Dealing with Complaining

I'm SO, SO sorry that you have to deal with this. What an awful situation. Even though my husband is the opposite (sometimes too optimistic, despite our financial struggles), I did have these ideas...

1. Let your husband know that EACH AND EVERY complaint must be followed by a practical solution if he expects you to listen. If he just wants to gripe, give him a journal and a pen and tell him to write. (The downside to this is he may just stop talking to you...only you can decide if that's a problem or not.) Or, for every complaint, he must list an accomplishment from his day. If he has no accomplishments, I think you'll have isolated a key problem. We need accomplishments to grow and maintain self-esteem. No accomplishments equals no (or low) self-esteem.

2. Remind your husband that others are worse off than you. Perhaps he could volunteer at a homeless shelter or local food bank. If you can feed your family, keep a roof over their head, and clothes on their back, you're doing great in this economy. I live in a community with 20% unemployment and I had so many students come to class distraught over being evicted, foreclosed upon and even having to give up precious family pets. That might give him something to think about.

3. If you're struggling financially, I'd sit down with your budget (first you, then maybe with your husband if you think it'll help) and really look at where you can cut. Many times, we say "oh, that's only $30 or $50; that can't make a difference" but, trust me, it adds up. My husband and I faced a huge financial crisis about 4 years ago (my son had a horrible ski accident...he was fine, the checkbook barely survived) and we were able to cut enough out of the budget (little things) to cover 3 years of medical bills totaling nearly $20,000. We cut cable tv, karate classes, phone extras, and utility bills. We were able to find ways to save $50+ a week on our grocery bill. We watched our gasoline usage. We also each got second jobs. By doing this, my husband and I felt empowered to handle our crisis and conquer it. Believe me, there's a LOT you can live without!

3. This idea is really the most "alternative." Have him (and you) check out the website www.makingherhappy.com. Sign up for the daily newsletter. It's primarily a "build a better relationship" site and the focus is helping men be better men. If your husband reads three months of these daily newsletters, he will get a lot of training on how not to be a complainer.

Good luck to you.

It sounds like you've gotten some good advice, so I just have a little to add. My husband went through something very similar and I agree with the idea of sitting down together and writing your budget out so you can really see in black & white how things are going and you can make a plan about how to spend/save. That really helped my husband (who sometimes suffers from depression and insomnia).

Also, when my husband was hating his job and would come home & complain about it all evening, we made a rule that if he wanted to complain about his job, we had to go out in the garage to discuss it. This was during the winter, so it was not particularly pleasant to be out there for long, and since he had to make the effort to get up and go into another place in order to complain, he drastically edited what he had to say instead of going on and on and on all night. This helped me keep my sanity, and it helped him to focus on other things rather than dwell on negativity all night.

In terms of communication- have you asked him if there's anything YOU can do to help him through this? Start by asking what he needs, and then steer the conversation to how it's affecting you (without being judgemental, of course) and tell him that you really want to work WITH him so that you can function better as a couple. If you have children, depression can really affect them, even if you're trying not to let it show around them. Tell him you want to work through this so it won't affect them-- no parent wants their children to experience depression, especially a parent who's been through it.

Good luck with everything-- I've been there, done that, and it will get better. (Also, anti-depressants really helped my husband. He isn't on them all the time--when he starts to feel depressed, he takes them for a week or two and that seems to be enough to get him through.)

Your letter was fairly shocking to me, as it was like reading what I've been through for the past 12 years. Unfortunately, I just got a divorce because I didn't want to "walk on eggshells" any more, and more importantly, didn't want my daughter to see me treated this way. While we were never struggling financially, my former husband had a shopping/eBay problem that kept my (I handled all the money for us personally & his business) savings goals at zero growth.

Last year, someone else wrote in about the "walking on eggshells" feeling, and many commented on how she was being emotionally abused. That was a real slap-on-the-face moment for me. I think I cried after reading many of the responses, becuase I recognized my own situation.

Since he won't go to a psychological counselor, would he consider a financial counselor, as it seems money prompts these episodes. I am not religious, but some find help/direction from a minister...would he respond to that type of person? Do you know anyone who has successfully taken anti-depressants who could talk with him about it?

My heart goes out to you. It is an awful rollercoaster life to live like this. I am just getting to the point of again feeling free of all the pain/sorrow my former husband brought to our marriage. At the minimum, you should seek some personal counseling on how to deal with him. I wish you luck...I know it's not easy.

My ex husband was also like that. Bad news is.. he is now my ex husband. He also refused counseling and medication and i refused to let him take me down with him. All i can tell you is don't let him bring you down also. keep encourging him to see a counslor though. good luck

This is a hard one because everyone's husband deals with things differently and each household handles finances differently. We are going through the same type of deal right now. My husband is in charge of the finances and he never says no to me. He would make comments like we are going broke, or "if we could afford it." Yet we were still taking vacations, going out to eat, etc. Then one day it all came to a head and I finally realized that my husband's financial worries were true and before we went broke we needed to make some major spending adjustments. My point is that your husband probably has some legitimate reasons why he feels this stress and even though the comments he makes may seem drastic, don't ride them off. Make a date where the two of you sit down together and go through your finances with a fine tooth comb. Show him on paper where you can save money and ultimately get to your financial goals. Finances are the biggest deal breaker in marriages and I have a feeling that if you were to relieve this stressor for him, you two will be able to move forward. Hear him out and expect the same in return. If he is openly admitting that he has depression, this is his way of asking for help. However, you can't be expected to help and pull the weight all by yourself. Find a good counselor on your own. Start going to ensure it's the right one for the both of you. Then after several sessions, ask him to come along. Having someone like a counselor to talk to yourself, couldn't hurt. Would it? Good luck and I wish you the best!

