if we had really worked hard."

There is great benifit to your children seeing how you solve problems and My mother-in-law would go so far as to scream at me in public that I was ruining my son's life. But when he graduated with such distinction she simply stated, "I knew he could do it." You can't win this battle. so don't fight concentrate on the blessings you have at home.

After my son returned to public school I became a teacher. trust me half of public school is lion taming and crowd control. I teach math and chemistry at the high school level. You children probably would only get about 3hours per day of quality education. You are doing fine. Plus the children have the advantage of having curriculum geared to their learning styles and interest.

Don't get discouraged. also the public school system has to supply you with resourses and the availability of benchmark tests if you wish.

You will do fine

DE Swanson

I also like what Shelby and Amy P had to say.
I think making the MIL secure in herself and her caring is awesome, you do get more bees with honey than bitterness and hurt. Do your best not to let her get to you but even as I say this I know it is so hard, let me share what I have seen with someone I know:

Have you ever heard the phrase that you marry the family. It may not get any better if you marry and you have to realize this is what you may deal with all your married life. I know someone whose mother in law has caused them problems all their married life. She has not been happy the whole time because of the mother in law. Had she realized the mother in law was so possessive it would have clued her in that the son was a spoiled rotten mama's boy. Had she realized how bad it would get- I don't think she would have married him. I really feel for her because it has been going on 17 years. Really think and pray about this situation and how it will continue to and how it is affecting the children and yourself. Also, about the living together- think about the fact if you would want any of your kids doing that. Maybe that is part of what is bothering the mom, maybe she doesn't like the message it is sending to her grandkids. I know as a mom I wouldn't like that even knowing my kids are engaged. How was she before you were living together towards you - was she always rude to you. Does your financee seem happy?

I think it's great you are homeschooling and that your kids are asking questions and you are having fun with it. You have to evaluate the whole situation and accept the fact that it may not ever get better, it may be that in her eyes noone is good enough for her son, maybe it has nothing to do with you. If this is the case, you may always have problems with her. Is he an only child???

I wish you only the best. I think you would be better off without living together first and getting reacquainted with one another again and see how the mom responds. Maybe she would respect you more that way.

Please remember and take one thing seriously KNOW what you are getting into. As I stated before it may not get any better, you can pray about it, and change your attitude and things about yourself and kids (if that is what you want) but you can never change her. Only God can change someone's heart. I will pray for you and your family W..

One last important thing - DOES HE STICK UP FOR YOU??? THIS IS SO IMPORTANT BECAUSE IF HE DOESN'T YOU MAY EVENTUALLY RESENT HIM. IF HE DOESN'T STICK UP FOR YOU NOW THERE IS NO GUARANTEE HE EVER WILL. HE NEEDS TO BE STRONG ENOUGH TO STAND UP TO MOM AND LET HER KNOW THAT YES, HE IS HAPPY AND IT WAS HIS CHOICE AND TO STOP BEING SO DISRESPECTFUL OF YOU.

Take care,
K.

I would first talk to your husband, if you haven't already. If he doesn't confront her, I would. Something like, "Look, I understand that you're concerned for your son and grandchildren, but I'm here to stay and I will not let you bully me and demean me. It would be a shame for you to lose touch with them because you can't compromise and treat me in a civil manner." Sometimes people like this just need to be shown that you're not a pushover. At best, you'll earn her respect and she'll back off. At worst, she'll continue to make comments and at least you've said your peace and can remind her, "I won't be spoken to like that, please leave." Or you leave, whatever the situation may be. Like Oprah says, 'you teach people how to treat you.'

Personally, I would sit down with your fiance & explain to him how this makes you feel & that he needs to do something about it- it is his mom- & that if she can't respect his own decision in his life to be happy then she doesn't need to come over anymore. Just remember your kids are hearing this and they too feel the stress this is putting on your relationship and family. They deserve to not have to deal with it and shee needs to realize she is hurting them. GOOD LUCK!!!

W.,
I am so sorry that you have to put up with that. I know you love your sweetheart. He is the one who needs to stand up to her and put a stop to this. It is his mother. Sounds like he needs to tell her to butt out.

Good luck.

It is very common chemical reaction to MIL or soon to be MILs. There really is nothing you can do. Sorry. You also can't say anything bad about her to him because she is his mother. Since she only drops by once a month you're lucky but better yet. Take the kids over to her once a month instead, she can babysit and you and her son go see a movie or something. Try to make the best of it. If she bugs you too much, you can just take the kids and go home. It is easier than kicking her out of your home or leaving you no place to run to.

Dear W.,

I totally understand where you are coming from. My mother-in-law didn't accept me for about 10 or 11yrs. My husband and I have been married now 18yrs. Your mother-in-law may or may not ever accept you the difference will be with your husband. He needs to show his mother that he loves you and that he is happy NO NEGATIVE TALK TO HER AT ALL because this will only prove to her that she is right you are not good. She has in her mind already that he got the raw end of the stick because you have the 4kids package deal that is too much for her to accept for her son, not to add but also that she knew how you were before and she doesn't want to accept that you have changed. She wanted the best (which you are it for him in the Lords eyes) but in her obscured human eyes you are not the best choice for him. It is sad and there is nothing you can do but pray for her and love her but also know that your husband is the KEY to any positive outcome for you and her. My husband had to leave (totally) and cleave (to me)for her to get the hint that she has no power over our family. Well she got sick and I was the first one to call her and see if she needed anything. She did and then she seen without husband and kids involved that I was a REAL person with real emotions (not by her son telling her that) but through love, patience and not getting upset in the process (oh of course it hurt bad). Love covers a mulitude of sin remember that verse but also remember that you are a mother and wife to protect your kids as well from them seeing the negative she is doing to you and your family. Your mother-in-law may not see that she is doing this because this is normal to her to treat her son in this manner. Email me : ____@____.com and maybe I can share more of my pain and story that I had to go through. I'll be praying. K.