Dealing with Miscarriage

I know it is really hard. I had a miscarriage with my first and it was really hard. You just have to remember that everything happens for a reason. I now look back on my miscarriage and understand that it would have been impossible for me to complete college if I had a baby at that time. Now I have 2 beautiful little boys.

Just take it one day at a time and know that you are not alone. It will get better with each passing day. You just have to remember it will happen sooner than later.

I hope this has helped

First off, let me offer my most sincere condolences! That is a horrible loss that nobody should have to deal with!! Next, this is NOT your fault!!! I cannot stress enough that you could NOT have prevented this and you did NOT cause this!! Having gone through a misscarriage, I understand that you will have MANY emotions at different times - and that is OK!! Do not listen to the "helpful" advice from people that is just hurtful. Understand that people are just trying to make you feel better - even though NO WORDS make you feel better. Your heart will heal, I promise. That baby was in your life for just a moment - for a reason - and you may never get to know why. You will never forget - the due date will be hard, the anniversary of the miscarriage will be hard - but I promise, you WILL make it through it! There are so many women that have gone through this - I pray that you find comfort in their wisdom and shared tears! I'd like to share a poem that my sister (several miscarriages & ectopic pregnancy) sent me after my miscarriage...

A MOTHER'S PRAYER
by Jennifer Wasik

I closed my eyes and prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother and I know I heard him say,
A Mother has a baby, this we know is true.

But God can you be a Mother when your baby's not with you?
"Yes you can!", he replied with confidence in his voice,
"I give many women babies, when they leave its not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay."

I don't understand this God, I want my baby here,
He took a breath and cleared his throat and then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile with the other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear,
my mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me.
I learned my lesson very quick. My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much but I visit her everyday.
When she goes to sleep, on her pillow is where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one, your children are ok.
Your babies are here in my home and this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with me until your lesson is through
And on that day that you come Home they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother.
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you have so much of, right from the start.

Though some on earth may not realize that you are a Mother, until their time is done
They'll be up here with me one day and know you're the BEST one.

M.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know it is difficult. I had a stillborn baby boy @ 39 weeks. The reality of life is hard to take. I found my own peace with my tragedy through my faith. That may not be the answer for everyone. I spent much time in prayer myself. I don't know if what I felt is true for you. It was a comfort for me. I beleive that there are spirits who are too pure for this earth. These little spirits enter these fragile little bodies. Then they are taken back home to Him who created them. I don't think it matters they didn't take a breath on this earth. They just needed a body to continue on with their progression, and pass onto heaven. I believe I will see my son again. That he has something special he is needed for in heaven. When the Savior comes again, we will have our little precious children with us again. I don't know why I was picked as this child's mother, but I am grateful to have a son so special he didn't have to live through the pains of a mortal life. I hope I didn't sound preachy. I hope that you find comfort and peace. You will make it through this. They will stay with you in your heart always, but the pain will ease. I promise.

Oh dear. There are no words that I can give that would take away your pain. Honestly you wouldn't want me to because the pain you are feeling is because those babies MATTER. They were and are real. I had a miscarriage with D&C in December of 2006. The pain lessens as time goes on but you CANNOT RUSH your healing or it will be incomplete and the unresolved pieces will fester and cause emotional scars that cannot be so easily soothed. Something I will tell you is that you need to prepare for several things: #1- your husband WILL NOT grieve the same way, time, etc that you do. Grief, even by those that share it, is unique & personal. I never saw my dad cry when my sister was stillborn, but I have NO DOUBT that he hurt or that he thinks about her still- 21 years later. I have seen my husband show emotion about our baby, but it was almost a month after my D&C- he was trying to be strong for me. #2- People will say the DUMBEST things. While trying to comfort you, just accept now that some people just don't know what to say- so things that are insensitive will be said. While you are vulnerable right now, you will benefit from having a "rhino hide". #3- there are some people that won't say ANYTHING and that can hurt too. People you yearn to talk to may choose to say nothing vs possibly saying the wrong thing. That for me was harder to take. #4- Your healing time line is your own. No one has a right to tell you "you should be over this by now." While it is not good to dwell on loss forever, you will need to find time to cope.
You & your husband- as well as your sweet babies- will be in my prayers. You will be able to heal and grow, that is the miracle of this.

A.

I'm crying for you. I had a "fetal demise" at 27 weeks and then a miscarriage. They were both traumatic because I wanted children and I was 30 for the first pregnancy. Loss is never easy. Prayer can help but faith that a Loving Heavenly Father knows and grieves with you and is saying that He does care. They are HIS children, too. We can learn greater compassion through our own suffering, but that comes later, much later. Right now there is no easy way to just get out of bed, work, sleep nights, laugh or smile, and especially see another woman's pregnancy progressing or seeing her holding her new child. That always broke my heart. Ask for understanding and peace in your prayers. Write the experience down when it happens and continue to write every night about something that made you happy or relief that you felt. It is important to tell your hubby your feelings, not wants or desires, just feelings because that's what you're having the most poignant experience with. Be good to yourself and eat right and rest and gentle exercise to help your body heal.
I also had real problems with baby blues after each pregnancy, no matter the outcome. Watch for rage or total despondancy because you might need professional help to take care of those out of balance hormones. Talk to your hubby and tell him what to look out for. As I spiraled down, others had to notice the change to help me to realize I needed to seek help.
Men also need, but frequently deny, the need to grieve or to feel suported in their loss. His helping you helps him. Have him go for walks with you, it will help you both and keep you closer than you both withdrawing inside yourselves.

I've never responded before but your request like I said made me cry. I'm a working wife of a disabled husband and a mother of one daughter. C. T.

I am so sorry. I miscarried my first baby at 11 weeks and was "devastated." I say it like that because I remember thinking, the only thing that could have made it worse was to have carried the baby for longer to then lose him. I went through anger, depression, nesting, avoiding all things baby for about a year. There was a book that helped me immensely called "Gone Too Soon." It's a short read, purple paperback. It taught me that my grief was ok, that my baby would and could always be a part of me, and that if I felt up to it, I should talk about it with others. I still mention it whenever I can because that baby was so much a part of me. It took us more than a year to get pregnant again. When we did, I chose to treasure each day of that pregnancy and tried hard not to dwell on "what if I lose this one, too?" Our darling boy arrived safely and healthy. We now have a 2 1/2 year old and an almost 1 year old. I know a teeny bit of the pain you're feeling. It didn't help me when people would say, "My friend/sister/aunt/cousin had a miscarriage and she went on to have 6 kids, so don't worry..." All I can offer is to do something for your babies. Do something for them. Serve someone or create a memorial or get into a support group - anything. You do need to keep on living. Your babies can help others if you work with the hurt to share your story, make something beautiful out of something so painful. God bless you through this trial.

You will get through, albeit difficult. The hardest thing for me was there was no 'official' grieving process or mourning process. You experienced such a loss that no one outside of your family knew about or knows how to acknowledge. The next year will be difficult... every little corner has a glitch. I will be praying for your spirit to be uplifted. Many heartfelt hugs to you friend.

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost a baby at 7 weeks before I got pregnant with my son. It was a devestating loss (not just for us, but it was the 1st grandbaby) and I had plenty of "wellwishers" who had every piece of advice I could want- not! You may have to ignore the "reasoning" from others who haven't been in your situation. YOU MUST GET THE BOOK "EMPTY ARMS" by Pam Vredevelt. It was a great help in coping with the miscarriage.

I think husbands are fixers and they don't know how to make the hurt go away. They also don't realize the instant bond that is formed between us and our child the moment we see "positive!" The one great thing that gave me hope was that I had gotten pregnant once so I knew my body was able to get pregnant again. Only you know when it will be time to start trying again. For me, the best healing was trying right away. I cried each month that I didn't get pregnant...and finally, I was able to take the test again and it was positive...but then I worried throughout the whole pregnancy. I set little goals...get through the 7th week, get through the 13th week, get through the 20th week, and then get through 36 weeks. It helped (the only reason I mention this is because no one ever told me how hard it would be to be pregnant again). Also, it's silly, but my mother-in-law bought the "baby" a bear when she found out we were pregnant, so I would keep that bear around and whenever I was feeling sad, I would get the bear and hug it and cry on it. Now I keep it around so that I can tell my son about his "baby". The hurt lessens, but never completely goes away and nothing will ever replace that baby in your heart. Keep your spirit and hopes up and please e-mail me ____@____.com if you need to talk some more. The most important thing is to remember it's okay to hurt and cry and to talk to people about it! You are certainly not alone! Bless you!