My husband can sometimes get in these downer ruts.. I have a really good friend her husband does too. We tease them.. When they start focusing on all of the bad things, we start chanting.. Doom, Doom, DOOM DOOM! and then we laugh..

I think some guys just get so down, they dig these holes and want to wallow in it.
I cannot stand a pity party from a child much less a grown A$$ man..

Have you ever seen the movie "Moonstruck" with Cher and Nicholus Cage? There is a scene in it where Nicholus Cages character is just going on and on and on about all of the bad stuff and Cher slaps him real hard and yells in an itailan accent,
SNAP OUT OF IT! Rent it and watch it with your husband.. My husband cracks up when I yell at him like Cher.. (Of course I do not slap him.)

I also like to ask my husband, so what are you going to do about it? How can WE solve this?

Or I say, ok enough with the list of the problems, what do you want to do about it?
If he will not go to therapy, you need to go on your own.. It is very helpful to know you are not the problem.
I am sending you strength

Yes, my ex was and probably still is like that. He kept saying we were on the verge of bankruptcy. I made an appointment with a bankruptcy attorney who reassured me that we weren't anywhere close to having financial difficulty let alone bankruptcy. That didn't convince my husband at the time, tho. He is a highly functioning schizophrenic and in general does not trust anyone.

We also went to counseling. He'd seem to understand that everything was OK but a couple of days later he'd be singing the same song about bankruptcy and there being no way to avoid it.

We could not work this out because both of us were insecure about finances. The therapist suggested that I manage the money because I had been successfully doing that on my own for 20 years but I didn't want to manage the money by myself. Doing so had always added to my stress level and I couldn't talk with him about what I had done, which I had to do, without getting angry because he didn't trust me.

It was a lose/lose situation for us. We realized that this once we figured out what was causing each of our own feelings and couldn't or didn't want to work on ourselves to change them. We had many more important issues which we couldn't work out and so got divorced. This was after 6 years of marriage counseling.

I also have a friend who is bi-polar and I'm not able to have reasonable conversations with her either. She says that because she's bi-polar she has no choice but be depressed and gets angry when I suggest anything related to having fun or taking care of her physical health. Sigh!

I have a difficult time accepting that complaining is the only way to manage anything. If someone wants to spend time with me only complaining, without at some point being willing to consider ways to improve the situation, then I find a way to not spend time with them. My friend and I are down to an evening a week and an afternoon and evening every other Sunday. I've tried to discuss how we could try to change this and her response always is, "I'm depressed and their is nothing I can do about it. You just have to accept that I'm always going to be depressed"

So I'm going to work on myself and my attitude in counseling. Thus far I've reached the point at which I'll keep my distance when her focus in on complaints. I'm not sure this is the only thing I can do but for right now it's working for me.

It's not as simple as that when you're married to the one doing the complaining. But perhaps you could decide together to not talk when the conversation isn't helping to reach a solution.

I agree that even if he won't go to counseling, you can gain a great deal of support along with helpful suggestions on how to deal with this by going to counseling yourself.

I also agree, that if your husband will respond to humor, that may help. In my birth family my mother would say, "doom and gloom; that's so sad" when I got onto one of my complaining kicks. It made me mad and didn't help at all. But, because it made me mad, I voluntarily went to my room, and found a way to cheer myself up because I didn't like feeling that way.

I suggest that you find a way to be honest with him in a tactful way so that you can leave the room when he's into this mood. One of my friends told her husband, who had been married twice before, that she wasn't responsible for the previous management, when he began his negative response because he was "so sure" about the way it's always been and always will be. It seemed to help. I was present when she'd say those words and they would laugh and change the subject. I think they had an agreement that they would talk about the subject when they both could come to the table and maintain a problem solving mood.

I definitely believe that once he starts the conversation of doom that you not continue with the conversation. As you know, you get nowhere. The longer you try to stick with it, the more frustrated you get and the more certain he is that he's right.

Perhaps both of you getting involved in a financial planning course would help. There is someone with a radio and TV program that is often mentioned on this site and praised by my cousin but I don't remember his name. It may be Dave Ramsey. I've heard of couples having success using his insights. I'd try that.

I also like Stephanie's suggestions for planning ahead of time how both of you are going to manage the conversation. This did not work with my husband and I because in addition to our different experiences as children which influenced us as adults, we were both upset about other issues and we carried those feelings into dealing with finances.

Couples do need to find a way to separate other issues from financial issues and have an open mind about the possibility of finding a successful way of managing the finances. I've read that often the money isn't the real issue and it falls into place once the real issue is resolved.

Could it be that your husband's general personality is one of pessimism? He's the only one who can change the way he looks at life. For a successful marriage you have to find a way that you can live with his pessimism. I've seen couples who have overcome their differences in outlook but only after years of working on it. Eventually, after each one only expects change in themselves or expects no change at all on the pessimists part, do they meet somewhere closer to each other in mood.

I can soooo relate! we have had an insane amount of things happen to us in the past 3 years. we moved 500 miles (to where my family is) and bought a business (by the way, 3 years ago was a really bad time to buy a business! LOL) have struggled in this economy to get it on its feet, both taken part time jobs, found out our little boy has ADHD, spent 2 years living with my parents, and now live IN our business. and i am in fear that my marriage is barrelling to its end! unfortunately, my husband does not recognize that he is depressed, will even tell you he is NOT depressed. but i am totally going to go covertly sign him up for the newsletters stephanie f recommended! i will say a prayer for you and me that we get through this very trying time in our lives.