*Dealing with Feelings & Emotions*

My best advise is to just stop feeling this way towards her. I know it sounds quick to say that, but if you let this continue to grow, she will feel shut out. I am almost 40 and do everything in my power with my two girls to NOT be like my mother. I still cant get my mother to be happy with me and really when I was younger, I wasnt that bad of a kid. She is just bitter and cold. Dont be that to her. I am an only child as well.

L.,

I TOTALLY understand.....my daughter is 12 going on 20, and I feel the exact same way. We have our good days and bad days, but it is hard to "like" her sometimes. I tell her that no matter how much she says that she hates me and is disrespectful, etc that I will always love her. Like yourself, I am a single mom, and it is very hard going at it alone. There are times when it is very difficult for me to have a conversation with her because she can be so mean and hateful. As hard as it is for me, I try to let her say her "peace", and then when she is done I tell her that her attitude, tone, and behavior is not allowed in our home. I also tell her not to speak to me unless she can speak nicely. I would love to tell you it works all the time, but it does a little.

Being single moms, we have to be the mom and dad and take the brunt of the "teenage years" all by ourselves. I really hope that someday she will look back know how hard that I have tried to be there for her, and give her enough love for both a mom and a dad. Stick to your guns!!! I know how frustrating it all can be.........I feel your pain. I might not have given you much advice, but know this......this too shall pass.......hopefully..........and not soon enough huh!? Ha ha!

It is good that you tell her that her words hurt you. She needs to realize that what she says and does effects other people besides her. My daughter does not like for me to hug on her, and it hurts terribly. BUT I still try........someday she will hopefully come around. And there are some days where I don't even want to look at her, but it doesn't mean I don't love her.......just keep telling her how much you love her no matter how horrid she is to you!

If you ever need to talk, just let me know! I completely understand the single mom side, and please know that you aren't alone!!

D.

I was an only child and had a pretty good relationship with my mom but I remember us clashing pretty good at about this age. I look back and remember several heated arguments with me screaming things like "I hate you" which of course I didn't but was so angry I didn't have any other words or coping skills to handle it.

My mom ALWAYS made time for me. ALWAYS...I was lucky to come home to cookies and conversation...no matter how boring or mundane my day was, she would widdle it out of me. She never gave me answers to anything but would always get me to solve my own problems by asking me thoughtful questions so I could draw my own conclusions. We did mother/daughter outings...be it for shopping, movies, walk in the park, or just for dessert and coffee/Coke. Spending time with your kid doesn't HAVE to cost money...YOUR TIME and UNDIVIDED attention is the greatest gift you can possibly give her. If we had a heated arguement she'd give us both time to cool off and then reapproach me...we usually ended up in tears and apologizing but we always had a greater appreciation of the other's point of view because of it.

Yes, restrictions suck. Man, I remember them...I agree with the allowance thing or the idea of her getting a p-t job or babysitting. My parents did me no favors in telling me no but then always buying what I wanted for my birthday, Easter, or Christmas...it only taught me that I could still get what I wanted if I just waited long enough...but the reality of the situation is as an adult, I didn't want to wait and therefore got caught up in the debt trap. Teach her the values now, spend the time with her. Find out her interests and BE INTERESTED in what she's doing. You may not like it as much as she does but the fact that you are willing to try to appreciate the things she likes shows your genuine interest in her. If you can't recapture the love and nurturing for your child then you are in for a very long and lonely road ahead of you because I can assure you that when she is old enough to move out she will and never look back.

It's easy to love our teenagers, but not always easy to 'like' them. As others have said, you need to be consistent and stick to your convictions. And yes, you are her parent, not her friend. BUT.... that doesn't mean you can't do friend things together. There are 'free' things to do, here in St. Louis, too. The Science Center is a fun place. My daughter and I just went there and had a blast! If you, occasionally, let your hair down and be a kid again, your daughter will see that you are human. You could go to the zoo together. Winter is harder, because of the cold. I just had an idea. My daughters and I have made it a tradition to go to the Harvester Christian Church's ". You might have your daughter invite a friend and go there one evening. It's cold, but it's so much fun, with cookies and cocoa at the end. No cost! I seem to be rambling. But the main thing is I think if you plan a time to do something together, periodically, it will help. She will see that you can have fun, and not be 'all work'.

L., what a good mom you are. Beleive me when I tell you this is normal, and I think many moms would agree. You have to remember that you are dealing with not only your daughter but your own make up as well. When someone you love hurts you it is hard to put it aside. When that hurt is added up over time it take its toll.