S., 25, mother of Tyrrone, 4 months, and an angel in heaven!

Sometimes it is better to take some time and get it all out. Cry your little heart out. Give yourself time to grieve for the loss that you so deeply feel. When you feel like you have cried yourself dry, take time to come to a realization that there is a higher power that is ready to bless you and take this pain and bear it with you. When you are ready, turn the burden over to him and then pray for comfort and peace. I struggled with infertility for years. I did have a child finally, but in my heart every time I went through treatments unsuccessfully, I mourned. It was only when I was ready to let God take the pain away that it really happened. Sometimes when I see a pregnant mother, I still have a the sting of my struggles, but I don't bear it alone.

Sometimes our husbands don't understand how deep this can effect us. Let your husband know how deeply you felt for this pregnancy, and just ask him for patience and understanding. He doesn't need to fix it. He just needs to hold you when you need him to, and let you be alone when you need some time.

Life takes some cruel turns, our job is to learn how to deal with them...partake of the bitter cup, without becoming bitter. Inside of you is a strong person. We don't move on to forget, we move on to be happy again.

I can't even begin to imagine your pain. I wanted to say that I am sorry for your loss.

My heart aches for you. I'm so sorry. We lost our son last year at 23 weeks and I thought my life was over too. In this year of healing I've been shocked and amazed at the stories of loss the other women in my life have shared with me. It is amazing how many of us have similar pain, and it will help you to heal slowly, slowly, if you can talk about it with friends. Men hurt differently. Mine didn't talk for months, which was hard for me. Be patient with him. Talk to your OB about Zoloft to get you through the next 6 months as your hormones stabalize. I also found comfort in reading. I loved 'Straight Up' by Lisa Samson and all of Harold Kushner's books. Drop it all and go to Disneyland. That was very healing for us, to get away. Celebrate your future, grasp on to what you have. You have hope. You have a great path ahead, but this next year will be tough, so let yourself grieve.
Blessings ~
K.

You've had a lot of good advice on how to deal with your loss, and a lot of sympathy from others who have lived it. I also have lived through a miscarriage. I just wanted to tell you what I believe about babies. I believe that all babies that come to be born on this Earth are spirit children living with our Heavenly Father, waiting to come to their family here on Earth. When a precious baby is lost to a miscarriage, I believe that the spirit waiting for that little body will come to us again when the time is right. I also believe everything happens for a reason, and that our Heavenly Father never would give us any trial we are not capable of handling. It's hard now, and will be for a while. But just know that your little baby's spirit is still up there, waiting to come into your life in one way or another. It's a tough thing now, but it will only make you stronger. Good luck, and feel better soon. Don't try NOT to grieve for your baby. Just try to keep it all in perspective, and keep moving.

Hi K.,
I am so sorry for your loss. I have been there myself and it is earth shattering. I have now gone on to have 2 healthy babies, but you never forget. Try not to be too h*** o* yourself...give yourself the time to grieve...that time is different for everyone, so however long it takes is how long it takes. I read a book called "I'll hold you in heaven" by Jack Hayford. It is a small little book and a quick read but it really helped me through it. You can get it at a local christian bookstore or on Amazon.com. I hope it brings you comfort. You will be in my prayers. M. M

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I wish I knew about this site a few months ago when I was going through the same things. I constantly felt that I had all the after effects of delivery, but no baby...You will go through some of the regular postpartum depression symptoms, but do your best. Whatever your best is during this time will be wonderful. Use your husband, cry to him, cry in your prayers and just trust that maybe tomorrow will be a better day than today. When you are ready to fully get back into the swing of things, you will. But, take whatever time you need and know that there are others who understand even though it feels like there's no one there. Good Luck and just do your best.

Keep your head up! Everything happens for a reason! Not 4 weeks after my miscarrage I was pregnant with my beautiful daughter. It will all be okay. Try to relax take a deep breath and stay on your normal routine. Think positive and the healing will start. I wish you all the best!!!

It has been since Novemeber 8, 2006 since my miscarriage at 20 weeks. I know exactly how you feel and how bad it hurts. There are days that I still cry and get angry. The hurt just shows how much we loved our babies. It's a normal process and I hated it when people told me, "it will get easier" but you know what..it does. And I hated it when people would say "how are you" I thought how do you think I am! People don't really know what to say, but they want you to know they care, so don't be affended with them. I have an extremely hard time getting pregnant and have to use medication to help, and sometimes that didn't even work, so you can imagine how excited we were to be pregnant and got pregnant on our own...it was a miracle! and then to lose him it was devastating. But you know what, I have learned alot from the experience. I don't think the hurt ever goes away, I think we just learn to be more grateful for what we have. It is still so early for you, give yourself a chance to heal..it takes time. I wish you the very best!

I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I completely understand because I had a miscarriage in 2000 at 10 weeks. The pregnancy was going along great until one evening when I started spotting. I had a D&C and was so devastated. I know people were trying to comfort me but no one had the right words to make me feel better. It did help to talk to other women who had gone through this before. They understood that this was my child and even though it was inside me for a short time, it was very real to me. Allow yourself to grieve and put your hope in God. He will get you through this!!!

I struggled to have kids for many years but with help we now have 3 beautiful daughters (a 5 year old and twin 6 month babies). Although I have children now, I never forget what it was like to go through that dark time in my life. I don't usually respond to these but yours touched my heart. I will pray for you - that you will find joy in the midst of sorrow. That you will experience peace in your pain. That you will know that God is with you - even when you don't feel him.

S. C.

Have you ever heard of SHARE? It is a support group that helps women who have suffered miscarriage. There are different chapters throughout the valley. It has really helped my sister who had to be induced at 6 1/2 months to a stillborn. She now is on the SHARE board. You can find out more at www.shareparentsofutah.org. I am sorry for your loss and hope you can find the comfort you need.

C.

My pain didn't go away, but I forgot about it after I was pregnant again. It wasn't until I was pregnant with my second kid that I was filling out paperwork and had to write "2" on the "previous pregnancies" form that I realized I wasn't depressed about it anymore.

I watched, on the other hand, my step-mom have 6 miscarriages before her first child, and one miscarriage afterward that forced her to decide to stop trying. Her way of dealing with it was to keep trying, but that final miscarriage really hurt her. I think she will always wish for more children.

Know that most pregnancies end in miscarriage (and most women don't even know they're pregnant, or have miscarried), and miscarriage has nothing to do with you but in the un-perfect design of the way the embryo is growing.

you're doing the right thing by praying. i'm so sorry that you have to go through this. :( thank goodness you have a supportive husband.

Hi K.,
I have had two miscarriages, and one child that was born 4 mos too early, he died 5 days later. I currently have a 3 1/2 year old and she turned out beautifully, even though I was 41 when she was born. You are having a tough time not only because of the pregnancy hormones play on our emotions even though you had a miscarriage it takes awhile for them to leave the body, but also it was a loss of two fetuses. Please do not give up hope, you will be blessed again. Just give your body a few months to heal and in God's timing you will have wonderful children to enjoy throughout you life. I wish I could help you more, it is tough, I know, women are more understanding then men on these kind of these things and you will be surprised how many of your friends might have had miscarriages and were going through the same thing you are. You might also find a support group at your local church or in your community, check out griefshare.com

Hi K.,
I lost twins in my first trimester about 16 years ago. I couldn't believe how hard it was for me. I went to a counselor who helped by letting me know that it's not just a lost pregnancy, it is a lost dream. In our hearts (especially the woman's) that baby was a person with talents, dreams, hopes, etc. After about six months, I finally decided to write my twins a letter to tell them how much I missed them and how sad I was. I gave them names, too. That is what helped the most. It seemed like after I wrote the letter I was much better.
I have since had four children - you will get past this and one day will be able to help someone else through it.

