Dealing with Extended Families

I agree and disagree with some of the other posters. I do think that you should keep clothing at your home for your partner's son. This way you will not have to run out and buy new clothes for him every visit, and the mom will not get the benefit of not having to buy new clothing. I also think that you should first document how much money is spent for his visits and then have a sit down with your partner, be prepared, show him what is being spent, show him your current budget and then make suggestions, such as saving money from HIS weekly expenses to have a little extra money left over for the son's visits. This way, you are not taking away from the other children, but instead taking away from the dad.

I am not sure how much child support your partner sends, but raising a child is expensive as you well know. If all of this childs expenses are coming from child support, and I include in those expenses, a portion of the rent/mortgage, groceries, medical expenses, school functions/expenses, etc. then you can't really throw that in the ex's face.

I am the product of divorce and my father never paid jack in child support. He was pretty regular about sending the check, but it was hardly enough to even support half of my expenses.

Good Luck, and be patient!

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Fun time is what counts! There are 2 points below:
I HATE HOW PARENTS (like the child's Mom) PLAY GAMES AND USE THE KIDS AS BLACKMAIL MATERIAL -- ALL IT DOES IS MESSES UP THE KIDS MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL HEALTH, FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES!!!!!!
1. I raised my son, from the time he was a baby, all by myself (no child support), and worked more than full time, just to barely pay the bills. Every extra cent went to him, for toys, etc., to make ME feel better about the time we were missing with each other. In a recent conversation (he's now 22), he said he was just as happy spending time with me, and playing with me, even if it was when we made something creative out of a cardboard box. He said he didn't really want all the things I bought him, but it seemed to make me feel better!!!!!!!!! I've been assembling his old toys, to sell at a flea market. There are boxes full of JUNK (almost brand new toys) that he played with for a short time and then got tired of. These are what we didn't previously donate. WHAT a WAKEUP CALL!?! It's unbelieveable how much spendable cash I came up with in trying to make him happier! I wish I had realized this much sooner!
2. As long as you take part in the game the Mom is playing (enable her bad behavior by sending the child to you with small clothes and shoes), she will continue to manipulate you!!! We used to go a long time without new clothes or shoes, when I was growing up, and we were Ok with that. Also, the son will stop holding your emotions hostage when he realizes that he's not getting a new wardrobe every 2 weeks. There may be some continued tantrums, from the child (and the Mom) while the behavior is being changed, but it will eventually norm itself out! Explaining the changes (and why) to the child, is important. All of the Parents learning to bond together as a team, and talking about child rearing issues is important. I suggest y'all try this. Now to diligently address this: Your partner needs to also do a reality check on buying the expensive clothes, etc. to see if he isn't trying to show his superiority over his ex, and prove to his son that he's the "best" parent! There are so many other, better, ways!!

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Dump your "partner."

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First of all, do you and he split everything up the middle or do you put everything in one pot?? If you split things up the middle, then when his money runs out, he is out. Do not let him charge on anything of yours or borrow money to spend. If he gets mad, too bad for him. If you have everything in one pot and he over spends on his son, then show him the bills and let him deal with it. If he sees it on paper he might be able to grasp it better. If he is including you and your daughter on his little spending fests, then find other things to do that don't cost money or minimal money. You don't need to go to the mall everytime the son comes to visit. I think his mom probably sends him over in clothes that don't fit, because she knows he will come home in something new. I would even suggest that he have a set of clothes that he goes back and forth in and his own clothes that fit him at your place. My sister has a stepson that the same thing happen to. This is the way she dealt with it. She set her budget with her husband and they shopped at the same time for ALL the kids twice a year. The clothes they bought for the stepson stayed mostly at their house. They bought some for his mothers house. They also spoke to him about the care of his clothes so that he would not feel that he was entitled to new clothes everytime he visited, he was about 12 then. His mother actually would return clothes to the stores if she knew where they were bought and keep the money, believe it or not. The reason for his having clothes at their place so that he would also feel part of their home. Activities out with the family, like picnics, baseball, basketball and any other out door sport fit their lifestyle and they had fun and spend quality time with him and made a pact to never discuss his mother with the child or with each other in his presence. The son eventually moved in with my sister and her husband and is now a 1st year college student. Reality is that if you are going to make a go of your relationship, everyone has to be included on the plan, you, him, your children and his along with doing activities that can be enjoyed by all of you. If he is not willing to do that--then maybe its time to find someone that is. Money is the root of all evil. We never have enough and you can't take it with you. Good luck to you, V. n.