I am not an expert in this field and so I would not take what I am about to say as a matter of fact. I can only tell you what has worked in my family. When I reach a point like this with one of my children, I take the time to sit down and talk to them during a good time. When we can both feel that things are going a little smoother than they may have been a few days earlier. I them tell them that I am human, just like them and I get hurt. I tell them how hard it can be to act the way they want me to when I have been hurt. I let them know that I love them, I always love them. But then I let them know that loving them is not the issue, the issue is that it is hard for me to do the things I know I should when I am hurting so much.

In our case it has helped. I have set aside certain words that I use when I begin feeling that way and for years they have come to know what that means. One of the things I do is hold up my hands and say I am done. Fighting with you hurts so much and I just dont want to hurt like that so I am done fighting with you, and I walk away. They understand that it is done out of love and not because I am walking away from them. Later when we both calm down it is easier to talk about it.

I am convinced that kids see their parents as an ever loving machine, that never gets tired, resentful, or is at a loss of love. I think it is hard for them to see beyond the fact that we are parents and into the fact that we too are human. In my family it has helped to allow them to see that I too am human, and at times my emotions make it difficult for me to do the mom thing in the way that is best. I hope this has helped.

I'm going to try to keep this short. The main point I want to make is that we all, as parents, need to remember that we are our kids' PARENTS, not their FRIENDS. They have plenty of friends who will tell them what they want to hear and join them when they make bad choices. What our kids need is discipline, leadership, and expectations of right behavior. This is, of course, to be backed up by unconditional love. My kids are still young (almost 5 & 7) but I try to tell them every day that there is nothing they can do that will make me stop loving them, but when they make the wrong choices, they will suffer the consequences BECAUSE I love them and it is my job as their mother to teach them what is right.

Hard as it must have been, when we as kids would say something about wanting to move out of the house, my dad (who raised us) would tell us that we were more than welcome to move out. He wasn't being mean or nasty when he'd say this. He'd tell us that he provides us with a warm, loving home, food, clothing, and many other comforts, but if that doesn't make it worth following his rules, we should probably look for a place that is more suitable for us. He was not willing to change what was considered right and wrong to suit us, and because of that, we not only learned what was right and wrong, but how important it was to stick with our convictions.

There were times when I really did not like living at home. I didn't like having rules to follow. But I knew better than to break them. There was never a question as to whether or not my dad loved me...that was always clear. But so were his expectations of me.

Best of luck with your struggles. You daughter needs you to stick to your convictions, even if she doesn't WANT you too. Look to the Lord for strength. He gave your daughter to you for you to be responsible for, and He can give you the tools to properly fulfill that responsibility. God bless you and your daughter!

I don't doubt that you love your daughter, but I think that your feelings although not always something we have control over are an indication that you need some extra support. I would suggest counselling for just you or even family counselling for the both of you.

In the mean time, make yourself be affectionate, even if a child is being difficult to love, they still need that, she is old enough to pick up on how you feel. Try and say something positive every day if words don't come easy...write her a note.

I am in the process of a really hard time with my oldest and he is just 12, my sympathies are with you.

B.

My girls are still little, so I can't speak as an experienced mama, but I think some counseling would be a good idea, maybe just for you, or maybe family counseling with your daughter. You need to deal with your feelings, and you can model for her positive ways to deal with difficult feelings. It might even be an opportunity for your relationship to grow into a closer and more respectful relationship than ever.

One thing I do know for certain: if you ignore your feelings, or try to talk yourself out of them, they will NOT go away. Please do take some kind of action, even if it's just reading Scream-Free Parenting by Runkel. Good book, but really with the right counselor you will get much, much more out of the experience.

Hi L.,

Sherrie had some very good thoughts and points. And just like her I am not an expert in counseling but I think we can all say we are "experts in training" when it comes to feelings/emotions and family members.

On one hand I can't say I understand, but then on the other I think that is is very normal especially with teen girls and especially between mother's and daughters!
We have been extremely lucky with both of our kids. Our 18 year old son is and always has been a very caring/sensitive kid. Even when he pushed his limit and he knew I was about to explode he would back down in a heartbeat instead of hurting and disappointing me. Our daughter on the other hand, who is now 14, continues to argue her point and is determined to have the last word! But even though she is hard-headed and stubborn we have not had to deal with outright lying or defiance. Just normal teen-girl stuff.
I keep saying "we" because I am fortunate enough to have my husband to back me up. So I admire you soooo much for being a hard-working GREAT mother and doing it by yourself! There is a special place in heaven for single moms!