God bless,
K. ____@____.com

K., my heart aches for you. I had my secong miscarriage last Ocotber. Take time out to grieve. People mean to be helpful but most things they say are not comforting--at least they weren't for me. I recommend seeing a councilor. I saw a LCSW (Licensed Social Worker) the first time, sounds ominous but it is someone trained to help with the basic things we deal with. With the second miscarriage I saw a psychologist. Talking about it to someone not involved in the grief really helped me. My sweet husband was going through his own grief process in his own way and wanted to "fix" me. I needed time to heal. To be bitter, to be mad at God, at my body...so many emotions. There aren't easy answers, but take time to grieve you have sustained a huge loss. Give yourself permission to ache and to heal. I can't have more children--it's been hard coming to terms with it and some days I still don't feel like I have. I remind myself that it is okay to be sad, and it is okay to have good days too. It seems inconsistent but it is natural. I'll be praying for you and if you ever need someone to talk to--I can't fully understand, no one can...but I've been through my own similar and can be a support to you if you need one.

K., I too had a miscarriage last summer that resulted in a D&C-it was my first pregnancy, at 8 weeks. My husband and I went to our first appointment and there was no heartbeat. I can totally understand what you're going through, and I'm writing to tell you it WILL get easier. Things that helped me(besides my wonderful husband)were time, talking to other women who had been through it, and knowing that we could try again. At first I kept it to myself, but when I started talking to other women (especially moms who were older than me) who had been through miscarriage, I found that it is EXTREMELY common, and most go on to have healthy pregnancies! Give yourself time to grieve and heal, and then try again when you're ready. Try to keep in mind that these things happen for a reason, which I realize doesn't bring instant relief, but I believe there is truth in that. Take great care of yourself, be kind to yourself and to your husband, and please know you are not alone! (P.S. I am now 4 months pregnant, and one day you will be, too!)

My husband and I were married in June 2005. I found out I was pregnant in November 2005. Just one week later I had a miscarriage, I was 5 weeks pregnant. For months afterward I was depressed but I didn't realize I was depressed. My husband was supportive but he also couldn't quite understand. I worked in daycare with infants and toddlers. My miscarriage had started at work and I went back the next day thinking that would help me get through it. I was wondering if I had done something to cause it. My husband was still in college at the time and at first we were a little unhappy about being pregnant, then a day before the miscarriage we were finally at peace with it and just beginning to feel happy about it. The guilt was horrible. Now I am the mom of a daring stubborn 10 month old girl and I love every minute of it.
I will be praying for you and the only advice I have is to keep on moving, you will see your babies again. I actually have 2 children, One on earth with me and one in heaven waiting.

I know exactly what you are going through. I did 4 1/2 years of infertility treatment, got pregnant just to loose it. It was the most horrible thing ever. I thought about it everyday for years. (This happened 7 years ago)It was always a huge fear of mine anyway.

Everyone tells you things that the mean to be helpful but really aren't so I'll tell what I did.

I wrote my baby poems. I miss you poems. I love yoou poems anything that came to mind. I even wrote a song about the baby. I didn't share them with anyone but it got all my feeling from the inside to the outside. It felt better and made me feel more connected to the baby I never got to know.

My husband was very unsupportive and REALLY didn't understand at all so I couldn't talk to him about my feelings.

The one thing that I did hear over and over again was the cure for a baby lost is to get pregnant again. Even though I thought that was horrible and never wanted to go through it again I did get pregnant on my own (without fertility treatment, of course I stopped)3 months later. That baby wanted to come out and I went to specialist here in town, Dr. Magerelli who helped me keep her. She is now 7 years old and she really did help me get over my loss.

I never forget though every April 14th I think about it all day.

A friend of mine had a similar circumstance with her 2nd child. On the anniversary every year her family buys a balloon and goes outside and releases it together to symbolize the babies spirit that went to heaven.

I hope this helped if you need to talk feel free to contact me.

K. I lost my twins at 10 weeks, they would have been 11 years old now. You are doing the best thing you can do to help you work thru your grief...you are talking about it. Keep talking, you lost two children and it hurts, I know it hurts....and it's o.k. to cry about this. I still cry on occasion when I talk about or think about my loss, my husband does too. Healing comes thru prayer, talking about your very real loss, and moving forward no matter how small the steps might seem. Let yourself be sad. I think our society feels that it's a sign of weakness to be sad about a loss, and miscarriage is one of the most hidden losses in our society. When you start to talk about it you'll find, as I did, a large number of women who have been right there where you are now and nobody knew how to help so they suffered in silence. Remember you are not alone with this.

Also there is life after miscarriage. I carried a son to term after I lost my twins. His pregnancy was scary for me because I didn't want to go thru that feeling of loss ever again...but I knew that in our hearts we wanted another child and we would give anything to have one...even if it meant facing loss once more. My son is now 10 and a few years after his birth I had a tattoo put on my back of my own design. 3 of the symbols in the tattoo stand for my husband and my two lovely children and 2 other symbols stand for my twins who are forever between worlds and forever within my heart and mind.

First let me say that I am very sorry for your loss. Last Wednesday (3/5) marked one year since I had my D&C and miscarried my twins. I lost them around the same time as you (around eight weeks) and endured ten days of going through hell. I started off by spotting and each day the bleeding and pain got worse. Initially, after a few days of bleeding I did go in for an ultrasound and that is how they found it was twins and there were no heartbeats. I was told to come back a week later as maybe it was too early to distinguish the heartbeats. I knew in my heart that it wasn't going to get any better. As I mentioned, each day got worse and finally when it came to a week later I could barely make it into the doctor's office. When I finally got in for the ultrasound that morning it showed that I lost one of the babies and the other one did not have a heartbeat. I was losing a lot of blood and had several clots so my doctor performed an emergency D&C that morning. My husband was also there for me and very supportive but as time went on and I was still hurting I don't think he could fully understand. Having never had a miscarriage before, I never truly reazlied just how hard they are to go through and how alone you feel. I thought I was doing better until six months later in September, just a few days before my 40th birthday, my cat passed away and that just brought back all the grief of the miscarriage all over again. And then last week when it marked one year, I also relived it all. So I understand what you are going through and it does take time, a lot of time, and patience with yourself to get through it and to grieve. I don't think you will ever truly feel like you are "over it". Just know that in time the pain won't be as raw. I can't help but try to believe that everything does happen for a reason and sometimes it's so hard to understand why but we have to believe it's all for the best. I like to think that these two souls are with my cat watching out over me and my son (21 months). So be gentle with yourself and know that you are not alone. A. M.

It sounds to me your body is perparing itself to carry a baby.
I know the loss is still difficult, but the women's body is truely a miracle. I was told I could not have children I tried for 5 years striaght with no success with one miscarriage. I went to a fertility doctor and was told my chances were very little since it appeared I did not ovulate, so I decided to adopt at the time. I ended up with the most beautiful girl and one year later I got pregnant I couldn't believe it and again two years later I got pregnant again.
I look back on my life and realize if I had my two sons in the time frame I wanted I would have never adopted my little girl and what a blessing she is. God works in wonderous ways.

I wouldn't change my journey for anything I love all my children and I would adopt again. You never know what god has in store for you, but things happen when the time is right. God has a plan for you just be patient and have an open heart.

Dear K. T.,
Having a Nursing background this may seem cold and clinical. 9/10 a miscarriage is due to an abnormality of the fetus. Esentially it's your bodies way of protecting you and rejecting anything that is "not right"..Has your Dr. put you on any antidepressants? I know this is only a band aid but your hormones and emotions are all over the place. This cannot be controlled but can be managed. I also feel that talking with a counselor or psychologist would be helpful. And although your husband has been helpful-guys just don't get it! This is cliche but time will heal and you will be ok!