When you go out and buy him some new clothes keep them with you and send him back in the ones that he came in. I had the same situation. The mother is only doing that so that she doesn't have to buy them herself which the child support money is for the child not the mother

i just want to say...Buying your childs love is not a good idea. Your partner needs to relize being a good parent is also being able to set limits. Which your partner does with you daughter and not his son. You possible need to split your monies and he pay his bills and fun and you pay your bills and fun.
That way you can make sure you treat your daughter fairly to. Remember your daughter will remember you are the one responsible for if your daughter is treated fairly to.
Good Luck!

Keep the clothes, shoes, IPOD, etc. (you get the picture) that you and your partner buy for him at your house. He has two homes, therefore he should have two sets of things. Does he have a TV/DVD at his mom's house? Does he bring it with him when he visits? Just because the clothes and small things are mobile, doesn't mean that he should transport them back and forth. If he is in too small clothes when he arrives, is that all he has packed to bring? Who does his packing? How capable is an 11 year old of packing the proper things. He may just be grabbing the closest, convenient thing without thinking of what he is packing. He is a boy, afterall. His ratty clothes could be the result of a coniving ex or the games of a clever 11 year old. Kids are smart these days, they know how to play their parents at a very early age.

As for the weekend spending. Keep a detailed list for a few visits. Show this to your partner. Explain to him that you will be averaging this amount and that is the amount you will take from your joint (if that is how you handle money)account to spend on something your daughter wants to do. Do you and your daughter go along on these weekend spending sprees? And, if so, who pays for you and your daughter? If this is a joint outing then your daughter should have the opportunity to choose what the family does everyother time the son visits. With the age difference I don't imagine their interests are that similar. They may neither enjoy what the other wants to do, but if they are made to share, they will learn a very important life lesson. If you split money/finances tell him he will need to fork over X amount of money to pay for bills X, Y, and Z so that you may offer your daughter the same fun, exciting, weekend activities that your son receives when he visits.

Questions to consider though...Does your 18 year old visit her father and what are those visits like, Disneyland or videos on the couch? Does your 16 and 12 year olds visit you and what are those visits like, Disneyland or videos on the couch?

Dear M.,

I have walked more than a mile in your moccasins!! It is absolutely not fair!! You can wage a war and start spending money on your daughter and see if that awakens his closed mind as to what he is doing to his family.

This happened to me. My husband spent plenty of money to decorate the nursery for his son, but there was no money for my daughter to do gymnastics or karate or piano lessons. As the boys got older, he bought very expensive items for birthdays (motorized 2 seat truck, Thomas the Tank Engine ride and tons of other stuff). But there was barely money for my daughters band expenses, or cheap photos for graduation. One year we agreed that he would pay for Christmas. I started wrapping the gifts, and I asked him who are the gifts from...he said me since I paid for them. I said what about my name?? He said what about your name?? I said my name should also be there, he disagreed. So....I went out and opened as many charge cards as I could at the mall. I charged them all to the max buying whatever my heart desired for my daughters. Later when we decided to buy a house, he had to pay off my credit card debt (he was military). He was livid over this, but I felt justified.

So...I'm no longer married to the jerk, and I am fair with my money between all of my children. I gave birth to each and everyone of them...so my love and fairness is equal. My adopted children are treated the very same way...there are no discrepancies.

Hope this helps.....

P.

I'm divorced too, and ya know the kids are the one who suffer from extended families so I would do and spend whatever amount to make sure the kids are cared for. If you buy clothes then keep them at your house. I have to say I really don't want my xhusband wife to be involved in the finances of our child. With that said I understand your frustration but a lot of time is lost without our kids and parents try to make it up with spending, I'm not sure it's good or not but maybe you should try to understand how your husband is feeling without his kid. Try to get creative and do fun things that cost less. You reap what you sow.