Now for a personal perspective. . .I think so much drama is because we are mothers and daughters. I LOVE my mom so much and she too was a single mom for many years who worked her behind off to provide for my brother and I. She is also a cancer survivor and my hero!!! BUT a few years ago when she was going through treatment, she said and did some horrible things to me. As a nurse I completely understand the range of emotions that people go through during times like that. But is was very difficult to stand there as a daughter and take it. So I guess, from that stand point, I understand what you're asking about the feelings and emotions. I'm sorry to say that that time did change our relationship. Of course I have forgiven her and again, I understand, but it is difficult to forget especially since to this day she still says it was things I did or said that provoked her. Which, believe me was not the case.

I'm rambling. . .your relationship with your daughter may never be idealistic and she may always see things from her point of view, but I can tell you love her. You need to come to grips within your being that you are doing the best that you can with what you have. And I don't mean monetarily either. Parenting doesn't come with instructions manuals and most of us wing it. Just keep reinforcing that you love her and care for her and rules do mean you love them!

Hugs!

Lori K

Hi L.,

I have 3 daughters and one son. They are all grown the oldest being 31 down to the youngest who is 21. I can strongly relate to what you're going through. I have had my share of those feelings, believe me. But, they never should get in the way of your love for your daughter. Spend some time with her doing something that you and she like to do. Most kids at this age, want to have more freedom and cannot understand why parents won't let them have it. Stick to your guns on this though, because at the same time, they really need some guidance. My children are doing well and really try to make good choices. They still mess up from time to time, but they always say, thanks mom for showing us the way. If she is lying, make sure she understands that by lying, you cannot trust her when she asks to do something that you feel she's not ready for. Also, check and see who she's hanging out with. One of my daughters thought that the only persons that understood her were her friends. She found out later that that wasn't the case. Peer pressure can be very strong for some of these kids. Any way, good luck and I'll be praying for you and your daughter.

If she's 15 she could babysit for her own money or give her an allowance and she can't have more money than that for things. I have 2 daughters who are 24 & 26, believe me there are lots of times when you won't like them, of course you always love them, but they do have minds of their own and will use it usually to test you!
My daughter had a friend who would give her daughter a certain amount of money each week and she had to pay for school lunch and anything she wanted to do that week, my aunt carried it further by having her kids pay for any extra even a coke at Quiktrip when they were together. I found that when I gave my kids an allowance they always had more money than me, so I had trouble giving them more on a regular basis, they usually got anything they wanted anyway.
Stick to your guns with the no money thing if you don't have it, another friend would guilt her mother into things, one Easter my daughter said that her friend was crying to her mom because she was the only one without a new Easter dress, at the time her mom was between jobs and barely getting by, she went and bought a dress for her daughter then came home and cried for the rest of the night because she really couldn't afford it, the daughter didn't seem to care! Don't let this be you, this girl is so mixed up now, she now lets people treat her badly and she still craves their attention, remember you are teaching your daughter by example, it's you she will emulate. My daughters now tell me they are glad that they had the restrictions I gave them, they see how it is helping them be realistic now.

Happy Holidays to you too! I am not a counselor and I am sure I don't really know how things are for you. You may indeed want to talk to a counselor or therapist about your feelings.
My daughter was a pretty good egg until about 15 years old. It did seem like she wanted to be rid of me. When I would finally walk away after an arguement, I would think, boy, if she really wants me out of her life, FINE!
That was my red flag that I needed to do the opposite. I would go talk to her again, let her know I was not perfect, but for the time being, this is how things had to be. I'd respect her feelings whether she respected mine or not. It wasn't a time to give in, but maybe I could say what I needed to say with less bad feelings. At least, I would say something like if I didn't love you I won't go through all this! It may not have changed a lot, but at least it ended with an I love you instead of whatever angry words we had used before.
For my daughter it worked, she's 22 now and she likes to think of me as mom and friend. She actually said those words!
Don't be afraid of seeking professional help, if you think you need it.

L., This is a tough age for parents to say the least..they are trying to find independence but don't know how. I think after raising 3 children of my own, that one suggestion would be for you to try setting down with your daughter and go over your finances together...because children think we are made of money sometimes..ask her for her help in figuring out how much money there is for entertainment and then give her an allowance just for this purpose so she has to make the choices...when it is gone well, it is gone... B. Strong

My little ones aren't at that age...yet. It's realistic to anticipate resistance from teenagers. I, too, am afraid of losing that nurturing quality when the time comes. It's scary to think I could possibly lose it, so it's also important to hang on to what we've got.
I have no idea if this will help, but it's worth a try....go through old photos/videos of happy memories with her. Regain some ground by traveling back in time to when she was younger and less resistant. Both have a laugh about funny things that she would do as a baby or toddler that she wouldn't remember. Add stories about you that she doesn't know already. (my kids are always in awe that I was a child, too at one time)
The important thing here is to spend quality time together and "get back that lovin' feelin'" (sorry, couldn't help the song lyric)
I agree that counseling would be the best remedy, but thought I would try to add something you can do on your own.
Thank you for being brave and posting such an emotional matter. Please let us know how you're doing.
Good Luck!