Take Care,
TLS

Hi K.,

My heart breaks for you. I too experienced a miscarriage at almost 12 weeks and it is a horrible experience. Please know that as hard as it is to say...it happened for a reason. It is a hard thing to accept. But one day, those babies will come back to you and they will be healthy and they will thrive. I got pregnant exactly a year to the day that we lost our second child and I truely believe that she came back to us in a healthier little body. I know that you feel like you're turning inside out right now and that is normal. You have to grieve - you just experienced one of the greatest losses in life. You will always ache a little and wonder....but it will lessen as time goes on. Just believe that you will one day be blessed with the sounds of laughter and the feelings of love from a child that is meant to be. Hang in there, and lean on your husband - although he doesn't understand completely how you feel, he hurts too. You're a team - love eachother and be there for eachother and you will make it. You're never given more than you can handle - it just is overwhelming sometimes. My heart goes out to you.

i don't want to sound harsh, but i'm not going to tell you everything is going to be ok, and to just get by the best you can. i'm sure you'll be overwhelmed by messages saying those things. but my prayers are with you.
what i found with my post partum depression is that taking the time for myself was the best thing to do for my family. you said your husband was supportive, that makes all the difference. mine is also. i won't go into detail about our most trying obstacle. i will tell you that during that struggle, i sat him down and told him i had things to say, that i needed him to listen quiety while i did, to save any questions for later, and to just let me get everything weighing on my heart out. he did just that, and at the end, i told him i needed to be ale to revisit the issue again, and as often as i needed to. once that conversation ended, i felt so much better about everthing.
also, learning new things helps me. so i don't feel stagnant in my life. i hope what i've said has helped some, and i wish the very best for you and your husband. i'll leave you with my favorite thought, which has applied to many experiences in my life: things will work themselves out in the end, though maybe not in the way we'd like them to.
A.
____@____.com...if you ever need to talk, vent, cry...

Hi K.,
I'm so sorry about your loss. Death is difficult to deal with -- especially when it's a baby -- but it is also part of life. I highly suggest you get grief counseling. It's very effective and will help you through this difficult time.
Much love and peace,
S.

I have been there myself. The anguish does subside but the pain that you are feeling is so powerful it will take awhile. At the time of my D and C a nurse told me that at least it was a good sign that I could get pregnant. Then, it was little comfort, now I have 2 beautiful, healthy girls.
You are in my thoughts. Keep talking to your husband. He needs to know how to support you so tell him how you feel.

K., I'm sending you a huge hug in support of what's happening for you. I too have had a miscarriage in my life. One of the gifts that came out of my experience was an opportunity to make contact with the energy and spirit of the little girl that left us. I know this may sound weird but there is always a gift in every upset and loss any of us go through. I am a Life Coach and Intuitve in my lifes' work and it has always been helpful to me to focus on the bigger picture. No one just dies, we all have consciousness and it might help you to feel the power, through the sadness, of the choices your babies have made. Sometimes we don't need to be here for very long and the ministry your babies have brought you has absolutely opened your heart. Please don't invalidate that. If you're interested in a conversation (no hidden agenda) call me at ###-###-####. Take good care of you and honor the grieving you're in, there is no reason to stop what you feel. J.

K.,

My prayers are with you. I lost two babies before they were born. It was extremly difficult. I wish I had some magic for you, but what you are feeling is normal grief. This will sound trite, but it will get easier. Time is the only thing that helped me heal. Give yourself permission to feel sad, angry, dissappointed and all the other feelings that will come. Just don't camp there, what I mean is don't let your loss become your identity. Yes, the world is moving on without you, in time you will be able to move forward too. I will be praying for comfort and strength for you.

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I went thru something similar. (test was positive, had ultrasound, twins but without heartbeats). I kept hoping for the best but it just didn't happen. I waited for nature to do it's thing and it took only a week. I cried for a while. I had very supportive friends and family that helped me thru the process. In the end I came to the conclusion that God just didn't think I was ready and somehow felt comfort in that. This might not be the same thing as I already had children, but just wanted to show my support to let you know that it still hurts when I think about it, but it takes time. I'm glad you have a good husband. I had a friend who's son and girlfriend were expecting and she had a miscarriage and her son said, "That's ok, we weren't ready anyway." Some guys just don't understand what they are saying so I'm glad you have a husband who is trying to support you.

L. C.

Dear K.,
My heart aches for you. Miscarriage is one of the most difficult challenges to face. It is almost a hidden tragedy, no one around us knows except those that have known we were pregnant and to those, often we don't want to even talk to about losing our budding life/s within.

I would encourage you to read and read books about miscarriage and try to heal, even a little. And pray too. There is One that Knows your sorrow intimately. I can't even begin to tell you how much it can help to have that faith.

I once had a friend that had lost her little toddler to Meningitis. She would sit and watch videos of her little one- she called it picking her scabs and making herself bleed all over again. She would heal over a bit then harrow up her pain again, revisited. I would encourage you to see when you are "picking scabs that are trying to heal". We all revisit our pain, but sometimes it isn't healthy to rerun the pain over and over again. For you, right now, it is totally understandable to be in deep sadness, and it's ok to allow yourself to feel the pain now. BUT you also need to understand and accept that it will lessen and allow for healing for your broken heart as well.

Grief is real. It can be very beneficial as part of the healing process and don't be surprised if it lasts a long time. I still have sadness over my lost little ones as I ponder what happened, but time and a loving husband has helped greatly-

When people ask me about all the accomplishments in my life I say, "I believe in the power of prayer!" They don't realize it is not just for the blessing in my life that I pray, but it is for the losses also.

Your little ones will always be near- try to survive for right now, one day at a time.

Write to me anytime...I don't have all the answers, but I know our Heavenly Father does. He is always there- waiting to lift your burdens- His healing is real, if you will let Him heal you. Ask your family and friends to pray for you as well...it will bless you so much.

God Bless, I will remember you in my prayers.
H. B.

I am so sorry for your loss. The only thing that I can tell you is keep busy. Go to work, exercise daily, keep your hands busy. That helps me from dwelling on things.

I am so sorry for your loss. It is so hard. I lost two babies, 1 at 6 weeks and then another later at 9 weeks. I think it was the hardest thing i had to go through as well. i hated everyone telling me that it happened for a reason and it was probably for the best. You need to give yourself time. if it has only been a couple of weeks, your hormones are probably still going crazy and two weeks isn't very long. You lost something special, that was apart of you, you need to take time to grieve. And husbands don't always get it, no matter how supportive they are. Men handle things differently. It's not a bad thing, they are just differnt. Maybe what you need to do is talk to others who have gone throught the same experience. There are support groups and counselors that can help. It has been about two years since i lost my last baby and i did have one, but i still miss the ones that i lost. One thing that helped me was to talk with a friend who had experienced the same thing and then my husband bought me birthstone pendants for the babies i lost. It helped me to remember them and somehow feel like i had a piece of them. Remember that it is ok to cry if you need to. don't bottle up your feelings or pretend they aren't there, it makes things worse. i wish you all the best.

First off, I would just like to say how very sorry I am. I too had a D&C and it will have been 4 yrs ago on the 31st of this month. I was 11 weeks along when I got to hear the babies heart beat and when I went back for my next appt it wasn't there so they did an ultra sound and found out that I had lost the baby just a couple days after the first appt. It was the hardest thing to hear and to go through. But now 4 years later I have an AMAZING 2 year old miracle and I would like to think it was him and he wasn't ready to come yet. I still think about it and your pain will never fully go away but I cried a lot to family and friends, especially to my husband and him just being there with a shoulder helped. And slowly it seemed to get a little easier. There will be good and bad days but it will get better. Look towards the future and pray and that is all you can really do. I truly believe that you will be blessed with a miracle of your own and your precious babies were just not ready to see you yet. Bless you and your husband, and good luck!

K., I'm very sorry for your loss. Your system is probably full of hormones right now which doesn't help your mind get over the loss. Did the doctor say you could get pregnant again soon? Have you been waiting a long time to conceive? I think that if you can get pregnant again it would help tremendously-- it helped me when I had a miscarriage many years ago. Not meant to belittle your pain, but I can't say that I grieved for as long as you are (nor do I honestly think this is as difficult as many women here have said to get over). You will get through it and I doubt this will be a long term pain in your life. I'd like to suggest what I suggest to anyone who is feeling down-- Go on lots of walks. Get outside and get some exercise. See a counselor if you need some extra help.

This is a very difficult thing to deal with and nobody seems to think it's that big of a deal. But going in pregnant and then coming out of surgery with nothing to show for it is the worst feeling ever. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing I will get a chance to raise my baby in the Millenium. That means even though your babies were only 6 1/2 weeks along, after Christ comes they will be yours again to raise. As a mother you will never forget your babies. For now it's ok to cry and miss them, that just means you love them.

I'm sorry to hear about the miscarriage. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage as well. I promise you will get through it and it does get better. Take this time to cherish what you have and become even that much closer with your husband. Don't push each other away. This happened to both of you. Be careful though because after my miscarriage, when I got pregnant again I think God was trying to make it up to me because now I have 2 babies. Everything happens for a reason so maybe this is to make you stronger for something else to come. Good luck.

