Dealing with Competitiveness

Updated on July 07, 2011
V.T. asks from San Francisco, CA
9 answers

My son (6 1/2) is very competitive, but in what I feel is a negative way. For example, if we play a game, he can't stand it if he thinks he's losing. The other day, I tried playing Monopoly Junior with him, and even though he appeared to be winning (had the most 'money'), he thought he was losing and started messing around with the pieces and trying to roll and re-roll the dice for a number he thought would be most advantageous. I told him I didn't want to play with him if he couldn't follow the rules, so he actually chose to put the game away --even after I tried to explain that it looked like he was winning --rather than just play to the end!

Another example: He was playing a made-up game with some other kids where he was driving a remote control car and they were trying to put leaves on it. The other kids were saying they got a point if they got a leaf on the car, but my son was saying that HE got a point if the other kids got a leaf on the car. Even when I tried to point out that this wasn't fair and sort of made the "game" pointless, he just kept repeating that he got a point. (The other kids didn't seem to care much and were just having fun throwing leaves on the car, but it bothered me.)

I, of course, have tried to explain to him that the fun is in playing, not winning, winning isn't everything, etc., but none of that sinks in. My husband and I aren't competitive people at all, and we certainly don't encourage it in our son, so I don't know where this is coming from. It bothers me to see how much this obviously upsets my son and how he'd rather choose not to play than to risk not "winning".

Anybody ever dealt with this before? What did you do to get your child to understand that winning isn't THAT important and it's all about having fun? Please, constructive comments only. I am already well aware of the negative ramifications of this behavior.

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So What Happened?

Thanks so much to everyone for their answers. It helps to know that this is a relatively normal phase and also be given examples of how others have handled it. I appreciate your feedback!

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R.Y.

answers from New York on

If it helps, this is a normal phase in child development. By 8 or 9 he should be more in a phase to play fairly and by the rules and might even go overboard on wanting to enforce the rules.

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S.K.

answers from Denver on

My son is VERY competitive as well and he is 6 he always wants to know the score in baseball and they dont keep score yet. we were playing uno one night and he lost to his little sister and threw his cards everywhere. I calmly said that was really bad sportsmanship and had him sit on the step while i cleaned up quietly (he knew we were supposed to have a few more games left) he cried that we had more play time left and i said no we do not play like that. I played again with little sister while he sat on the stairs. the next night i made sure she won (by nailing him with draw 2s and 4s) and at the end when she won i said you can either throw your fit again or give her a hug and tell her good job so we all can play another game. he gave her a hug and now every time someone else wins we make sure to tell them good job. work on it inside the house and hope it will reflect outside the house with his friends.

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R.J.

answers from Salt Lake City on

if you are lucky he will grow out of it. Both of my boys were very competitive to the point of cheating to "win". I just kept asking them- Did you have fun? and when they would say " I won" I would just repeat- great but did you have fun? they are not as bad now they are still boys and they are still competitive just not obsessive about it

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P.B.

answers from Sacramento on

Hi V.,
Sorry for the late reply - been too busy to check Mamasource lately. My (now 17 year old daughter) was also very competitive to the point that any game she played she had to win or she was incredibly upset and almost inconsolible. To top it off my sister, also had the same frame of mind - only doubled! When I asked my sister to let her win once in awhile - She said "No, that's not how it works in life". My sister went to be with God when my Katie was just 5, but she left an impression on Katie. She is now 17, a 4.0 student, and got a varsity letter in softball at her High School in her freshman year. Competition made my baby stronger and wiser. But it must be directed to the right avenue - such as sports, like my daughter. I told her when she was very young "You can't win everything and you need to realize that". She gained so much confidence when she started playing softball it was amazing and she played on All Star Teams as well. Now she has colleges sending her information and asking her to come. Foster your childs strengths and look for what he likes to do. Hope this helps.
Patti

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P.O.

answers from Harrisburg on

It sounds to me like he is actually exercising leadership skills where he wants to be "in charge" of the game, the fun, whatever more so than competitive. I would let him "set the rules" of the game and see what happens. Then encourage him how to be a good sport if it doesn't go as he expected.

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M.P.

answers from Portland on

Both of my grandchildren and my daughter were this way at that age. It's normal development. I handled it by not playing competitive games with them. When my granddaughter wanted to play and was past that phase I played with her. We'd start out with him in the game but he's leave before we were thru. He was unhappy but more in the way of being bored when he was 8.

Kids have a choice. Play a game by the rules, modified some depending on the game, or not play. No biggie.

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M.K.

answers from Chico on

I think your kid sounds typical for his age- at least a lot how my similarly aged kid is!! My son is 7 and will sometimes just quit playing with his friends if they aren't doing things his way or if he tries to change the rules mid-game and they disagree. He just doesn't like it when it doesn't go his way. Unless the words are getting mean, or there is threatened or actual hitting, I try not to step in. They tend to work it out, and over the past few months he has seemed to go along more with the others. He still tends to aviod games that have a winner unless he knows he can win...

I offer my post more as support than help, I guess. Sounds like you're doing the same things we are. I hope our kids grow out of it soon! :)

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M.S.

answers from Salinas on

a

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M.T.

answers from New York on

Some kids are like this. My son had a tendency to try to change the rules mid game to work to his advantage or want to quit in the middle of a game if he was clearly not winning. Some kids are just more competitive than others or really like to win. Your son is still young. I think you made a mistake by trying to explain that he was winning - that gives the message that winning IS important. I would insist that he abide by the rules of the game and insist on some type of penalty if he doesn't (stopping play is not a penalty if he'd prefer to not play rather than possibly lose). Perhaps you can find some games that are not winner focused. Perhaps if the other kids don't want to play with him because of it, that'll sink in but often at his age, it doesn't and you need to ride it out. Good luck.

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