One thought is to get seperate checking accounts then when your daughter has needs you take care of them as she is your daughter. Then write him one check to go towards general expenses and leave it at that. I would not try to come in-between him and his son he will only resent you for it and there is no point in that. He feels bad he doesn't get more time with his son and he wants him to know he loves him, the thing is he will know just by the time spent doing things with him like tossing a ball, money is the least of ways to show love.

Hi, I have been in a similar situation. I can almost guarantee the his son does have nice clothes, the mom does buy him nice things but she never sends him to his dad in them. I used to do the same thing. I still do. I pay alot of money on their nice clothes and am very picky about how I wash them as well. Therefore I don't trust anyone to take care of them as well as I do. So I would rather dress him in old clothes and send him on his way. What if I don't get something back or they put the nice shirt in the dryer and it fades, or they don't watch how he eats and a stain gets on his clothes or he roughhouses outside and tears his pants. I used to think the same thing about my stepkids mom til I was in her same situation and was pulling the same thing. Keeping the clothes you guys buy him and keeping it is a great idea. Send him back in his rags as well. That way the mom doesn't run out of houseclothes either.

As far as spending the money on him. My husband used to do the same thing but it got old and he just stopped on his own and his kids were like oh well. They didn't mind like we thought it would.

You and your daughter are right--it ISN'T fair. Your partner's ex is taking advantage of him and his son is learning to do the same thing (with refusing to wear inexpensive clothes). It's not his fault--it's the example being set for him by his parents.

The ideal situation would be if your partner saw this situation for what it really is, but it looks like he's too blinded by the (perceived) need to bribe his son for affection to be realistic. I would recommend trying to sit down and talk to him a few days after his son leaves--not right after when there might be some raw feelings, but soon enough before the next visit that you might get some ground work laid. But if your parnter still refuses to be realistic and fair, it might be time for a seperation--of your finances. Do not allow him access to your money. Don't blindside him with this, but tell him you're concerned about how finances are being handled and that your daughter is getting the raw end of the deal, so you want to make sure there is a fair amount of money for ALL the children. Divvy up bills based upon who brings home how much.

The potential problem to this solution--besides that fact that he might decide it means you don't trust him...which you clearly can't, based on what you've written--is that he might end up spending what should have been bill money on his son, leaving you to pick up the slack. Unfortunately, if that happens, you'll know he doesn't see you as a true "partner." But hopefully it will help him see that he needs to work with you, treat your children fairly, and stand up to his ex.

My aunt went through a similar situation--when her (now ex) husband's son from a previous marriage came to visit, he was always wearing ratty, too-small clothing, and so my aunt was always taking him shopping to buy stuff he could be seen in public in. In that case, though, there turned out to be more behind it, and my aunt is now on friendly terms with the ex--and although she kicked that jerk out of her life, his son is still part of our family! We were able to get to that point by my aunt finally communicating with the ex to find out the story behind what she was seeing, and always treating the son like her own child--not better than the daughter they had together, but the same. Good luck!

Dear Marci, you did not state how long you and your partner have been together. Your partner's ex-wife is manipulating the situation between you two because of the son. Your partner has some guilt about not being in his son's life fulltime, so he compenstates by buying expensive gifts so dad can step in and look like super hero dad. The ex-wife probably is more than likely not good at managing her finances and know that he will pick up the tab. Well my dear, this behavior will continue to go on because your partner will not admit that he is being played by both parties! You will have to decide if you and your children are in a healthy enough relationship to stay with your partner for the long haul. Try to get your partner to discuss his long term goals about the future for you and your daughters, his ex-wife behavior, and his plans for his son. Until you know what page he is on, your whole future is uncertain!!! S.