S.

I also had a miscarriage before my first son. There is nothing harder than losing a child. I can't even imagine losing two. I am very sorry.
I found that writing in a journal or some kind of a book, letting out all of your frustrations helped me out alot. It was just something that I did whenever I had any kind of thought and I never let anyone read it. It was my "personal space"

The words of someone else may be somewhat hollow. It's your pain, and everyone's pain is different. I can only say that it will just take time. One day at at time, or maybe even one hour at a time. May God bless you with the strength to make it through each day, and remember others are praying for you in the meantime.

I have had multiple pregnancy problems. In fact I have been pregnant nine times and have three living children. This is horribly difficult. I feel for what you are going through. It is as if you should bounce back and be happy, but you feel the tragic loss. It helped me to think about things in a different light. It is so difficult to do, but really it helps. One of my pregnancies went 22 1/2 weeks before we found out our daughter had died. To have to give birth to a dead baby, get your milk in, and then have to bury your child was awful!! I know it is hard, but at least if you were going to lose the babies it is better at 6 weeks than later after you have bought everything for the nursery, etc. Also, if your twins were going to have major medical issues because things were not quite right. Be grateful that you did not have more intense connections with them. I hope this helps. Maybe things weren't quite right and it really was a blessing in disguise. You have to be grateful for the lessons you have learned and have the faith that you will be blessed in your trial. Lean on the loved ones around you who want to help. Talk about your true feelings with them and allow them to comfort you. It is okay to cry and to grieve!! You can only be happy after you have grieved properly. I wish you all the best in future pregnancies!!

Hello K., Your loss is as real as the loss of any other child to a parent. You ARE Mom to the little babies you lost. I encourage you to greive as much as you need in any way that feels good to you. Maybe you want to do a ritual/ceremony to honor their brief lives in your body.

I lost several children during pregnancy before my two living daughters were born. My grief was real and necessary. ~T.

K.,
My thoughts and prayers for you at this difficult time in your life. I know that nothing can replace what has been lost. Remember that some things (even this bad) happen for a reason. My first son was born 14 weeks premature and lived for 3 days before the angels took him away to heaven. I didn't think I would ever be the same again. Thanks to my husband and time I recovered both mentally and physically. 15 years later I am the proud mom of three. All difficult pregnancies. Long story short. My next son was 7 weeks early. He will be 13 in May. My next son (another boy!) sent me to bed for 2 months before he was born full term. He will be 11 next month. After years of wondering should I try for a girl I did. She was my most difficult delivery (12 hours). Not to mention the take it easy month that I was pre-eclamtic and VERY puffy.She just turned 5. I can only say that I still think about my Alexander every day and wonder what he would be like. His birthday falls on Easter Sunday this year and he would be 15.I still cry whenever is see a story on TV or read about a family with a premature baby that is doing well. I will always wonder why it happened.It made me appreciate being a mom even more. The crying never really stops it just becomes less frequent and like now as I type I can say the tears are there but there is no sobbing. Give yourself time to heal. You will know in your heart and mind when it is time to try again. Wishing you all the best.

Please accept my deepest sorrow for you and your husband's lost. I too went through a misscarrage several years ago. It was quite confusing and sorrowful. Unfortunatly it lasted 3 months.
The one thing that helped me through it was to realize that we really don't have much control over the whole life giving conception thing. We put in our share of the magic and God or what greater powers there be takes over and we are just along for the ride.
When I got pregnant that time, I was joyous with the fact that I wasn't barren. After lots of crying and anger, I accepted the fact that my body knows more than my head does and my body had taken charge and made sure that an imperfect embryo didn't be grown.
I think mostly but not always nature knows best and we should just keep doing what we know best.
I think you should just keep proccessing this, you should grieve and perhaps do a private ceramony to acknowledge these twin presences and ask them to please consider coming back in a future pregnancy or two, that you'd love to meet them.
I did this with mine with a precious stone in an amlet, to signify this event.
This isn't something to get over but rather include and expand from.
Hang in there, Sister......
You are strong as all mothers are....

Do not worry, God has reasons for everything that happens. He has heard your need and your pain and in time will answer your prayers. I also had 3 miscarriages and know the terrible pain that you are feeling but I also know with faith and prayer in time your pain will be eased, not erased but a little more tolerable. I will pray for you and your husband.

I lost my first pregnancy at 9 weeks after seeing a heartbeat at 6 weeks. We had been trying for so long and we loved that little beating heart so much. I think my husband felt it as much as I did, and really his depression lasted longer than mine. The grief does lift you up apart from the world to a quiet and lonely place.

For me, talking with other women helped, including my boss, who told me stories of her own miscarriages. Walking somewhere away from the city helped, where I could feel the wind and hear birds. It was hard to be with pregnant women and new mothers for a few months.

We had one more miscarriage after that one, although it was very quick and my body always felt like I wasn't really pregnant, so that one was not as hard for me. The only hard part there was wondering if we would be one of the couples who couldn't ever carry to term.

Our third try brought my beautiful daughter who is now 14 months old. I do still wonder about what that first baby would have been like, and I think about how old she would be now, but I know I couldn't have had my Katie if I had had the first one.

-F

Karen,
I just wanted to let you know that it is okay to feel how you do. Misscarriages are hard and they are very emotional. You will get through it though. Keep praying for support and you will begin to feel a little better. You will probably never forget or stop thinking "what-if". I have been through a few miscarriages myself, they are hard. Lean on your hubby if you can, he may be feeling a little how you do as well. Remember you can try again, but that doesn't mean everything will go perfectly though either. What helped me was trying to see if there was a reason for the miscarriages. SOmetimes there is sometimes there isn't. Talk to other women who have been through the same thing, there are a lot of us, surprisingly.

K.,

I had a m/c in April 2005, and honestly, it was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. You put it perfectly when you said that the world keeps on moving while you are stuck, feeling lost. I grieved really hard for two months, and then got pregnant in September 2005. During the pregnancy, I struggled a lot emotionally--I was afraid to get excited about the pregnancy, I then felt guilty over not being more excited. I was stressed that I would do something wrong and have issues of some kind, etc... Finally what helped me to resolve my emotional issues was sitting down and writing a letter to the baby that we lost. I told her that we loved her, and that we had wanted her desperately, that we were so excited for her, etc... and writing that letter helped me so much. When you get pregnant again, you might have your dr. monitor your progesterone levels, and supplement with bioidentical progesterone if things aren't looking right with your levels. I really think that is why I was able to carry my daughter to term and avoid a second m/c. I am truly sorry for your loss and wish you the best during this time of grieving.

Dear K.,
I know exactly how you feel..I too have had a miscarriage and the D&C route so I feel your pain. I am so sorry you have had to go through this.. You do feel so empty like you have nothing to live for.. But you do...It will take time to get through this and that is the hardest thing in the world ..taking it day at a time..My situation was a little different in that I had two children at home to keep me busy and occupied my time.. this pregnancy was not planned and I had trouble from the get go so I believed it was god's way of taking care of a problem..I got pregnant in september and I started spotting in January and I finally had a D&C in March..We never did hear the heartbeat..You will feel better as the days go by and maybe even have a chance at another baby..In later years we did lose our daughter to an automobile accident and believe you me..that miscarriage was nothing to losing your alive daughter.. I still miss her so very much and ache to hold her again and she has been gone for 18 years..I hope I have helped you ..It's hard to know how people deal with grief..some people are different from others..I will keep you in my prayers for God to keep His hand upon you to give you the strength to get through each day..and you will see that each day gets a little easier. May God bless you and your husband..R.