Hi L.!

I do not have teenagers but Im 25 and my teenage years with my mother and I are still very fresh to me. First of all, I was a horrible, ungrateful, crazy brat. I realize you and her are very close but she needs guidance from you. She learns from you whether you think shes listening or not. My mother and I would get in horrible fights but you know what, I knew right from wrong, she taught me that. When I was doing something bad that I wasnt supposed to be doing I would think about the things my mom said to me, yes I still did bad things but I didnt do half the things other kids were doing because I knew better. I think as a teenager you go through a rebellious stage and you just have to get some things out of your system. I know I had to be hard to love sometimes. Your daughter needs to know there are consequences of what she does. Of course your going to be mad and her. If she does something bad and you give her a hug for it she is going to think, hey I got away with that didnt I? What else can I get away with? You need to teach her and get her ready for life. Looking back at it all I know I was the one that was wrong. I never looked back and said my mom didnt nuture me enough. I was just glad she never gave up on teaching me and guiding me because at that age thats what I needed. I am sorry you have to go through this, Im sorry my mom did, and I bet I will with my daughter. Ugh the thought of it terrifies me!! Dont feel bad about being mad at her, coming from someone who did that, you deserve to be mad. Dont be so h*** o* yourself. She will realize what a great mom you are!

Man L... thats a h*** o*e! I have two older girls and remember going through those feelings. It is very disruptive to have all the arguing etc. You are the ONE person who she can count on NOT to judge her and accept her for who and what she is. Do not let her down. Bite your tongue and pick your battles. The wkend thing is in every house hold so that is sooo minor. Whatever you do, make sure you support and compliment her when she is doing good even if that is not often! Her age is horrible. Boys are rude and want one thing, girls are mean and say terrible things, she could be going through a lot and taking it out on the one she loves. YOU. If she can't count on you, then who??? I had to force my one trouble child to go places with me just to spend time with her and tried to talk to her about things in the car so she couldn't walk away. She may look out the window but she is listening. You will have many more years of this until she matures some and looking back I wish I could take many things back that was said. You have a chance to start now and really push those negative thoughts back and remember she is a mini you. Good luck and hope you have a great Christmas!
J.

I applaud you for looking for help which shows what a good mom you are because that is what we moms do when we don't have the answers. I don't know if you are a religious person but when things get overwhelming for me I pray to God and ask him to take this burden off me so that I may be a better mom and after a few days of prayers I feel much "lighter" and ready to focus on the situation and/or life better. Best of luck and keep up the good work.

Merry Christmas
J.

I always thought that I didn't have to be nice or do anything for someone who treated me badly. Including my children. Don't you love it when they throw a fit and 2 hours later come to you asking you for money, a ride, permission to do something? Over my dead body.

Things have changed so much. Teenager use to mean someone who was between 13 and 19. Now its a condition that everyone has to live through. When we let our kids start calling the shots and throwing fits and yelling at us, we are on a slippery slope. We have given them too much power when this happens

Don't worry about how you feel. Of course you love her, thats a given and you always will but you don't have to like her. In fact you would be a little nuts to like someone who is treating you badly.

I hope you can find someone you can talk to who will support you in this.

L.,
I am so sorry to hear this. It reminds me of what I went through with my middle son. It was the most difficult years
of my life with him. I actually got to feeling like I hated him. After a couple years of the hardest time we ever saw, I felt convicted. As a believer in Jesus and trying to walk with Him. I was convicted in the fact that I hated a gift God gave me. Because my husband and I believe children are a gift from God. Once I repented and got right with God myself, things with my middle son got better. I would not say they were great and definitely not perfect, but better.
And now he is 24 years old and finally growing up and doing what he should do.
I do hope things get better for you and your daughter. I know the young people today think they know everything and do life without us. But the truth of the matter is they can't and we live in a really cruel world. My middle son was actually homeless for quite some time. So, I really hope your daughter will realize that you are her support system.
God bless you and my you find strength as you and your daughter find a way to grow together and be a family.