Hi M.,

My suggestion would be the next time you and hubby discuss what to do when his son comes for a visit, suggest inexpensive options. Bike rides, hiking trails, going to the park and having a picninc are pretty inexpensive. Then discuss what has been budgeted for that week. I would include any expenses you may have that week, like work lunches, and then say okay let's also add an extra $X for the weekend while your son is over. Then go to the bank take this amount ONLY in cash and leave the debit cards, credit cards, and checks at home. When you go out for these activities, only take with you the cash you planned on spending. After all, bike rides and hiking and other inexpensive fun days don't need the extra cash. I am a Dave Ramsey fanatic. I love his suggestions about budgeting and spending cash only. Perhaps your hubby would enjoy reading one of his books about personal finances. You can view DAVERAMSEY.COM for many more suggestions. Another suggestion, rather than telling hubby that this is a book he needs to read, let him know that there is this great book you are reading and intrigue him with many of Dave's tips. Let him get so interested that he wants to read the book himself.

Good Luck!!!

I sort of have the same prob. How long have you two been together? My advice would be to leave him, but I know that is easier said than done, because I should, but havent yet. What makes it the hardest is that he says no to your daughter. Im guessing that ya'll share a bank account. You seem like you have your own stable job, get your own account or one for your daughter. If your other half wants to act like a child and pretend that he doesnt doesnt know what bills are, then maybe you should treat him like one. You make the decision to close the account that the 2 of you have together and open one in just your name. Get one of those prepaid visa cards and whatever amount you put in the card will be his limit for the weekend. Sounds childish, but dont you feel like you dont have a choice? Maybe you can do that without having to close the account...just take away his creditcards and checkbooks.

As far as the spending money i dont have any advice for that except that it isnt fair. As far as the buying him clothes bc his dont fit ill let you in on this or at least my brother in laws situation. He pays 600 a month in child support right now (until she decides to up it cause he got a better paying job), anyway, she sends him in raggy clothes, he would buy some and send it with him and the next time he got him raggy clothes again, finally i told him enough, you give her 600 a month that is how she is supposed to buy his clothes and shoes ect., so now this is what he does, the clothes he comes in he takes off him, washes them and puts them up, then he has clothes and shoes for him there, puts them on him through the weekend when he has to leave to take him back to his mom, he takes them off and puts the clothes he came in on him. She was only doing it to get the new clothes and shoes from him instead of having to spend the cs money on him, and she could keep it for himself. So my advice is the clothes or anything else for that matter that you buy him keep them at your house do not send them home with him.

Maybe documenting how much he spends on his son and telling him that you have to have a budget and stick to it. Its only fair that you spend some money on your children too and it should be equal. If he can't agree to that, then you have more problems than this. I hope this helps. Good luck.

My 19-y.o. stepdaughter has been in my life since she was 8, living with her mom most of the time. We went through the same scenario -- on visitation weekends, she would come dressed in threadbare clothes, or outfits that were more appropriate for a preschooler than a girl about to enter puberty. We bought lots of clothes for her in those years, so I can relate.

Not knowing the personalities and issues involved, I can only guess at what might be at play here. One is that your husband's ex might be trying to stretch that child support dollar, knowing that if she sends the kid over to dad's wearing worn out clothes that don't fit, you'll take him shopping. The other is that the kid has picked up on this -- he is 11, after all and no dummy, and knows that if he wears the nastiest stuff he's got when he goes to dad's, dad will buy him the cool stuff that mom won't buy.

Either way, you've gotten sucked into it, but it's not too hard to get out. He's old enough to have a mature discussion about the dynamics of your blended family. He's old enough to understand fairness and sensitivity to others' feelings. No accusations, no nasty comments about the ex, just an honest discussion about how things should work. Even though the child support check should cover his needs, there will be times when it's appropriate for you to jump in and do something a little extra. You need to find that good place between being the non-custodial dad who's nothing more than a child support check and the disneyland dad, who goes all out to entertain on visitation weekends.

Making blended families work is hard, even under the best of circumstances. My two boys, ages 8 and 4 love their older sister dearly, and we explained to her early on that just because she doesn't live with us full-time, she is not a guest in our house, she is part of our family.

Good luck...hope this helps.