My heart broke for you when I read your post. I suffered a miscarriage the first time I was pregnant at about 8 weeks. I've since had two beautiful healthy children (daughter age 2.5 and son 2 months). When it happens, you can't imagine feeling joy again but it is not only possible but highly probable!! Your story reminded me of another good friend who was pregnant with twin boys and lost them very late term. She had to deliver them after they succumbed in utero at about 6 months. She suffered greatly, both physically (difficult birth) and emotionally. The upside of this story is that she became pregnant again and gave birth to a healthy baby boy after a text-book easy pregnancy and delivery. The arrival of her son has helped to eclipse the loss of her twins. Although less traumatic than hers, my experience was similar in that I remained depressed for few months. When I became pregnant for the second time I was excited but very cautious about becoming too emotionally attached in the first trimester. When what would have been the due date of the miscarried baby arrived, I was reflective but thankful to be pregnant at the time. I'm sure you've learned that having a miscarriage is no reason to think that you can't have a subsequent healthy pregnancy and child. Grieving for those babies is natural and painful but you've got to believe that you will eventually be blessed to experience motherhood. If you can't be positive and hopeful about that, you may jeopardize your marriage and your chances for future happiness. There are many support resources but in the meantime, you've just got to take one day at a time. You'll probably be surprised to learn how many other women who now have children, went through the same heartache the first time they conceived. Be determined to overcome the sadness and be optimistic to the possibilities of conceiving again soon. Take care of yourself!

I had a miscarriage at 7 weeks. There isn't anything magical to do or a quick-fix to dealing with the loss. You have to grieve and there is no right or wrong time frame or right or wrong "way" to do that. You will go through the 5 stages of grief: Denial (sounds like you already had that one by "hoping for a miracle") Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. You have to feel and live each of these stages before you can move on. Some people can do it quickly, for others it can take months. Don't pretend you're okay if your not and if you are, know that that is okay, too. Talk to your husband (even if he doesn't get it, he can still be a shoulder to lean on) or friends about what you are feeling. And know that you WILL get through it. It doesn't mean you'll forget, just that eventually, you will be able to move on from your grief.

I understand completely how you feel. It is a pain so deep and so real that you feel like it can consume you and that no other soul really understands how you feel and there is no way to make it better.
The one thing that you have to hold onto is hope. You will have children. Believe that and do everything that is in your power to make it happen and leave the rest in God's hands.
I have lost two pregnancies, one at 16 weeks (after four years of trying to get pregnant) and another that was believed to be twins that was a tubal pregnancy (one in tube, one in utero).
I have been down the adoption road (but never actually been able to adopt due to succesful surprise pregnancies) and have been through numerous fertility treatments (including invitro) all I can say it the pain will eventually subside and though hard to believe you will find happiness again.
I now have three children and they are my everything. One thing we have learned, is when children are hard to get you have a deep, deep appreciation when you are able to get them.
I hope you can have support and comfort and HOPE during this time.
T.

Oh...I am so sorry! I had a miscarriage (at 11 weeks) in October 2006 (with complications and I ended up in the ER) and reading your e-mail brought a rush of all those exact same feelings back again.
For me it just took time. I think the loss is so hard and then your bodies hormones make it hard too.
My cousin makes jewelry and I had her make me a necklace with my son's birthstone and the birthstone of the baby we lost. It helped me.
It also helped me to talk about it. luckily, I have great friends and family so no one got sick of me calling and crying 18 times a day (at least not that they admitted to me)
Again, I am sorry!

I dealt with this over a year ago. It was HORRIBLE. I truly am sorry for your loss. It will take quite a bit of time to get over this. I am still hurting since mine, every period is a sad time. It definitely has lessened since, but it still is a loss and it's okay to cry hard about it. I compare losing that baby to having post partum depression, it's real and your hormones are really nuts right now. It's hard for husbands to understand, since they don't carry it, and they don't really get involved till there is kicking or crying from the baby. Talk about it anytime you need to, and just keep taking your prenatals to keep your body healthy for when you conceive again. You will be okay, just hang in there!

K.,
If you would like to pray about your family's huge loss or would like a mom who cares to pray for you, please let me know. I have walked with several friends and a sister in law through miscarriages. I believe as we reach out to God in prayer, our lives are strengthened and hope is regained.
Cry out to God. He knows your pain.
So sorry,
L.

I, too, have dealt with miscarriages and your feelings are absolutely real. But, just as you feel the world just keeps on moving, it does, and so will your grief. If talking to girlfriends provides release, talk; get out and enjoy fresh air and sunshine. Examine basic methods to reduce depression (exercise, exposure to sunlight, adequate rest and proper diet)If your strong feelings of wanting to cry all the time and general overall sadness do not start decreasing within a week, I would seek help from my Dr. Don't let the depression take over. I promise, brighter days will come.

I am so sorry! But you must keep moving forward (Watch Meet the Robinsons). Allow yourself to feel awful, because you should. Then after a little while, allow yourself to just feel sad. Then a little less, then a little less. You'll get through this. KEEP MOVING FORWARD. You are loved.

If time doesn't seem to help, counseling may. I married when I was 30 (much later than my expectations). I then had a molar pregnancy and had to wait a year to try again (and get blood tests a dozen or so times to be sure there was no cancer). I worked in primary (the children's organization of LDS church staffed by volunteers asked to serve there). On Sundays, I would see the children and wonder why God didn't want me to have a child and I would sometimes cry. As I continued to ponder and pray, I realized this was not the right way to think. I felt enough peace and a sense that there really is a reason for all things to help me through those emotional times.

Time helped me realize the way this life trial had helped me grow stronger. I was able to see also, the good things that came from what was not in my timing plan. We would not have ended up in the home or neighborhood we are in (which we love and feel this is where we are supposed to be).

Another hard aspect of that first failed pregnancy was the irony all around... 2 of my friends were also struggling with wanting to have a baby and they had not yet been successful. Another young friend who had just married definitely did not want to be pregnant, but she was the one who was pregnant!!! And then there are the unwed teenage moms who seem to get pregnant so easily....

I'm now 39 and have 3 kids and 3 failed pregnancies... each one has been painful. I babysat for a woman when I was young who had been childless/infertile for 8 years before she adopted 1 and bore 3 children without any more trouble. Some amazing women have never had the blessing to marry or to bear a child... someday I believe God will tell us the why. In the meantime, may you be blessed to feel His love and the warmth of people who care. And feel free to contact me through email if you need someone to talk to. T. : )

K., my heart goes out to you. I had a miscarriage at 6 1/2 weeks pg also, about 7 years ago. What helped me through it was simply time, and a lot of prayer. You just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and eventually it does get easier. I had been trying to get pregnant for 2 years by the time I finally did, and was not able to again after that, which was the real heart breaker. That will probably not be your case. Five years after my miscarriage we adopted our sweet son, who is the light of our lives, and I wouldn't change a thing about him or how he came to our family. You will be a mom! Keep that though with you, and have faith that time heals all wounds. It doesn't make them go away, and you will probably always mourn the loss of your babe, but it will get easier. ((Hugs))

I am so sorry that you have to go through that awful experience. I had two miscarriages before I finally got my little girl. With the first one, I was 12 weeks along and the baby never grew...it was called a blighted ovum. I was so distraught for such a long time. The second one happened about 6 months later. I knew what was happening when it started. I didn't want to go through such a horrible experience again, but it all worked out and everything was okay.
One thing that really helped me is that we had a dog. I was able to take care of her. Even though she was not the baby that I so desperately wanted, she was a great comfort! I also found that talking about it with the people around me made me feel better.
Eventually things worked out and we were able to have a little one. She is 2 1/2 now. I can see that I needed to go through the miscarriages to truly appreciate being a mom. Hang in there. I truly believe that things happen for a reason. It will eventually work out and things will be okay. Good luck in your grieving process. I know how hard it is!

I am so sorry for your loss. Please take a little time to look for a support group in your community. Women I know who have done this, have found strength and support from sharing their thoughts and feelings with others who have gone through similar experiences. Your doctor's office should know of groups in your area that may be helpful. My thoughts are with you.

K.~
i am so sorry to hear this! my husband and i had decided to start a family almost 2 years ago. we are both young, 22,25 and thought it would be no big thing. we tried for over a year to concieve, and found out the day after christmas we were pregant. that joy was shortly lived we learned at 5-7 weeks that we were having a tubal pregancy that had to be removed. i went into a deep depression and from being on the very top of the world to feeling as i were at the very bottom. we were lucky and got pregant again 3 weeks after having the other removed. i am not saying that that is common just that sometimes miracles happen, what worked for me was to take it 1 day at a time, and make sure you give yourself as much time as you need to grieve because there was a loss. i hope the best for you and your husband, and will keep you in prayers!!

