26 answers

Dealing with Judgemental People in Church

How do you deal with people at church being so judge mental? I love my church and our new Pastor, and I do not want to go to any other church. Yet my heart hurts that I always feel talked about, or not as good as others at church. Yes I'm praying, but I don't know how long I ccan hold on!

1 mom found this helpful

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Well, I did exactly what some of you suggested. I called the person I thought was doing the talking. I told her I was sorry if I had done anything to hurt her or offend her. She said she excepted and was sorry if she had done anything to hurt me. I hope from here on out everything is better! I still kind of feel like I want to stay to my self from here on out. This just hurt way to bad.

More Answers

Hi D.,

I couldn't pass up responding to your letter. First let me start by saying "I understand completely!" I too have had first hand experiences with people in church being mean and nasty, judgemental and critical...sometimes right to my face! My kids have been rejected, hurt, left out and felt the pain as they watched the kids that called themselves "friends" do things to purposley "one up" and hurt them. Many times I have asked myself...why am I here? Why am I doing this? And I keep coming back to the same thing...hurting people hurt people. Now that doesn't make it any easier, but we have to find that place inside of us that says, "I am confident enough in myself to know that anything those "nice" people might say to me is because they have their own issues that they are dealing with". People are mean and judgemental because they don't feel good about themselves...or they are jealous...or they are going through a hard time too! It's so hard to be able to stand on top of it and find that place where you actually have compassion towards the other people...but you really need to know that 9 times out of 10 YOU are NOT the problem! It's called "projection"....I don't feel good about myself and I see things in you that remind me of the things that I don't want to deal with in my own life...so instead of dealing with MY issues...I pick on YOURS! Then I feel better! It's ironic...isn't it? I have also found that it seems that I begin to feel a tremendous amount of pressure to BOLT or to ROLL OVER just before God opens a new door to me. There is direct resistance to my spiritual walk trying to inhibit me from actually making it to the "other side". God give us grace. Consider the fact that God has a special plan for you in your church with your new Pastor. Listen to your heart and follow your peace. You will know when it's time to go...but don't leave because of "people". Leave because you know God has opened the next door and it's time to go. Find a place to get involved in your church and use your gifts and talents...find your PASSION! And let it shine! I pray for God's grace over you! By the way...I'm a Pastor's wife...(smile)

2 moms found this helpful

Hi D.,
I am a pastor's wife and have been at the receiving end of someone's judgement. People are going to continue to walk in human weaknesses and continue to judge regardless of what the Word teaches us. All churches have judemental people in the pews so my advice to you is bless them. It's hard, but forgiveness isn't about them saying 'I'm sorry' to you it's about you saying 'I love youw and bless you' to them. If their judement remains constant it's discord and it leads to bitterness then to anger and if no one will deal with the problem perhaps it is time to find another church where peace and unity is more abundant. You will eventually become consumed with the same spirit and it could lead to your spiritual distruction. Have you considered speaking to your pastor about this? You could be the catalist for this change.
I pray you will find peace either in your church or another.
K. D.

2 moms found this helpful


I have been raised in church, and I love being in God's presence too. However, judgmental and church should not be in the same sentence - sadly it happens. You may love your new pastor and that's great - but if you are feeling talked about etc...in my opinion you have two options. 1. Confront the issue with the person/people that are talking about you and/or 2. Find a church home that you can feel truly at home at.

Be blessed and highly favored,


2 moms found this helpful

Unfortunately what you are experiencing happens in so many churches. You can either ask to speak with the people that are talking about you and set things right (communication is the key) or you can forget about them and go to church to worship and focus on the Lord, ignoring what's going on. This is very hard. I know you are supposed to have a group of believers to help and encourage you and worship as a body, but this is rare in today's church (which is super discouraging).
Be diligent and with perseverance God will bring you peace. Focus on Him. He is the one that matters.
Gob bless.

1 mom found this helpful

I'm late -- the kids need breakfast -- but I had to respond very quickly to a complex question.

Human beings are pre-wired to be judgmental. Sometimes that could be a life saving attribute and also helpful to keep members in society "in check" -- avoiding the temptations of sinful behavior.

Many times we must examine our own feelings & thoughts and not allow ourselves to judge others without compassion or harshly.

I LOVE attending church because the people who attend each Sunday know they are flawed & they need help from God. They admit it -- openly & honestly -- by their simple presence each week.

I have many friends who DO NOT attend church because they say the churches are filled with "hypocrites." Of course, it is so much easier to say that and not rise on Sunday mornings and attend church. Of course, it is also easier to point out another person's flaws rather than look at our own flaws.

But, overall, I concentrate on God & think about how he judges me & not what other human beings around me think. Constantly, I pray that God will make me strong to DO what he wants and BE what he wants.

Your focus right now seems to be on "humans." Put your focus on God. Also, you never know -- and we are creatures of habit, so I understand you do not want to change churches. But pray about it -- nevertheless. sometimes if you do not feel right in one church there is another church you are supposed to be attending. It took me many years to realize I was supposed to be attending a different House of God's.

Don't let people stand in the way of your relationship with God.

1 mom found this helpful

Sorry you feel this way...
I've been in church my whole life. My grandfather has been a pastor for 35 years. He started in one church and it was our families home church. After he retired he, along with our whole family, got pushed to the side and treated differently. I thought it would go away. My grandpa came out of retirement to a new church. I had grown up in the first church, so my husband and I decided to try and stay there since the "gossip" wasn't geared specifically towards us. We mainly attended my home church for about a year and went to my grandpa's new church once a week for a service. Everyone at the new church was so inviting and kind and my husband and I noticed and like it. We didn't want to change churches but felt more at home. We prayed and prayed about it and now (before we moved) attend the church my grandpa currently pastors.
Definatly keep praying about it. If the people at this church hinder your worship, pray harder! Only God knows!

1 mom found this helpful

I am also a stay at home mom of 2 with one on the way. I am a regular church goer who knows all about "church folk." Paul incourages us to let nothing seperate us from the love of God. As Christians we are always being judged. outside and inside the church. This is hurtful becuse we don't expect to be treated this way from those who are suppose to love and encourage us. CONTINUE to pray and read Romans 8:38,39 and no matter what others say let no one seperate you or take you out of the church

1 mom found this helpful

WOW! You're right, you know. There is not a single church that you will find where no one is judgemental. It was like this even in Jesus' day. You know, he called the church leaders a bunch of snakes! Some people still are. Please realize that you don't have to be "good enough" for those judgemental people. Jesus loves you no matter who or what you are. He loves you no matter what station you have in life. He just wants a willing heart. If you give him that, He can use you. He loves you just as you are. Please remember not to let yourself get caught up in the gossip chain, too. It only took a few phone calls for my church people to realize that I would not listen to their talking about others, neither would I contribute. Now, the only calls I get are from my prayer chain leader or from someone else asking for prayer. Sure, they're going to talk about you because you are different. God called us to be set apart, to be different, to be a witness even through our lifestyles and choices. Otherwise, if we are just like everybody else, what would attract the ungodly to us, and ultimately to Jesus? Celebrate your Godly differences and snuggle up to Jesus! God bless you and hold you close as you endeavor to make sense of why so-called Christians treat others wrongly. I'm so sorry for that and will pray with you about it. (I'm a stay at home mom of 3 girls and just started a home business. Glad I saw you out here!)

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