Only time can heal wounds, and talking about it is very important too. Although you didn't get to know these babies, they were yours and you will miss them. Try meeting with others who have lost, talking helps, holding it in and forgetting doesn't.
I have two friends who have both lost their children within a year of each other. The first one, her daughter was 4 and died suddenly, she was perfectly healthy, that was very very difficult, it will be a year April 30, as hard as it is, and a difficult road it's been to climb out of the hole, my friend has somehow still moved on and is due to have a baby (a boy-she was sad, but she can't replace her daughter) This has given her something to live for.
On the other hand, my other friend, her 12 year old son was suddenly out-of-the-blue, diagnosed with a brain tumor (again, healthy all these years) they fought best they could, but he just passed away on Feb. 8 this year. Somehow their faith has helped them through, they have a daughter who is 7, and all we can do is pray they find the strenghth to go on.
Turn to friends and family and tell them you have the need to talk about it, some will listen and be there for you.
Take care, and don't give up trying to have kids.

K., I wanted to have lots of children. I had my first at 37 years old. Now he is 15. Then I lost 2 babies. I was so upset. I felt like you do. I just walked around thinking that life is so unfair. The best thing for me was to turn to God and read his word, It says in the BIble that no man or women shall be barren. I read that scripture when I had no children and then I conceived my son. Yes, it still hurts knowing I could have 2 other children now. Just keep faith that there was a reason and I will pray that you will have lots of healthy babies. I don't know if I helped you or not. Men don't understand the attachment that starts to a Mother when the baby grows inside of us. The hurt is so hard to explain. My husband is the same way. Hang in there and right now it is okay to mourn your loss. Most women understand how you feel. You can email me anytime. God Bless, A. B.

I had a hard time with my miscarriage that accured back in 2005. I didn't want to talk to my mom or my husband's mom niether. If it wasn't for my husband and my son I would've never ever gotten off the couch.
I ended up having the baby and passing my plasenta also. It was the worst thing I've ever been through in my whole entire life. It was even worse when you have to see prgnant women and girls and all the babies. Mine was at 10 weeks and a week before Christmas.
I was overnite stocking at Walmart and there was a girl pregnant that worked one asile over from me and it was so hard to watch her go through her pregnancy and seeing the baby also.
I would consently ask God why me and why my baby. I then finally came to terms with the fact that my baby was taken for a reason, and God does things for a reason also.
All you can do is take it one day at a time and always talk things out with your husband when you are have bad feeling about what happened to you and your loving babies. You did nothing wrong and I would really like it if they would found out why these things happen to women.
What is crazy is that my mom had one between my brother and I and I had one between my son and duaghter. My sister feels that it is genetic or something and hopes it doesn't happen to her when she decides to have babies.
Well, I hope that I helped you a little and if not let me know please, K.

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Your hormones are still raging so that is probably contributing to the problem, but it sounds like you could be depressed. There are support groups for moms who have miscarried and lost children. Compassionate Friends is one I know of. Please, find one that's convenient for you as soon as possible because I can hear the pain you must be feeling in your letter. I will put you on our prayer list at church also. If you still don't feel better after attending a support group, contact your physician immediately so he can advise you further. You may want to contact him/her first anyway, because the doctor may know of a support group you can attend. Comfort, strength, wisdom and guidance to you and your husband as you deal with the loss of children.
H.

Let yourself mourn those two precious babies, and find a really good counselor that specializes in this. There are some really great support groups that help with this and know that what you are going through is needed for your heart and body to heal. My thoughts are with you.

Hi, K.. I am very sorry to hear about your loss, but know that you are not alone. I had two miscarriages, and one thing I learned while dealing with them is that many more women have had them than we know. It's just not something that lends itself to discussion, and sometimes women miscarry without knowing they were pregnant. THat doesn't relieve your pain, but it is good to know that it is not uncommon and that so many women go on to have normal, healthy pregnancies following miscarriages.

Like you, I was so distressed after the first miscarriage (especially since it would have been our first child), and then the second just added to the heartbreak. I had to have a D & C the second time only. I found support, though, from the women around me who shared their similar stories and from my family. My husband was particularly wonderful throughout. There is a chaplain at the school where I was a teacher, and what she told me made particular sense: miscarriage is your body's way of telling you that something isn't right with the baby. A continued pregnancy with that problem would not be good for the child, so you have to trust that your body knows what it's doing. Also, since you've never been pregnant before, your body isn't really conditioned to the kind of work it takes to grow a baby. Sometimes our bodies need to be more prepared, and yours just wasn't ready quite yet. IT will be, though, but you have to give it time.

Following my second miscarriage, I was worried about getting pregnant again. We gave it some time, and several months later I discovered I Was pregnant again-- with twins. I was very anxious through the whole pregnancy, but they arrived happy and healthy 37 weeks later. Trust your body, be patient, and know that you will get through this loss. Look ahead instead of behind and take care of yourself. It will happen.

I'm so sorry!!! I didn't even make it half way through your letter before I started crying. You got twice the heartache! I had a miscarriage on October 8,2006. I was 4 months along, happy, healthy, did everything and more to prevent a miscarriage. I got viral meningitis which caused a fever for four or five days. The doctor's guess is that was the cause of the miscarriage. I felt so empty inside. My days were monotonous, when I wasn't crying I was numb. Now I am 5 and a half months pregnant and am trying to believe this one will make it. But I'm so sceptical and from the very beginning of this pregnancy I have not been as careful, dirt biking, snowmobiling, caffeine. I have quite the attitude with this one. If it is meant to be here it will be healthy and make it no matter what I do or don't do. I was the perfect mom last time and it didn't make a difference. No one will say the right thing, no one will understand. I don't think I will ever be the same, I miss that innocent naive feeling I had the first time. My husband made a good point, I'm tough, strong, and a little more prepared for motherhood. I'm still sad, heartbroken and feel like I can't enjoy being pregnant because I'm protecting myself from what happens all the time. Oh, has anyone told you about their miscarriages? For me it didn't matter how common it was, I was just trying to deal with mine. I'm still dealing with it. You're going to hear, "It's nature taking care of what wasn't ready or healthy enough." "Isn't it better this way than having an unhealthy child!?" No matter what people say, even if you know they are speaking the truth, it doesn't take the pain away. My heart still hurts. I said to my husband over and over, "I miss the baby!" as tears would start to well up in eyes. My heart goes out to you. There are books on how to deal with loss, I didn't have the urge to read or hear anyone else's advise. I just wanted to get through the heartache, as time pasted it lessened, as I did my bit to morn in peace.
I hope you are blessed with better luck in the future!
Sending my love, J. W

K.... I'm sooo sorry you are going through this. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage also. I was almost 2 months along. My first doctor visit was 2 days away and I miscarried the night before my wedding. I know what you are going through. It is one of the hardest things a woman will face. I know you don't want to hear.. it will get better.. but it does. Although every year, on the day before my anniversary, and it will be 17 years this may, I always think of the baby I lost. Always wondered if it was a boy or girl, but God makes up for it. I now have a 14 year old daughter, a 12 year old boy and a surprise 11 month old baby girl. I promise you will get through it. The best thing I found was talking. I hope you feel better soon....

I am so sorry for your heart ache. I have had a few miscarriages and know that they can be difficult. Something that has helped me is to think positive and enjoy the moment. I think that that is the great trick in life. I hope this helped a little and that things go the way you would like in the future. I am so sorry that that happened.

Karen, My heart is full of sorrow and love for you and what you are going through. I lost my little girl at 21 weeks, she would be 7 now. I have also had a few miscarriages. Even though I now have 6 children I still get thoughtful and at times sad for those that I lost. The pain you are experienceing right now at times may be unbearable, but cling to your husband and even though he can't understand your pain and grief, having someone who loves you WILL get you through it all. I have to tell you that I don't think the pain is ever supposed to go away, that is what makes us women and mothers. It's ok to be sad, it's ok to mourn. One thing that helped me was a suggestion to start counseling others who have gone through what I did. It was difficult, but when I started trying to comfort and cheer them, I found myself lightening up and being happier and not focusing on what I lost, but what will be! Good luck sweetie, and keep praying. Peace and happiness will come. All my best.

Hi K., My thoughts and prayers go out to you. I wish I could hug you right now. I had a miscarriage last fall at 7 weeks. My husband and I were really wanting to start a family. We got pregnant right away, and we knew at 4 weeks, but there were other plans for our family. My biggest advice is to find a friend who's experienced a similar loss to talk to. My mom and most of my girlfriends tried really hard to be supportive. I heard things like "everything happens for a reason" and "God has a plan" and "this is nature's way of saying there's a problem" and they all sounded cold, insensitive, and thoughtless to me. There was nothing that could be said that would make me feel better. My husband tried his best to be supportive of me, but quickly learned that the best thing he could do was to let me cry and just hold me. The biggest healing thing for me was spending a day with a girlfriend who had also had a miscarriage a few months earlier. We talked, we cried, we hugged. It was great to have her validate some of the guilt and anger I was feeling, because she felt the same things. It was really healthy for both of us to talk about it and be upset and sad about it. A miscarriage, in my eyes, is a huge loss. Please find a friend to help you through this difficult time. It meant the world to me.

Dear K.,
Reading your message my heart just sinks. It is so painful to endure such a loss. I miscarried at 10 weeks and it was awful. I am not an expert on this, I just couldn't read your message and not respond. Time is really what will help. My doctor was so sweet in trying to soften the experience for me. He explained how the human body is an amazing thing and that it was a blessing that my body detected something wrong in the pregnancy so early instead of having a baby with serious problems. But, still I know that he had never miscarried. We just never know when or why, we just have to know that it will all be alright. You will make it through. Things will be great again and you will be a mother someday. I now have twins. For now just take it one day at a time. No one ever was asked to take on three days at once. Praying is exactly the right thing to do. I started painting to distract me. It seemed that many rooms in the house changed color. It helped me feel in control of something. Hang in there and know that life is still great and things will only get better as each day passes.
A. C.

i feel for you ...and the only thing that helps is time , and it seems to me men really dont understand - they don t know what it is like to have a baby inside you . but time will eventually help . i wish you nothing but support and comfort i pray it will help you and your family.

I had a etopic pregnancy that ended in an emergency surgery and I lost a tube. Having PCOS and being told that I should never have children, this was very hard. Two months later I got pregnant again. Long story but I was told the baby had a big chance of not surviving due to a cousin of down syndrome. We did all the test and ultra sounds and were finding that the baby was not showing any unnormal signs. We only needed to find the umbillical cord and we would be sure the blood work was wrong. At 6 months exactly I went in for the final ultra sound and found no heart beat. I had to carry the baby four days until giving induced labor. I gave birth to a perfectly healthy still born baby girl who had died due to the umbillical cord wrapped around her neck five times....this is UNHEARD OF!!! I was crushed and my husband was destroyed. He was a shell of a person for over a year. I know that life seems as if it won't get any better but I swear to you it does. We named our baby and have her in an ern. One year to date I got pregnant again and chose not to do the blood work to test for problems. I gave birth to a wonderful baby girl who makes life as if its a dream come true. I will never forget my other children that didn't make it, but I have managed to survive. My husband got a tattoo of our other baby girl on his chest and he came back to life because he doesn't feel as if moving on means he's forgotten now. My advice is realize that things have a way of working themselves out one way or another. Crying is good, remembering is good, but knowing it gets better is priceless! There are support groups out there that are willing to help you. Contact your local hospital if you are interested. I didn't but I know they help those who go most of the time. Some advice,,,,your husband is most likely shattered just like you but men handle things differently. He is most likely more worried about you than his own feelings right now. Hold him tight and know that life will get better with time. Most of all remember that grieving is good for you as long as you remember that IT WILL GET BETTER....but you will never forget.

Hi K.,
My heart pours out to you and your husband. And I hope I can support you. I practice a form of massage called Mayan Abdominal Massage. The technique is incredibly beneficial for women especially those dealing with miscarriage. I have been doing this work for over 9 years and have seen women come out of the darkness that can come with miscarriage. The work is designed to support the health of the uterus, balance the hormonal flow and bring you back into your body so you can feel grounded and whole. If you are curious or more intersted please contact me either via email or you can call me at ###-###-####. L. Golub Clinical Herbalist

K., I am so sorry for your loss! The best advise I had is to talk about it when you fell like talking about it to someone who you trust and know that with time you will learn how to live life without it hurting so much and sometimes you will be doing fine and then you will have a bad day again... just hang in there. Take good care of yourself especially if you want to try again (at a later date) for children.

K.,

I want to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I know how difficult this time is for you. I also had several miscarriages, and my heart goes out to you. My husband was a great help, but just did not completely feel the effects of my loss. Although I now have six children after very difficult pregnancies, I will never forget my loss. I will pray for you and your husband to give you strengh.

I had a miscarriage before my little girl who is now 14mo's. I lost the baby at 8 weeks. I had an ultrasound at 7 weeks, and eveything was just fine - heart beat and all. At about 9 weeks I started bleeding and didn't find out I lost the baby until I thought I was 13 weeks. The Dr. would try to hear the heart beat when I was bleeding and I was so stressed out that they would get my heart beat of 120 beats a min and not the baby's. The whole thing was so sad, and I found out through an ultrasound that I had lost my baby.

After the misscrriage we started "trying" 3 months after my D&C. A total of 5 months after my D&C we were excited to hear we were expecting again.

When I was expecting my litle girl, I was worried everyday that I would also have a miscarrige with her. I had ultrasounds every month and I would almost be in tears, shaking each time I awaited the heart beat. I am expecting now and it's the same worring all over again. I will never know what its like to just enjoy expecting a baby.

All I can say is this.....

Eveything happens for a reason, and sometimes we don't know why and never will. As I see my daughter now, I wouldn't have wanted anyother baby but her. Maybe she was the one waiting to be our daughter!!!!

You are not alone!!! 1 out of 5 women have a miscarriage!!!

Good luck and I hope everything turns out for you - I AM SURE IT WILL!!!!

Hi K.,
I am so sorry for your loss, I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. My advise to you would be to go see a counselor they cannot mend your broken heart, but they can help you work with what you are going through, and when the time is right move forward. I pray that you will be comforted.
I would like to keep in touch with you if you would like, I don't know how that works because this is my first time on this sight, so I will try to find out. You are not alone.
One more thought is to avoid judging yourself there is no right or wrong timing when it comes to healing, it will take some time allow yourself to grieve. Please talk to someone you don't have to deal with this by yourself.
Sincerely thinking of you, C.

K.,
One of the hardest things in life to deal with is death even when we have never seen the life in us. I had a miscarriage when I was 19 (that was years ago now) and like you I cried often. I had twins my first full term pregnancy though. The thing is that you do need to go through a grieving process. This will go in stages for you also. You may even cry the day they were supposed to be born and maybe once on Mother's Day. This is all natural. I'm glad you are praying for comfort and believe me God will supply that for you and he may even use your husband to be that comfort. Allow your husband to grieve also even if it feels that your process should be about you, it can't because hubby was apart of their life. There had to be some reason God took them home so quickly, no suffering for them only sorrow for your loss. Thank Him for not allowing them to suffer in this old world. I'm truly sorry you are hurting.
K.

Dear K.,

It is hard, my heart goes out to you. We had several miscarriages and ectopic pregnancies before we decided to adopt. Despite what others may tell you, you lost a baby, you need to grieve. The loss isn't as real to your husband, as it wasn't growing inside his body. There are also hormones in play that are making the grief harder ... eventually with time, it gets easier. It will always be a loss, but it does get less sharp as the time passes. If you start feeling suicidal, or that you cannot go on I urge you to talk to your doctor or pastor. It is normal to be depressed, and asking for help is something you should not be ashamed of. Some people find solace in talking to others that have been through similiar experiances. But grief is extremely personal and needs to be worked on your own timetable and not what others expect. I cried a lot and even entertained ideas about not having the ectopic pregnancy terminated ... even knowing that it wasn't really an option. We have since adopted a little girl, and I am so happy! She seems to have filled that void.

I wish you peace. It will get better, I promise.

A.

You are doing what is natural and healthy. Don't rush the grieving process. Time is the healer. You will have children someday and this will help you heal tremendously. For now, just take it a day at a time, journal, get creative and make some journal art. I don't know if you are sprititual at all, but I believe some souls only need to come in for a small time in utero. In every hardship there is a treasure to take, and someday you will see what the treasure from this situation is. I'm sorry for your loss. Remember all things are impermanent.